9w3d Ultrasound

I was told to come in fasting. Just in case. There we sat, in the very same chairs we sat in a week ago. Waiting. I looked at all the other women sitting in the waiting room. Some old, some young, some pregnant, some not, some with their spouse, others with friends. I longed to be blissfully happy and big, huge and pregnant.

When they called us back my heart sank. I knew there had been no changes. No good ones anyway. I was no longer nauseated. My breasts were no longer full and achy. This was all just a formality. This time we were crammed in a small, dark room for the ultrasound. We weren't in the nice spacious room with the color monitor and comfy chairs. Mom and J had to stand in the corner, and the only monitor in the room was the one that the technician had on the machine. Kind of made me feel like they knew the outcome already. Why waste the nice room on the woman who lost her baby?

The technician asked me if I was ready. Of course I wasn't, but I quietly replied, "yes." When she found the baby she immediately said, "There's the fetus, but there's still no heartbeat, Hon. I'm so sorry. This isn't a good pregnancy." At that I wanted to jump off the table and end the session, but she kept looking. For what, I don't know, but she looked at my ovaries again. They were still there. She measured my sac size, and it had gone down to 6w4d. Then she measured the baby's size. There had been no change. I had lost my baby. I had what they call a "missed abortion". Does it really have to be called a "missed abortion"? Why can't they call it a "missed miscarriage"?

We went straight in to see Dr. Kleinpeter. When he walked in he apologized and said he had hoped things would have turned out differently. He gave us the option of letting nature take it's course, but made sure to tell us he had no idea how long that would be, or I could have a D&C that afternoon since I came in fasting. I opted for the D&C. I just couldn't bear to wait any longer. I wanted this whole nighmare to be over! He made a few phone calls, and I was on the schedule for 1:00.

We went in to talk to the pre-op nurse. She was so incredibly nice. She told us all about the prodecure and what to expect in the days to come. She filled out all my paperwork, and then we were off to the out-patient surgical center for admissions, bloodwork and the D&C. It was all happening so fast.

They immediately put me in a room, and not long after I was bombarded with nurses wanting insurance information, others were poking and prodding to get my blood and put in the IV line. Then we were left alone to wait for them to come get me for the surgery. We tried to talk about other things, but there was still an elephant in the room...I had had another miscarriage.

The anesthesiologist came in and game me a little something to relax me. As they wheeled me out of the the room J and Mom both gave me a kiss on the forehead. Then they wheeled me in the operating room. Dr. Kleinpeter was waiting on me when I got there. He had just finished performing another D&C on another poor woman. Today just wasn't a good day for his patients. Country music was playing in the room, and I heard Dr. K singing. I can't recall the song, but I remember being surprised to hear him sing. He wasn't half bad. He came over, grabbed my hand and told me everything was going to be okay. Then the anesthesiologist put the mask on my face and told me to take deep breaths. I remember taking 3 breaths, and then the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room.

I was in a lot of pain when I woke up. I had bad cramps, and I felt a burning sensation. That, I learned, was from the catheter they used to drain my bladder before surgery. The nurse asked me if I was in pain. I told her I was so she gave me some pain meds through my IV. I asked her if it was over. She said, "yes" and patted my hand. I started to cry. I couldn't believe it. My baby was gone.