Soul Searching

I've done a ton of soul searching lately to really get down to the center of my feelings. Most days I come up with nothing, but yesterday I had an epiphany (FINALLY). I think the thing that I'm most angry about is not the m/c's or the two years that we tried and failed to have a baby, but it's the fact that with the end of this cycle comes the end of my fertility. I will never be able to ttc again because Dr. C said that I cannot get off the Meth.otre.xate again, which means I will be on bcp until I hit menopause. That has been the hardest thing for me to stomach. Yes, there is still some anger about the m/c's, but most of my anger now is pointed at the fact that I will never be a mother to my own biological children. But the thing is, I'm not angry with God about losing my fertility at such a young age. I'm angry with myself, my body, the fact that I have arthritis, etc... I feel like a huge failure. But more than anything I feel like I let J down, and knowing that I've let him down really makes me even more angry at myself. I know there are many women out there that haven't been able to have their own children and have gone on to live perfectly happy lives, but for me to never have my own child really crushes the inner core of my being. Should it? Probably not, but it does.

Again, I can't thank you ladies enough for praying for me and offering words of comfort. You truly have been HUGE blessings in my life!!!! I just hope I can return the favor one day!!