Weird Temps

My temps have been really low this cycle. When I look back at all my 9DPO temps, they've only been 98.2 degrees 2 other times. The first time it was this low was my very first cycle taking Clomid. The second time it was this low it was the second cycle of my second round of Clomid. Neither of those cycles ended in a BFP so I'm REALLY bummed right now. I was thinking of calling my doctor and asking for lab orders to get my progesterone checked, but since I'm 9DPO I'm thinking it may be too late to have it checked. *sigh* This ttc is REALLY taking a toll on my emotions. I HATE THIS!!!
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One of the contributers to the "Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory" posted the following questions to the bloggers who have their blogs listed in the directory. I found the questions very intriguing...

1. What do you want people to know about the child (or children) you have lost?
They were wanted more than anything else in this world. And just because time has passed I still want them more than life itself and miss them with every ounce of my being. I loved every minute I carried our precious babies.

2. What names did you give (or plan to give) your children and why?
We didn't name either of our angels as they were lost so early, but we do have names picked out for the children we hope to have. The two girl names we have picked out are: Melody Grace and Olivia Kate. We've only been able to come up with one boy name that we both agree on, and it's Jalen Scott.

3. What rituals or ways of memorializing your children seem to best help you cope with their loss?
I have a charm bracelet, and I bought two charms for it. One is a heart that says, "The Heart Remembers" and the other is a baby angel. I think about our babies all the time, and when I look at the charms it's just a gentle reminder that they are waiting for me in Heaven. I can't wait to hold them.

4. What are the kindest and/or most helpful things people have said to you? What are the worst?
The kindest and probably most helpful thing people have said to me is, "We're praying for you and J. We don't understnad your pain, but God does, and He's able to comfort you like no one here on Earth can." And the other thing that I found most helpful was, "We're here when you need us. Call anytime." They weren't even pretending to understand our pain, but I knew that I could come to them if I needed to talk or I needed a shoulder to cry on.

The worst thing someone has said to me is, "You'll get pregnant again in no time." I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to pregnant again soon, I wanted to be pregnant right then! The fact that they said that meant that they didn't see my loss as important and worthy of grieving. Now, don't get me wrong, I know most people don't mean to say stupid stuff like that, but even if it's not meant that way, it still stings.

5. Who is your hero? Who helps you make it through the dark days better than anyone else on the planet?
I'm really not a person who has heros. I guess I do look up to some people, and the person that I look up to most my husband is J. He was an absolute gem during those dark days when I lost our babies. I saw him cry (which I had seen before, but this time it was different). He held me. He took great care of me after my D&C. He made sure that I didn't do anything I wasn't ready to do whether that was sending an email or calling someone to tell them I wasn't ready to have people over, or taking care of the house and chores and cooking. He was just wonderful. And you know, he did all that while he was grieving, too.

6. Is there anything you need to say or want to say but haven't been able to? Can you say it now?
I think I've been pretty open here on my blog, but there are still things that I haven't said to real life friends and family. I think if there's anything that I have left to say it's, "I am not weird or needy because of all this. I don't want people's pity. I just want their prayers. And I need to be reminded constantly that I am no less of a woman because I can't or haven't had children." That's the part that hurts the most because I do feel like a broken woman because of my infertility. I need that reassurance.

7. How are you doing? How are you really doing?
Most days I'm okay, but when I see a newborn, or I hear of someone who is newly pregnant I wish I had their life. And I have to grieve our losses and my pain all over again. When I see women who drag their children around and yell at them I wish I could walk up and just give their child a hug and tell them that I would want them if they were my child. I want a baby so badly, but more than anything I want J to be a father. It breaks my heart that the one thing I should be able to give him I can't.