Soul Searching

I've done a ton of soul searching lately to really get down to the center of my feelings. Most days I come up with nothing, but yesterday I had an epiphany (FINALLY). I think the thing that I'm most angry about is not the m/c's or the two years that we tried and failed to have a baby, but it's the fact that with the end of this cycle comes the end of my fertility. I will never be able to ttc again because Dr. C said that I cannot get off the Meth.otre.xate again, which means I will be on bcp until I hit menopause. That has been the hardest thing for me to stomach. Yes, there is still some anger about the m/c's, but most of my anger now is pointed at the fact that I will never be a mother to my own biological children. But the thing is, I'm not angry with God about losing my fertility at such a young age. I'm angry with myself, my body, the fact that I have arthritis, etc... I feel like a huge failure. But more than anything I feel like I let J down, and knowing that I've let him down really makes me even more angry at myself. I know there are many women out there that haven't been able to have their own children and have gone on to live perfectly happy lives, but for me to never have my own child really crushes the inner core of my being. Should it? Probably not, but it does.

Again, I can't thank you ladies enough for praying for me and offering words of comfort. You truly have been HUGE blessings in my life!!!! I just hope I can return the favor one day!!

I'm Humbled

I just wanted to say thank you to all you wonderful ladies who commented on my last entry. I think you all had such insightful things to say on the punishment for sins point I made. All my life I've been told that we are punished for our sins, but I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that infertility was my punishment. Like many of you, I just don't think that's so. I think that God is more gracious than that. But when our SS teacher brought up the punishment for sins I couldn't help but think about it my infertility.

I have so much to learn about God's character. And I've got a lot to learn about how to deal with my infertility and not let it consume my every thought. Right now it's all I think about because so many people around me are pregnant. I wish I could focus on my wonderful life with J and all the blessings that God has given me throughout my life. I want to be happy with my life, but I feel so incomplete without children. And I know that kills J. That's my struggle...I love J with every ounce of my being. He's the most wonderful man I have ever met. And I feel so blessed to be married to him. He loves me for me, and he's loved me whether I weighed 120 pounds or 188 pounds. He's an amazing man. So why isn't that enough? Why is a life with the man I love not enough for me? My heart breaks because I don't feel like I'm giving J all of me, but I feel like he's giving me all of himself. I want to feel complete. I want J to know that if we never have children that I will be content and at peace with our lives. But how can I promise him that if all I want is someone else's fertile life?

J said he watched Kel.lie Coff.ey's video "I Would Die For That". I said, "You cried, didn't you?" He replied, "Yeah, I did." I wanted so much to say, "You know, I feel exactly like she does. I'm struggling with the fact that I'm not happy with my life because I feel incomplete without children. Here I have you as my husband, and it's just not enough for me." But I couldn't tell him. I couldn't do that to him. But in all honesty, I think he knows that's how I feel. He's a very perceptive guy so I think the fact that I put the video on my MySpace page led him to believe I identified with her. And I think that kills him. He's also a guy that wants to fix things that are wrong, and he can't figure out how to fix this for me, and that bothers him so much.

I feel like because of my infertility that J has lost a part of me. And you know, I'm to the point where I want the old me back. I've got to find some way to come to terms with this and be at peace with the life I've been given. I can't keep living like this because it's not truly living. I used to be this vibrant person with a bubbly personality who found the best in everyone. Now I'm bitter and angry, and I don't want to be like this anymore. I used to see things for how they could be, and now I see things for what they're lacking. I want to be happy for people again when they tell me they're pregnant. I used to be the first to offer to give them a baby shower. I used to offer to make their shower invitations, and now I dread getting invitations in the mail and I try to come up with all these excuses not to go. I want to be whole again.

I don't want to blame God for this anymore. It's just not healthy, and I'm just not me anymore. I don't believe infertility is God's making. I believe it's completely Satan's doing, and he's loving how I'm responding to my circumstances. He's loving that I'm blaming God for this instead of him. I've got to stop blaming God, and start asking Him to fill my soul with peace and comfort. I know God has a plan for me, and I need to be seeking His plan and not wallowing in the fact that my plan isn't panning out. I know that once I allow God's peace to flood my soul that I will be free of all this bitterness and anger. I know that joy comes in the morning, and although the times are tough I can still be joyful about the life I DO have rather than focusing on the life I wish I had. This road isn't going to be easy, and I know I'll have moments when I stumble back into this old way of thinking, but I have to keep pressing on! I have to find a way to be content with the life God has given me with J and our furbabies.

Powerful...

There are so many things that I hate about this journey, but the one that I hate the most is the fact that I have PCOS, and that's what's causing all the trouble staying pregnant. I hate my body (for so many reasons). But last night at choir rehearsal (J and I sing in the choir at church) while singing one of the songs I was floored and literally stopped singing. The words that stopped me dead in my tracks were:

You have formed me the way that I am.
I am wonderfully made by your hand.
Oh Lord you know me.

Those words kept resonating through my mind all evening. I know that God made me, and I should accept how He made me. But when all I want is to be able to carry a little human being in my womb and I keep miscarrying, all I can think about is how God must have made a mistake. But the more I reread those words the more I'm reminded that He didn't make a mistake when He created me. He made me just the way He wanted me to be. I don't fully understand why I have PCOS or why I can't hold onto a pregnancy, but I am wonderfully made by God's hand. I have to trust that He knew what He was doing when He created me, and that He'll see me through this time in my life. I'm so glad that I don't have to go through this alone. I can draw on His strength and comfort. What a blessing!!!