Stupid Fertiles

Sunday I was invited to a baby shower for a friend. We're not close at all, but Elizabeth and J went to college together (though they didn't know each other personally, just knew of one another), and so occasionally we get invited to their house to watch MS State games. Elizabeth and her hubby had a couple of m/c so I was genuinely happy for them. I sucked it up, went to Tar.get got a present and a cute little gift bag, and went to the shower. I did fine. UNTIL...(You knew that was coming didn't you???)

A not-so-nice girl named Ashley walked in.

(Background: Ashley also had a couple of m/c and is 6 months pregnant, but I'm not really all that excited for her because she's a MAJOR complainer. I've seen her 4 times in the last 4 months, and every time I have seen her she has been complaining about something...morning sickness, bloating, getting kicked, back ache, peeing a lot, how tired she is, blah, blah, blah.)

Back to the story: Another friend, Sherrie, asked Ashley what was wrong because she came in with this horrible look on her face. Ashley pointed at her protruding belly and said, "This" and rolled her eyes.

I wanted to jump out of my skin!!! I think my jaw dropped to the floor. How could someone who had 2 m/c feel so horrible about being pregnant? I mean, did she not know that there would be times when she might be uncomfortable or tired? Don't get me wrong, I know that morning sickness and peeing all the time is difficult, but come on...must you complain about EVERYTHING about your prengnacy. Couldn't she be happy for the fact that she's getting kicked all the time because it means that her baby is thriving in there??? Or couldn't she be happy that the baby is sitting on her bladder because it means that the baby is growing???

It took everything in me not to walk over to her and whisper in her ear, "You know you really need to be more thankful for what you've got because you could be in my infertile shoes trying to come up $30,000 to fund an adoption. Just suck it up and put on a happy face because I would kill to be in your shoes."

But, I didn't. I was nice and just walked away when she started complaining (AGAIN).

The thing that makes me so frustrated about this is that she KNOWS about our struggles. MW asked me once if she could tell Ashley about our m/c's because Ashley was feeling alone in her grief after her second loss. *ROLLING EYES* Now I regret letting MW tell her.

MW emailed to tell me how proud of me she was that I went to the shower. She asked how I was and if I needed to talk, so I let my frustrations out even though she and Ashley are friends. I apologized for talking about her friend, but I just couldn't help it because she made that situation unbearable for me. I really was fine amidst all the baby oohs and ahhs until she walked in. Of course MW understood and told me that Ashley's parents have actually told her to quit complaining. So I feel a little bit better knowing that even her parents can't stand all the whining, but still...I was having a very rare strong moment and she ruined it.

1 Week Down

And 1 to go. I'm not really analyzing my chart. I know better. Just putting in my temps and logging off. I haven't even been on the FF and LP boards much. I just don't feel like chatting with people who want to know about my symptoms and who look at my chart and get all excited with a temp jump or dip. Nope. This cycle I'm taking it easy and rolling with the punches. I don't want to get all excited for nothing. Isn't it sad what this journey does over time?

Please say a prayer for me tonight (if you're the praying type). I'm invited to MW's (my fertile myrtle friend) house for a Pamp.ered Ch.ef (PC) party, and 3 of the ladies who will be there are pregnant. I'm SOOO not looking forward to this, but I don't want to hurt MW's feelings by not going, and honestly, I REALLY like PC stuff, and there are things that I really want to buy. So I'm going. I'm going to suck it up and go. Please Lord...don't let there be too much pregnancy happiness!!!! I know I'm almost through the tww, and there's a possiblility that I am pregnant right now, but I'm in that "I have no idea, but I don't really think I am" stage so I really don't want to hear about all their pregnancies. Maybe I should show up late just in time for the demonstration and ordering. Hmmmm, that's an idea.

More Than I Can Handle

In the last 3 days I've heard about 3 different people who have gotten pregnant. While I'm happy for them I'm really sad for myself. Two of the girls are just aquaintances, but they've both had more than one miscarriage, so for them I'm really excited. But the third already has 2 kids. I'm happy for her, too, because she's a very dear friend. But WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN??????? I'm so tired of being lapped!! I would never wish this IF crap on ANYONE. I just want my turn too!!!!!!

Gosh, I sound so bitter, but how can I not be when I'm coming up on 2 years of ttc???

Just Need to Vent!!

I was at the gym with MW this morning. I do fine when I'm around her, though I'm extremely jealous I can still be around her because she doesn't throw her pregnancy in my face. She knows everything we've been through, and even though she's a fertile myrtle (it took her 1 month to conceive this one, and 2 months to conceive DS) she's still very sensitive to my feelings. But a friend of hers, we'll call her "Me Girl", came in and joined us on the elliptical, and all she could talk about was her pregnancy and how things were going to change and what stroller and car seat to get, BLAH BLAH BLAH. "Me Girl" is due in December so it's not like I needed to hear all these things to know she was pregnant because I could see her freakin' belly. But the things is, she KNOWS what we've gone through because I told her the first day I met her at water aerobics when she asked if we had children. We talked about how she'd had a m/c too in between this one and her DS. So "Me Girl" knows about our issues. Granted I don't see her very often (thank God), and she doesn't know the last 2 IUI's didn't work, but she knows how freakin' long we've been ttc. That just ticks me off when people KNOW your situation but they are so completely self absorbed (hence the "Me Girl" name) that they talk about themselves the whole time. I just had to leave. I didn't want to start crying in public so I left. When I got to the car I lost it. This is just SOOOOO unfair.

Being the GREAT friend that MW is, she immediately went home after her workout to email me to see if I was okay, despite the fact that she needed to go run errands..."Just wanted to check in on ya. I am sorry that she wouldnt stop talking about babies. I tried to change the subject to food, but it didnt work. Call me if you need to chat, I am off to run errands."

I'm so thankful for MW because she truly does understand where I'm at, and I truly am excited for her, but as I said in my reply...

"I just needed to get out. I know y'all are both excited about your pregnancies, and you have every right to talk about them. I am just not at the point where I can be around all that yet. I hope I didn't seem rude. I didn't mean to be, but I was about to start crying and I didn't want to make a scene. I've had my crying session so I'm okay now. It’s just that there are so many pregnant people around, and it's hard. I'm tired of feeling like this, but at this point I don't know what to do to make it stop. I guess it's just going to take time."

Thanks for listening ladies! I just needed to get that out. Anyone have a similar story...misery loves company, right?

Boy, Do I Feel HORRIBLE!!!

More about my friend, MW.

As I said yesterday, MW and I talk about everything ttc. And when I've learned something about blood tests or hormones levels or medications, etc...we've talked about it. And because of that she's been very nervous about something going wrong. So I sent her a message apologizing for making her so "knowledgable". She sends me this email, and what she said had me in tears!!!

And again, don't be sorry about anything!!! As if!!! Yes you have definitely opened my eyes to all kinds of factors I never thought about, but hey that's life!! I wouldn't trade it for anything!! I just really pray that you get good news soon!!! But know in advance that if I am, and God forbid you aren't, there will be no fake showing of excitment when you don't want to be!!! I am a big girl in every sense of the word, and it is more important to me that you be yourself, and show your true emotions, than to be fake! I know that if you aren't happy all the time, that it isn't intended to be personal to me!! I will not have you feeling uncomfortable around me!! And if there are days you just can't be around me, I can take that too!! It won't change a thing!! But in saying all of that, I truly hope that we will be able to celebrate together!! That would be awesome, and such a gift to me!! : )

The last two sentences are the ones that really got to me. I do feel terrible for feeling jealous, but after reading all of your comments I know that it's a normal thing. I am happy for MW and JE. And I hope and pray that her pregnancy is flawless. But to know that I can be totally real with her takes a huge weight off my shoulders. I truly am blessed to have her in my life. Amidst all the stupid, insensitive fertiles that don't think about the fact that there are people out there that struggle with infertility, I just wanted y'all to know about my wonderful friend MW who is definitely NOT your typical fertile.

I'm Mixed

My friend, MW (I've talked about her before) has a little boy, who is the cutest little boy you'll ever meet. Well, today MW told me that she's pregnant again. I had an idea that she might be because she said she'd been nauseated, tired and her boobs had been hurting. We share everything. That's how close we are. We know when the other is ovulating, about the start, cramping, you name it, we've talked about it. MW has been there for me every step of this crappy journey so I owe her a great deal of gratitude. Though she's never experienced a loss she has let me talk about everything and she's offered the best advice that she's known how to give.

Anyway, after she told me she was pregnant she said that she wanted this so much more for me than for herself, and that she wished I could test already because she is anxious for me. That's how great of a friend she is. I'm excited for her, I really am, but deep down I'm jealous. Is that normal? I mean, she's my closest friend (other than my best friend S), but being as how we're 19 months into our journey with no live child, and it took MW and JE one month really stings. Ugh!!! I hate feeling like this. I want to be able to be happy, just happy and nothing else!