Procreation Vacation

Let's hope I come home with a little bub stamped "Made in Canada"!!

We'll be gone until Friday!!

HSG Verdict

Okay first...OUCH!!!! I've never been in that much pain before...thank God the valium took a little bit of the edge off. Dr. K had to numb my cervix with lidacain so he could dilate it because it was being difficult (typical). That part just about brought me off the table...sticking that long epidural needle up my hoo-hah and into my cervix...I just about let out a few explitives! Fortunately it was fairly quick and everything went smoothly. Everything is open and clear. No blockages in the tubes or scarring in the uterus that he could see...woo hoo! Thanks so much for prayers and good thoughts!

Now...let's see if I can get a good O this weekend or early next week and take advantage of this supposed increased fertility! Dr. K called our trip to Canada a procreation vacation...let's hope he's right.

Appointment Update

Yet another appointment filled with lots of laughs. I love that my doctor is so personable. When he walked into his office he said, "Well, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with y'all, but I'm sure y'all are wondering what to do with me." I told him I wasn't really upset that the second IUI didn't work. I was more mad at J's swimmers for not finding the target this cycle, so I told him before my next cycle starts I wanted him to install neon signs in my uterus pointing them in the right direction. Dr. K died laughing and said, "Well, I've never had that request before." Then he said, "Yeah, your egg's just sitting there waiting on the suckers." Then he looked at J and said, "It only takes one", and gave him a wink. He said there really was no reason he could think of as to why the IUI’s haven’t worked. He said that J’s analysis was just fine. I told him what the lab tech said about his concentration being so much lower this time, and he said, “But it’s still within normal limits. Guy's concentrations vary all the time. She shouldn't have said that to you. That's just the difference in hearing it from a doctor rather than a lab tech. Nothing against lab techs though."

I asked whether he thought something had happened since my D&C that could have blocked my tubes. He said he didn't think so because it's typically viruses, appendicitis, and STD's that block tubes, none of which I've had. He doesn't think the HSG will find anything, but he said he would do it if I wanted it done. He told me I had his blessing to go see an RE if that's what I wanted to do. I told him I need to feel like I've had him do everything he can possibly do before I go to an RE. I didn't care how much poking, prodding and testing I had to endure because insurance covers all tests diagnosing an IF problem 100%. He was fine with that. I made a deal with him that once he had done all the procedures he could do and I still wasn't pregnant by December then I'd go to an RE in Jan. He thought that was a good plan.

So, I have an HSG planned for tomorrow at 1:00. He doesn't normally like to wait this late to do it, but since I haven't O'd yet he felt like we could get it in before I do.

Honestly, I think going to an RE is really not going to do anything for us. We're not going to do injectables or IVF because it's not covered by insurance, and I just can't throw that much money down on something that's not guaranteed to work. I'm sure there are a few things that an RE might do before suggesting injectables, and we'll do a few Clomid or Femara with trigger cycles, but that's about as far as we're willing to take this. I have a feeling our journey to parenthood the conventional way is just about over. I need to start preparing myself for that fact.

Fairy Tales

As children we're read all these stories of how the princess meets her prince charming and they live happily ever after. And because of those stories every child has dreams about what they want to accomplish when they "grow up". And I'm no different. I wanted to go to college (check), graduate with an education degree (check), become a teacher (check), travel the world (check), marry a wonderful man (check), and then I wanted to settle down and have children. (Notice there's no "check" after that last dream.)

We started ttc in December of 2005, and back then I knew it might be hard to conceive, but I still dreamt of the day when I would hold our baby in my arms. It's now 21 months later, and that dream still hasn't come true. And honestly, up until this month I still dreamt of that day. But something has happened over the past month. That dream of holding our baby has disappeared, and it's been replaced with this deep emptiness. And you know, that feeling is like none other that I've ever felt before. I just have this feeling that my fairy tale ended when I married prince charming.

Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong, but at the moment there's nothing that I want more than to hold our baby. And when I look around I see all these people who have accomplished the dream of becoming a parent, I feel like I'm the lone woman on the IF island. Now, I know there are lots of people out there in the same situation as me (and I'm so thankful to have met some of them), but right now, at this very moment, I feel all alone in this. And I don't like that feeling.

FertilityBlend

It's crunch time, and the question is...will FertilityBlend (FB) work? You're probably thinking, "But you said you were on a break." And to you I say, "I'm on a Clomid break! I'm getting too old to break completely!" LOL

I have a feeling I'll O sometime this weekend or early next week, but will I have the strong O pains??? I'm doubtful that FB will do much, but I am taking three of those blasted things a day so they better do something! So far all they've done is give me insomnia. Anyone else have that problem with FB?

So my appt. with Dr. K is Thursday, and I'm already preparing my "speech". I'm a little nervous at what he's going to say, so I'm trying my best to prepare myself for the "it's time for you to see an RE" answer. I'm fine with going to an RE. What I'm nervous about is the fact that we only have one RE on our insurance plan, so if I don't like her I'm up a creek without a paddle. My insurance won't cover any treatments, but what it will cover are the u/s, tests, procedures and appointments with this doctor, so that will help a lot. I don't know if we can swing going to someone not on our plan and having to cover every u/s, test, procedure, poke and prod on our own on top of any treatments that need to be done. "Lord...PLEASE make this woman compassionate, empathetic, understanding, patient, easy to talk to, etc, etc, etc...if she's not already!!!!"

Countdown to Canada has begun...we leave Sunday! I can't wait!!!

HE'S HOME!!!!!

So this was me on Friday morning...

And this was me Friday night when J walked in the door...

Just Need to Vent!!

I was at the gym with MW this morning. I do fine when I'm around her, though I'm extremely jealous I can still be around her because she doesn't throw her pregnancy in my face. She knows everything we've been through, and even though she's a fertile myrtle (it took her 1 month to conceive this one, and 2 months to conceive DS) she's still very sensitive to my feelings. But a friend of hers, we'll call her "Me Girl", came in and joined us on the elliptical, and all she could talk about was her pregnancy and how things were going to change and what stroller and car seat to get, BLAH BLAH BLAH. "Me Girl" is due in December so it's not like I needed to hear all these things to know she was pregnant because I could see her freakin' belly. But the things is, she KNOWS what we've gone through because I told her the first day I met her at water aerobics when she asked if we had children. We talked about how she'd had a m/c too in between this one and her DS. So "Me Girl" knows about our issues. Granted I don't see her very often (thank God), and she doesn't know the last 2 IUI's didn't work, but she knows how freakin' long we've been ttc. That just ticks me off when people KNOW your situation but they are so completely self absorbed (hence the "Me Girl" name) that they talk about themselves the whole time. I just had to leave. I didn't want to start crying in public so I left. When I got to the car I lost it. This is just SOOOOO unfair.

Being the GREAT friend that MW is, she immediately went home after her workout to email me to see if I was okay, despite the fact that she needed to go run errands..."Just wanted to check in on ya. I am sorry that she wouldnt stop talking about babies. I tried to change the subject to food, but it didnt work. Call me if you need to chat, I am off to run errands."

I'm so thankful for MW because she truly does understand where I'm at, and I truly am excited for her, but as I said in my reply...

"I just needed to get out. I know y'all are both excited about your pregnancies, and you have every right to talk about them. I am just not at the point where I can be around all that yet. I hope I didn't seem rude. I didn't mean to be, but I was about to start crying and I didn't want to make a scene. I've had my crying session so I'm okay now. It’s just that there are so many pregnant people around, and it's hard. I'm tired of feeling like this, but at this point I don't know what to do to make it stop. I guess it's just going to take time."

Thanks for listening ladies! I just needed to get that out. Anyone have a similar story...misery loves company, right?

I MISS MY MAN!!!!!

You know...I was single for a long time, and I lived in an apartment alone for several years before J and I married. I don't understand why it bother me so much when he's gone. I mean, yeah there's the obvious...I love him so much that I hate to be away from him, but while I didn't mind living alone when I was single, I HATE living alone now.

J told me tonight that he misses me a lot. He said that when he's in meetings like the ones he's in this week it makes him miss me that much more because they're long and stressful. I asked him why, and he said he likes coming home to me after a long stressful day. Awwwww.

Now, anyone who knew J before we got married knows that he is the kind of guy that likes to be by himself. He is an independent introvert so being alone is just fine with him. And when he's stressed he doesn't like to be around anyone. He wanted to be by himself so he can decompress. So to me, it sounds weird that he misses me so much. I don't know why, but it does.

But see, I'm the exact opposite...I'm the one who always wants to be around people. I don't like to be by myself unless I'm upset. Being around friends and family after a stressful day helps me relax and unwind. So it's only natural that I would miss J like crazy when he's gone. But when he tells me how much he misses me it makes me miss him that much more. I just miss my man, and I want him home...it's gonna be a long week folks!

My 100th Post!!!

And AF is in full force! So much for just spotting this go around. I guess that's a good thing, but man, she hit me HARD last night! UGH!!!!! I've been downing the Advil like it's candy! This isn't exactly how I envisioned my 100th post! This just sucks!!!

But in better news...I'm going to New Orleans to meet up with a couple of cyber friends! I'm so excited!!!

And in weirder news...J called last night and while we're talking he feels something crawling on his leg. He throws the covers off the bed to find a little black bug. When he told me I freaked...my first thought was bed bugs! Ewwwwwww!! Then I worried about an infestation traveling back here in the luggage and taking over my home. Double ewwwwww!!! So it's almost midnight and I tell him to inspect that WHOLE room. He calls back a little later and asks me to pull up bed bugs on the internet. Sidebar...if you've never done that....DON'T!!!! I got the hebbie jeebies just looking at the pics! Okay, back to the story...After telling him what they look like, how big they are, where to look for them, signs of their visit (if you know what I mean)...he determined that it was NOT bed bugs. He thinks it was just one lone bug that came in with him. I told him I wanted him to check out of that hotel tomorrow and find a nicer one. He's on a business trip for goodness sakes. Ex.xon can afford better than a La.Quin.ta!

And in some REALLY cute news...my almost 3 yr. old niece karaoked last night for the first time. I SOOOO wish I could have been there to see it. My brother took a short video of it with his cell...toooooo cute!!! She sang the ABC's and Twinkle Twinkle (as she likes to call it!) I wish I could find a way to upload it because it's too precious!!!!! But the player that my brother used won't let me save it to my computer without purchasing the software. BAH!!

Okay, gotta run...I'm off to N.O.!!!! And no, I won't be raising my shirt for beads!! Ha Ha!!!
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Update...
Here we are in N.O....Sara, Dawn, and that's me in the middle. (Just realized we look like very patriotic people with the red, white and blue. lol) We're in a BG on FF together...born in 1974 and TTC #1. It was great to finally meet them in person. We had a great time chatting and getting to know each other better. I'm so glad we got to meet up! Love ya girlies!!!

CD1

Well, AF showed...I guess. It's still nothing more than spotting, but I talked with my OB's nurse this morning, and she said to go ahead and call today CD1. In talking with her I've decided to take a break this cycle because for the second cycle in a row all I've done is spot...not even light flow. That concerns me. My doctor is on vacation until the 25th, so we've scheduled a consult appt for the 27th to talk about our options and to discuss all the questions I have. I'm not doing another IUI until I've had an HSG to check my tubes and to see if there's any scarring left from my D&C back in Jan. If there's a chance that in the last 9 months that my tubes have become blocked or that there is scarring from the D&C then the IUI's are futile and a huge waste of money. He may go ahead and refer me an RE, and I probably will make the appt so they can run all the tests in the book on me. My insurance will cover all the tests and procedures...just no treatments. (Don't even get me started on how unfair that is!!!) I want so badly to try this month, but at this point I want answers and not treatments. KWIM?

Spotting Spotting Everywhere

Well...I'm out. I started spotting yesterday, and my temp took a huge nose dive, so that means that AF is on her way. Oddly enough, I'm okay. I mean I did have a melt down yesterday, but today I'm okay. I'm planning to go into my doctor's appt next week and ask for every test and procedure in the book that could help us figure out why I'm not getting pragnant because I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here. I feel like we're throwing away money on IUI's, and we don't have money that we can just flush down the toilet. J won't be able to go to my appt with me, and I don't think I can say everything I want to say without falling apart and becoming a bumbling idiot. I'm really worried that I'm going to freeze up when I start crying and I won't say everything to Dr. K that I want to say. My friend, K, said that she would go with me to the appt and be my "translator" if I get to where I'm so upset that I can't talk. I wish I didn't have to have a backup, but when I was talking to her on the phone I just lost it so I know that it will be even worse when I'm sitting face to face with Dr. K. Please pray that I can have the courage to ask for everything that can be done to be done. When I finally throw in the towel I want to be able to say that I gave it my all. And at this point I can't say that.

It's Just Me and My Thoughts...

J left today on a week and a half long business trip. I really hate it when he travels. I hate being alone, but that's just come about in the last couple of years since we moved to BR. When we lived in the Houston area I had my family and my job to keep me busy. But now that we're here, and I have no job other than a couple volunteer jobs that I do so I really miss J when he's gone. I'm alone pretty much all day other than the hour or so that I'm at the gym with MW, so I really look forward to when J comes home from work every night. I have adult interaction!! But when he travels I'm alone all day and all night, and you know...it gets pretty lonely just being here with Maddie and Sassy. I'm alone with my thoughts...that's scary, folks! lol

So last night J and I went to block.buster to get some movies. He was looking for movies to take with him, and I was looking for movies to keep things interesting at night. It's funny though...we were both looking for movies we knew the other wouldn't want to see. I was looking for chick flicks, and J was looking for action thrillers. As soon as we got in the store we both split off, and when we met up I had 5 movies, and J had 4.

He looked at me and said, "We can't get 9 movies. That's just too much money."

So I said, "You're going to be gone for a week and a half. I need lots of movies to fill the silence."

And the girl at the counter said, "Aww..."

So I played on J's sympathies and said, "Don't you feel sorry for me?"

He just rolled his eyes and said, "I'll put one back if you put one back." And then he looks at my stack and said, "Hey, I want to see that one" (pointing to The Holi.day.)

So I put that one back to rent at another time, and I put back Dream.Girls. But when we got to the counter he still had his 4, and I only had 3! What was up with that?!? I just laughed and gave the movies to the girl at the counter.

Anyway...here's my chick flick stash:
Wild Hogs
Miss Potter
Catch and Release

I still want to see Georgia Rule, but they didn't have any. Guess I'll be going back later to see if they have it!

In ttc news...still getting BFN's. My chart isn't looking as pretty now. (Click on the cycle ticker up at the top, and it will take you to my chart so you can see the updated version.) I'm so mad that we've thrown away another $400 on a wasted treatment. But I'm more mad at J's stubborn swimmers. Out of the 33.3 million that were inserted up my hoo-hah, not one of them could do it's job??? That just ticks me off!!! But hey, at least I'm not angry with God about it!!! That's a huge improvement!!! :o)

AF still hasn't shown so I don't know that I'm out just yet, but I'm not holding out much hope. But rather than sulking and crying about it I'm looking forward to next cycle...Clomid and the natural BD'ing way!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Whatever Will Be, Will Be

I don't know if I'm pregnant or not. The test this morning was a BFN, but it's still early. I'm trying to prepare myself for whatever lies ahead, but there's one thing I know...I DON'T want to get angry with God if I get a BFN. I DON'T want to spend days wallowing in my own self pity. I want to be joyful!! I know it's going to hurt if I'm not pregnant, but I can't let it consume me. Please pray for me in the coming days that I'll be at peace with whatever comes my way. Oh, I hope that I am pregnant, but if I'm not, well, praise God anyway!!!

10DPO...

...and trying not to read into anything too much. Here's my chart so far...and if I must say so, it's pretty awsome looking. But we all know that a beautiful chart does not a BFP make! Just trying to stay realistic here, but I'm having a really hard time!

Madeleine McCann

Is anyone else just fuming about this story? I've always thought the parent's story was a bit odd, but now that they are being named as primary suspects I'm just beside myself.

So for those of you who don't know the story, here's a brief synopsis...

Kate and Gerry McCann, both doctors, have 3 children...4 year old Madeleine, and 2 year old twins, who's names I don't know. They took a vacation to Portugal back in April. They decided to have a little alone time so they put the three children to bed in their hotel room and went to dinner alone!! (Umm, hello...stupid!!!!!!) They say that they alternated checking on the children every 30 minutes to make sure they were okay. One of the times when the mother went to check on them she found that Madeleine was missing, but the twins were sound asleep. (Red flag here!!!)

So fast forward 25 days when the McCann's rented a car, and the police later found Madeleine's DNA in it. (Another red flag!!) The police have said that they believe that Madeleine is indeed dead.

Since then, the McCanns have toured Europe with photos of Madeleine and the child's stuffed animals and clothing, even meeting with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican. Celebrities including J.K. Rowling and David Beckham made public appeals that helped the family raise more than $2 million.

Both Kate and Gerry have been questioned before, but there are more indepth questions that the Portugal police want answered, and in order to ask those questions the have to be officially named as suspects. The girl's aunt said police suggested Madeleine McCann might have been killed accidentally and offered the mother a plea deal if she confessed.

My question is, aside from the obvious why did they leave the children unsupervised...why would an abducter only take Madeleine and leave the other two children sleeping in the hotel room? That just doesn't make sense.

I think the mom was upset about something and did the unthinkable to poor Madeleine, and now the father is trying to cover up the story and protect his wife. I don't know about you, but if my spouse had something to do with the disappearance or death of my child, even if it was accidental, I certainly wouldn't be helping him cover it up!! I just don't get people's rationale.

I hope and pray that the police are able to get to the bottom of this case and find poor Madeleine's body.

The last thing I'm going to say about this is...(and it's going to sound bitter, but I just can't help it)...I would NEVER leave my children unattended or without adult supervision...EVER. These highly educated idiots did, and I'm the one suffering with IF??? It just doesn't make sense!!!

In other news...BL got some GREAT news at her first u/s today!!! Be sure to go by and congratulate her!!!

Paris Hilton wants to be more responsible...

...so she says that being a mother is going to get her there???

HUH??? Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying she NEVER needs to be a mother, but come on...the best way for her to be responsible is to have a child??? Ummm, no, the best way to be responsible is to DO responsible things. Don't complain about getting caught drinking and driving, and don't whine about the consequences that follow. Don't drink and drive idiot!!! Don't complain about the fact that you can't go anywhere without paparrazzi. You started it by living the party lifestyle and showing up at every premiere and party. She wasn't big until she started flaunting herself in public. DO responsible things, and people will view you as a responsible adult. Get a good job and support yourself rather than living off of daddy's fortunes and trying to get yourself out of trouble without accepting the consequences, help the less fortunate, do something with your life other than party! That's what responsible people do. They don't go around having kids to make them more responsible.

Anyone who says that they need a child to make them more responsible highly underestimates the job a mother does. But of course she won't be mothering that child. That child will have servants and nannies to raise it while mom continues to flaunt herself in public.

I'm not saying just PH deserves not to have children right now...I'd say that about ANYONE (Britney, Nicole, Jessica, etc) who lives life like she lives it...with no regard for anyone else but herself. You CANNOT be a selfish person and be a good mother! And anyone who knowingly chooses to drive a car under the influence of drugs or alcohol is the most selfish kind of human being there is. Can you be selfish, and be a mom? Sure, but not one that your children deserve. And in my opinion if you can't put yourself second and nurture your children then you don't deserve to have them. Now I'm not saying that moms have to ALWAYS put themselves last, but if you are going to hire someone to do the raising for you while you party and flaunt yourself in public then you don't deserve the right to be a mom. Plain and simple.

*getting off my soapbox now*

So what do you think???

Updates...

IUI Update...

So the IUI went well, but now I'm beginning to think we did it too late. I got a - OPK at 9pm on CD15, a + at 6:45am on CD16, so we scheduled the IUI for CD17. I was having some wicked O pains around 10am on CD16 so I'm thinking I O'd around noon on CD16 because the pains stopped around early afternoon. We didn't get the IUI done until 2:30pm on CD17 so I'm thinking we were too late. I'm really bummed about it especially since we had abstained for 3 days to give us better sperm...well J's SA wasn't as good this month. His concentration was much lower. Although he had 33.3 million, his grade wasn't as good and his his motility wasn't as good. All was still within normal ranges, but add that to the fact that I think the IUI was done too late, and well...I'm not all that optimistic. Only time will tell, but I'm not holding my breath.


Update on Saturday's dinner with FIL and new wife...

Only one word can describe Saturday...AWKWARD!!!!! They showed up around 12:30 (I was starving by then so I was cranky.) FIL kept telling me to pick the restaurant, and even with me insisting that I didn't care where we went as long as I got food in my stomach within the next hour, he kept on and on about how they wanted to go where I wanted to go. *insert rolling eyes emoticon* So J brings up a Greek restaurant...everyone agrees (remember this part).

Well, on our way to the restaurant FIL says, "Janna, why don't you pick somewhere else for us to go?"

Uh, what??? Didn't we already agree where we're going?

So J says, "I thought we were going to the Greek restaurant?"

FIL says, "Well, we're eating at a Greek restaurant tonight for dinner."

So I'm thinking, "Then why did you people say something when the restaurant was mentioned 10 minutes ago?" *insert frustrated emoticon*

J say, "Well, do you like Chinese? We can go to P.F. Ch.ang's."

Both FIL and new wife say that they haven't been there so we change course and head to P.F. Cha.ng's.

Dinner was incredibly long and uncomfortable. I didn't have much to say because FIL creeps me out. J did a really good job making small talk, but I could tell he was struggling. FIL is so weird...he introduces himself to the waiter and shakes his hand...that's just weird. The waiter doesn't care about your name. He sees tons of people a week. Don't fill his brain with useless information about who you are!!!

Anyway...FIL and new wife came back to our house for a couple of hours after lunch. Again, awkward and uncomfortable small talk. Good thing we had Maddie, our miniature Dachshund there because most of the talk was about her. Thank God for Maddie!!

Honestly, I hope that we don't ever have to entertain them again. I know that sounds horrible, but FIL is just too over the top. I hate that he dotes all over new wife and he never did that to J's mom. I hate that he has to make friends with everyone, even to the embarrassment of everyone around him. And I hate that he thinks that we're all okay with what he's done. I really feel sorry for J. But, I love him so much more for being able to get through the day with such grace and strength. He continues to amaze me every day!!!