Merry Christmas

As Christmas has approached I've been very cognizant of the fact that we still have no children in our home. But today I realized that I can't focus on what we don't have, but rather I should be focusing on what I *do* have...and that's an amazing husband, a wonderful family, and supportive friends both in real life and in cyber space. I truly have been blessed far beyond what I deserve.

I hope your Christmas is filled with the love of family and friends!!! And I hope more than anything that you'll take the time to truly count all of your blessings during this holiday season. Because, in spite of all of our ttc struggles and the heartache it's filled our lives with, we have ALL been blessed in some way or another.

Appointment with Dr. C

I've been on Rem.icade for several years, but when I first started on it I was also taking Meth.otrex.ate, a drug that you absolutely cannot be taking when ttc. In September '05 I got off the Meth.otrex.ate, but stayed on the Rem.icade because we knew that we were going to start ttc. I knew from my wonderful Dr. W back in Houston that Rem.icade worked better with Meth.otrex.ate, but it could still work without it, just not as effectively. Well, it's been over 2 years since I got off the Meth.otrex.ate, and I did exceptionally well on just the Rem.icade alone. But Dr. C thinks that I've finally started building up antibodies to the Rem.icade which makes it ineffective. She wants me back on the Meth.otrex.ate, but she did warn me that it might be too late for it to help with the Rem.icade. But I can take the Meth.otrex.ate with another biologic drug like En.brel or Hum.ira. So because she wants me back on the Meth.otrex.ate I have to go back on BCP. She said she's not calling in the Rx yet. She wants me to wait 4 weeks to see if the Rem.icade alone will help. But she's 99.9% sure that it's not gonna help without the Meth.otrex.ate. (And quite honestly, I'm with her, I don't think it's gonna get any better without it.)

Dr. C thinks the pain in my hip is bursitis, pockets of fluid that build up to reduce friction between tissues of the body. She said that it usually forms in the hips of arthritics because they start to walk funny to ease the pain they're experiencing in the knee or ankle. And I can see how that would be true. I have been limping and favoring my left knee more and more throughout this flare. (from medicinenet.com: Trochanteric bursitis frequently causes tenderness of the outer hip, making it difficult for patients to lie on the involved side, frequently making sleep difficult. It also causes a dull, burning pain on the outer hip that is often made worse with excessive walking or stair climbing.) So she gave me a shot of cor.tis.one in my hip and told me it should start to work in about a week, and until I started getting some relief that I needed to take it easy. (I'm pretty good at that, but thanks for the directive. Now I can have J continue to do the housework! lol)

I'm REALLY upset about the Meth.otrex.ate. This is the last thing that I wanted. My hope was that I could go on a more ttc friendly anti-inflammatory so I could still keep taking the Clomid. I'm upset about having to go back on BCP. I hate BCP!! But more than that, I'm upset that my ttc is now officially over. Well, I guess I do still have one glimmer of hope in that area. I'm not going back on the Meth.otrex.ate until this cycle is over, so I guess technically I do still have one last chance at getting pregnant. But once this cycle is over I have to call Dr. K and tell him I have to go back on the BCP because I'll have to be on the BCP for a few weeks prior to taking the Meth.otrex.ate to make sure I'm covered. (Like this PCOS'er needs BCP. I don't O on my own anyway. But it saves their butt from lawsuits I guess.)

There are 3 good things that will come out of all this. (I'm trying to find the silver lining, but it ain't easy folks.)
1. The what-ifs and the unknowns are now put to rest. I have a plan now. It's certainly not a plan that I like, but it's a plan nonetheless. (I had to look that up and find out if it was all one word or three words. lol)
2. I get to have lasik sooner rather than later.
3. I will start to feel better soon.

But no matter how much "good" comes out of all this, my heart is still broken because I might never have J's child.

Neverending Flare

So I'm heading in my third month of my arthritis flare. I'm 50% better than I was when I wrote this, but I'm not back to normal just yet. I'm still having trouble with my hands, though not to the extent that I was before. But it's still very hard to do anything repetative with my hands because within hours they puff up like balloons. I'm also having trouble sleeping because of hip and shoulder pain. I'm a side sleeper, but when my left hip and my right shoulder hurt, I have no side to sleep on. So I've had to learn to sleep on my back. I do fine for a while, but I innately turn to one side or the other during the night only to be awakened with sharp pains shooting through my leg or my shoulder. UGH!!! So I roll back onto my back. (If I do ever get another BFP this could pose a problem.) And in the mornings when I wake up I'm stiff for about 20 minutes. It makes it hard to do anything, and all I want to do is just lay there all day without moving a muscle, but moving is the best way to work through the stiffness.

I had another Rem.icade infusion today, but like last time I'm just not feeling as good as I normally do following the infusion. Normally I can see and feel results within hours of receiving treatment.

I have another appointment with my new rheumatologist, Dr. C, tomorrow. I'm planning to ask her about an anti-inflammatory. Hopefully I can get through this cycle before having to take it. If there's no BFP then I'll start taking it to see if it can get me through the flare. I'm hoping that it can get me under control and living in a manageable amount of pain so we can reassess our options. I'm still going to ask for adoption packets in January, but I'm hoping to be able to continue taking the clomid while we doing all the research and getting the balls rolling.

If you're the praying type, please pray that this flare ends soon. While my prayers have been answered in that I'm not struggling 24 hours a day, I'm still in a great deal of pain. I just want the pain to get to a manageable level so I can feel like myself again. Thanks!!!

SHOOT ME NOW!!!!!!

Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant...AT 16!!!!! And she's keeping the baby and raising it in my home state (Kentwood, LA to be exact) because she wants her baby to have a more normal life. I hate to tell her but wasn't she raised in Kentwood? Being raised in her family makes that baby sooooo not normal no matter where it's being raised. They're all "adnormal" to put it nicely.

I'm thinking they could have made a butt-load off of infertiles by donating their high-quality eggs or even by being surrogates if they didn't want their eggs discarded each month. But now they're just adding more dysfunction to their family! SICK!!!!

Girls, I hope you've learned your lesson...you were supposed to start ttc at 16!!! It's too late for us, but it's not too late for all those teenagers out there. We CAN put an end to infertility!!!!! Spread the word...It's just a matter of how early you start!!!!!

It seems that I'm getting pretty bad at blogging. I apologize. It's just that I don't have much to say these days. I'll update you on a few things though, but all are pretty insignificant.

1) J's Christmas party at work: It was Friday, and I really was dreading going. See, last year we made the monumental mistake of telling a few people that we were pregnant. So essentially they were probably expecting me to be walking in with a 4 month old this year. But, that didn't happen. So, for the third year in a row, I walked in alone. Well actually J had to escort me in because of security reasons, but whatever. The party pretty much sucked. There were kids everywhere. And cute ones to boot. J was walking me out and he gets called into a coworkers office to be introduced to his family (more like a gaggle...4 kids--7, 5, 3, 1, and another on the way). Afterwards I joked with J that we might need to approach them with a proposal to pay for a few of his wives eggs since hers seem to be working so well. We had a good laugh.

2) Christmas performance: It went well. I didn't break down and cry when I was singing...thank God. Everyone raved about how well we (our music minister, C, and I) did. They said the song made the performance. **blushing** We sang it again last night at our second performance, and because of the response of many of the concert goers, we're singing it again at the annual Pilgrimage this coming Sunday. The Pilgrimage is pretty cool. Members of several downtown BR churches walk from church to church listening to a few selections from each churches Christmas performance. We start at Mt. Zion Baptist church, then walk to First Methodist Church, First Presbyterian Church, St. Joseph Cathedral, and then we end at our church, First Baptist Church. The churches are usually packed. **ACK**

3) I had forgotten that a blogging friend Beth had sent me some Femara that she had left over, so for grins and giggles, J and I are going to give it one last go. But no IUI's, no OPK's, no stress. I will temp, but that's all!!! (How many of you had bets that we really weren't done? Come on...you can tell me!! lol)

4) Please say a prayer for J. He's having some issues again with his prostate. Nothing too serious, and nothing a month of Flomax can't take care of, but this is a recurring problem for him. (He would die if he knew I was writing this!!) He's being a bit stubborn, and won't go to the doctor until next year because we've used up all our medical pre tax money for this year. It's $20 for pete's sake, but he wants to wait. I really wish he wouldn't, but I can't talk him into making an appointment, and the longer he waits the less likely it is that he'll even be able to get in before Christmas. Men...why are they so stubborn about doctor's appointments???

Well, I think that's all with me. I am trying really hard to not think about the fact that we should have a 4 month old filling up our lives right now. Christmas really would have been different this year.

CD1

Enough said about that.

Exactly 2 years ago today I was CD 1, but so excited because we were starting our journey to have a baby. Ironic? I think not. I think it's God's way of saying, "You're not gonna have a child of your own! Stop trying to force it to happen!" So I guess it's a good thing we're stopping. It couldn't be a more perfect time, huh?
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I called this morning to let Dr. K's nurse know I was CD1, and Dr. K called back while I was at J's Christmas party at work. I didn't have my phone on me (STUPID), so he left a message. He was so sweet, very apologetic...it made me cry. I decided to go in for the "I'm not pregnant" appt to talk about options. I don't think I have many, but I want to hear that from him. Plus, I need a pap. I haven't had one in over 2 years. (Shame on me!)

Another ironic happening...I have to sing "The Prayer" tonight for our Christmas performance at church. (It's not really a Christmas song, but that's what our director wanted me to sing with him.) If you haven't ever heard it, you'll cry. It talks about God being our guide, taking care of us when things go wrong, watching over us, etc...I started bawling when I was practing earlier. I've NEVER cried before, but now that our future is so up in the air, and my heart is broken about not having a baby of our own, I know I'm going to cry tonight.
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Dr. K just called back. He asked me how I was doing, and my reply was, "Shitty." (Sorry for the language, but in all honesty that's how I'm feeling right now.)

He told me he was so hoping we wouldn't have to have this conversation, and that he really was sorry. I believe him. I think he's pretty darn invested in this thing. He asked me what we wanted to do, and I told him we had talked in great length about it, and we were ready to quit. I told him that this has really changed mine and J's relationship, and it just wasn't worth the stress, heartache, etc... I told him that our insurance only paid for diagnostics, and we just weren't going to depleat our savings on injectables or IVF. If we're going to depeat our savings it was going to be on an adoption. He said he understood, but that he hated to see me quit because I had had success. I told him the only concern I had with quitting was that I would regret a couple years down the road. So he said, "There's nothing wrong with going back to just clomid with no iui's, no opk's. You know your body, and you have this down." He told me I could take the clomid as long as I wanted to. He suggested that J and I talk about it, and possibly give it more time with clomid, no opk's, no iui's, just going into this with the mindset of "if it works...wonderful, if it doesn't...that's okay." But I don't know that I can do that after being so invested emotionally. He told me not to make any decisions today, for us to talk about it over the holidays and when I come in for my annual in January we could discuss it further with him.

A part of me wants to keep trying, like he said, with just the clomid and none of the other crap. I DO know my body, and I DO have this down. I don't think I need all the charting and opk's. I just don't know that I can truly let go, and to go about it that way I'm going to have to let go. I want this too bad. We're still moving forward with adoption plans. In January I'm going to start requesting packets from adoption agencies, and in the spring I'm making my appt for lasik (to spend all the medical pre-tax money we set aside for fertility treatments). And hopefully once we get all wrapped up in the adoption stuff I can let go a little bit and we can go the clomid-only route.

Dr. Phil had a show about women desperate to be a mother, and there was a woman with PCOS who had tried to get pregnant, but had no other option than to move on to injectables. Her husband was dead set in not going into debt over something that wasn't guaranteed. He wanted to invest in a house for the two of them. And Dr. Phil told him, "You don't want to do this because it's an investment without a guarantee, and I understand that. But you have to invest in your relationship, and if this is what your wife wants to do, and nothing else will make her happy, then isn't that an investment?"

I agree with that statement, but in talking with J about that show I came to the realization that I wanted to invest in our relationship by NOT going to an RE. Our relationship is too important to keep putting the stress and strain of ttc on it. I have to find a way to be happy some other way. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, but this is what's right for us. J is the most important person in my life, and if I keep going the way that I am, there won't be much left of our relationship. If we were to keep going and something were to happen and I were lose him over this, I would never be able to forgive myself. Infertility tears families apart all the time, and that's something I'm not willing to chance. If I can go back to that "if it happens...great, if not...that's okay" mentality like I had in the beginning then maybe we can do this again. But for now I have to follow my gut and hang this up.

Updates

On the party...

It went fine. Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts ladies!!! I didn't have to answer the dreaded "When are y'all gonna have kids?" question. THANK GOD!!! There was, of course, talk of pregnancies, but I left the room and found other people to talk to when it got to be too much. I did get annoyed once when one of the preggies talked about how she hated not being able to sleep at night. Now, she wasn't really complaining per se, but it really struck a nerve with me. I wanted to say, "Well this is your third child. It's not like you didn't know that sleeping would be difficult at times. If it bothered you so much then why get pregnant again?" But I didn't. I just smiled, but inside I was rolling my eyes. It just urks me when preggies gripe about their symptoms as if they're horrible burdens. Yes, I know they're annoying. Shoot, who wants to be constipated, nauseated, fatigued, etc... But it's TEMPORARY!!! I would give both my legs to know what that feels like!!!


On cycle stuff...

Not feeling pregnant, just miserable from the Met. As much as I'd like for this nausea, heartburn and fatigue to be pregnancy related I know it's not. My temps tanked this morning so I know AF is on her way. Which in all honesty, I'm okay with. I didn't have a good feeling about this cycle anyway. But, here's my dilema...(there always is one with me, huh?)...I don't know whether to go in for my monthly "I'm not pregnant" appt (just not for the clomid) and talk to Dr. K about what to do next. I can't stress enough how much I REALLY don't want to go back on BCP. I want to give the Met a little more time to normalize my cycle. Or should I just do things on my own, not call to let Dr. K know I'm CD1 (whenever that occurs), not go on BCP, let the Met do it's thing (if it's going to) and then see what happens? I'm more than likely going to have to go back on anti-inflammatories, but I'd like to not prevent, but not whole heartedly try. KWIM?

1 Week Down

And 1 to go. I'm not really analyzing my chart. I know better. Just putting in my temps and logging off. I haven't even been on the FF and LP boards much. I just don't feel like chatting with people who want to know about my symptoms and who look at my chart and get all excited with a temp jump or dip. Nope. This cycle I'm taking it easy and rolling with the punches. I don't want to get all excited for nothing. Isn't it sad what this journey does over time?

Please say a prayer for me tonight (if you're the praying type). I'm invited to MW's (my fertile myrtle friend) house for a Pamp.ered Ch.ef (PC) party, and 3 of the ladies who will be there are pregnant. I'm SOOO not looking forward to this, but I don't want to hurt MW's feelings by not going, and honestly, I REALLY like PC stuff, and there are things that I really want to buy. So I'm going. I'm going to suck it up and go. Please Lord...don't let there be too much pregnancy happiness!!!! I know I'm almost through the tww, and there's a possiblility that I am pregnant right now, but I'm in that "I have no idea, but I don't really think I am" stage so I really don't want to hear about all their pregnancies. Maybe I should show up late just in time for the demonstration and ordering. Hmmmm, that's an idea.

"I Will Be a Wonderful Mother"

I saw this on FF, and wanted to post it. It speaks volumes about how I feel, and I'm sure how many of you feel as well.

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~ Author Unknown ~

More Than I Can Handle

In the last 3 days I've heard about 3 different people who have gotten pregnant. While I'm happy for them I'm really sad for myself. Two of the girls are just aquaintances, but they've both had more than one miscarriage, so for them I'm really excited. But the third already has 2 kids. I'm happy for her, too, because she's a very dear friend. But WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN??????? I'm so tired of being lapped!! I would never wish this IF crap on ANYONE. I just want my turn too!!!!!!

Gosh, I sound so bitter, but how can I not be when I'm coming up on 2 years of ttc???

*Invision me SCREAMING and running around like a mad woman*

On top of all the confusion with my cycle, J has been ragging me about the fact that we're having to keep having sex until my temp shifts. In a sense he's making me feel like crap because my body isn't doing what it's supposed to do. Like I have ANY control over this! I just wanted to say, "Yes Dear, I'm holding my egg hostage until I've gotten all the sex I can handle for one lifetime." But honestly, I was too mad to say it because I didn't want to make him laugh. I wanted him to know just how mad I was at him. So after him fussing about my wacky cycle last night (basically there were 2 football games on that he wanted to watch, and he was inconvenienced by having to have sex) we still needed to have sex...he couldn't finish. Typical! That's the whole reason I decided at the last minute to do the IUI. I didn't want to fight about having to have sex several nights in a row. I didn't want to stress about this, and the only way to keep the stress level down was to have an IUI done. But when the IUI was too early the only shot we had at this working was to have sex like normal people. God forbid he have to do it a couple more times. He acted like it was going to kill him! I didn't realize sex with me was so bad for him. If I'd known how bad it was I would have quit this game a LONG time ago. I'm just so angry with him. I'm angry because I have been poked, prodded, cut on, I've taken several rounds of Clomid, now I'm taking the Met which has been VERY hard to handle, I've quit taking my arthritis meds and paid dearly for it lately, and ALL I've asked him to do was have sex a few extra times a month or go in a cup. That's it!!! And that's been too much for him to handle apparently. Last night I actually thought about leaving him. And quite honestly, I'm STILL having those thoughts. I couldn't even sleep in the same bed with him last night. I moved to the couch when he finally came to bed (once the games were over). I'm so glad he's going to be in Houston all next week. I need a break from him.

Oh, and by the way, I did have a temp shift this morning, but I have no idea if it's legit or not. J came to wake me up at 6:00 so we could get to church by 8:00, but I was too tired to go. Of course, despite the fact that I could feel the bags under my eyes without touching them, I couldn't go back to sleep. So I laid there for an hour just staring at the ceiling reliving the drama from last night. There's no telling if that temp shift is real or not. For all I know my temp shot up from all the fuming I did this morning. But you know what? I'm not about to ask J to have sex again today. I'm done! Screw this!!!

WTHeck?

No temp rise this morning!!! OMG!!! We just wasted $400 on an ill timed IUI. I'm so freakin' frustrated, confused, etc... Guess we'll keep on BD'ing until my temp decides to do something. This cycle has been so weird. I've never O'd this late, but I did start Met this cycle so I guess anything new can throw off a cycle. I never felt sharp O pains, but last night I felt a few little somethings, so I was so sure I was O'ing last night. I never got a true + opk. But then again, I was using some pretty cheap tests so I just went with the one that corresponded with my CP and CM. Now I'm just pissed!!! Help!!! For you charting experts...click on the my charting ticker and tell me what you think!!!!

UGH I HATE THIS!!!!!!

IUI #3 Done

Here's the run down...

Pre Wash:
193.3 million (Woo Hoo!!)
41.4% motile (not great, but not terrible)
160.1 million motile
3.5 grade

Post Wash and Post Gradiant Separation:
80 million
4.0 grade
I forgot to write down the % motile (Oops!)

This time J had enough swimmers to do the gradiant separation which we've never had done before because his numbers weren't high enough. So that's a HUGE plus!!!

The IUI itself was far less painful than it's been in the past. Only a speculum this time. He didn't have to use the tenaculum to manipulate my cervix!! YEA!!!

Dr. K put his hands together like he was praying after he was finished and said, "Please let this be the one. Please let this be the one." Then he said, "Sorry to be so unprofessional, but we need some divine intervention here."

So I said, "If you only knew how many times I'd prayed for this to work..."

He laughed and said, "I know, I know."


He said we needed a plan, and told me that if this one doesn't work that he's sending me to the RE because he thinks I need injectables. I told him about my arthritis flare up and told him that we were calling it quits if this one doesn't work. He told me he felt like I should take the anti-inflammatories to get me through the flare up and then try again with the RE when I was feeling better. And, if my arthritis does get back under control then that's probably what we'll do, but we aren't going to do injectables because it's just too costly. So at this point it's just a waiting game. And there are so many variables that will affect our decision...

*If the IUI doesn't work, do I have to go back on birth control?

*If the Metformin does it's job and I start ovulating on my own, can we still ttc if I'm taking anti-inflammatories?

*If my hormone levels get back to where they're supposed to be and my flare up subsides, how far will we go with the RE? I mean, everyone has to have a stopping point, right?

But I guess for now, we wait and see.

From what I've read, progesterone levels help with arthritis pain, so I'm praying that my progesterone levels are high enough now that I'm back on the Clomid to get me feeling better in the next couple of weeks. And if that happens then we'll keep going. If not, then we're quitting. Maybe not permanently, but we're moving on to adoption for the time being. We may pick it up again somewhere down the road, and honestly I hope we can because I'm so anxious to get a child in this home. But as long as I'm feeling the way I am I think it's best to just move on to adoption if this IUI doesn't work.

+...I think

I don't know if I got a + OPK this morning or not (I stupidly bought a different brand than I normally use), but according to all my other signs I'm about to O. IUI #3 is scheduled for tomorrow morning. Wish us luck!!!

Where, Oh Where...

...is my + OPK??? Here it is CD17, and I have yet to get a + OPK. FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!

I'm beginning to change my mind about the IUI. I'll spare you the details, but I'm already tired of trying to figure out when and when not to BD. That stress alone is enough to drive me batty. Since this is our last cycle ttc I want to give it everything we've got. So the perfectionist in me feels a great deal of urgency, and when I'm feeling like that it tends to stress J out. And when he gets stressed, well...I won't go there, but I'm sure y'all know what I mean.

So, I guess it'll be a last minute decision. When/if I ever get the + OPK I'll make the decision whether or not to do the IUI.

Decision Time

J and I came to a VERY difficult decision Monday night that this is going to be our last cycle ttc. I'm just in too much pain from my arthritis, and I'm going to have to go back on the anti-inflammatory before I have some permanent damage to my joints. I really don't want to give up, but it's just not worth risking further damage to my joints to keep going. I'm hoping that the Met will straighten out my cycles to make me start o'ing again, and if that happens then we may try again once I get my arthritis under control, but for now...this is it!!! And hopefully the Met will help me get some weight off too so that's always a plus for an arthritic!!

The other decision we had to make was whether or not to do the IUI this cycle. And after talking to J about it, we decided we were 0-2 with the IUI, but we've at least had 2 successes with BD'ing, so we're starting the BD'ing thing this week.

Don't worry...I'm not going anywhere. I'm still gonna be blogging away and reading up on all you ladies!! So no good-byes from me just yet!!! ;o)

Ultimately we're hoping that we'll get a BFP in a couple weeks so we won't have to throw in the towel, but the realist in me is preparing for the road to adoption!

Medical Care Decisions

Arthritis Care...

Recently I've had to make a few decisions about my medical care. The first being with my rheumatologist. I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis when I was 17, and since then I've seen several doctors that have helped control the pain. When we moved here to BR I had to find another rheumatologist, and that task was pretty much tainted by the wonderful doc I had in Houston, Dr. W. It was very hard to leave him because he "got" me. He had a very cynical personality, but great bedside manner. We got along great, and I trusted him completely. And he knew me very well. I'm not a complainer when it comes to my arthritis pain. Over the years I've learned to live with the pain associated with arthritis. I was able to find a level of pain that I was able to live with on a daily basis because I knew that there would never be a completely pain-free day. And when I had a flare-up I would call Dr. W and tell him, and without making me come in, he would prescribe meds to get me over the hump and back to "my normal".

When I found out we were moving I researched rheumatologists here in BR, and found out about a doctor, Dr. M, that was very knowledgeable, but most people said he didn't have much bedside manner. And I found that to be completely true at my first appointment 2.5 years ago. But, according to everything I had read, I was seeing the best doctor in BR. So I decided I would just stick with him because for what he lacked in bedside manner, he made up for in his knowledge of rheumatology.

Since my LAP a month ago I have been in the middle of a HORRIBLE flare-up, and so when it first started I did what I had always done and called Dr. M's office and told them the situation. The nurse just kind of sat there, and so I asked, "Is there anything that Dr. M can prescribe to get me through the flare, like a Med.rol dose pack (what Dr. W had always prescribed for me)? She said, "Well, let me talk to Dr. M and I'll get back with you." By the next day I was miserable, and I hadn't heard back from her so I called my pharmacy, and sure enough, he had called it in, but the nurse failed to call me back to let me know. So basically I went though an extra day of pain thanks to her. Can't fault Dr. M for that, but I was livid with his unfriendly nurse.

A week later I called back because the dose pack hadn't given me any relief, and Unfriendly Nurse told me to make an appointment to see Dr. M. I went in that day, and was furious when I left because I had been completely dismissed. He told me I had carpel tunnel syndrome (CTS) and there was nothing I could do but wear a brace and take pain pills at night to get me through the night. Now, I'm no doctor, but I KNOW arthritis pain, and what I was feeling was 100% arthritis pain. What I couldn't believe was that I was hurting ALL OVER, as in EVERY joint in my body ached, and he had the nerve to tell me it was CTS. I left with the Rx for Lo.rtab, but I was furious!!!

Another week later I was still in LOTS Of pain and taking WAY more Al.eve than I was supposed to take, so I called back to ask if Dr. M would move up my Rem.icade infusion. Get this...She said, "He'll let you move it up one week, but you can't go in this week." WTHeck???? I had to go through ANOTHER week of pain before I could have my infusion!!! I was fuming, but honestly, there wasn't anything I could do at that point. So I continued taking more Al.eve than I should have been just to get me through the day, and I was taking the pain pills just to sleep. I somehow, by the grace of God, made it to my new Rem.icade appointment, and when the nurse in the infusion lab asked me what my pain scale was I told her a 9 out of 10. She was floored!! I had NEVER in 2.5 years EVER felt this bad! She asked me if I had told Dr. M, and I started to cry. I told her the story, and she said, "Girl, you gotta get you another doctor."

Sadly, the Rem.icade infusion didn't help either so SOMETHING was going on. So I called Dr. M back to tell him, and he had me come in again. That was a COMPLETE waste of time! He did give me an anti-inflammatory and another pain pill RX this time, but I still felt like he wasn't hearing me, and he didn't believe me when I told him how much pain I was in. Dr. W would have ordered all kinds of labs and x-rays to view my joints, but Dr. M did NOTHING of the sort! When I left I decided I had given him enough chances to help me, and it was time to see someone else.

Yesterday I met with Dr. C (another doctor in the BR Clinic), and told her everything that had happened with Dr. M. After talking with me and examing me for almost 30 minutes she said she wanted to keep my meds where they were at this point, BUT she ordered labs and x-rays of my joints. FINALLY!!! So when my labs and x-rays come back she said she would call and we would discuss what to do to get me out of this horrible nightmare.

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Infertility care...

I called the doctor's office that I am being referred to in January, and asked them what their prices were for office visits, IUI's, u/s, blood work, etc...I told her that the doctor would be added to my insurance once the Network Adequacy Hardship had gone through, and she said, "Well, once you come here, your insurance will quit paying anything because you are now diagnosed with a problem." Huh??? Then what good is having an RE on your insurance??? She said I would pay them $150-220 at the first visit, and then they would submit it to my insurance company and if they paid anything they would give me credit for future services or send me a refund.

I don't know that I want to go through the hassle of getting the hardship if in the end nothing will be covered. So I think we've just about come to the decision that we'll just give the Clomid/Met 6 months with my OB, and if nothing happens then we'll throw in the towel. At that point we will have been ttc for 2.5 years. I think that's plenty long enough for this gal to make the decision to give up and move on.

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Accu Care...

The last appointment I had with my accupuncturist (for arthritis care, not infertility) was the day before we left for Jamaica. When he asked me when I could come back in the next week I told him we were going to be in Jamaica the following week so I would have to come back in the week we get back in town.

I go through the appointment, and after making my next appointment Mr. C was trying to get me to buy $100 worth of herbs and a $50 tube of cream to rub on my joints. While I'm sure they work fine, I told him that we just couldn't afford to spend $150 for 2 sessions a week, plus another $150 for herbs and cream. To which his reply was, "You can take a trip to Jamaica and you can't afford this? I'm just trying to help you here." I was floored!!!! Did I really just hear that? I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. Needless to say I WILL NOT be going back for my appointment this afternoon.

I Lost 2 Pounds...

...while on vacation!!! Woo Hoo!!!!! The Met seems to be helping!!! I have to admit I was eating LOTS of fruits and veggies and baked fish while we were gone. But the funny thing is, I had dessert with every meal (except breakfast), and I was drinking several alcoholic drinks a day. Wonder how I would have done if I hadn't fudged with the desserts and the drinks.

The true test will be how I do on Thursday. I LOVE Thanksgiving food!!!!!

Home Sweet Home!!!

We're Back!!!! Jamaica was AWESOME!!!!! Well, it was after it quit raining anyway. It rained all day long for the first 3 days that we were there, and with each day of rain I sank more and more into a state of depression. Here we had spent all this money to go to Jamaica only to be holed up in our room because of rain. (For those of you who want to travel to Jamaica, keep in mind that Oct-Dec is their rainy season. Something our travel agent failed to mention to us!) But, thankfully by Wednesday the rain had blown over and left LOTS of sunshine.

AF did arrive on Monday and was gone by our anniversary on Friday. Thank the Lord!!!

Here's a short montage of our vacation!!! Enjoy!!! (Please ignore the cow in the black swimsuit...)

Our snorkeling picks won't be back for a few days...gotta love the 35mm under water cameras!! ;o) I knew I should have bought the water proof case for our digital when I had the chance!!

BYE!!!!!!

Well girls, I'm off to Jamaica in the morning. Unfortunately it looks like AF will be coming along for the trip! I haven't started yet, but since we were on pelvic rest I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm not preggers. So, I know she'll eventually be here to ruin my trip! BAH!!!! But I'm bound and determined to still have some fun. However I'm gonna be so pissed if she's here ON our anniversary on Friday. That would just totally send me over the edge. Here's praying she's come and gone before Friday!!!

First Day on Met

I think I've tollerated the Met pretty well, though I'm only taking 500mg at this point. I have been a little nauseated this evening, but nothing too bad. I've been more tired than usual. I'm not sure if it's from the Met or if I'm just so tired of being in pain that my body is calling for more sleep. I have another accupuncture session tomorrow. I know that only 2 sessions won't take all my pain away, but I'm hoping for a little relief, if nothing else.

Only 2 more sleeps 'til Jamaica! I'm so freakin' excited!!! I wish I could take you all with me! ;o)

Test Results are in!!!!

Honestly, only someone who is suffering from IF would be jumping for joy at these results...

Glucose levels: normal
Insulin levels: slightly elevated

Verdict: Starting Met immediately 4x per day!!!!!!! I'll work my way up to 4x per day over the next 4 weeks, but 2000mg is where I'll ultimately be.

WOO HOO!!!!! I'm so freaking excited!!!!!! Thank you Lord!!!!!!

Arthritis Pain

For the last month I've been enduring LOTS of arthritis pain, and nothing seems to be working. I've been to see my rheumatoligist 2 times and called his office 3 times in the last month. I went in for another Remi.cade treatment (didn't work), I took a Med.rol dose pack (didn't work), I got a cor.tiso.ne shot (didn't work)...in fact it's getting worse! I'm desperate here because we're leaving in 4 days on the best vacation of our lives, and I'm miserable!

So I made an appointment with an accupuncturist today. I'm hoping that with todays visit (and hopefully a couple more before we leave) that the pain can be managed. I just don't want to be miserable on our trip. We need this vacation so badly. We need to go and not have a care in the world. Please God, let this work!!!!!!!

Relaxation

***DISCLAIMER*** This post is riddled with sarcasm. If that will offend you, please pass on today's post!!!

Relaxation is the key to Pregnancy. Yes, that's what I saw on Good Morning America this morning. Go ahead and read for yourself. The doctor that they interviewed, Dr. Sarah Berga, of Emory University School of Medicine, said that chronic stress causes the hypothalamus to send the wrong message to the ovaries, which causes them to stop ovulating. Now, while I'm sure their findings are probably legit, it still causes ANYONE going through the horrors of IF to cringe when they hear they just need to relax.

So do you think that infertility is a cause of chronic stress? In my case (and I'm sure in most of our cases) I would have to say ABSOLUTELY!!!! I live a pretty stress-less life right now. My job is pretty mundane, we don't worry about money so I'm basically only working to pay for infertility treatments, we love where we live, we have great friends and a wonderful family, etc... So for me, the fact that I don't have kids in a world where all of my friends have one (or more) is the only thing that stresses me out. So do you think it's safe for me to assume based on their findings that my infertility is my source of my infertility???

Their solution...
1. de-stress - find things to do that will get rid of the stress in your life such as reading, playing the piano, yoga, etc...
2. eat more - huh? I've been told I need to lose weight? So now they're telling me to eat more? Got it!
3. talk it out - it was proven that those who sought out talk therapy got pregnant as opposed to those who didn't seek out talk therapy.

So to destress I've decided to get rid of my infertility. Yes folks, you read that correctly. Since that is my only source of stress these days it seems to reason that I need to get rid of it. If any of you have any suggestions on how to do that, please let me know. Or, maybe the therapist that I will be going to can help me with that. I need to just let it go. I also plan to eat more. It doesn't matter that I'm in the process of seeing a dietician to help me lose weight, but I will start eating more.

I'm so glad this doctor helped me work through this! What a relief!!!!!! Now I'm sure I'll be pregnant within 4 months without medical intervention like the person this story was based on. She quit her job, she quit running in marathons, she gained weight, and BOOM she was pregnant naturally despite going through 3 failed IVF cycles before relaxing!!!

Woo Hoo Ladies...get ready to throw me a baby shower! Baby Haik is on the way!!!!!!

In Honor of National Infertility Awareness Week...

Nothing too original here. I'm of the midset that sometimes it's just easier to be quick and to the point.

November 4-10 is NIAW...I've copied the week's events from the Resolve website.

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Sunday, November 4: Attend a Local Event/Find a Support Group

Monday, November 5: Shop 'till you drop with RESOLVE’s shopping partners

Tuesday, November 6: Virtual Advocacy Day

Wednesday, November 7: Give to RESOLVE

Thursday, November 8: Sign our Pledge of Resolution

Friday, November 9: Ask your employer for coverage—new section possibly

Saturday, November 10: Spread the Word—tell a friend
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And for those of you who have a friend or loved one who suffers with infertility, I highly recommend reading the following blog entries.

How to Be Friends with an Infertile by Tertia Nee


Being a Good Friend to Someone Struggling with Infertility by Jen Jobart

Goodness Gracious

I went in for my Glucose/Insulin test today. After 2 hours and 4 sticks I'm finally through. Now, I wait for the results. I'm praying that I am IR so that I can start the Met!!

After my test this morning I spent about 2 hours trying to track down the RE that is on our insurance. After countless phone numbers and dead ends I finally got ahold of someone who had actually heard of her. They said that she moved to Tennesse in December of 2006 and gave me the number to the clinic where she used to work. I had to leave a message, so I'm waiting for a call-back. But in the meantime I called my insurance company back to tell them that the only RE in my area who was on our plan is no longer in the area. I figured they would tell me, "Tough Luck". But they said that Dr. K could call them and ask for a "Network Adequacy Hardship" because Dr. Richard-Davis is no longer in the area, and they would allow me to see whomever he recommended. So that means...I don't have to drive to New Orleans for all my RE appointments!!!!! Dr. K had already suggested an RE that's next door to him, so I'm sure that's who he will recommend. WOO HOO!!!! Answered Prayers!!!!
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I just got a call back from the clinic where Dr. Richard-Davis used to be, and they said that Dr. Ronald Clisam took her place. When she asked me if I wanted to make an appointment I told her that I wanted to talk to my insurance company first to let them know the situation. Then she asked what insurance I had. I told her Cig.na, and she said, "Yes, we're contracted with Cig.na." CRAP!!!! So now I have a dilema...do I go ahead with the "Network Adequacy Hardship" as if I don't know about Dr. Clisam because I really don't want to drive to NOLA, or do I call my insurance company and let them know about him???

I'm on Cloud 9!!!

My post-op appointment went well today. When Dr. K walked into the room he asked me if I was mad at him when I woke up from my surgery. I said, "Honestly, I was a little mad, but not at you. Part of me wanted something to be wrong so I would have a reason why I wasn't getting pregnant again. But the other part of me was relieved." He said he understood, and it was natural to have those mixed emotions. He said he was glad he didn't find anything wrong because while the things that could have been wrong can be fixed, they often come back. So he said, "In this instance I didn't want to find anything wrong with you."

He showed me all the pictures from my lap (very cool...did you know your ovaries are white??). He told me everything looked beautiful in there. He said the only things that weren't quite right were my ovaries...classic PCOS, which he was expecting.

I have a good friend that's a dietician who works with diebetes patients, and she asked me a while back if Dr. K had me on glucophage (a.k.a. metformin, or met, for short). I told her no, but that I had asked for it, and Dr. K said he didn't want to go that route just yet because I had responded so well to the Clomid. Well I kind of fibbed today and told Dr. K that I was seeing a dietician to lose some weight, and she wanted me to ask him if he would consider putting me on glucophage. (I used the brand name this time to make it sound more official, but I was fully expecting to hear the same reasoning that I heard before.) But here's where he totally floored me...He said, "We can do another glucose test, and if you're even the slightest bit IR (insuline resistant) then I'll put you on it." Hmmmm, why didn't he do that 6 months ago when I first asked for the met??? It's really a moot point now, but I'm just so thrilled that he's going to at least move in that direction. I think it had to do with the whole "the dietician wanted me to ask" thing. I told him that I had been so good about cutting out all things white, all things sugary, I was working out regularly, watching my caloric and fat intake, etc...and the weight just wasn't coming off. I told him that I do lose a little weight (4-6 pounds), but then it just stops. It doesn't matter what I do, I just can't get the darn weight off. And he said, "Well based on what you're telling me it sounds like you do have some IR, so let's do the glucose test and then go from there." (Can you hear the angels singing???)

He asked me if I was ready to give it another go, and I told him I was going to be mad if he wasn't going to let me ttc this cycle. He said he didn't want me to take Clomid without the Met (if I needed it) until I had done the glucose test, so I'm going in on Friday to do the test, and hopefully he'll have the results before AF arrives (if she decides to pay me a visit). That way I can start the Met and Clomid next month!!

So then I told him that in the off chance that AF did pay me a visit it was going to be right in the middle of our anniversary trip to Jamaica. He said, "Oh, that's not good. I'll give you an Rx for Provera to try and induce AF before you leave because I want you having a good time on that trip. You need a good, relaxing vacation." He said it might not work, but it's worth trying so I'm not spending our anniversary trip crabby and uncomfortable.

I'm not going to let myself have even the slightest glimmer of hope that I am IR because we all know that getting my hopes up will only lead to heartbreak. So I'd rather be realistic and think that the universe couldn't possibly be so kind. That way I'm completely shocked if things happen to go my way.

Infertility Charm

A few weekend's ago my mom came to visit, and she bought me this charm...

It's called "Infertility, The Unopened Gift". And it came with a card that read,

Lord God, What will you give me, seeing I go childless?
Genesis 15:2

God gives to each many gifts. Some have been opened, while others remain unopened. Either way, God will provide the gift or gifts He has designed and created for you. He will give you the desire of your heart or remove the desire. Waiting is hard, but remember, God's timing is perfect.

Hear my prayer, O Lord God almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Look upon our shield O God; look with favor on your annoited one.
Psalm 84: 8-9

This tiny little gift box is a symbol that God has a special gift for you. You may not know what it is yet, but one day you will praise the Lord for the 'gift' from above.

When I read the card that came with the charm I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. I want to open this gift, but for some reason God's timing hasn't allowed me to do so. I feel like a child before Christmas staring longingly at all the gifts under the tree. I have this desire to grab the gift and open it, but I know that I can't because it's not time. It's so hard to be patient, and I don't like it at all, but in the end I know this isn't my journey to write. I just have to patiently wait for God to hand me the gift on the perfect day that He has planned and give me permission to open it. Much like we all do on Christmas morning.

I do believe that God will give me the desire of my heart to become a mom. I just don't know how. Will he remove the desire to become a mother to J's child if it's not His will for that to happen? I certainly hope so because this longing that fills my soul is so strong. I hope that at that perfect time God will hand me the gift and have me open it, but if not, I know that God will take care of me and see me through the process of mourning my infertility before we move on to adoption. But in the meantime I pray every day that I can open this precious gift. And friends, I pray that for you as well!!! And for those of you who have already been given this precious gift to open, I celebrate with you!!

If you'd like to order this charm click here. They also have an adoption charm called "The Chosen Hand".

CONGRATULATIONS are in order!!!!

Please go by and give Farah a little love!!! She got her long-awaited BFP!!!

Can I PLEASE Get a Break???

Disclaimer: If you don't want to read about my GI tract issues you might want to skip today's entry.

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Now...diarrhea. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was constipated post surgery so I took a laxative, then I got a stomach bug (though now I'm questioning if it was a stomach bug at all) with diarrhea so I took Imod.ium, then I was constipated again so I took a laxative which results in yesterday's diarrhea. I had to take the Imod.ium last night just to get some relief so I'm fully expecting constipation again. Can a girl get a break for a while???

I went to Dr. Goo.gle yesterday, and found several sites that said constipation and diarrhea were common after effects of a lap. They said it had something to do with the fact that you were being poked on in the area of the bowels and it sometimes takes a few days to get back on track. But it's over a week later!!!! I'm ready to be feeling better!!!! So, I'm calling Dr. K (I'm going back to his original nickname since J doesn't like the Dr. Wonderful reference) to ask if this is common or if there's possibly something else going on.

I'll update later...I know y'all probably REALLY don't want to hear about my digestive system/ GI tract, so I certainly won't be offended if you don't check back for updates.

Update: Dr. K said to take Fibercon. So off I go to Wal.greens to buy MORE stuff to fix my tummy woes!! ;o)

So Uncomfortable

Disclaimer: If you don't want to read about my GI tract issues you might want to skip today's entry.

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I'm bloated and crampy...yes, folks, I'm constipated! Is this a side effect of the lap??? I took a laxative last night before going to bed...nada this morning. UGH!!!!

A funny thing about the laxatives though...I sent J to the store early Saturday morning for nausea meds, laxatives, and diarrhea meds because I just wasn't sure what I needed. I just knew I felt horrible. Turns out Saturday I needed the nausea and diarrhea meds. So I put the laxatives away for another time. Well, I needed them last night, so when I took them out of our medicine cabinet I looked at them, and they were chocolate bars! I was so shocked. I had never seen chocolate laxative bars. I had only seen them in pill form. So I talked to J about it, and he'd only seen them that way. He'd never seen them in pill form. We had a good laugh.

YAWN...

I really don't have much to say since I'm not really cycling this month. But I am so tired. I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I stayed home from work today, but the thing is...as tired as I am, I can't sleep!!!

But in more exciting news...

19 DAYS UNTIL I'M HERE...

...DOING THIS...

...AND DRINKING THESE...

...ahhhhh, sounds so wonderful!!!!!

Whew!!!

So I think the worst is over! But I gotta tell ya...a stomach virus is NEVER fun, but having it hit 2 days after having surgery is the WORST!!! Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!

GI Bug + Surgery Pain = A Miserable Weekend

Thursday I was feeling okay. Not great so I was still needing pain meds, but I was doing okay. Then yesterday morning I took a pain pill on an empty stomach. Not good. I quickly got something in my tummy, and I was better for a while, but the nausea persisted all day long. Then this morning at 1:00 AM I was in horrible pain. Not surgery pain, but that sick GI pain. It was a cross between nausea and diarrhea pain. I spent the whole night in the bathroom. But of course, and this is TMI here, I couldn't strain because of the stitches so I just had to sit. Then I'd start to get nauseated and I'd have to throw up. Then I'd get that icky gurggly stomach...it was an endless cycle. Oh my God, I was miserable. FINALLY at about 5:00 this morning I got to sleep (after sending J on a 3:30 Wal.green's run for Imodi.um AD and Eme.trol.) I'm still nauseated, but I've at least gotten some mashed potatoes down and kept it down. I just want to feel better...

Thinking of Changing the Name of My Blog...

...to "Reproductively Challenged"!! What do you think??? (Can you tell I'm hyped up on pain killers???)

Thanks for being so sweet to J for standing in for me. Funny thing was, he was hollering at me from the office to ask me if what he said was okay. Of course I was still half asleep, but found what he said to be perfect.

He's been such a great nurse. I'm so blessed!!!

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes! They mean the world to me!!!

I'm headed back to the couch. I just know J has set up a camera somewhere to watch my every move and make sure I don't do too much today. HA HA!!

TTYS!!

Lap Results

Bed-Rest Nazi (who is not amused by that name! :o) ) reporting for Janna:

I talked to "Dr. Wonderful" (not sure what I think about that name either!) after Janna's lap. He said everything was fine...no scarring, no endo, etc. The only abnormality was the PCOS, which we've known about for quite some time.

All good news, although I know Janna was hoping for a tell-tale sign that would explain why we aren't getting PG post D&C. I kinda agree, but I'm mostly just glad that she's okay and there aren't further complications. Whatever the desired outcome, it is definitely better to know than to worry and speculate.

Nothing against you all, but I hope I don't have to substitute blog any more. And if I do, I hope it's because Janna is on bed rest because she's PG.

Best of luck,
J

A Little Anxious

I had my pre-op appt. today, and I got to talk to Dr. Wonderful for a while. He said he doesn't expect to find anything major like endo or fibroids, so he thinks everything will go smoothly. But I'm hoping he'll at least find a little something so we'll know what's been keeping me from getting pregnant again.

We have to be at the hospital at 5AM...UGH!!! I'll have J log on to update y'all when we get home. He's the bed rest nazi so I know he won't let me update y'all myself. *picture me rolling my eyes*

TTYS!!!

Today is October 15th

To most people the 15th of October is just another day. But to someone who has lost a baby October 15th is a day set aside by the government as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

For those of you who have suffered through a pregnancy or infant loss I just wanted all of you to know that I am remembering you and your precious little ones today. I said a special prayer of comfort for you today.

And for those of you who have never had to experience the deepest form of loss there is, I pray that you never will. Please remember the women in your life who have lost their precious babies. If you want to know more about how you can remember your friends in a special way, visit http://www.october15th.com/.

AF is Coming! AF is Coming!

Woo Hoo!! I started spotting yesterday, and this morning I started cramping so she should be here soon!!! Now...onto the lap!!!!
Correction at 1:30 PM: Make that...AF is Here!!!! Yippee!!!

I Have the BEST Doctor in the WORLD!!!!

Woo Hoo...my surgery is Wednesday!!! As in Oct. 16th, Wednesday!!! The pre-op nurse called a little bit ago, and said that Dr. K (now known as Dr. Wonderful) called the hospital himself to schedule it, and then he moved some of his patients around so I could have the surgery next week!!!!! The nurse kept saying, "You need to tell Dr. Wonderful 'thank you, thank you, a million times thank you' for doing this. Most doctors wouldn't do this. And they certainly wouldn't do it themselves."

I'm just praising God for this because it's COMPLETELY His doing!!! I'm so freaking excited!!!! Now please pray that AF shows early next week...heck, I'll even take her visit this weekend!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHH

Well girls...I can't get in to have the lap until the last week of Nov. The OR's at the hospital are full until then. So unless my doctor can pull some strings I have to sit out this month, November, and December. I'm so pissed off!!! The pre-op nurse was going to talk to my doctor to see what he wanted to do. Hopefully (and I'm praying really hard) he'll find a way to get me in sooner. So much for increased fertility after an HSG.

HSG Results Part 2

I just got off the phone with Nurse C, and she said that Dr. K found some adhesions that needed to be removed, and he was suggesting having a laproscopy done. Nurse C said that Dr. K still wanted to talk to me, but he's on call and at the hospital right now. So he would try to call me back tonight or tomorrow to talk about it in more detail.

Now I'm freaked out! Any and all laproscopy experiences are needed!!!!!!!!!

Update...
I just talked with my doctor, and he thinks the reason I haven't gotten pregnant again is because of the scarring. He said he would have his pre-op nurse call me to get it scheduled. He wants to do it early in the cycle so he knows I'm not pregnant, but we're not going to be able to try that cycle. He said we would have to wait until the next cycle (if the lap wasn't too invasive.)

I'm a Working Woman Again

Since we moved here to BR I haven't used my education degree, but I did hold a job at a small family owned jewelry store for a few months helping them get all their inventory into the computer. But I quit working there because the owner's mother was driving me insane. So for the last year and a half I've been a SAHW. I do a couple of volunteer jobs once a week, and today one of those turned into a paying job three days a week. I will be working at the Baptist Collegiate Ministry at LSU.

There are plenty of good things about this job...
1. It will give us extra money to pay for fertility treatments-this is really the main reason why I took the job. We've been pulling from our savings each month to cover what we didn't have built into our budget. Now we won't have to do that! Praise the Lord!!!
2. It's flexible-that's the BEST part. I was very open with the director and told him we were going through fertility treatments so there would be times when I would have to make last minute appointments and might have to miss an hour or two here and there, and he was totally fine with it.
3. It will force me to spend less time on the computer during the day-I spend entirely too much of my day on the computer. And then I scurry around the house trying to get everything done in a couple of hours that I should have throughout the day.
4. The lack of time at home will force me to prioritize chores, errands, workouts, and again...computer time.
5. Meals are provided-yes, you read that right! I get lunch provided for free!! But then again I guess that could also be a "con"...it's not exactly on the diet plan. I have to just eat what's prepared or take my own. Hmmm, maybe I need to rethink that part. I should probably take my lunch every day so I can stay on my diet.

But the one thing that I'm really going to miss is my morning workouts. I have gotten so disiplined about working out, and now I'm going to have to find time in my evenings to go workout. And you know, that really sucks (for a couple of reasons)...
1. I'll have to workout alone-if I go in the mornings I can work out with MW.
2. It will make my evenings more hectic-leave work, head to the gym, run home and get dinner started, etc...

Now, I know I really do sound like a spoiled brat, and let's face it...I am a spoiled brat! Let's just kick that elephant right out of the room. I know that PLENTY of you work full time, manage to get to the gym, and still have time in the evenings with the family. But I know me quite well, and the first thing that's going to be tossed out of the schedule is the gym time. Case in point...My first year of teaching I was single, still living at home with Mom, so I joined Ball.ly's with a friend. It was on my way home from work, but I NEVER went. I made time to get to the tanning salon, but not the gym so that was a HUGE waste of money. Then, after J and I married I joined Cur.ves because there was one on my way home from school...again, a BIG waste of money because I went *MAYBE* once a week (and quite honestly, I don't even think I averaged once a week.) I went faithfully during the summer, but missed quite frequently during the school year.

I know, I know...suck it up, put my big girl panties on and deal with it! This job really is a HUGE blessing. I'll only be working Monday-Wednesday. On Thursdays I'll still have the other volunteer job to do, and Fridays I'll have all day to run errands, do the laundry, get the house cleaned, and catch up on blogs, etc... It's not as bad as working 8-5 five days a week, but I've gotten quite used to my free time, so this is really going to be an adjustment for me. But, it will definitely help us financially, and that's the whole point.

Factoids

I was tagged by R&R to tell 8 interesting facts about myself...this might be hard, but I'll try to come up with things that most of you don't know about me.

1. I played softball for 9 years as a kid and was picked up to play on 2 tournament teams after the regular season ended. The first one as a first grader for the "Ladybugs", and the second as an 8th grader for the "Tex-Ans". When I was on the Tex-Ans we won the Metro Tournament and went to the National Tournament in Richland, Washington. And it was there that I broke my left ankle sliding into second base. Three days later we returned to Houston where I had surgery to try and fix my growth plate. Fun times!!!

2. I am the product of a music teacher so I have been singing since I was pretty much able to talk. In high school I tried out for the Texas All-State choir my Soph, Jr, and Sr years, and I made it my Jr and Sr years. The try-outs for the region, area and all-state choirs are actually my fondest memories of high school.

3. I am scared to death of heights. I will ride roller coasters and ride to the top of a needle, but I HATE looking over the side to see how high up I am. I've never gotten sick, but my stomach feels like it's turning flips if I have to look down. Ugh! I just hate heights!!

4. I have a horrible fear that J and I are going to be killed in a car accident. I don't know why I have this fear or where it came from, but every time we get into the car for a long trip I say tons of prayers for protection.

5. I am an organ donor because my dad died while waiting for a heart transplant when I was a sophomore in college. Because of that, when it was time for me to do the persuasive speech in speech class I talked about organ donation. I was so excited that several people in the class filled out organ donation cards after my speech.

6. Growing up I was always overweight. In college I lost 53 pounds and got down to a size 8. I didn't stay in a size 8 for long because I LOVE food. In 2001 I decided that I just couldn't stand to be fat anymore so I worked my butt off and lost 68 pounds. On the day that J and I married I weighed 119 pounds. Unfortunately I've gained it all back because I got lazy and quit working out. Once again I'm to the point where I just can't stand to be the way that I am anymore so I joined the Y last year. I've been working out faithfully for a year and a half, but I have yet to lose much weight. I'm beginning to think that I'm supposed to be overweight. I hate battling my weight...it SUCKS!!! I really wish I could be happy with who I am no matter what I weigh.

7. I hate to drink water. It's like pulling teeth to get me to drink it. I think the only times I've ever craved water was when I was pregnant and when I'm working out. Other than that, it's D.iet Co.ke and Caffeine Free D.iet Co.ke.

8. I'm a girly girl who likes to shop, scrapbook, wear jewelry and buy designer bags. BUT I also LOVE football, volleyball and softball, and sports tend to bring out the tom-boy in me. So sometimes I feel like I don't fit in with the girly girls or the tom-boys. That was always hard for me as a kid.

So now it's your turn Betsy, Chris, and Kim.

In cycle news...just chuggin' along in the 2ww. No thoughts either way...

I'm Ba-ack!!!

Hey girls...I'm finally back home! The trip was awesome!!!! I miss the weather...cool, no humidity, absolutely beautiful. It was hard to step off the plane here and feel the humidity slap you in the face.

I think I o'd, but I don't think it was a strong one. Our timing was GREAT...just a "wait and see" game now. I realized when I got to the hotel in Canada that I had forgotten to pack my FertilityBlend. Guess it's a good thing...that stuff makes me nauseated. While I was gone my doctor (not his nurse) called and told me to call him so we could discuss my HSG results and figure out what to do next. That kind of makes me nervous...he and the radiologist both said everything looked good the day of my HSG. He's since gotten the radiologist's report so I'm wondering if he found something later or if this is just a formality. We decided the day of the HSG that we would see what happened with this cycle, and if it didn't work then we would go back to the old routine until Jan. Now, I'm not sure if that's the plan or not. When I get to talk to my doctor I'll let y'all know!

I really missed you guys!!! I have a lot of catching up to do!!!!

Quick Update From Canada

This is going to have to be quick because they charge an arm and a leg for computer time here at the hotel. So please excuse the typos. No time to edit. Anyway...O confirmed this morning with huge temp jump.

We went to dinner with a few of his co-workers last night. There was one other woman there, and when she ordered a non-alcoholic drink I knew something was up. Later in the conversation she works in that "she's expecting". Geez, I can't even leave the country and get away from the pregnancy announcements. But seeing as how this was my first time to meet this woman I kindly congratulated her. But inside I was reeling!

Funny story about our trip over here. (I know, I'm going out of order, but I'm having to type as fast as I can, and well...things are popping up everywhere about what I need to talk about. I know it's hard, but try to stay with me!) Back to the story...when we got to Houston we got to the terminal that our flight to Toronto was leaving from, and J ran into a guy who works at the Beaumont plant. He was on his way to Toronto as well. In the course of the conversation he starts talking about his family, and then surprised the heck out of me when he openly said, "We have 3 kids, and 2 of them are here thanks to fertility treatments." Nothing had been said about us going through IF at that point, but when he brought it up J started talking about our journey. He gave me the name of a book that their doctor in Houston had written. Sorry don't have the name right now, but J has it. I'll have to post it when we get back in the states.

Okay, well I guess I should go. J is going to freak when he sees how long I've been on the computer. But I just couldn't stay away. I haven't been able to read everyone's blogs, so I'll have a lot of catching up to do when we get home!!

Miss y'all!!!

Procreation Vacation

Let's hope I come home with a little bub stamped "Made in Canada"!!

We'll be gone until Friday!!

HSG Verdict

Okay first...OUCH!!!! I've never been in that much pain before...thank God the valium took a little bit of the edge off. Dr. K had to numb my cervix with lidacain so he could dilate it because it was being difficult (typical). That part just about brought me off the table...sticking that long epidural needle up my hoo-hah and into my cervix...I just about let out a few explitives! Fortunately it was fairly quick and everything went smoothly. Everything is open and clear. No blockages in the tubes or scarring in the uterus that he could see...woo hoo! Thanks so much for prayers and good thoughts!

Now...let's see if I can get a good O this weekend or early next week and take advantage of this supposed increased fertility! Dr. K called our trip to Canada a procreation vacation...let's hope he's right.

Appointment Update

Yet another appointment filled with lots of laughs. I love that my doctor is so personable. When he walked into his office he said, "Well, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with y'all, but I'm sure y'all are wondering what to do with me." I told him I wasn't really upset that the second IUI didn't work. I was more mad at J's swimmers for not finding the target this cycle, so I told him before my next cycle starts I wanted him to install neon signs in my uterus pointing them in the right direction. Dr. K died laughing and said, "Well, I've never had that request before." Then he said, "Yeah, your egg's just sitting there waiting on the suckers." Then he looked at J and said, "It only takes one", and gave him a wink. He said there really was no reason he could think of as to why the IUI’s haven’t worked. He said that J’s analysis was just fine. I told him what the lab tech said about his concentration being so much lower this time, and he said, “But it’s still within normal limits. Guy's concentrations vary all the time. She shouldn't have said that to you. That's just the difference in hearing it from a doctor rather than a lab tech. Nothing against lab techs though."

I asked whether he thought something had happened since my D&C that could have blocked my tubes. He said he didn't think so because it's typically viruses, appendicitis, and STD's that block tubes, none of which I've had. He doesn't think the HSG will find anything, but he said he would do it if I wanted it done. He told me I had his blessing to go see an RE if that's what I wanted to do. I told him I need to feel like I've had him do everything he can possibly do before I go to an RE. I didn't care how much poking, prodding and testing I had to endure because insurance covers all tests diagnosing an IF problem 100%. He was fine with that. I made a deal with him that once he had done all the procedures he could do and I still wasn't pregnant by December then I'd go to an RE in Jan. He thought that was a good plan.

So, I have an HSG planned for tomorrow at 1:00. He doesn't normally like to wait this late to do it, but since I haven't O'd yet he felt like we could get it in before I do.

Honestly, I think going to an RE is really not going to do anything for us. We're not going to do injectables or IVF because it's not covered by insurance, and I just can't throw that much money down on something that's not guaranteed to work. I'm sure there are a few things that an RE might do before suggesting injectables, and we'll do a few Clomid or Femara with trigger cycles, but that's about as far as we're willing to take this. I have a feeling our journey to parenthood the conventional way is just about over. I need to start preparing myself for that fact.

Fairy Tales

As children we're read all these stories of how the princess meets her prince charming and they live happily ever after. And because of those stories every child has dreams about what they want to accomplish when they "grow up". And I'm no different. I wanted to go to college (check), graduate with an education degree (check), become a teacher (check), travel the world (check), marry a wonderful man (check), and then I wanted to settle down and have children. (Notice there's no "check" after that last dream.)

We started ttc in December of 2005, and back then I knew it might be hard to conceive, but I still dreamt of the day when I would hold our baby in my arms. It's now 21 months later, and that dream still hasn't come true. And honestly, up until this month I still dreamt of that day. But something has happened over the past month. That dream of holding our baby has disappeared, and it's been replaced with this deep emptiness. And you know, that feeling is like none other that I've ever felt before. I just have this feeling that my fairy tale ended when I married prince charming.

Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong, but at the moment there's nothing that I want more than to hold our baby. And when I look around I see all these people who have accomplished the dream of becoming a parent, I feel like I'm the lone woman on the IF island. Now, I know there are lots of people out there in the same situation as me (and I'm so thankful to have met some of them), but right now, at this very moment, I feel all alone in this. And I don't like that feeling.

FertilityBlend

It's crunch time, and the question is...will FertilityBlend (FB) work? You're probably thinking, "But you said you were on a break." And to you I say, "I'm on a Clomid break! I'm getting too old to break completely!" LOL

I have a feeling I'll O sometime this weekend or early next week, but will I have the strong O pains??? I'm doubtful that FB will do much, but I am taking three of those blasted things a day so they better do something! So far all they've done is give me insomnia. Anyone else have that problem with FB?

So my appt. with Dr. K is Thursday, and I'm already preparing my "speech". I'm a little nervous at what he's going to say, so I'm trying my best to prepare myself for the "it's time for you to see an RE" answer. I'm fine with going to an RE. What I'm nervous about is the fact that we only have one RE on our insurance plan, so if I don't like her I'm up a creek without a paddle. My insurance won't cover any treatments, but what it will cover are the u/s, tests, procedures and appointments with this doctor, so that will help a lot. I don't know if we can swing going to someone not on our plan and having to cover every u/s, test, procedure, poke and prod on our own on top of any treatments that need to be done. "Lord...PLEASE make this woman compassionate, empathetic, understanding, patient, easy to talk to, etc, etc, etc...if she's not already!!!!"

Countdown to Canada has begun...we leave Sunday! I can't wait!!!

HE'S HOME!!!!!

So this was me on Friday morning...

And this was me Friday night when J walked in the door...

Just Need to Vent!!

I was at the gym with MW this morning. I do fine when I'm around her, though I'm extremely jealous I can still be around her because she doesn't throw her pregnancy in my face. She knows everything we've been through, and even though she's a fertile myrtle (it took her 1 month to conceive this one, and 2 months to conceive DS) she's still very sensitive to my feelings. But a friend of hers, we'll call her "Me Girl", came in and joined us on the elliptical, and all she could talk about was her pregnancy and how things were going to change and what stroller and car seat to get, BLAH BLAH BLAH. "Me Girl" is due in December so it's not like I needed to hear all these things to know she was pregnant because I could see her freakin' belly. But the things is, she KNOWS what we've gone through because I told her the first day I met her at water aerobics when she asked if we had children. We talked about how she'd had a m/c too in between this one and her DS. So "Me Girl" knows about our issues. Granted I don't see her very often (thank God), and she doesn't know the last 2 IUI's didn't work, but she knows how freakin' long we've been ttc. That just ticks me off when people KNOW your situation but they are so completely self absorbed (hence the "Me Girl" name) that they talk about themselves the whole time. I just had to leave. I didn't want to start crying in public so I left. When I got to the car I lost it. This is just SOOOOO unfair.

Being the GREAT friend that MW is, she immediately went home after her workout to email me to see if I was okay, despite the fact that she needed to go run errands..."Just wanted to check in on ya. I am sorry that she wouldnt stop talking about babies. I tried to change the subject to food, but it didnt work. Call me if you need to chat, I am off to run errands."

I'm so thankful for MW because she truly does understand where I'm at, and I truly am excited for her, but as I said in my reply...

"I just needed to get out. I know y'all are both excited about your pregnancies, and you have every right to talk about them. I am just not at the point where I can be around all that yet. I hope I didn't seem rude. I didn't mean to be, but I was about to start crying and I didn't want to make a scene. I've had my crying session so I'm okay now. It’s just that there are so many pregnant people around, and it's hard. I'm tired of feeling like this, but at this point I don't know what to do to make it stop. I guess it's just going to take time."

Thanks for listening ladies! I just needed to get that out. Anyone have a similar story...misery loves company, right?

I MISS MY MAN!!!!!

You know...I was single for a long time, and I lived in an apartment alone for several years before J and I married. I don't understand why it bother me so much when he's gone. I mean, yeah there's the obvious...I love him so much that I hate to be away from him, but while I didn't mind living alone when I was single, I HATE living alone now.

J told me tonight that he misses me a lot. He said that when he's in meetings like the ones he's in this week it makes him miss me that much more because they're long and stressful. I asked him why, and he said he likes coming home to me after a long stressful day. Awwwww.

Now, anyone who knew J before we got married knows that he is the kind of guy that likes to be by himself. He is an independent introvert so being alone is just fine with him. And when he's stressed he doesn't like to be around anyone. He wanted to be by himself so he can decompress. So to me, it sounds weird that he misses me so much. I don't know why, but it does.

But see, I'm the exact opposite...I'm the one who always wants to be around people. I don't like to be by myself unless I'm upset. Being around friends and family after a stressful day helps me relax and unwind. So it's only natural that I would miss J like crazy when he's gone. But when he tells me how much he misses me it makes me miss him that much more. I just miss my man, and I want him home...it's gonna be a long week folks!

My 100th Post!!!

And AF is in full force! So much for just spotting this go around. I guess that's a good thing, but man, she hit me HARD last night! UGH!!!!! I've been downing the Advil like it's candy! This isn't exactly how I envisioned my 100th post! This just sucks!!!

But in better news...I'm going to New Orleans to meet up with a couple of cyber friends! I'm so excited!!!

And in weirder news...J called last night and while we're talking he feels something crawling on his leg. He throws the covers off the bed to find a little black bug. When he told me I freaked...my first thought was bed bugs! Ewwwwwww!! Then I worried about an infestation traveling back here in the luggage and taking over my home. Double ewwwwww!!! So it's almost midnight and I tell him to inspect that WHOLE room. He calls back a little later and asks me to pull up bed bugs on the internet. Sidebar...if you've never done that....DON'T!!!! I got the hebbie jeebies just looking at the pics! Okay, back to the story...After telling him what they look like, how big they are, where to look for them, signs of their visit (if you know what I mean)...he determined that it was NOT bed bugs. He thinks it was just one lone bug that came in with him. I told him I wanted him to check out of that hotel tomorrow and find a nicer one. He's on a business trip for goodness sakes. Ex.xon can afford better than a La.Quin.ta!

And in some REALLY cute news...my almost 3 yr. old niece karaoked last night for the first time. I SOOOO wish I could have been there to see it. My brother took a short video of it with his cell...toooooo cute!!! She sang the ABC's and Twinkle Twinkle (as she likes to call it!) I wish I could find a way to upload it because it's too precious!!!!! But the player that my brother used won't let me save it to my computer without purchasing the software. BAH!!

Okay, gotta run...I'm off to N.O.!!!! And no, I won't be raising my shirt for beads!! Ha Ha!!!
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Update...
Here we are in N.O....Sara, Dawn, and that's me in the middle. (Just realized we look like very patriotic people with the red, white and blue. lol) We're in a BG on FF together...born in 1974 and TTC #1. It was great to finally meet them in person. We had a great time chatting and getting to know each other better. I'm so glad we got to meet up! Love ya girlies!!!

CD1

Well, AF showed...I guess. It's still nothing more than spotting, but I talked with my OB's nurse this morning, and she said to go ahead and call today CD1. In talking with her I've decided to take a break this cycle because for the second cycle in a row all I've done is spot...not even light flow. That concerns me. My doctor is on vacation until the 25th, so we've scheduled a consult appt for the 27th to talk about our options and to discuss all the questions I have. I'm not doing another IUI until I've had an HSG to check my tubes and to see if there's any scarring left from my D&C back in Jan. If there's a chance that in the last 9 months that my tubes have become blocked or that there is scarring from the D&C then the IUI's are futile and a huge waste of money. He may go ahead and refer me an RE, and I probably will make the appt so they can run all the tests in the book on me. My insurance will cover all the tests and procedures...just no treatments. (Don't even get me started on how unfair that is!!!) I want so badly to try this month, but at this point I want answers and not treatments. KWIM?

Spotting Spotting Everywhere

Well...I'm out. I started spotting yesterday, and my temp took a huge nose dive, so that means that AF is on her way. Oddly enough, I'm okay. I mean I did have a melt down yesterday, but today I'm okay. I'm planning to go into my doctor's appt next week and ask for every test and procedure in the book that could help us figure out why I'm not getting pragnant because I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here. I feel like we're throwing away money on IUI's, and we don't have money that we can just flush down the toilet. J won't be able to go to my appt with me, and I don't think I can say everything I want to say without falling apart and becoming a bumbling idiot. I'm really worried that I'm going to freeze up when I start crying and I won't say everything to Dr. K that I want to say. My friend, K, said that she would go with me to the appt and be my "translator" if I get to where I'm so upset that I can't talk. I wish I didn't have to have a backup, but when I was talking to her on the phone I just lost it so I know that it will be even worse when I'm sitting face to face with Dr. K. Please pray that I can have the courage to ask for everything that can be done to be done. When I finally throw in the towel I want to be able to say that I gave it my all. And at this point I can't say that.

It's Just Me and My Thoughts...

J left today on a week and a half long business trip. I really hate it when he travels. I hate being alone, but that's just come about in the last couple of years since we moved to BR. When we lived in the Houston area I had my family and my job to keep me busy. But now that we're here, and I have no job other than a couple volunteer jobs that I do so I really miss J when he's gone. I'm alone pretty much all day other than the hour or so that I'm at the gym with MW, so I really look forward to when J comes home from work every night. I have adult interaction!! But when he travels I'm alone all day and all night, and you know...it gets pretty lonely just being here with Maddie and Sassy. I'm alone with my thoughts...that's scary, folks! lol

So last night J and I went to block.buster to get some movies. He was looking for movies to take with him, and I was looking for movies to keep things interesting at night. It's funny though...we were both looking for movies we knew the other wouldn't want to see. I was looking for chick flicks, and J was looking for action thrillers. As soon as we got in the store we both split off, and when we met up I had 5 movies, and J had 4.

He looked at me and said, "We can't get 9 movies. That's just too much money."

So I said, "You're going to be gone for a week and a half. I need lots of movies to fill the silence."

And the girl at the counter said, "Aww..."

So I played on J's sympathies and said, "Don't you feel sorry for me?"

He just rolled his eyes and said, "I'll put one back if you put one back." And then he looks at my stack and said, "Hey, I want to see that one" (pointing to The Holi.day.)

So I put that one back to rent at another time, and I put back Dream.Girls. But when we got to the counter he still had his 4, and I only had 3! What was up with that?!? I just laughed and gave the movies to the girl at the counter.

Anyway...here's my chick flick stash:
Wild Hogs
Miss Potter
Catch and Release

I still want to see Georgia Rule, but they didn't have any. Guess I'll be going back later to see if they have it!

In ttc news...still getting BFN's. My chart isn't looking as pretty now. (Click on the cycle ticker up at the top, and it will take you to my chart so you can see the updated version.) I'm so mad that we've thrown away another $400 on a wasted treatment. But I'm more mad at J's stubborn swimmers. Out of the 33.3 million that were inserted up my hoo-hah, not one of them could do it's job??? That just ticks me off!!! But hey, at least I'm not angry with God about it!!! That's a huge improvement!!! :o)

AF still hasn't shown so I don't know that I'm out just yet, but I'm not holding out much hope. But rather than sulking and crying about it I'm looking forward to next cycle...Clomid and the natural BD'ing way!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Whatever Will Be, Will Be

I don't know if I'm pregnant or not. The test this morning was a BFN, but it's still early. I'm trying to prepare myself for whatever lies ahead, but there's one thing I know...I DON'T want to get angry with God if I get a BFN. I DON'T want to spend days wallowing in my own self pity. I want to be joyful!! I know it's going to hurt if I'm not pregnant, but I can't let it consume me. Please pray for me in the coming days that I'll be at peace with whatever comes my way. Oh, I hope that I am pregnant, but if I'm not, well, praise God anyway!!!

10DPO...

...and trying not to read into anything too much. Here's my chart so far...and if I must say so, it's pretty awsome looking. But we all know that a beautiful chart does not a BFP make! Just trying to stay realistic here, but I'm having a really hard time!

Madeleine McCann

Is anyone else just fuming about this story? I've always thought the parent's story was a bit odd, but now that they are being named as primary suspects I'm just beside myself.

So for those of you who don't know the story, here's a brief synopsis...

Kate and Gerry McCann, both doctors, have 3 children...4 year old Madeleine, and 2 year old twins, who's names I don't know. They took a vacation to Portugal back in April. They decided to have a little alone time so they put the three children to bed in their hotel room and went to dinner alone!! (Umm, hello...stupid!!!!!!) They say that they alternated checking on the children every 30 minutes to make sure they were okay. One of the times when the mother went to check on them she found that Madeleine was missing, but the twins were sound asleep. (Red flag here!!!)

So fast forward 25 days when the McCann's rented a car, and the police later found Madeleine's DNA in it. (Another red flag!!) The police have said that they believe that Madeleine is indeed dead.

Since then, the McCanns have toured Europe with photos of Madeleine and the child's stuffed animals and clothing, even meeting with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican. Celebrities including J.K. Rowling and David Beckham made public appeals that helped the family raise more than $2 million.

Both Kate and Gerry have been questioned before, but there are more indepth questions that the Portugal police want answered, and in order to ask those questions the have to be officially named as suspects. The girl's aunt said police suggested Madeleine McCann might have been killed accidentally and offered the mother a plea deal if she confessed.

My question is, aside from the obvious why did they leave the children unsupervised...why would an abducter only take Madeleine and leave the other two children sleeping in the hotel room? That just doesn't make sense.

I think the mom was upset about something and did the unthinkable to poor Madeleine, and now the father is trying to cover up the story and protect his wife. I don't know about you, but if my spouse had something to do with the disappearance or death of my child, even if it was accidental, I certainly wouldn't be helping him cover it up!! I just don't get people's rationale.

I hope and pray that the police are able to get to the bottom of this case and find poor Madeleine's body.

The last thing I'm going to say about this is...(and it's going to sound bitter, but I just can't help it)...I would NEVER leave my children unattended or without adult supervision...EVER. These highly educated idiots did, and I'm the one suffering with IF??? It just doesn't make sense!!!

In other news...BL got some GREAT news at her first u/s today!!! Be sure to go by and congratulate her!!!