Tired of the Cancellations!!

Our SW called J on Thursday and had to cancel their meeting AGAIN!! But it's not so much the cancellations that are making me mad. It's the fact that she calls to schedule his meeting without her planner with her. (In fact, every meeting we've scheduled she hasn't had her planner with her. It's just a miracle that our first meeting and my individual meeting were actually able to happen.) So because of this she's making the appts and then having to cancel because she had something planned. I want so badly to call her and say, "Please don't call until you actually have your planner with you." This is getting so frustrating. We were completely prepared to have his meeting right after mine, but she wanted to meet on another date. That was March 15th. Here we are 2 weeks later, and there's no meeting for J in sight. This really shouldn't matter seeing as how we haven't even picked which agency we're going with, but it's more about the principal of the matter. BE PREPARED!!!!

Rant over!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY J!!

Today J turns 34!!! Maddie and I started the day by singing to him. He loves to hear us sing!! ;o)For lunch we went to our favorite burger joint in Kem.ah, TX (Tooki.es). Then I went shopping with Mom while J went home to work. Poor guy having to work on his b-day. The real celebrating started tonight. We ordered catfish from J's favorite place in Pasa-get-down-dena (Su.dies). I made him his favorite cake (strawberry with strawberry icing) and we had his favorite ice cream (Blu.e Be.ll Vani.lla Be.an). We sat out on Mom's patio and looked at their new pool. We couldn't get in yet...the chemicals aren't right yet. Mom and Charley gave J money (which will be put in the baby fund) and a puzzle. J had a great time playing with the puzzle after dinner. J said this was a great b-day. Hopefully next year it will be better because we'll have a little one to help us celebrate!!

Handling My Emotions

I was told today that I seem to be handling the fact that I'm not able to give J a child of our own very well. And the girl who said that asked me how I've been able to get to this point. So this was my response...

Honestly, I have my good days and bad days. Most days are good, but when I'm around pregnant people I withdraw quite a bit. I was telling our SW (when she asked about how I'm handling our infertility) that I'm fine with babies and children, but it's the pregnant women and baby showers that I'm having the hardest time with. I told her I thought it was because that was what I wanted so badly for us that it just strikes a huge chord in me and brings out the jealousy. But when I'm around babies and kids I don't mind it because I love kids so much.

I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter how we become parents. It's that we become parents that matters the most. It's in those jealous times when I have to repeat that over and over again. I guess after a while I just started believing it. God has a better plan for us, and He is going to take care of us. I know that we will be parents someday and that we'll make very loving parents. I think, if nothing else, that this journey will make us even better parents because of the hurdles we've had to cross and the despair we've had to muddle through. I've spent many a night crying because I can't give J a baby of our own, but then I started realizing that by adopting I am giving him a child...the perfect child for us. S/he may not have his eyes or his smile, but they will have his heart and his love for others because those things are learned. And the more I think about it the more I truly believe that the character we help our child build for him or herself is much more important than having their daddy's physical features.

I think that once we finally decided to stop fertility treatments and head full steam into adoption I came to believe my motto (that it's more important that we become parents than how we become parents) more and more.

Yes, it will be always hurt a little to see our family members and friends having their own children, but I think in the end, all that matters is that you love and care for
the child that you're given, however they may come to you. I think J said it best in his autobiography for our HS..."Blood may be thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood."

I guess I'm writing a post about this because the more I wrote to her the more I saw myself healing from the wounds of infertility. And that REALLY excited me. I'm HEALING!!!! Praise God!!! I never thought I would ever get to this point, but I AM!!!! And I can't tell you how good that makes me feel!!!!

Very Touching

Today our church held its annual Easter Egg Festival, and as always, J and I signed up to work. While I was talking to a friend a lady from our MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) Group walked up to me and asked me how our meeting went. I was surprised that she knew about it, but I told her that it went really well, and then she said (and this gives me chills), "We pray for you and J every week at our Bible study." I wanted to cry, but all I could do was thank her and tell her how much it meant that they were praying. MW mentioned our HS meetings one week, and now they are praying for us as we're going through our adoption journey. That just means so much because I don't really know these ladies all that well. I've met a few of them because last year I was a MOPS child care worker and kept their kids while they met, but this year I didn't do it because it was just too hard emotionally. I just can't tell you how much it means to have people praying for us. And to know that people that we don't know all that well are praying just blesses my heart so much.

Because of this conversation today, I feel the need to tell you all that I pray for each and every one of you, my precious blogging buddies. Many times it's as a whole, but when I know of a specific request I do lift you up in prayer individually. I also know that I have several readers that are not the praying type, and that's okay, and I respect that you don't feel the same way I do, but I just know how much it blessed my heart to hear that we were being prayed for, so I wanted to pass this along in hopes that your hearts are blessed as well.

Meeting Day is Here

Individual meetings with the SW start at 10:30 (CST) with me going first. All prayers would be GREATLY appreciated. I'm very calm about it all, and I'd REALLY like to keep it that way. lol

Update...

Sorry for my tardy update. After our SW left we went to the mall to find me an Easter dress. Then by the time we got home I was hurting pretty badly and several joints had me blown up like a toad so I just took it easy for the rest of the night.

The meeting went very well. She only wanted to meet with one of us, so I was the guina pig. She's coming back next weekend to meet with J.

In a nut shell she asked me lots of questions about my family, and I did tell her about my abuse. She thought that it had all been handled in a very healthy way. When she asked me why J would make a good father I teared up. I just know he's going to make an excellent dad, and through the teariness I think she saw that. She took a look through the house and thought there was nothing else that we needed (other than baby furniture, but that's not happening until we have a baby in the house.) We talked about discipline, day care arrangements, etc....pretty much everything that was in the autobiography. I turned in all the paper work that we had done so far, and she was very impressed that we had that much done. We still have a few things to get done paper work wise, but she said her part would be done by early April. All in all I think the meeting went well.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I stayed very calm and never got nervous, even when I was talking about the abuse. I think that goes to show that our SW is just very easy to talk to and very nonjudgemental.

Stupid Fertiles

Sunday I was invited to a baby shower for a friend. We're not close at all, but Elizabeth and J went to college together (though they didn't know each other personally, just knew of one another), and so occasionally we get invited to their house to watch MS State games. Elizabeth and her hubby had a couple of m/c so I was genuinely happy for them. I sucked it up, went to Tar.get got a present and a cute little gift bag, and went to the shower. I did fine. UNTIL...(You knew that was coming didn't you???)

A not-so-nice girl named Ashley walked in.

(Background: Ashley also had a couple of m/c and is 6 months pregnant, but I'm not really all that excited for her because she's a MAJOR complainer. I've seen her 4 times in the last 4 months, and every time I have seen her she has been complaining about something...morning sickness, bloating, getting kicked, back ache, peeing a lot, how tired she is, blah, blah, blah.)

Back to the story: Another friend, Sherrie, asked Ashley what was wrong because she came in with this horrible look on her face. Ashley pointed at her protruding belly and said, "This" and rolled her eyes.

I wanted to jump out of my skin!!! I think my jaw dropped to the floor. How could someone who had 2 m/c feel so horrible about being pregnant? I mean, did she not know that there would be times when she might be uncomfortable or tired? Don't get me wrong, I know that morning sickness and peeing all the time is difficult, but come on...must you complain about EVERYTHING about your prengnacy. Couldn't she be happy for the fact that she's getting kicked all the time because it means that her baby is thriving in there??? Or couldn't she be happy that the baby is sitting on her bladder because it means that the baby is growing???

It took everything in me not to walk over to her and whisper in her ear, "You know you really need to be more thankful for what you've got because you could be in my infertile shoes trying to come up $30,000 to fund an adoption. Just suck it up and put on a happy face because I would kill to be in your shoes."

But, I didn't. I was nice and just walked away when she started complaining (AGAIN).

The thing that makes me so frustrated about this is that she KNOWS about our struggles. MW asked me once if she could tell Ashley about our m/c's because Ashley was feeling alone in her grief after her second loss. *ROLLING EYES* Now I regret letting MW tell her.

MW emailed to tell me how proud of me she was that I went to the shower. She asked how I was and if I needed to talk, so I let my frustrations out even though she and Ashley are friends. I apologized for talking about her friend, but I just couldn't help it because she made that situation unbearable for me. I really was fine amidst all the baby oohs and ahhs until she walked in. Of course MW understood and told me that Ashley's parents have actually told her to quit complaining. So I feel a little bit better knowing that even her parents can't stand all the whining, but still...I was having a very rare strong moment and she ruined it.

Like My New Layout???

Thanks to Jenny at Pink Armchair Designs I have a CUTE new design for my blog. She is so incredibly talented!!! I simply told her the colors I liked and that I was a polka dotty and stripes kind of girl, and this is what she came up with!!! It's very "ME". Go by and check out her designs. You'll be very glad you did!!

THANK YOU JENNY!!!!!!!

Individual Meetings

Our individual meetings with our SW are Saturday morning. I'm presently scurrying around trying to get our paperwork done and get our reference letters mailed out. My life in one word...HECTIC!!!

Nu.va Ri.ng and other stuff

I hate that I have to take BCP, but in order to have my cycles I have to take the junk. I told Dr. K at my annual visit that I didn't want to have to take a pill every day for the next 10-15 years. His suggestion was an IUD, but I wasn't so sure about that. It just kind of wigged me out to have something foreign inside my uterus for 5 years. So I started the Nu.va Rin.g today, and I was surprised at how huge it was!! It was awkward to insert, but I think I finally got it in the right spot. I don't feel it, so that's a good thing. Question is...will J know it's there???

For the last year or so I have been so emotional. Before we started ttc and had the m/c's I never was a cryer. It took a lot to make me cry, and even the sadest moments couldn't get the waterworks gushing. But now...I cry at the dumbest things. Take the Pedigree commercials for example. The ones where they are saying that for every dog that is adopted there is one that isn't and they're showing a dog wagging its tail in a cage watching a couple pass by and go to another cage. OMG!!! I cry like a baby when I see that commercial. As if that one isn't bad enough, now they've come out with another one. It talks about when owners move and leave their dogs behind and it shows a dog just sitting there wagging its tail like it has no clue what's going on. They're killing me here!!! What is going on with me?

OMG This is so funny!!!!

http://www.geekoffice.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=643

In a Quandary

You'll need a little background to understand my quandary.

When I was in 2nd grade I was sexually abused by a family member (who shall remained nameless). It went on for about 3 years, and in 5th grade I finally got up the nerve to tell my mom. This news of these horrible events was kept secret and never spoken about again. My mom never took me to counseling because she was ashamed, and at the time I don't know that it would have been the right thing for me because I was so embarrassed. I didn't want to talk to my mom about getting a bra, when I started my period, or boys, muchless the fact that I was sexually abused. I was that private of a person so part of me is glad that she didn't force me to go into counseling. (I don't fault her for the decision she made, so please don't bash her for it either!) It wasn't until I graduated from college and was out on my own that I finally decided to see a professional. But even then, I didn't tell mom I was going to counseling. I went through intense post traumatic stress counseling. I wrote about it, I talked about it, and I confronted my abuser. He didn't apologize when I confronted him, but I was okay with that because of where I was in my therapy. I know he went through some counseling, but I don't know to what extent he was counseled.

So flash forward 10 years...now we're on the road to adoption, and I don't know whether to say something to our SW about the abuse. Not because I'm not able to talk about it. In fact, I've done a complete 180 in that I can talk to anyone about it. There's no shame anymore, and I decided a long time ago that I was going to talk about it because I just never knew when I might meet someone who has been there. I want to be able to help. (Much like my reasoning for being so open about my infertility.) My issue about not telling the SW is, there is no record with the police of this abuse. I just don't want to dredge up the past with this person. I confronted him and I've moved on and have become able to be around him without thinking about it all the time. What I don't know is if our SW will want to speak with him because he is still a part of our family, and our child will have contact with him at all family functions. He and I have a good (not great) relationship now. I was able to forgive him and move past it. But the thing I can't promise our SW is that he'll never do it again. I can do my best to never let my child be alone with him, but I can't control him, and if it's something that he is determined to do I don't know that I can stop it. There will come a time when our child will want to sleep over at his house with their child, and I don't know how I'll respond when that comes up. That's what I hate about the adoption process...we have to know what we're going to do in every circumstance, whereas if it were our biological child we would get to figure this out as we go along. But because we're essentially trying to "sell" ourselves as the "perfect parents" we have to know how to handle specific situations now rather than later.

So in case you are lost because I started rambling...I don't know what to do! Do I tell our SW straight up what happened, or do I not mention it in the hopes she doesn't ask if either of us have ever been abused? And if it does come up, do I lie about it or do I tell the truth? I leaning towards just putting it all out there, but I'm scared to death that it will affect our chances. Should it? Heck no, but I know there's a possibility that it could. I know SW have heard it all, but the fact that I still have contact with this person plays a BIG role in what the outcome is. What would you do???

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In response to a couple comments...
The responses about understanding why they would be hesitant is why I'm so afraid to say anything. I wish it were so easy to say that I wouldn't ever see this person again. That would have made my therapy so much easier, believe me. But he's in my immediate family. And I can't expect my mom to tell him that he can't come to our family events. That is what's so sticky about this situation. I would so love to be able to tell our SW that our child won't ever be around this guy, but the truth is, that's not possible. I sure hope that they won't hold that against me and J, and quite honestly I can't understand why they would. To me that's like saying that I wouldn't make a good mother because I was abused and won't let my family be torn apart by it. If nothing else I think it would make me look like a better mother because I confronted the issue, dealt with it and moved on rather than sitting in a corner, curled up in a ball, and rocking back and forth. That's why I'm so glad I said something because it gives me insight about how our SW might feel about how the problem has been dealt with. I feel like it's been dealt with in a healthy way, but to an outsider the fact that I can be around my abuser may seem wreckless and irresponsible. I just hope our SW and our agency don't feel that way.

Tagged

I was tagged by Anla. Here it goes.

The rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you (see above).
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.


Six non-important things about me:

1. Roaches scare the crap out of me. Especially the ones that can fly. GROSS!!!

2. I LOVE to organize stuff. When I was a teacher several of my co-workers came to my room to see how I organized my classroom. The Con.tai.ner Sto.re is like a candy store for me!!

3. I like to sing badly on purpose. I made the Texas All-State choir my junior and senior years in high school, so I can sing, but when I'm in the car I love to sing bad. J hates it!

4. I had the toe nails on my big toes fixed when I was in college because I was constantly getting in-grown toe nails.

5. I have a fetish for pens. Be careful...I just might swipe yours if I like them. I mostly like the fat ones because it's easier to write with since I have arthritic hands. We have pens from all kinds of businesses. I'm sad to say I steal pens.

6. I hate scary movies and shoot-em-ups. I can deal with an occasional suspense thriller, but for the most part I'm a chick-flick and kid movie kind of girl.

I'm tagging Jamme, Elaine, and Katie.

Two "happies" for me today

It's my 34th birthday and my 1st blogaversary today!!! Woo Hoo!!!