Snowflake Adoption

http://www.wsoctv.com/seenon9/19407480/detail.html

We are friends with the donor couple, and I just wanted to share their incredible story! What an incredible gift, and I'm sure the adoptive mother had the most wonderful Mother's Day ever!

Being Sneaky

We have this hideous paneling in our den that I've been wanting to paint for some time now, but with my arthritis giving me problems I've put it off. My friend L decided that we were going to tackle it this week while J was in NYC and surprise him with a complete makeover when he comes home Sunday night. L doesn't pay full price for anything, so we went to Ben.jami.n Mo.or.e today, bought 4 gallons of "oops" paint for $6 a can, mixed them all together and came out with this gorgeous sagey mossy green. We came home, got the walls and fireplace primed, and started painting...It looks AMAZING!!! I'm so excited!!

But the sneakiness doesn't stop there. I went with L and her mom to a furniture liquidator and found a 5x8 rug for $88!! And we found a TV stand for $75!! So, we moved the entertainment center to the curb, we're putting the TV console table from the living room in the den, and we're putting the new TV stand in the living room. The only thing left to do is find new curtains, a few throw pillows and a couple things to hang on the walls. It would be SO exciting to be able to do this makeover for under $500!!! With L in charge I know that can be done! Hopefully we can have all this finished by Sunday night when J comes home!! He'll be SO surprised!!!!

We had hail damage from a storm a few months back. The roofers came today...can't wait to see it all complete!! J may think he's in the wrong house with all the changes that are taking place!!

Lonesome Ramblings

I had a wonderful visit with my BFF Sarah and her little girl Em. They came in on Wednesday and I just dropped them off at the airport a little while ago. While they were here we went to the Children's Museum in New Orleans, we rode the carousel at the mall, I took them to see Mike the Tiger on the LSU campus, we went swimming (well, they swam while I sat on the side taking pictures b/c of my boot), we went to Chu.ck E. Che.ese's, and it wouldn't be a trip if we did shop 'til we dropped. I just love their annual visit! Sarah and I got our BFF scrapbook brought up to date, though now we're officially behind again. HA HA!

A little background on Sarah...she and I were roomates in college for the last year and a half we were there. And we have been best friends ever since. Sometimes it's so hard to believe that we've known each other for 13 years! And in all those years I don't think we've ever had a fight. Sure, we got annoyed by the other a time or two, but it's just the easiest friendship I have in my life. I just love her to bits, and our moms are great friends, too.

Sarah's little girl is 5 years old, and about a year ago, Sarah had the itch to have another baby, but she decided that she wasn't having another one until I had a baby. Can you believe that??? Of course, I told her to go ahead and try again, but she would have nothing of it. I know she wants another baby so badly, but to have a friend who puts your happiness ahead of her own is just so rare. She's a true blessing, and I couldn't thank God enough for bringing us together 13 years ago!!! I hope that each of you have a friend like Sarah! And if you do...thank the Lord for her, and then go tell her how much you love her!!!

J also left this morning, but he's headed to NYC. He is taking a group from our Sunday School class on a "vacation with a purpose". They'll be working in a soup kitchen for 3 days, and then for the rest of the week they will be typical tourists loose in the city! We have a friend who is a missionary in NY, and they will be working with him. I wish I could have gone, and my heart just aches b/c I'm am not on that plane with them, but I know that my foot needs the rest. Please keep them in your prayers...traveling mercies, safety while they are there, and that God will bless their efforts in a mighty way.

Hmmm, I have the whole week to myself...what's a girl in a big black bionic boot (as J calls it) to do???

One Blog Roll Shortens While Another Lengthens!!

I've been updating my blog roll as my fellow IF bloggers make their way over to the Mommy Side, and I just can't believe how short my IF blog roll is. But I can honestly say that I am finding that SOOOO rewarding and exciting!!! Before, I would have been so jealous that I was not getting moved to the Mommy Side, but you know...I'm COMPLETELY okay with it. I know that it's going to happen for me someday, and in the meantime I am just so excited for all my new blogging mommies! Praise God for new blessings!!!

But while one part of me rejoices with all the new mommies, another part of me is hurting for those who are still trying to get pregnant month after month with nothing to show for it but pokes, prods, mounds of meds and crushed hearts. So please say a prayer for all those who don't have a * by their name and those who haven't been moved over to the mommy side. I want so desperately for every woman on that IF blog roll to hold their baby in their arms very soon!!!

All Kinds of News

We FINALLY got our bloodwork paperwork for the MS agency mailed off!! (I'm hearing angels singing the Hallelujah Chorus.) So now we've officially turned in both completed applications. Now what? You ask. I have no idea! Ask me in a week or two. I have yet to hear from either agency. Will they let me know whether our applications have been accepted??? I have no idea. I guess I should be more pushy and badger them to death about where we stand, but I just don't have the energy. It's frustrating, for sure, but right now I am just too tired.

I am now in a boot, but it didn't come without it's own share of drama. But I'll spare you the details and just ask that you rejoice with me in the fact that I AM NO LONGER ON CRUTCHES!!!! Let's PARTY!!! I can now take a SHOWER!!!!!!! That is just music to my ears!!!

So what was the 1st thing I did after getting my boot??? Well, I went to meet Kim's PRECIOUS new baby girl, of course! OMG she's BEAUTIFUL!!!! She's got the most beautiful skin and so much hair. Congratulations Kim and R!!!

All Better

I'm feeling much better today, thank the Lord. I got a good cry in yesterday, and today I'm back to my normal self. Now that's not to say that I won't need another good cry after I take MW lunch today, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I truly think I'll be fine. It's just that yesterday it hit me hard that I'll never get to experience the miracle of child birth from MW's point of view. I'm hoping to get to experience it when our future BM (birthmom, not bowel movement!! LOL) has our baby, but I don't think there's ANYTHING that compares to having your own child.

The meeting with St. Eliz.abeth's went well. J and I are hoping to go with them as they are very laid back in their approach to letting us make the decision together with our EM about how much interaction we have with one another. They will allow us to "network" as much or as little as we want, and we can even work with another agency at the same time. Their goal is to get us a child, and they want us to reach that goal no matter how it happens. So if Ne.w Beginn.ings will allow us to work with St. Eliz.abeth's at the same time we're going for it!!! Since they both take no money until after placement, we'll only be out the application fee for the agency we don't get matched with. I told J that if they both match us I'm accepting both!! I got the "engineer glare"...for those of you who don't live with a tightwad engineer...it wasn't a pretty look. I told him I was only kidding, but a tiny part of me was serious. Though I know we won't accept both if it were to happen because that would be very selfish, and I want another couple to have the chance to be parents sooner rather than later.

I'll update you tomorrow on the meeting with New Begin.nings and J's individual interview (if it happens...he hasn't heard from our SW to confirm...I'm worried!!!)

Mixed Emotions

My friend MW had her baby this morning at 6:45...Rachel Leigh. She pushed ONCE!!! They started her pitoc.in drip, laid her on the bed, and her water broke immediately. The nurse told her she was at a 5, she turned around to do whatever L&D nurses do, and 5 minutes later MW was at a 10 and the baby was crowning. They laid her on her side and told her not to push, sneeze, laugh, etc... Dr. K barely got there in time!!! He told her to give a small push, and the baby was out!

Anyway, I'm having a pretty emotional day...I've always wanted a girl (not that we would turn a boy down, but I'm just a froo froo girlie girl, so I've always wanted a girl.) I did fine at the hospital this morning, but it hit me on the way home that she now has what I've always wanted. So I'm a mess right now. To top it all off my due date for my first one is two days away (actually MW's due date is also 4/12 so I'm REALLY glad she was induced today and not Saturday). Our baby should be turning 1 in a couple days. So this really sucks! I'm putting on a happy face because I really am excited for them, but inside I'm crushed.

ETA...I went back up to the hospital this afternoon so I could spend some time with just Michelle while the family went out for lunch, and on my way I stopped by a maternity/baby store that was going out of business and had everything 50% off. I had promised MW's little boy that I would bring him something special when I came back, so I found him a cute "I'm the big brother" cloth photo album so he could show off his sister at church. And while I was there I found the softest pink blanket that I have ever felt, and on it it read "God Bless This Child". I thought it was perfect for MW. When I gave it to her she went on and on about how she didn't have a pink blanket to take Rachel home in (they didn't find out the baby's sex until today) and how appreciative she was for it. While I was there we would talk about Rachel some and then she would start talking about how excited she was about our adoption meetings and how she couldn't wait for me to bring home a baby. She told me I needed to start collecting baby things and putting them in a hope chest, but I told her I wasn't buying anything baby until after the baby was born and we knew it was ours. I mean, I *want* to buy things, but I just can't bring myself to actually *do* it. I guess it's a self-preservation thing.

I stayed for an hour or so after her family came back and more visitors started coming in, so I decided it was time to leave. I went over to MW and told her I would be back tomorrow with lunch (since she had GD she hasn't had french fries or a regular Dr. Pepp.er in a while so I promised I would bring that for her) and she grabbed my arm and told me again how beautiful the blanket was and that she loved it and couldn't wait to bring Rachel home all wrapped up in it. Then she gave my arm a squeeze as if to tell me she knew how hard it was for me to go into a store with baby things and buy it. Then she told me that she expected a full report about our meeting tonight. She said she just had a feeling that St. Eliz.abeth's was going to be the agency for us. That made me feel so good...someone, even though she's a fertile, "gets" it.

I'm Doing the Happy Dance

I just heard from the social worker!!!! Her name is Stacy, and she sounded very sweet and was easy to talk to. We've set up our first meeting at her office for next Friday morning. I have no idea what this meeting will be like, but I'm hoping it's just a "get to know you" and "this is what you'll have to do for your home study" kind of meeting. She said she would meet with me once at our home and on a separate day she would meet with J here at the house. I'm so excited but very nervous at the same time because I'm a "gotta be in the know" kind of gal, so this meeting and all it's unknowns really has me nervous.

Tuesday I called the Louis.iana Bap.tist Chil.dren's Hom.e (LBCH) to ask about their infant adoption program. The girl that I talked to was really sweet, but told me that in the 3 years that she's been there they have only handled 1 infant adoption. WHAT???? They go through a place called Sel.ler's who has a maternity home here in BR. Sel.ler's used to be Sel.ler's Bap.tist Chil.dren's Home and Adop.tion Cent.er and was located in New Orleans and Tallula, La. But it is now doing their adoptions through LBCH. The cost for their adoption process was AMAZINGLY low, as in less than $10,000 low, (we wouldn't even have to take out a loan for that!!) but I just can't wait that long. I know that it might not be that long, but still...what if it is??? So that option has been thrown out the window.

And HUGE Congratulations to JJ and her new title as blogger for Redbook Magazine's Infertility Diaries. I'm so excited for her!!!

Prayer for my friend, MW

For the praying types...please keep my friend MW in your prayers. She's 31 weeks along, and early Wednesday morning she started having contractions 6 minutes apart. They started at 2:30, but she waited until 4:00 to call Dr. K because she thought they were just Bra.xto.n Hi.ck.s until she realized they were very consistent and were lasting longer than usual. So they packed up little B and they went in. Dr. K hooked her up to the monitors and took a swab (???) to check for signs of dilation. He told her they were definitely real contractions, but she showed no signs of dilation, though he said he couldn't 100% reassure her because you start dilating from the inside. He gave her some meds and 3 shots and then sent her home. Her little boy, B, tried to come really early, and she was in the hospital for a few days to stop the contractions. He ended up coming about 3 weeks early, but that beats almost 2 months earlier than planned. She knew she wouldn't carry this one to term especially since she has GD, but they really want to get her to 36 weeks.

To add to this, she has GD. She was just devastated when she got the diagnosis, but she got right on it and started eating healthy. Her blood sugars were doing well, so she thought. Today Dr. K told her that her blood sugars were still fluctuating too much so he might have to put her on meds to get them to level out. She's only gained 6 lbs, so he knew she was doing the right things dietary wise, but it's just not helping. He said her weight was a little on the low side so if she hasn't gained some weight by her next visit next week then she has to go on the meds to help her blood sugar levels while she eats like a normal person. Of course she took that really hard and is blaming herself. Dr. K reassured her that it wasn't anything she could control at this point.

Please keep her in your prayers. Baby C needs to keep cooking, and MW needs to quit beating herself up about the GD!! Thanks y'all!!!

Merry Christmas

As Christmas has approached I've been very cognizant of the fact that we still have no children in our home. But today I realized that I can't focus on what we don't have, but rather I should be focusing on what I *do* have...and that's an amazing husband, a wonderful family, and supportive friends both in real life and in cyber space. I truly have been blessed far beyond what I deserve.

I hope your Christmas is filled with the love of family and friends!!! And I hope more than anything that you'll take the time to truly count all of your blessings during this holiday season. Because, in spite of all of our ttc struggles and the heartache it's filled our lives with, we have ALL been blessed in some way or another.

More Than I Can Handle

In the last 3 days I've heard about 3 different people who have gotten pregnant. While I'm happy for them I'm really sad for myself. Two of the girls are just aquaintances, but they've both had more than one miscarriage, so for them I'm really excited. But the third already has 2 kids. I'm happy for her, too, because she's a very dear friend. But WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN??????? I'm so tired of being lapped!! I would never wish this IF crap on ANYONE. I just want my turn too!!!!!!

Gosh, I sound so bitter, but how can I not be when I'm coming up on 2 years of ttc???

Just Need to Vent!!

I was at the gym with MW this morning. I do fine when I'm around her, though I'm extremely jealous I can still be around her because she doesn't throw her pregnancy in my face. She knows everything we've been through, and even though she's a fertile myrtle (it took her 1 month to conceive this one, and 2 months to conceive DS) she's still very sensitive to my feelings. But a friend of hers, we'll call her "Me Girl", came in and joined us on the elliptical, and all she could talk about was her pregnancy and how things were going to change and what stroller and car seat to get, BLAH BLAH BLAH. "Me Girl" is due in December so it's not like I needed to hear all these things to know she was pregnant because I could see her freakin' belly. But the things is, she KNOWS what we've gone through because I told her the first day I met her at water aerobics when she asked if we had children. We talked about how she'd had a m/c too in between this one and her DS. So "Me Girl" knows about our issues. Granted I don't see her very often (thank God), and she doesn't know the last 2 IUI's didn't work, but she knows how freakin' long we've been ttc. That just ticks me off when people KNOW your situation but they are so completely self absorbed (hence the "Me Girl" name) that they talk about themselves the whole time. I just had to leave. I didn't want to start crying in public so I left. When I got to the car I lost it. This is just SOOOOO unfair.

Being the GREAT friend that MW is, she immediately went home after her workout to email me to see if I was okay, despite the fact that she needed to go run errands..."Just wanted to check in on ya. I am sorry that she wouldnt stop talking about babies. I tried to change the subject to food, but it didnt work. Call me if you need to chat, I am off to run errands."

I'm so thankful for MW because she truly does understand where I'm at, and I truly am excited for her, but as I said in my reply...

"I just needed to get out. I know y'all are both excited about your pregnancies, and you have every right to talk about them. I am just not at the point where I can be around all that yet. I hope I didn't seem rude. I didn't mean to be, but I was about to start crying and I didn't want to make a scene. I've had my crying session so I'm okay now. It’s just that there are so many pregnant people around, and it's hard. I'm tired of feeling like this, but at this point I don't know what to do to make it stop. I guess it's just going to take time."

Thanks for listening ladies! I just needed to get that out. Anyone have a similar story...misery loves company, right?

My Monthly Appt.

So I had yet another" I'm not pregnant, give me more Clomid" appointment today. The first thing that nurse K said when she saw me was, "Did you get your hair colored since we saw you last? Ha Ha...if she only knew!!! Does the fact that she noticed my hair color change mean that I'm in there too often? Does this mean they need to be added to my Christmas card list?

When Dr. K walked into the room he said, "Man, I want you to be pregnant so badly!" And then he goes over to the counter to look at my chart and he slams his hand on the counter and said, "Shit!" I just laughed and said, "Yeah, that's what I said on Monday when I got a stark white pregnancy test."

So here's the run down of the appointment...

• We talked about my short AF this cycle, and he said that's expected with Clomid. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with my lining, but at the same time he's not increasing my dosage because I'm having such short AF's and he doesn't want it to become a problem. If that makes sense.
• He said he was baffled at the fact that I'm not getting pregnant. He knows I'm ovulating, and frankly so do I because I can feel the darn eggs in there when they're about to hatch. He said J's SA was stellar, so he said there shouldn't be any reason for me to not be getting pg. I could see the frustration on his face. Doesn't make me feel good that I'm frustrating my doctor, and it's not because I'm being a pain in the ass by calling all the time.
• I asked him if he thought I had bad eggs, and he said he didn't think so.
• He said he wanted to do a few more IUI's and then if they didn't work then he would refer me to an RE.
• He said he really wanted me to quit temping, and I told him that I couldn't. With my personality it was much better for me to see the temp drop a few days before AF visits so I can prepare myself. I don't like surprises, and for me to wake up one morning to find AF's very unwanted gift would be 100 times worse for me than temping during the 2ww. He understood, and said, "Well, since you put it that way. Just don't obsess about the temps. Deal?" Deal.
• IUI #2 will be sometime at the end of this month.

J and I need to have a sit-down and talk about how many IUI's we're willing to do, and if we even want to go the RE route. We have always said no injects and no ivf because of the money. We want to put the money that would have been spent on those treatments towards adoption. But now, I don't now how I feel about that. We talked about that early on when we weren't even sure if I could get pregnant. Now that we know I can get pregnant I kind of want to see if something can be done to help one stick.

After my appointment I went to the mall to buy another swimsuit for our trip to Jamaica. I got a call while I was there from MW. She said, "I parked next to you. Where are you? B saw your car, and he wants to come see you." So we met up in the swimsuit section of Dill.ards. We chatted and she helped me pick out a swimsuit, we went to the playground to let B play for a while, and then we went to the food court for lunch. After lunch we shopped a bit, and the she stopped me and said, "You know. I just feel so much better after seeing you. I know that you've been really upset lately because you're not pregnant and I am, and I just wanted to see you to know that you were okay. I really feel bad for you, and if there was something I could do to help you, I would do it in a heartbeat. I just want you to know that it's okay that you're upset. I know you're not upset with me, it's the situation. I'm glad we ran into each other. I was worried about you, and I feel better now that I've seen you." And you know, I kind of feel better about it after seeing her, too. Yes, she's fertile myrtle, and I'm not, but I can't let that come between us. She's my closest friend I have here in BR, and I don't want my infertility to be the elephant in the room everytime we're together. I really don't deserve to have a friend like her, but I sure am thankful that I do!!

So that's the skinny...we'll do another IUI and pray that this one works!!!

Boy, Do I Feel HORRIBLE!!!

More about my friend, MW.

As I said yesterday, MW and I talk about everything ttc. And when I've learned something about blood tests or hormones levels or medications, etc...we've talked about it. And because of that she's been very nervous about something going wrong. So I sent her a message apologizing for making her so "knowledgable". She sends me this email, and what she said had me in tears!!!

And again, don't be sorry about anything!!! As if!!! Yes you have definitely opened my eyes to all kinds of factors I never thought about, but hey that's life!! I wouldn't trade it for anything!! I just really pray that you get good news soon!!! But know in advance that if I am, and God forbid you aren't, there will be no fake showing of excitment when you don't want to be!!! I am a big girl in every sense of the word, and it is more important to me that you be yourself, and show your true emotions, than to be fake! I know that if you aren't happy all the time, that it isn't intended to be personal to me!! I will not have you feeling uncomfortable around me!! And if there are days you just can't be around me, I can take that too!! It won't change a thing!! But in saying all of that, I truly hope that we will be able to celebrate together!! That would be awesome, and such a gift to me!! : )

The last two sentences are the ones that really got to me. I do feel terrible for feeling jealous, but after reading all of your comments I know that it's a normal thing. I am happy for MW and JE. And I hope and pray that her pregnancy is flawless. But to know that I can be totally real with her takes a huge weight off my shoulders. I truly am blessed to have her in my life. Amidst all the stupid, insensitive fertiles that don't think about the fact that there are people out there that struggle with infertility, I just wanted y'all to know about my wonderful friend MW who is definitely NOT your typical fertile.

I'm Mixed

My friend, MW (I've talked about her before) has a little boy, who is the cutest little boy you'll ever meet. Well, today MW told me that she's pregnant again. I had an idea that she might be because she said she'd been nauseated, tired and her boobs had been hurting. We share everything. That's how close we are. We know when the other is ovulating, about the start, cramping, you name it, we've talked about it. MW has been there for me every step of this crappy journey so I owe her a great deal of gratitude. Though she's never experienced a loss she has let me talk about everything and she's offered the best advice that she's known how to give.

Anyway, after she told me she was pregnant she said that she wanted this so much more for me than for herself, and that she wished I could test already because she is anxious for me. That's how great of a friend she is. I'm excited for her, I really am, but deep down I'm jealous. Is that normal? I mean, she's my closest friend (other than my best friend S), but being as how we're 19 months into our journey with no live child, and it took MW and JE one month really stings. Ugh!!! I hate feeling like this. I want to be able to be happy, just happy and nothing else!

Stab in the Heart

Today I kept my friend K's little girls because their grandparents weren't able to keep them. This is the second time that I've kept them. The first time I kept them we went to the mall to ride the carousel and play on the playround. Today we went swimming at their neighborhood pool. When we went to the mall last week I had a lady come up to me and ask me how I got my girls to have such good posture. I had to admit that they were my friend's girls, and I wasn't sure how they learned such good posture, but I'm sure the fact that they took dance played a role in it. It made me sad to have to admit that they weren't my girls, but I hid it well. Well today at the pool I had a lady come up to me and ask me where I got my girl's swimsuits. Once again I had to tell her that they weren't mine.**scream** God I wish I had kids of my own! I want to be able to answer everyone's questions about my kids! I don't want to have to keep telling people I'm just their babysitter. I'm happy to keep other people's kids, but geez, is that really as close to having children as I'm gonna get???

Welcome to Our World, Benjamin!

Benjamin came into this world on April 23rd at 8:00 PM weighing in at 8 lbs 8 oz and was 22" long. Congratulations L and C!!! He's beautiful!!!