Many apologies for neglecting my blog. There hasn't been much going on in life until two days ago when our computer at home crashed. But I wasn't worried when that happened...I had everything backed up! SO I THOUGHT!!!
Two weeks ago before I left on my scrapbooking trip I backed up the computer. I dragged the "My Documents" folder onto our external hard drive, and it spent almost an hour copying files. When it was done I looked on the F drive and there were all of our pictures, documents, music files, etc....
Our computer has been running really slowly lately so we started poking around on it and noticed that several things were appearing on our computer several times. So we started deleting some of the copies. That's when the computer went haywire. J tended to the computer for hours and got it all up and running and I transferred the files from the external to the computer. That's when we noticed all of our adoption stuff, our financial files, and many other important files that were in our "My Doctuments" folder were missing from the external. I panicked!!! All those files were in the folder on the external when I left town. J thinks that our computer just didn't accept them when I loaded them back on and wiped them off the F drive somehow. He ran some recovery software, and some of the files were found, but of course not the adoption files or the financial records.
The computer had been acting up lately (not keeping our internet history even though we have it set to hold it for 5 days...the fan starts running really loudly if we're watching videos or listening to music, and it sounds like an airplane taking off...taking forever to boot up and shut down, etc...). But even with those things happening we figured we had a few more months to save up more money for a new one. Boy were we wrong!!!
J thinks that our computer reverted back to a date in October during the recovery process for some reason because he found last year's financial records up to October, but nothing from 2008 (which is when all the adoption stuff was added to the computer.) This has been a nightmare!!!!!
We're buying a new computer tomorrow, but we're lost without our financial stuff, and I'm just sick about our adoption stuff. We had already started writing our Dear BM letter, and I had some information that people had sent me about agencies and books and info about adoption. Our autobiographies that we spent HOURS writing for our HS are lost, but the agency is faxing me a copy so I can retype them on the new computer.
Now for the good news...
Our photo books that our potential BM's will look through came in, and they look AWESOME!!!!
Adoption News...
We're almost done filling out our applications for both agencies. We just have to get our family history, and that means that I have to call my dad (YUCK) to ask about my grandparents. I've tried asking my mom, but she doesn't remember. (Damn!) We're almost to the waiting point!!!! YEA!!!!!
Funny News...
I had to go see Dr. K so he could fill out a form for St. Eliz.abeth's stating that he deemed me infertile. (To remind you...St. E's give priority to infertiles...the one time being infertile has it's perks!) He came in his office and walked over like he always does to shake my hand, but this time he said, "I know you well enough to get a hug, right?" Then we talked a bit about why I was there. He said this was the first time he had ever had to fill out something this detailed. (Normally it's just a form that states that you're physically, mentally and emotionally stable enough to adopt.) He had to fill out my whole history...all procedures, all treatments, miscarriages, etc...He started laughing when it asked about my teeth. He told me to smile, and then he wrote that my teeth were healthy. He had to write my pulse rate and blood pressure, which were both elevated (130/90 and 90 bpm) b/c I had talked to J about the computer right before they took me back. He said, "That's not gonna look good." and then winked*. Then he had to write about whether I was emotionally stable enough to be a parent, and he looked up at me and said, "Well, we've never hung out socially, but you never had an emotional meltdown in my office, so I'm gonna have to say that I find you emotionally stable enough. If only I had to answer that question about all my patients."
It took him about 10-15 minutes to fill everything out. He handed it to me to read over, and I noticed everything showed that I was healthy (*wink, wink) and completely infertile. As I was leaving he said, "Please keep us posted on what happens especially since I've had to fill all this out." I laughed and said, "Yeah, now you're vested in this, huh?" And he said the sweetest thing..."I've been vested in this for you, girl." Awww, I love my doc.
He walked out after me and said, "You know what's gonna happen don't you?" And I said, "It better not now that I'm back on the Meth.otre.xate. But wouldn't that be ironic?" He winked and said, "That's why you're on the folic acid, but I'd be much more comfortable if it didn't happen. I'll see ya soon, and you better have a baby in tow."
Arthritis News...
I went to see Dr. C a couple weeks ago and she upped my Metho.trex.ate to 20mg/week and my Remi.cade to 600mg every 8 weeks, and I FEEL AMAZING!!!! I am FINALLY back to my old self. I haven't hit the gym just yet. I want to wait until after my next Remi.cade infusion, but I am PRAISING GOD that I am feeling better. My endless flare that began in October is FINALLY OVER!!!!! I can walk without limping, I can open jars without J's help, I can do laundry without my hands hurting, and I can do housework without feeling it for days afterwards (though I think I'll keep the housekeeper once a month b/c I've gotten spoiled!). I have waited for this day for months, and it's finally here!!!! A day without pain is just amazing!!!!
So that's what life in the Haik household has been like lately.
Happy Wednesday y'all!!!
Showing posts with label Doctor's Appointments. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Doctor's Appointments. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Friday, December 21, 2007
Appointment with Dr. C
I've been on Rem.icade for several years, but when I first started on it I was also taking Meth.otrex.ate, a drug that you absolutely cannot be taking when ttc. In September '05 I got off the Meth.otrex.ate, but stayed on the Rem.icade because we knew that we were going to start ttc. I knew from my wonderful Dr. W back in Houston that Rem.icade worked better with Meth.otrex.ate, but it could still work without it, just not as effectively. Well, it's been over 2 years since I got off the Meth.otrex.ate, and I did exceptionally well on just the Rem.icade alone. But Dr. C thinks that I've finally started building up antibodies to the Rem.icade which makes it ineffective. She wants me back on the Meth.otrex.ate, but she did warn me that it might be too late for it to help with the Rem.icade. But I can take the Meth.otrex.ate with another biologic drug like En.brel or Hum.ira. So because she wants me back on the Meth.otrex.ate I have to go back on BCP. She said she's not calling in the Rx yet. She wants me to wait 4 weeks to see if the Rem.icade alone will help. But she's 99.9% sure that it's not gonna help without the Meth.otrex.ate. (And quite honestly, I'm with her, I don't think it's gonna get any better without it.)
Dr. C thinks the pain in my hip is bursitis, pockets of fluid that build up to reduce friction between tissues of the body. She said that it usually forms in the hips of arthritics because they start to walk funny to ease the pain they're experiencing in the knee or ankle. And I can see how that would be true. I have been limping and favoring my left knee more and more throughout this flare. (from medicinenet.com: Trochanteric bursitis frequently causes tenderness of the outer hip, making it difficult for patients to lie on the involved side, frequently making sleep difficult. It also causes a dull, burning pain on the outer hip that is often made worse with excessive walking or stair climbing.) So she gave me a shot of cor.tis.one in my hip and told me it should start to work in about a week, and until I started getting some relief that I needed to take it easy. (I'm pretty good at that, but thanks for the directive. Now I can have J continue to do the housework! lol)
I'm REALLY upset about the Meth.otrex.ate. This is the last thing that I wanted. My hope was that I could go on a more ttc friendly anti-inflammatory so I could still keep taking the Clomid. I'm upset about having to go back on BCP. I hate BCP!! But more than that, I'm upset that my ttc is now officially over. Well, I guess I do still have one glimmer of hope in that area. I'm not going back on the Meth.otrex.ate until this cycle is over, so I guess technically I do still have one last chance at getting pregnant. But once this cycle is over I have to call Dr. K and tell him I have to go back on the BCP because I'll have to be on the BCP for a few weeks prior to taking the Meth.otrex.ate to make sure I'm covered. (Like this PCOS'er needs BCP. I don't O on my own anyway. But it saves their butt from lawsuits I guess.)
There are 3 good things that will come out of all this. (I'm trying to find the silver lining, but it ain't easy folks.)
1. The what-ifs and the unknowns are now put to rest. I have a plan now. It's certainly not a plan that I like, but it's a plan nonetheless. (I had to look that up and find out if it was all one word or three words. lol)
2. I get to have lasik sooner rather than later.
3. I will start to feel better soon.
But no matter how much "good" comes out of all this, my heart is still broken because I might never have J's child.
Dr. C thinks the pain in my hip is bursitis, pockets of fluid that build up to reduce friction between tissues of the body. She said that it usually forms in the hips of arthritics because they start to walk funny to ease the pain they're experiencing in the knee or ankle. And I can see how that would be true. I have been limping and favoring my left knee more and more throughout this flare. (from medicinenet.com: Trochanteric bursitis frequently causes tenderness of the outer hip, making it difficult for patients to lie on the involved side, frequently making sleep difficult. It also causes a dull, burning pain on the outer hip that is often made worse with excessive walking or stair climbing.) So she gave me a shot of cor.tis.one in my hip and told me it should start to work in about a week, and until I started getting some relief that I needed to take it easy. (I'm pretty good at that, but thanks for the directive. Now I can have J continue to do the housework! lol)
I'm REALLY upset about the Meth.otrex.ate. This is the last thing that I wanted. My hope was that I could go on a more ttc friendly anti-inflammatory so I could still keep taking the Clomid. I'm upset about having to go back on BCP. I hate BCP!! But more than that, I'm upset that my ttc is now officially over. Well, I guess I do still have one glimmer of hope in that area. I'm not going back on the Meth.otrex.ate until this cycle is over, so I guess technically I do still have one last chance at getting pregnant. But once this cycle is over I have to call Dr. K and tell him I have to go back on the BCP because I'll have to be on the BCP for a few weeks prior to taking the Meth.otrex.ate to make sure I'm covered. (Like this PCOS'er needs BCP. I don't O on my own anyway. But it saves their butt from lawsuits I guess.)
There are 3 good things that will come out of all this. (I'm trying to find the silver lining, but it ain't easy folks.)
1. The what-ifs and the unknowns are now put to rest. I have a plan now. It's certainly not a plan that I like, but it's a plan nonetheless. (I had to look that up and find out if it was all one word or three words. lol)
2. I get to have lasik sooner rather than later.
3. I will start to feel better soon.
But no matter how much "good" comes out of all this, my heart is still broken because I might never have J's child.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Medical Care Decisions
Arthritis Care...
Recently I've had to make a few decisions about my medical care. The first being with my rheumatologist. I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis when I was 17, and since then I've seen several doctors that have helped control the pain. When we moved here to BR I had to find another rheumatologist, and that task was pretty much tainted by the wonderful doc I had in Houston, Dr. W. It was very hard to leave him because he "got" me. He had a very cynical personality, but great bedside manner. We got along great, and I trusted him completely. And he knew me very well. I'm not a complainer when it comes to my arthritis pain. Over the years I've learned to live with the pain associated with arthritis. I was able to find a level of pain that I was able to live with on a daily basis because I knew that there would never be a completely pain-free day. And when I had a flare-up I would call Dr. W and tell him, and without making me come in, he would prescribe meds to get me over the hump and back to "my normal".
When I found out we were moving I researched rheumatologists here in BR, and found out about a doctor, Dr. M, that was very knowledgeable, but most people said he didn't have much bedside manner. And I found that to be completely true at my first appointment 2.5 years ago. But, according to everything I had read, I was seeing the best doctor in BR. So I decided I would just stick with him because for what he lacked in bedside manner, he made up for in his knowledge of rheumatology.
Since my LAP a month ago I have been in the middle of a HORRIBLE flare-up, and so when it first started I did what I had always done and called Dr. M's office and told them the situation. The nurse just kind of sat there, and so I asked, "Is there anything that Dr. M can prescribe to get me through the flare, like a Med.rol dose pack (what Dr. W had always prescribed for me)? She said, "Well, let me talk to Dr. M and I'll get back with you." By the next day I was miserable, and I hadn't heard back from her so I called my pharmacy, and sure enough, he had called it in, but the nurse failed to call me back to let me know. So basically I went though an extra day of pain thanks to her. Can't fault Dr. M for that, but I was livid with his unfriendly nurse.
A week later I called back because the dose pack hadn't given me any relief, and Unfriendly Nurse told me to make an appointment to see Dr. M. I went in that day, and was furious when I left because I had been completely dismissed. He told me I had carpel tunnel syndrome (CTS) and there was nothing I could do but wear a brace and take pain pills at night to get me through the night. Now, I'm no doctor, but I KNOW arthritis pain, and what I was feeling was 100% arthritis pain. What I couldn't believe was that I was hurting ALL OVER, as in EVERY joint in my body ached, and he had the nerve to tell me it was CTS. I left with the Rx for Lo.rtab, but I was furious!!!
Another week later I was still in LOTS Of pain and taking WAY more Al.eve than I was supposed to take, so I called back to ask if Dr. M would move up my Rem.icade infusion. Get this...She said, "He'll let you move it up one week, but you can't go in this week." WTHeck???? I had to go through ANOTHER week of pain before I could have my infusion!!! I was fuming, but honestly, there wasn't anything I could do at that point. So I continued taking more Al.eve than I should have been just to get me through the day, and I was taking the pain pills just to sleep. I somehow, by the grace of God, made it to my new Rem.icade appointment, and when the nurse in the infusion lab asked me what my pain scale was I told her a 9 out of 10. She was floored!! I had NEVER in 2.5 years EVER felt this bad! She asked me if I had told Dr. M, and I started to cry. I told her the story, and she said, "Girl, you gotta get you another doctor."
Sadly, the Rem.icade infusion didn't help either so SOMETHING was going on. So I called Dr. M back to tell him, and he had me come in again. That was a COMPLETE waste of time! He did give me an anti-inflammatory and another pain pill RX this time, but I still felt like he wasn't hearing me, and he didn't believe me when I told him how much pain I was in. Dr. W would have ordered all kinds of labs and x-rays to view my joints, but Dr. M did NOTHING of the sort! When I left I decided I had given him enough chances to help me, and it was time to see someone else.
Yesterday I met with Dr. C (another doctor in the BR Clinic), and told her everything that had happened with Dr. M. After talking with me and examing me for almost 30 minutes she said she wanted to keep my meds where they were at this point, BUT she ordered labs and x-rays of my joints. FINALLY!!! So when my labs and x-rays come back she said she would call and we would discuss what to do to get me out of this horrible nightmare.
---------------------------------------------------
Infertility care...
I called the doctor's office that I am being referred to in January, and asked them what their prices were for office visits, IUI's, u/s, blood work, etc...I told her that the doctor would be added to my insurance once the Network Adequacy Hardship had gone through, and she said, "Well, once you come here, your insurance will quit paying anything because you are now diagnosed with a problem." Huh??? Then what good is having an RE on your insurance??? She said I would pay them $150-220 at the first visit, and then they would submit it to my insurance company and if they paid anything they would give me credit for future services or send me a refund.
I don't know that I want to go through the hassle of getting the hardship if in the end nothing will be covered. So I think we've just about come to the decision that we'll just give the Clomid/Met 6 months with my OB, and if nothing happens then we'll throw in the towel. At that point we will have been ttc for 2.5 years. I think that's plenty long enough for this gal to make the decision to give up and move on.
----------------------------------
Accu Care...
The last appointment I had with my accupuncturist (for arthritis care, not infertility) was the day before we left for Jamaica. When he asked me when I could come back in the next week I told him we were going to be in Jamaica the following week so I would have to come back in the week we get back in town.
I go through the appointment, and after making my next appointment Mr. C was trying to get me to buy $100 worth of herbs and a $50 tube of cream to rub on my joints. While I'm sure they work fine, I told him that we just couldn't afford to spend $150 for 2 sessions a week, plus another $150 for herbs and cream. To which his reply was, "You can take a trip to Jamaica and you can't afford this? I'm just trying to help you here." I was floored!!!! Did I really just hear that? I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. Needless to say I WILL NOT be going back for my appointment this afternoon.
Recently I've had to make a few decisions about my medical care. The first being with my rheumatologist. I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis when I was 17, and since then I've seen several doctors that have helped control the pain. When we moved here to BR I had to find another rheumatologist, and that task was pretty much tainted by the wonderful doc I had in Houston, Dr. W. It was very hard to leave him because he "got" me. He had a very cynical personality, but great bedside manner. We got along great, and I trusted him completely. And he knew me very well. I'm not a complainer when it comes to my arthritis pain. Over the years I've learned to live with the pain associated with arthritis. I was able to find a level of pain that I was able to live with on a daily basis because I knew that there would never be a completely pain-free day. And when I had a flare-up I would call Dr. W and tell him, and without making me come in, he would prescribe meds to get me over the hump and back to "my normal".
When I found out we were moving I researched rheumatologists here in BR, and found out about a doctor, Dr. M, that was very knowledgeable, but most people said he didn't have much bedside manner. And I found that to be completely true at my first appointment 2.5 years ago. But, according to everything I had read, I was seeing the best doctor in BR. So I decided I would just stick with him because for what he lacked in bedside manner, he made up for in his knowledge of rheumatology.
Since my LAP a month ago I have been in the middle of a HORRIBLE flare-up, and so when it first started I did what I had always done and called Dr. M's office and told them the situation. The nurse just kind of sat there, and so I asked, "Is there anything that Dr. M can prescribe to get me through the flare, like a Med.rol dose pack (what Dr. W had always prescribed for me)? She said, "Well, let me talk to Dr. M and I'll get back with you." By the next day I was miserable, and I hadn't heard back from her so I called my pharmacy, and sure enough, he had called it in, but the nurse failed to call me back to let me know. So basically I went though an extra day of pain thanks to her. Can't fault Dr. M for that, but I was livid with his unfriendly nurse.
A week later I called back because the dose pack hadn't given me any relief, and Unfriendly Nurse told me to make an appointment to see Dr. M. I went in that day, and was furious when I left because I had been completely dismissed. He told me I had carpel tunnel syndrome (CTS) and there was nothing I could do but wear a brace and take pain pills at night to get me through the night. Now, I'm no doctor, but I KNOW arthritis pain, and what I was feeling was 100% arthritis pain. What I couldn't believe was that I was hurting ALL OVER, as in EVERY joint in my body ached, and he had the nerve to tell me it was CTS. I left with the Rx for Lo.rtab, but I was furious!!!
Another week later I was still in LOTS Of pain and taking WAY more Al.eve than I was supposed to take, so I called back to ask if Dr. M would move up my Rem.icade infusion. Get this...She said, "He'll let you move it up one week, but you can't go in this week." WTHeck???? I had to go through ANOTHER week of pain before I could have my infusion!!! I was fuming, but honestly, there wasn't anything I could do at that point. So I continued taking more Al.eve than I should have been just to get me through the day, and I was taking the pain pills just to sleep. I somehow, by the grace of God, made it to my new Rem.icade appointment, and when the nurse in the infusion lab asked me what my pain scale was I told her a 9 out of 10. She was floored!! I had NEVER in 2.5 years EVER felt this bad! She asked me if I had told Dr. M, and I started to cry. I told her the story, and she said, "Girl, you gotta get you another doctor."
Sadly, the Rem.icade infusion didn't help either so SOMETHING was going on. So I called Dr. M back to tell him, and he had me come in again. That was a COMPLETE waste of time! He did give me an anti-inflammatory and another pain pill RX this time, but I still felt like he wasn't hearing me, and he didn't believe me when I told him how much pain I was in. Dr. W would have ordered all kinds of labs and x-rays to view my joints, but Dr. M did NOTHING of the sort! When I left I decided I had given him enough chances to help me, and it was time to see someone else.
Yesterday I met with Dr. C (another doctor in the BR Clinic), and told her everything that had happened with Dr. M. After talking with me and examing me for almost 30 minutes she said she wanted to keep my meds where they were at this point, BUT she ordered labs and x-rays of my joints. FINALLY!!! So when my labs and x-rays come back she said she would call and we would discuss what to do to get me out of this horrible nightmare.
---------------------------------------------------
Infertility care...
I called the doctor's office that I am being referred to in January, and asked them what their prices were for office visits, IUI's, u/s, blood work, etc...I told her that the doctor would be added to my insurance once the Network Adequacy Hardship had gone through, and she said, "Well, once you come here, your insurance will quit paying anything because you are now diagnosed with a problem." Huh??? Then what good is having an RE on your insurance??? She said I would pay them $150-220 at the first visit, and then they would submit it to my insurance company and if they paid anything they would give me credit for future services or send me a refund.
I don't know that I want to go through the hassle of getting the hardship if in the end nothing will be covered. So I think we've just about come to the decision that we'll just give the Clomid/Met 6 months with my OB, and if nothing happens then we'll throw in the towel. At that point we will have been ttc for 2.5 years. I think that's plenty long enough for this gal to make the decision to give up and move on.
----------------------------------
Accu Care...
The last appointment I had with my accupuncturist (for arthritis care, not infertility) was the day before we left for Jamaica. When he asked me when I could come back in the next week I told him we were going to be in Jamaica the following week so I would have to come back in the week we get back in town.
I go through the appointment, and after making my next appointment Mr. C was trying to get me to buy $100 worth of herbs and a $50 tube of cream to rub on my joints. While I'm sure they work fine, I told him that we just couldn't afford to spend $150 for 2 sessions a week, plus another $150 for herbs and cream. To which his reply was, "You can take a trip to Jamaica and you can't afford this? I'm just trying to help you here." I was floored!!!! Did I really just hear that? I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. Needless to say I WILL NOT be going back for my appointment this afternoon.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I'm on Cloud 9!!!
My post-op appointment went well today. When Dr. K walked into the room he asked me if I was mad at him when I woke up from my surgery. I said, "Honestly, I was a little mad, but not at you. Part of me wanted something to be wrong so I would have a reason why I wasn't getting pregnant again. But the other part of me was relieved." He said he understood, and it was natural to have those mixed emotions. He said he was glad he didn't find anything wrong because while the things that could have been wrong can be fixed, they often come back. So he said, "In this instance I didn't want to find anything wrong with you."
He showed me all the pictures from my lap (very cool...did you know your ovaries are white??). He told me everything looked beautiful in there. He said the only things that weren't quite right were my ovaries...classic PCOS, which he was expecting.
I have a good friend that's a dietician who works with diebetes patients, and she asked me a while back if Dr. K had me on glucophage (a.k.a. metformin, or met, for short). I told her no, but that I had asked for it, and Dr. K said he didn't want to go that route just yet because I had responded so well to the Clomid. Well I kind of fibbed today and told Dr. K that I was seeing a dietician to lose some weight, and she wanted me to ask him if he would consider putting me on glucophage. (I used the brand name this time to make it sound more official, but I was fully expecting to hear the same reasoning that I heard before.) But here's where he totally floored me...He said, "We can do another glucose test, and if you're even the slightest bit IR (insuline resistant) then I'll put you on it." Hmmmm, why didn't he do that 6 months ago when I first asked for the met??? It's really a moot point now, but I'm just so thrilled that he's going to at least move in that direction. I think it had to do with the whole "the dietician wanted me to ask" thing. I told him that I had been so good about cutting out all things white, all things sugary, I was working out regularly, watching my caloric and fat intake, etc...and the weight just wasn't coming off. I told him that I do lose a little weight (4-6 pounds), but then it just stops. It doesn't matter what I do, I just can't get the darn weight off. And he said, "Well based on what you're telling me it sounds like you do have some IR, so let's do the glucose test and then go from there." (Can you hear the angels singing???)
He asked me if I was ready to give it another go, and I told him I was going to be mad if he wasn't going to let me ttc this cycle. He said he didn't want me to take Clomid without the Met (if I needed it) until I had done the glucose test, so I'm going in on Friday to do the test, and hopefully he'll have the results before AF arrives (if she decides to pay me a visit). That way I can start the Met and Clomid next month!!
So then I told him that in the off chance that AF did pay me a visit it was going to be right in the middle of our anniversary trip to Jamaica. He said, "Oh, that's not good. I'll give you an Rx for Provera to try and induce AF before you leave because I want you having a good time on that trip. You need a good, relaxing vacation." He said it might not work, but it's worth trying so I'm not spending our anniversary trip crabby and uncomfortable.
I'm not going to let myself have even the slightest glimmer of hope that I am IR because we all know that getting my hopes up will only lead to heartbreak. So I'd rather be realistic and think that the universe couldn't possibly be so kind. That way I'm completely shocked if things happen to go my way.
He showed me all the pictures from my lap (very cool...did you know your ovaries are white??). He told me everything looked beautiful in there. He said the only things that weren't quite right were my ovaries...classic PCOS, which he was expecting.
I have a good friend that's a dietician who works with diebetes patients, and she asked me a while back if Dr. K had me on glucophage (a.k.a. metformin, or met, for short). I told her no, but that I had asked for it, and Dr. K said he didn't want to go that route just yet because I had responded so well to the Clomid. Well I kind of fibbed today and told Dr. K that I was seeing a dietician to lose some weight, and she wanted me to ask him if he would consider putting me on glucophage. (I used the brand name this time to make it sound more official, but I was fully expecting to hear the same reasoning that I heard before.) But here's where he totally floored me...He said, "We can do another glucose test, and if you're even the slightest bit IR (insuline resistant) then I'll put you on it." Hmmmm, why didn't he do that 6 months ago when I first asked for the met??? It's really a moot point now, but I'm just so thrilled that he's going to at least move in that direction. I think it had to do with the whole "the dietician wanted me to ask" thing. I told him that I had been so good about cutting out all things white, all things sugary, I was working out regularly, watching my caloric and fat intake, etc...and the weight just wasn't coming off. I told him that I do lose a little weight (4-6 pounds), but then it just stops. It doesn't matter what I do, I just can't get the darn weight off. And he said, "Well based on what you're telling me it sounds like you do have some IR, so let's do the glucose test and then go from there." (Can you hear the angels singing???)
He asked me if I was ready to give it another go, and I told him I was going to be mad if he wasn't going to let me ttc this cycle. He said he didn't want me to take Clomid without the Met (if I needed it) until I had done the glucose test, so I'm going in on Friday to do the test, and hopefully he'll have the results before AF arrives (if she decides to pay me a visit). That way I can start the Met and Clomid next month!!
So then I told him that in the off chance that AF did pay me a visit it was going to be right in the middle of our anniversary trip to Jamaica. He said, "Oh, that's not good. I'll give you an Rx for Provera to try and induce AF before you leave because I want you having a good time on that trip. You need a good, relaxing vacation." He said it might not work, but it's worth trying so I'm not spending our anniversary trip crabby and uncomfortable.
I'm not going to let myself have even the slightest glimmer of hope that I am IR because we all know that getting my hopes up will only lead to heartbreak. So I'd rather be realistic and think that the universe couldn't possibly be so kind. That way I'm completely shocked if things happen to go my way.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I Have the BEST Doctor in the WORLD!!!!
Woo Hoo...my surgery is Wednesday!!! As in Oct. 16th, Wednesday!!! The pre-op nurse called a little bit ago, and said that Dr. K (now known as Dr. Wonderful) called the hospital himself to schedule it, and then he moved some of his patients around so I could have the surgery next week!!!!! The nurse kept saying, "You need to tell Dr. Wonderful 'thank you, thank you, a million times thank you' for doing this. Most doctors wouldn't do this. And they certainly wouldn't do it themselves."
I'm just praising God for this because it's COMPLETELY His doing!!! I'm so freaking excited!!!! Now please pray that AF shows early next week...heck, I'll even take her visit this weekend!!!
I'm just praising God for this because it's COMPLETELY His doing!!! I'm so freaking excited!!!! Now please pray that AF shows early next week...heck, I'll even take her visit this weekend!!!
Saturday, October 6, 2007
I'm Ba-ack!!!
Hey girls...I'm finally back home! The trip was awesome!!!! I miss the weather...cool, no humidity, absolutely beautiful. It was hard to step off the plane here and feel the humidity slap you in the face.
I think I o'd, but I don't think it was a strong one. Our timing was GREAT...just a "wait and see" game now. I realized when I got to the hotel in Canada that I had forgotten to pack my FertilityBlend. Guess it's a good thing...that stuff makes me nauseated. While I was gone my doctor (not his nurse) called and told me to call him so we could discuss my HSG results and figure out what to do next. That kind of makes me nervous...he and the radiologist both said everything looked good the day of my HSG. He's since gotten the radiologist's report so I'm wondering if he found something later or if this is just a formality. We decided the day of the HSG that we would see what happened with this cycle, and if it didn't work then we would go back to the old routine until Jan. Now, I'm not sure if that's the plan or not. When I get to talk to my doctor I'll let y'all know!
I really missed you guys!!! I have a lot of catching up to do!!!!
I think I o'd, but I don't think it was a strong one. Our timing was GREAT...just a "wait and see" game now. I realized when I got to the hotel in Canada that I had forgotten to pack my FertilityBlend. Guess it's a good thing...that stuff makes me nauseated. While I was gone my doctor (not his nurse) called and told me to call him so we could discuss my HSG results and figure out what to do next. That kind of makes me nervous...he and the radiologist both said everything looked good the day of my HSG. He's since gotten the radiologist's report so I'm wondering if he found something later or if this is just a formality. We decided the day of the HSG that we would see what happened with this cycle, and if it didn't work then we would go back to the old routine until Jan. Now, I'm not sure if that's the plan or not. When I get to talk to my doctor I'll let y'all know!
I really missed you guys!!! I have a lot of catching up to do!!!!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Appointment Update
Yet another appointment filled with lots of laughs. I love that my doctor is so personable. When he walked into his office he said, "Well, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with y'all, but I'm sure y'all are wondering what to do with me." I told him I wasn't really upset that the second IUI didn't work. I was more mad at J's swimmers for not finding the target this cycle, so I told him before my next cycle starts I wanted him to install neon signs in my uterus pointing them in the right direction. Dr. K died laughing and said, "Well, I've never had that request before." Then he said, "Yeah, your egg's just sitting there waiting on the suckers." Then he looked at J and said, "It only takes one", and gave him a wink. He said there really was no reason he could think of as to why the IUI’s haven’t worked. He said that J’s analysis was just fine. I told him what the lab tech said about his concentration being so much lower this time, and he said, “But it’s still within normal limits. Guy's concentrations vary all the time. She shouldn't have said that to you. That's just the difference in hearing it from a doctor rather than a lab tech. Nothing against lab techs though."
I asked whether he thought something had happened since my D&C that could have blocked my tubes. He said he didn't think so because it's typically viruses, appendicitis, and STD's that block tubes, none of which I've had. He doesn't think the HSG will find anything, but he said he would do it if I wanted it done. He told me I had his blessing to go see an RE if that's what I wanted to do. I told him I need to feel like I've had him do everything he can possibly do before I go to an RE. I didn't care how much poking, prodding and testing I had to endure because insurance covers all tests diagnosing an IF problem 100%. He was fine with that. I made a deal with him that once he had done all the procedures he could do and I still wasn't pregnant by December then I'd go to an RE in Jan. He thought that was a good plan.
So, I have an HSG planned for tomorrow at 1:00. He doesn't normally like to wait this late to do it, but since I haven't O'd yet he felt like we could get it in before I do.
Honestly, I think going to an RE is really not going to do anything for us. We're not going to do injectables or IVF because it's not covered by insurance, and I just can't throw that much money down on something that's not guaranteed to work. I'm sure there are a few things that an RE might do before suggesting injectables, and we'll do a few Clomid or Femara with trigger cycles, but that's about as far as we're willing to take this. I have a feeling our journey to parenthood the conventional way is just about over. I need to start preparing myself for that fact.
I asked whether he thought something had happened since my D&C that could have blocked my tubes. He said he didn't think so because it's typically viruses, appendicitis, and STD's that block tubes, none of which I've had. He doesn't think the HSG will find anything, but he said he would do it if I wanted it done. He told me I had his blessing to go see an RE if that's what I wanted to do. I told him I need to feel like I've had him do everything he can possibly do before I go to an RE. I didn't care how much poking, prodding and testing I had to endure because insurance covers all tests diagnosing an IF problem 100%. He was fine with that. I made a deal with him that once he had done all the procedures he could do and I still wasn't pregnant by December then I'd go to an RE in Jan. He thought that was a good plan.
So, I have an HSG planned for tomorrow at 1:00. He doesn't normally like to wait this late to do it, but since I haven't O'd yet he felt like we could get it in before I do.
Honestly, I think going to an RE is really not going to do anything for us. We're not going to do injectables or IVF because it's not covered by insurance, and I just can't throw that much money down on something that's not guaranteed to work. I'm sure there are a few things that an RE might do before suggesting injectables, and we'll do a few Clomid or Femara with trigger cycles, but that's about as far as we're willing to take this. I have a feeling our journey to parenthood the conventional way is just about over. I need to start preparing myself for that fact.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
FertilityBlend
It's crunch time, and the question is...will FertilityBlend (FB) work? You're probably thinking, "But you said you were on a break." And to you I say, "I'm on a Clomid break! I'm getting too old to break completely!" LOL
I have a feeling I'll O sometime this weekend or early next week, but will I have the strong O pains??? I'm doubtful that FB will do much, but I am taking three of those blasted things a day so they better do something! So far all they've done is give me insomnia. Anyone else have that problem with FB?
So my appt. with Dr. K is Thursday, and I'm already preparing my "speech". I'm a little nervous at what he's going to say, so I'm trying my best to prepare myself for the "it's time for you to see an RE" answer. I'm fine with going to an RE. What I'm nervous about is the fact that we only have one RE on our insurance plan, so if I don't like her I'm up a creek without a paddle. My insurance won't cover any treatments, but what it will cover are the u/s, tests, procedures and appointments with this doctor, so that will help a lot. I don't know if we can swing going to someone not on our plan and having to cover every u/s, test, procedure, poke and prod on our own on top of any treatments that need to be done. "Lord...PLEASE make this woman compassionate, empathetic, understanding, patient, easy to talk to, etc, etc, etc...if she's not already!!!!"
Countdown to Canada has begun...we leave Sunday! I can't wait!!!
I have a feeling I'll O sometime this weekend or early next week, but will I have the strong O pains??? I'm doubtful that FB will do much, but I am taking three of those blasted things a day so they better do something! So far all they've done is give me insomnia. Anyone else have that problem with FB?
So my appt. with Dr. K is Thursday, and I'm already preparing my "speech". I'm a little nervous at what he's going to say, so I'm trying my best to prepare myself for the "it's time for you to see an RE" answer. I'm fine with going to an RE. What I'm nervous about is the fact that we only have one RE on our insurance plan, so if I don't like her I'm up a creek without a paddle. My insurance won't cover any treatments, but what it will cover are the u/s, tests, procedures and appointments with this doctor, so that will help a lot. I don't know if we can swing going to someone not on our plan and having to cover every u/s, test, procedure, poke and prod on our own on top of any treatments that need to be done. "Lord...PLEASE make this woman compassionate, empathetic, understanding, patient, easy to talk to, etc, etc, etc...if she's not already!!!!"
Countdown to Canada has begun...we leave Sunday! I can't wait!!!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
My Monthly Appt.
So I had yet another" I'm not pregnant, give me more Clomid" appointment today. The first thing that nurse K said when she saw me was, "Did you get your hair colored since we saw you last? Ha Ha...if she only knew!!! Does the fact that she noticed my hair color change mean that I'm in there too often? Does this mean they need to be added to my Christmas card list?
When Dr. K walked into the room he said, "Man, I want you to be pregnant so badly!" And then he goes over to the counter to look at my chart and he slams his hand on the counter and said, "Shit!" I just laughed and said, "Yeah, that's what I said on Monday when I got a stark white pregnancy test."
So here's the run down of the appointment...
When Dr. K walked into the room he said, "Man, I want you to be pregnant so badly!" And then he goes over to the counter to look at my chart and he slams his hand on the counter and said, "Shit!" I just laughed and said, "Yeah, that's what I said on Monday when I got a stark white pregnancy test."
So here's the run down of the appointment...
- We talked about my short AF this cycle, and he said that's expected with Clomid. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with my lining, but at the same time he's not increasing my dosage because I'm having such short AF's and he doesn't want it to become a problem. If that makes sense.
- He said he was baffled at the fact that I'm not getting pregnant. He knows I'm ovulating, and frankly so do I because I can feel the darn eggs in there when they're about to hatch. He said J's SA was stellar, so he said there shouldn't be any reason for me to not be getting pg. I could see the frustration on his face. Doesn't make me feel good that I'm frustrating my doctor, and it's not because I'm being a pain in the ass by calling all the time.
- I asked him if he thought I had bad eggs, and he said he didn't think so.
- He said he wanted to do a few more IUI's and then if they didn't work then he would refer me to an RE.
- He said he really wanted me to quit temping, and I told him that I couldn't. With my personality it was much better for me to see the temp drop a few days before AF visits so I can prepare myself. I don't like surprises, and for me to wake up one morning to find AF's very unwanted gift would be 100 times worse for me than temping during the 2ww. He understood, and said, "Well, since you put it that way. Just don't obsess about the temps. Deal?" Deal.
- IUI #2 will be sometime at the end of this month.
J and I need to have a sit-down and talk about how many IUI's we're willing to do, and if we even want to go the RE route. We have always said no injects and no ivf because of the money. We want to put the money that would have been spent on those treatments towards adoption. But now, I don't now how I feel about that. We talked about that early on when we weren't even sure if I could get pregnant. Now that we know I can get pregnant I kind of want to see if something can be done to help one stick.
After my appointment I went to the mall to buy another swimsuit for our trip to Jamaica. I got a call while I was there from MW. She said, "I parked next to you. Where are you? B saw your car, and he wants to come see you." So we met up in the swimsuit section of Dill.ards. We chatted and she helped me pick out a swimsuit, we went to the playground to let B play for a while, and then we went to the food court for lunch. After lunch we shopped a bit, and the she stopped me and said, "You know. I just feel so much better after seeing you. I know that you've been really upset lately because you're not pregnant and I am, and I just wanted to see you to know that you were okay. I really feel bad for you, and if there was something I could do to help you, I would do it in a heartbeat. I just want you to know that it's okay that you're upset. I know you're not upset with me, it's the situation. I'm glad we ran into each other. I was worried about you, and I feel better now that I've seen you." And you know, I kind of feel better about it after seeing her, too. Yes, she's fertile myrtle, and I'm not, but I can't let that come between us. She's my closest friend I have here in BR, and I don't want my infertility to be the elephant in the room everytime we're together. I really don't deserve to have a friend like her, but I sure am thankful that I do!!
So that's the skinny...we'll do another IUI and pray that this one works!!!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
It's Done!!!
I just got back from my IUI...it went well although it took a little longer than Dr. K thought. He said my uterus was a little tilted, and it was a hard. Makes me wonder if we were too late in doing the IUI, but at this point only time will tell. It wasn't too painful. I'm a little crampy right now, but nothing major.
The lab tech said J's SA was great. She said they normally like to see a post-wash of 10 mil, but J's was 55 mil! Woo Hoo!!! Go J!!!
Thought y'all might want to hear the conversation in the room before the IUI. It was really funny.
_______________________________________________________
Dr. K: Ready to make a baby?
Me: Yep, I've been ready.
Dr. K: This won't take long, and it's a fairly easy process. Now watch...I'll jinx myself and it'll be difficult. *Looks at SA from this morning* Tell J everything looks great! Concentration is great. Grade is excellent.
Nurse C: Are your toes wet or are they just cold?
Me: They're cold. J always complains about my cold feet.
Dr. K: So there's no snuggling going on, huh?
Me: No. We bought a king sized bed because J is always saying "Get your cold feet off me woman."
Everyone laughs
Dr K: Okay, relax. He inserts speculum and then laughs and says, "Get your cold feet off me woman." and then he laughs again.
*He starts the process but struggles a little.*
Dr. K: See, I jinxed myself. Normally I would have been done by now.
*He gets a different tool.*
Me: Momma always said I was hard headed.
Dr. K: Well I don't know about hard headed, but your cervix is definitely hard, and your cervix is a little tilted.
*He rearranges the speculum and inserts sperm.*
Dr. K: Now that's more like it. All done. Say a prayer, and tonight, get busy. Only God will know whether it was the IUI or the natural way that got you pregnant, but get busy as much as possible tonight. I better be getting good news in a couple weeks. *winks and shakes my hand*
______________________________________________________
Well, now I guess I'm in the 2ww...hoping to bring y'all some good news in a couple weeks!!!
The lab tech said J's SA was great. She said they normally like to see a post-wash of 10 mil, but J's was 55 mil! Woo Hoo!!! Go J!!!
Thought y'all might want to hear the conversation in the room before the IUI. It was really funny.
_______________________________________________________
Dr. K: Ready to make a baby?
Me: Yep, I've been ready.
Dr. K: This won't take long, and it's a fairly easy process. Now watch...I'll jinx myself and it'll be difficult. *Looks at SA from this morning* Tell J everything looks great! Concentration is great. Grade is excellent.
Nurse C: Are your toes wet or are they just cold?
Me: They're cold. J always complains about my cold feet.
Dr. K: So there's no snuggling going on, huh?
Me: No. We bought a king sized bed because J is always saying "Get your cold feet off me woman."
Everyone laughs
Dr K: Okay, relax. He inserts speculum and then laughs and says, "Get your cold feet off me woman." and then he laughs again.
*He starts the process but struggles a little.*
Dr. K: See, I jinxed myself. Normally I would have been done by now.
*He gets a different tool.*
Me: Momma always said I was hard headed.
Dr. K: Well I don't know about hard headed, but your cervix is definitely hard, and your cervix is a little tilted.
*He rearranges the speculum and inserts sperm.*
Dr. K: Now that's more like it. All done. Say a prayer, and tonight, get busy. Only God will know whether it was the IUI or the natural way that got you pregnant, but get busy as much as possible tonight. I better be getting good news in a couple weeks. *winks and shakes my hand*
______________________________________________________
Well, now I guess I'm in the 2ww...hoping to bring y'all some good news in a couple weeks!!!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Plan for Cycle 15
So the plan for this cycle is to keep the Clomid at 100mg, but this time we're going to try an IUI. I'm very nervous about the IUI, and according to my doctor it only ups my chances of getting pregnant by about 5%, but at this point in the game I'll take any increase in chances that I can get!
I thought J might have some issues with the IUI, but he was on board with it. He's been saying for a few weeks now that he thinks he needs an SA done, but my doctor seems to disagree seeing as how he's gotten me pregnant twice already. He asked if they would keep a sample to test it, and I said, "No babe, they're gonna put 'em all in there. There will be no swimmer left behind." lol (For those of you who are teachers, you'll appreciated that joke.)
I just love Dr. K. He's always so reassuring and supportive. He knows where I am because it took he and his wife a long time to conceive their baby. I asked him today when I needed to quit trying. He patted me on my leg and said, "Not yet." Hearing those words really calmed my spirit. He said, "I know you're tired because it has been over a year since you started trying, and your year has held a lot of drama, but I'm still putting my money on you having a child soon." Those words were music to my ears. I know he wasn't making any promises (and honestly, I'm glad he didn't make any promises), but the fact that he isn't counting me out as a lost cause really did make me feel a whole lot better.
I told Dr. K I had been worried about my temps, and he looked at me with this look, and I knew I was in trouble. He said, "Have you ever told me you were temping?" I said, "No." Then he said, "You'll never hear me say anything about BBT because it's just too unpredictable. Quit temping!" My response to that was, "I can't. I'm obsessive." He said, "Well obsess about quitting!" So I said, "How 'bout if I don't temp after I get a solid thermal shift." He shook his head and said, "Quit temping! It's not doing you any good." I laughed and he said, "See you in a couple weeks."
Wow, I can't believe we're moving on to IUI. Any and all IUI advice is greatly appreciated!!!
I thought J might have some issues with the IUI, but he was on board with it. He's been saying for a few weeks now that he thinks he needs an SA done, but my doctor seems to disagree seeing as how he's gotten me pregnant twice already. He asked if they would keep a sample to test it, and I said, "No babe, they're gonna put 'em all in there. There will be no swimmer left behind." lol (For those of you who are teachers, you'll appreciated that joke.)
I just love Dr. K. He's always so reassuring and supportive. He knows where I am because it took he and his wife a long time to conceive their baby. I asked him today when I needed to quit trying. He patted me on my leg and said, "Not yet." Hearing those words really calmed my spirit. He said, "I know you're tired because it has been over a year since you started trying, and your year has held a lot of drama, but I'm still putting my money on you having a child soon." Those words were music to my ears. I know he wasn't making any promises (and honestly, I'm glad he didn't make any promises), but the fact that he isn't counting me out as a lost cause really did make me feel a whole lot better.
I told Dr. K I had been worried about my temps, and he looked at me with this look, and I knew I was in trouble. He said, "Have you ever told me you were temping?" I said, "No." Then he said, "You'll never hear me say anything about BBT because it's just too unpredictable. Quit temping!" My response to that was, "I can't. I'm obsessive." He said, "Well obsess about quitting!" So I said, "How 'bout if I don't temp after I get a solid thermal shift." He shook his head and said, "Quit temping! It's not doing you any good." I laughed and he said, "See you in a couple weeks."
Wow, I can't believe we're moving on to IUI. Any and all IUI advice is greatly appreciated!!!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Just Got Back From the Doctor
Nothing new to report, although he offered to do an insemination (IUI) this month, but said he would like to put it off a few more cycles since I get pregnant so easily. He said he would do if I was getting antsy. I told him I was way past antsy, but that I could put it off one more cycle. So just 100mg Clomid this month, but he said if I decide at the last minute to do the IUI that I could call him the day I got a + ovulation test and he would do it 24-36 hours afterwards. I want to talk to J about it and see what he says. After all, every time word was brought up about him “making a deposit” either for a semen analysis (SA) or IUI I popped up pregnant so we’ll see if it works this time too.
I was pretty distraught to read the receipt after I checked out…infertility. Yep…I’m considered infertile. What a great way to start the day!! Hi everyone...I'm Janna and I'm infertile!
I was pretty distraught to read the receipt after I checked out…infertility. Yep…I’m considered infertile. What a great way to start the day!! Hi everyone...I'm Janna and I'm infertile!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Another Cycle...Blah Blah Blah
Well it's no surprise that AF showed today. With everything that happened last month I was actually glad to have that cycle come to an end. J and I decided to give it one more go on the Clomid. I guess we're just going to take it one cycle at a time.
I went in to see my doctor again, and the people at the front desk recognized that I had been there within the last 30 days. That just goes to show that I'm visiting my OB-Gyn WAYYYY too often. But Dr. K was nice as usual. He hugged me when he walked into the exam room. I could tell he truly felt sorry for me having to be there sitting on the table again. I'm so sick of the monthly exams. But what's a girl to do??? I want a kid so badly. I'm trying not to get bitter, but it's a hard struggle.
I went in to see my doctor again, and the people at the front desk recognized that I had been there within the last 30 days. That just goes to show that I'm visiting my OB-Gyn WAYYYY too often. But Dr. K was nice as usual. He hugged me when he walked into the exam room. I could tell he truly felt sorry for me having to be there sitting on the table again. I'm so sick of the monthly exams. But what's a girl to do??? I want a kid so badly. I'm trying not to get bitter, but it's a hard struggle.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
9w3d Ultrasound
I was told to come in fasting. Just in case. There we sat, in the very same chairs we sat in a week ago. Waiting. I looked at all the other women sitting in the waiting room. Some old, some young, some pregnant, some not, some with their spouse, others with friends. I longed to be blissfully happy and big, huge and pregnant.
When they called us back my heart sank. I knew there had been no changes. No good ones anyway. I was no longer nauseated. My breasts were no longer full and achy. This was all just a formality. This time we were crammed in a small, dark room for the ultrasound. We weren't in the nice spacious room with the color monitor and comfy chairs. Mom and J had to stand in the corner, and the only monitor in the room was the one that the technician had on the machine. Kind of made me feel like they knew the outcome already. Why waste the nice room on the woman who lost her baby?
The technician asked me if I was ready. Of course I wasn't, but I quietly replied, "yes." When she found the baby she immediately said, "There's the fetus, but there's still no heartbeat, Hon. I'm so sorry. This isn't a good pregnancy." At that I wanted to jump off the table and end the session, but she kept looking. For what, I don't know, but she looked at my ovaries again. They were still there. She measured my sac size, and it had gone down to 6w4d. Then she measured the baby's size. There had been no change. I had lost my baby. I had what they call a "missed abortion". Does it really have to be called a "missed abortion"? Why can't they call it a "missed miscarriage"?
We went straight in to see Dr. Kleinpeter. When he walked in he apologized and said he had hoped things would have turned out differently. He gave us the option of letting nature take it's course, but made sure to tell us he had no idea how long that would be, or I could have a D&C that afternoon since I came in fasting. I opted for the D&C. I just couldn't bear to wait any longer. I wanted this whole nighmare to be over! He made a few phone calls, and I was on the schedule for 1:00.
We went in to talk to the pre-op nurse. She was so incredibly nice. She told us all about the prodecure and what to expect in the days to come. She filled out all my paperwork, and then we were off to the out-patient surgical center for admissions, bloodwork and the D&C. It was all happening so fast.
They immediately put me in a room, and not long after I was bombarded with nurses wanting insurance information, others were poking and prodding to get my blood and put in the IV line. Then we were left alone to wait for them to come get me for the surgery. We tried to talk about other things, but there was still an elephant in the room...I had had another miscarriage.
The anesthesiologist came in and game me a little something to relax me. As they wheeled me out of the the room J and Mom both gave me a kiss on the forehead. Then they wheeled me in the operating room. Dr. Kleinpeter was waiting on me when I got there. He had just finished performing another D&C on another poor woman. Today just wasn't a good day for his patients. Country music was playing in the room, and I heard Dr. K singing. I can't recall the song, but I remember being surprised to hear him sing. He wasn't half bad. He came over, grabbed my hand and told me everything was going to be okay. Then the anesthesiologist put the mask on my face and told me to take deep breaths. I remember taking 3 breaths, and then the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room.
I was in a lot of pain when I woke up. I had bad cramps, and I felt a burning sensation. That, I learned, was from the catheter they used to drain my bladder before surgery. The nurse asked me if I was in pain. I told her I was so she gave me some pain meds through my IV. I asked her if it was over. She said, "yes" and patted my hand. I started to cry. I couldn't believe it. My baby was gone.
When they called us back my heart sank. I knew there had been no changes. No good ones anyway. I was no longer nauseated. My breasts were no longer full and achy. This was all just a formality. This time we were crammed in a small, dark room for the ultrasound. We weren't in the nice spacious room with the color monitor and comfy chairs. Mom and J had to stand in the corner, and the only monitor in the room was the one that the technician had on the machine. Kind of made me feel like they knew the outcome already. Why waste the nice room on the woman who lost her baby?
The technician asked me if I was ready. Of course I wasn't, but I quietly replied, "yes." When she found the baby she immediately said, "There's the fetus, but there's still no heartbeat, Hon. I'm so sorry. This isn't a good pregnancy." At that I wanted to jump off the table and end the session, but she kept looking. For what, I don't know, but she looked at my ovaries again. They were still there. She measured my sac size, and it had gone down to 6w4d. Then she measured the baby's size. There had been no change. I had lost my baby. I had what they call a "missed abortion". Does it really have to be called a "missed abortion"? Why can't they call it a "missed miscarriage"?
We went straight in to see Dr. Kleinpeter. When he walked in he apologized and said he had hoped things would have turned out differently. He gave us the option of letting nature take it's course, but made sure to tell us he had no idea how long that would be, or I could have a D&C that afternoon since I came in fasting. I opted for the D&C. I just couldn't bear to wait any longer. I wanted this whole nighmare to be over! He made a few phone calls, and I was on the schedule for 1:00.
We went in to talk to the pre-op nurse. She was so incredibly nice. She told us all about the prodecure and what to expect in the days to come. She filled out all my paperwork, and then we were off to the out-patient surgical center for admissions, bloodwork and the D&C. It was all happening so fast.
They immediately put me in a room, and not long after I was bombarded with nurses wanting insurance information, others were poking and prodding to get my blood and put in the IV line. Then we were left alone to wait for them to come get me for the surgery. We tried to talk about other things, but there was still an elephant in the room...I had had another miscarriage.
The anesthesiologist came in and game me a little something to relax me. As they wheeled me out of the the room J and Mom both gave me a kiss on the forehead. Then they wheeled me in the operating room. Dr. Kleinpeter was waiting on me when I got there. He had just finished performing another D&C on another poor woman. Today just wasn't a good day for his patients. Country music was playing in the room, and I heard Dr. K singing. I can't recall the song, but I remember being surprised to hear him sing. He wasn't half bad. He came over, grabbed my hand and told me everything was going to be okay. Then the anesthesiologist put the mask on my face and told me to take deep breaths. I remember taking 3 breaths, and then the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room.
I was in a lot of pain when I woke up. I had bad cramps, and I felt a burning sensation. That, I learned, was from the catheter they used to drain my bladder before surgery. The nurse asked me if I was in pain. I told her I was so she gave me some pain meds through my IV. I asked her if it was over. She said, "yes" and patted my hand. I started to cry. I couldn't believe it. My baby was gone.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
8w3d Ultrasound
Unlike most expectant parents I wasn't excited about this ultrasound it at all. I had little faith that anything had changed. I felt like I had this huge, wet blanket on my head that was weighing me down as I sat in the waiting room. I didn't want to go in there and see nothing. My heart was heavy.
We were quiet when we went in the ultrasound room. This time Mom was there too. As I laid there on the table I couldn't look at J or Mom. All I could do was stare up at the tv screen. The technician immediately found the gestational sac, but this time she said, "See that little white grain of rice? That's the fetus. But I'm still not seeing a heartbeat." She asked me to hold my breath so she could listen for the heartbeat, but all we heard was the echo of mine. Again I heard those words that have been playing in my head over and over again, "I'm sorry. This doesn't seem like a good pregnancy. There's a fetus there, but no heartbeat." Fetus? Why is she calling it a fetus? Why can't she call it what it is to me, a baby, instead of being all technical with her words? Does she think that if she says it's a baby that it might make this all the more real to me? This was real! My pain was real!
I could hear my mother crying next to J. I couldn't cry. I was too numb. I think J was trying to be strong for me, but I know he wanted to cry, too.
Again we were sent to another waiting room to wait for my doctor. When we went in we exchanged pleasantries, but our smiles were forced. Dr. K said there had been fetal growth so he couldn't in good conscience schedule a D&C. He said he wasn't optimistic, but he was more optimistic than he was after the first ultrasound. We would have to wait another week to see if our baby was just a slow developer. He apologized for putting us through the waiting game, but until he was 100% certain that this baby wouldn't make it he wasn't going to end the pregnancy.
I didn't know if I could make it another week.
We were quiet when we went in the ultrasound room. This time Mom was there too. As I laid there on the table I couldn't look at J or Mom. All I could do was stare up at the tv screen. The technician immediately found the gestational sac, but this time she said, "See that little white grain of rice? That's the fetus. But I'm still not seeing a heartbeat." She asked me to hold my breath so she could listen for the heartbeat, but all we heard was the echo of mine. Again I heard those words that have been playing in my head over and over again, "I'm sorry. This doesn't seem like a good pregnancy. There's a fetus there, but no heartbeat." Fetus? Why is she calling it a fetus? Why can't she call it what it is to me, a baby, instead of being all technical with her words? Does she think that if she says it's a baby that it might make this all the more real to me? This was real! My pain was real!
I could hear my mother crying next to J. I couldn't cry. I was too numb. I think J was trying to be strong for me, but I know he wanted to cry, too.
Again we were sent to another waiting room to wait for my doctor. When we went in we exchanged pleasantries, but our smiles were forced. Dr. K said there had been fetal growth so he couldn't in good conscience schedule a D&C. He said he wasn't optimistic, but he was more optimistic than he was after the first ultrasound. We would have to wait another week to see if our baby was just a slow developer. He apologized for putting us through the waiting game, but until he was 100% certain that this baby wouldn't make it he wasn't going to end the pregnancy.
I didn't know if I could make it another week.
Friday, January 5, 2007
7w5d ultrasound
We had waited for this day for so long! We were finally going to get to see our little bean! I was anxious, excited, scared, you name it, that's how I felt when we walked into the ultrasound room.
When the first images popped up on the screen I could see my gestational sac and a yolk sac, but I couldn't see our little bean. My heart skipped a beat. The technician kept looking and told us to relax a little while she checked my ovaries. I knew it had to be bad. Why wasn't I seeing our baby? By 7w5d you should be able to see the baby and little heartbeat flickering on the screen. After checking my ovaries she went back to look at my uterus, and again she couldn't find anything. I thought I was going to lose it right there on the table. Where was my baby? The technicial said that my gestational sac measure 7w5d, right on track. She said it was larger than 18mm, and certainly by the time it reaches that size we should be able to see the baby and the heartbeat. "Oh my God! We've had another miscarriage! This can't be happening!" was all that ran through my head.
The technician sent us to another waiting room so we could talk with our doctor. I couldn't do anything but sit there in disbelief. I didn't want to just lose it there in the waiting room so I laid my head on J's shoulder and quietly cried. I whispered to him, "It's not fair," and he gently rubbed my head and said, "I know, Honey, I know."
We went in to talk with Dr. K, and he prepared us for the worst. He wanted to wait a few more days and then do another ultrasound before making any decisions about a D&C, but he wasn't optimistic, and frankly neither was I. I just looked over at J with this, "Oh God, help me!" look, and he leaned over and grabbed my hand.
We walked out of the office with red eyes and empty hearts instead of with huge smiles on our faces and pictures of our baby in our hands.
When the first images popped up on the screen I could see my gestational sac and a yolk sac, but I couldn't see our little bean. My heart skipped a beat. The technician kept looking and told us to relax a little while she checked my ovaries. I knew it had to be bad. Why wasn't I seeing our baby? By 7w5d you should be able to see the baby and little heartbeat flickering on the screen. After checking my ovaries she went back to look at my uterus, and again she couldn't find anything. I thought I was going to lose it right there on the table. Where was my baby? The technicial said that my gestational sac measure 7w5d, right on track. She said it was larger than 18mm, and certainly by the time it reaches that size we should be able to see the baby and the heartbeat. "Oh my God! We've had another miscarriage! This can't be happening!" was all that ran through my head.
The technician sent us to another waiting room so we could talk with our doctor. I couldn't do anything but sit there in disbelief. I didn't want to just lose it there in the waiting room so I laid my head on J's shoulder and quietly cried. I whispered to him, "It's not fair," and he gently rubbed my head and said, "I know, Honey, I know."
We went in to talk with Dr. K, and he prepared us for the worst. He wanted to wait a few more days and then do another ultrasound before making any decisions about a D&C, but he wasn't optimistic, and frankly neither was I. I just looked over at J with this, "Oh God, help me!" look, and he leaned over and grabbed my hand.
We walked out of the office with red eyes and empty hearts instead of with huge smiles on our faces and pictures of our baby in our hands.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
