I'm on Cloud 9!!!

My post-op appointment went well today. When Dr. K walked into the room he asked me if I was mad at him when I woke up from my surgery. I said, "Honestly, I was a little mad, but not at you. Part of me wanted something to be wrong so I would have a reason why I wasn't getting pregnant again. But the other part of me was relieved." He said he understood, and it was natural to have those mixed emotions. He said he was glad he didn't find anything wrong because while the things that could have been wrong can be fixed, they often come back. So he said, "In this instance I didn't want to find anything wrong with you."

He showed me all the pictures from my lap (very cool...did you know your ovaries are white??). He told me everything looked beautiful in there. He said the only things that weren't quite right were my ovaries...classic PCOS, which he was expecting.

I have a good friend that's a dietician who works with diebetes patients, and she asked me a while back if Dr. K had me on glucophage (a.k.a. metformin, or met, for short). I told her no, but that I had asked for it, and Dr. K said he didn't want to go that route just yet because I had responded so well to the Clomid. Well I kind of fibbed today and told Dr. K that I was seeing a dietician to lose some weight, and she wanted me to ask him if he would consider putting me on glucophage. (I used the brand name this time to make it sound more official, but I was fully expecting to hear the same reasoning that I heard before.) But here's where he totally floored me...He said, "We can do another glucose test, and if you're even the slightest bit IR (insuline resistant) then I'll put you on it." Hmmmm, why didn't he do that 6 months ago when I first asked for the met??? It's really a moot point now, but I'm just so thrilled that he's going to at least move in that direction. I think it had to do with the whole "the dietician wanted me to ask" thing. I told him that I had been so good about cutting out all things white, all things sugary, I was working out regularly, watching my caloric and fat intake, etc...and the weight just wasn't coming off. I told him that I do lose a little weight (4-6 pounds), but then it just stops. It doesn't matter what I do, I just can't get the darn weight off. And he said, "Well based on what you're telling me it sounds like you do have some IR, so let's do the glucose test and then go from there." (Can you hear the angels singing???)

He asked me if I was ready to give it another go, and I told him I was going to be mad if he wasn't going to let me ttc this cycle. He said he didn't want me to take Clomid without the Met (if I needed it) until I had done the glucose test, so I'm going in on Friday to do the test, and hopefully he'll have the results before AF arrives (if she decides to pay me a visit). That way I can start the Met and Clomid next month!!

So then I told him that in the off chance that AF did pay me a visit it was going to be right in the middle of our anniversary trip to Jamaica. He said, "Oh, that's not good. I'll give you an Rx for Provera to try and induce AF before you leave because I want you having a good time on that trip. You need a good, relaxing vacation." He said it might not work, but it's worth trying so I'm not spending our anniversary trip crabby and uncomfortable.

I'm not going to let myself have even the slightest glimmer of hope that I am IR because we all know that getting my hopes up will only lead to heartbreak. So I'd rather be realistic and think that the universe couldn't possibly be so kind. That way I'm completely shocked if things happen to go my way.

Infertility Charm

A few weekend's ago my mom came to visit, and she bought me this charm...

It's called "Infertility, The Unopened Gift". And it came with a card that read,

Lord God, What will you give me, seeing I go childless?
Genesis 15:2

God gives to each many gifts. Some have been opened, while others remain unopened. Either way, God will provide the gift or gifts He has designed and created for you. He will give you the desire of your heart or remove the desire. Waiting is hard, but remember, God's timing is perfect.

Hear my prayer, O Lord God almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Look upon our shield O God; look with favor on your annoited one.
Psalm 84: 8-9

This tiny little gift box is a symbol that God has a special gift for you. You may not know what it is yet, but one day you will praise the Lord for the 'gift' from above.

When I read the card that came with the charm I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. I want to open this gift, but for some reason God's timing hasn't allowed me to do so. I feel like a child before Christmas staring longingly at all the gifts under the tree. I have this desire to grab the gift and open it, but I know that I can't because it's not time. It's so hard to be patient, and I don't like it at all, but in the end I know this isn't my journey to write. I just have to patiently wait for God to hand me the gift on the perfect day that He has planned and give me permission to open it. Much like we all do on Christmas morning.

I do believe that God will give me the desire of my heart to become a mom. I just don't know how. Will he remove the desire to become a mother to J's child if it's not His will for that to happen? I certainly hope so because this longing that fills my soul is so strong. I hope that at that perfect time God will hand me the gift and have me open it, but if not, I know that God will take care of me and see me through the process of mourning my infertility before we move on to adoption. But in the meantime I pray every day that I can open this precious gift. And friends, I pray that for you as well!!! And for those of you who have already been given this precious gift to open, I celebrate with you!!

If you'd like to order this charm click here. They also have an adoption charm called "The Chosen Hand".

CONGRATULATIONS are in order!!!!

Please go by and give Farah a little love!!! She got her long-awaited BFP!!!

Can I PLEASE Get a Break???

Disclaimer: If you don't want to read about my GI tract issues you might want to skip today's entry.

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Now...diarrhea. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was constipated post surgery so I took a laxative, then I got a stomach bug (though now I'm questioning if it was a stomach bug at all) with diarrhea so I took Imod.ium, then I was constipated again so I took a laxative which results in yesterday's diarrhea. I had to take the Imod.ium last night just to get some relief so I'm fully expecting constipation again. Can a girl get a break for a while???

I went to Dr. Goo.gle yesterday, and found several sites that said constipation and diarrhea were common after effects of a lap. They said it had something to do with the fact that you were being poked on in the area of the bowels and it sometimes takes a few days to get back on track. But it's over a week later!!!! I'm ready to be feeling better!!!! So, I'm calling Dr. K (I'm going back to his original nickname since J doesn't like the Dr. Wonderful reference) to ask if this is common or if there's possibly something else going on.

I'll update later...I know y'all probably REALLY don't want to hear about my digestive system/ GI tract, so I certainly won't be offended if you don't check back for updates.

Update: Dr. K said to take Fibercon. So off I go to Wal.greens to buy MORE stuff to fix my tummy woes!! ;o)

So Uncomfortable

Disclaimer: If you don't want to read about my GI tract issues you might want to skip today's entry.

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I'm bloated and crampy...yes, folks, I'm constipated! Is this a side effect of the lap??? I took a laxative last night before going to bed...nada this morning. UGH!!!!

A funny thing about the laxatives though...I sent J to the store early Saturday morning for nausea meds, laxatives, and diarrhea meds because I just wasn't sure what I needed. I just knew I felt horrible. Turns out Saturday I needed the nausea and diarrhea meds. So I put the laxatives away for another time. Well, I needed them last night, so when I took them out of our medicine cabinet I looked at them, and they were chocolate bars! I was so shocked. I had never seen chocolate laxative bars. I had only seen them in pill form. So I talked to J about it, and he'd only seen them that way. He'd never seen them in pill form. We had a good laugh.

YAWN...

I really don't have much to say since I'm not really cycling this month. But I am so tired. I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I stayed home from work today, but the thing is...as tired as I am, I can't sleep!!!

But in more exciting news...

19 DAYS UNTIL I'M HERE...

...DOING THIS...

...AND DRINKING THESE...

...ahhhhh, sounds so wonderful!!!!!

Whew!!!

So I think the worst is over! But I gotta tell ya...a stomach virus is NEVER fun, but having it hit 2 days after having surgery is the WORST!!! Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!

GI Bug + Surgery Pain = A Miserable Weekend

Thursday I was feeling okay. Not great so I was still needing pain meds, but I was doing okay. Then yesterday morning I took a pain pill on an empty stomach. Not good. I quickly got something in my tummy, and I was better for a while, but the nausea persisted all day long. Then this morning at 1:00 AM I was in horrible pain. Not surgery pain, but that sick GI pain. It was a cross between nausea and diarrhea pain. I spent the whole night in the bathroom. But of course, and this is TMI here, I couldn't strain because of the stitches so I just had to sit. Then I'd start to get nauseated and I'd have to throw up. Then I'd get that icky gurggly stomach...it was an endless cycle. Oh my God, I was miserable. FINALLY at about 5:00 this morning I got to sleep (after sending J on a 3:30 Wal.green's run for Imodi.um AD and Eme.trol.) I'm still nauseated, but I've at least gotten some mashed potatoes down and kept it down. I just want to feel better...

Thinking of Changing the Name of My Blog...

...to "Reproductively Challenged"!! What do you think??? (Can you tell I'm hyped up on pain killers???)

Thanks for being so sweet to J for standing in for me. Funny thing was, he was hollering at me from the office to ask me if what he said was okay. Of course I was still half asleep, but found what he said to be perfect.

He's been such a great nurse. I'm so blessed!!!

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes! They mean the world to me!!!

I'm headed back to the couch. I just know J has set up a camera somewhere to watch my every move and make sure I don't do too much today. HA HA!!

TTYS!!

Lap Results

Bed-Rest Nazi (who is not amused by that name! :o) ) reporting for Janna:

I talked to "Dr. Wonderful" (not sure what I think about that name either!) after Janna's lap. He said everything was fine...no scarring, no endo, etc. The only abnormality was the PCOS, which we've known about for quite some time.

All good news, although I know Janna was hoping for a tell-tale sign that would explain why we aren't getting PG post D&C. I kinda agree, but I'm mostly just glad that she's okay and there aren't further complications. Whatever the desired outcome, it is definitely better to know than to worry and speculate.

Nothing against you all, but I hope I don't have to substitute blog any more. And if I do, I hope it's because Janna is on bed rest because she's PG.

Best of luck,
J

A Little Anxious

I had my pre-op appt. today, and I got to talk to Dr. Wonderful for a while. He said he doesn't expect to find anything major like endo or fibroids, so he thinks everything will go smoothly. But I'm hoping he'll at least find a little something so we'll know what's been keeping me from getting pregnant again.

We have to be at the hospital at 5AM...UGH!!! I'll have J log on to update y'all when we get home. He's the bed rest nazi so I know he won't let me update y'all myself. *picture me rolling my eyes*

TTYS!!!

Today is October 15th

To most people the 15th of October is just another day. But to someone who has lost a baby October 15th is a day set aside by the government as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

For those of you who have suffered through a pregnancy or infant loss I just wanted all of you to know that I am remembering you and your precious little ones today. I said a special prayer of comfort for you today.

And for those of you who have never had to experience the deepest form of loss there is, I pray that you never will. Please remember the women in your life who have lost their precious babies. If you want to know more about how you can remember your friends in a special way, visit http://www.october15th.com/.

AF is Coming! AF is Coming!

Woo Hoo!! I started spotting yesterday, and this morning I started cramping so she should be here soon!!! Now...onto the lap!!!!
Correction at 1:30 PM: Make that...AF is Here!!!! Yippee!!!

I Have the BEST Doctor in the WORLD!!!!

Woo Hoo...my surgery is Wednesday!!! As in Oct. 16th, Wednesday!!! The pre-op nurse called a little bit ago, and said that Dr. K (now known as Dr. Wonderful) called the hospital himself to schedule it, and then he moved some of his patients around so I could have the surgery next week!!!!! The nurse kept saying, "You need to tell Dr. Wonderful 'thank you, thank you, a million times thank you' for doing this. Most doctors wouldn't do this. And they certainly wouldn't do it themselves."

I'm just praising God for this because it's COMPLETELY His doing!!! I'm so freaking excited!!!! Now please pray that AF shows early next week...heck, I'll even take her visit this weekend!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHH

Well girls...I can't get in to have the lap until the last week of Nov. The OR's at the hospital are full until then. So unless my doctor can pull some strings I have to sit out this month, November, and December. I'm so pissed off!!! The pre-op nurse was going to talk to my doctor to see what he wanted to do. Hopefully (and I'm praying really hard) he'll find a way to get me in sooner. So much for increased fertility after an HSG.

HSG Results Part 2

I just got off the phone with Nurse C, and she said that Dr. K found some adhesions that needed to be removed, and he was suggesting having a laproscopy done. Nurse C said that Dr. K still wanted to talk to me, but he's on call and at the hospital right now. So he would try to call me back tonight or tomorrow to talk about it in more detail.

Now I'm freaked out! Any and all laproscopy experiences are needed!!!!!!!!!

Update...
I just talked with my doctor, and he thinks the reason I haven't gotten pregnant again is because of the scarring. He said he would have his pre-op nurse call me to get it scheduled. He wants to do it early in the cycle so he knows I'm not pregnant, but we're not going to be able to try that cycle. He said we would have to wait until the next cycle (if the lap wasn't too invasive.)

I'm a Working Woman Again

Since we moved here to BR I haven't used my education degree, but I did hold a job at a small family owned jewelry store for a few months helping them get all their inventory into the computer. But I quit working there because the owner's mother was driving me insane. So for the last year and a half I've been a SAHW. I do a couple of volunteer jobs once a week, and today one of those turned into a paying job three days a week. I will be working at the Baptist Collegiate Ministry at LSU.

There are plenty of good things about this job...
1. It will give us extra money to pay for fertility treatments-this is really the main reason why I took the job. We've been pulling from our savings each month to cover what we didn't have built into our budget. Now we won't have to do that! Praise the Lord!!!
2. It's flexible-that's the BEST part. I was very open with the director and told him we were going through fertility treatments so there would be times when I would have to make last minute appointments and might have to miss an hour or two here and there, and he was totally fine with it.
3. It will force me to spend less time on the computer during the day-I spend entirely too much of my day on the computer. And then I scurry around the house trying to get everything done in a couple of hours that I should have throughout the day.
4. The lack of time at home will force me to prioritize chores, errands, workouts, and again...computer time.
5. Meals are provided-yes, you read that right! I get lunch provided for free!! But then again I guess that could also be a "con"...it's not exactly on the diet plan. I have to just eat what's prepared or take my own. Hmmm, maybe I need to rethink that part. I should probably take my lunch every day so I can stay on my diet.

But the one thing that I'm really going to miss is my morning workouts. I have gotten so disiplined about working out, and now I'm going to have to find time in my evenings to go workout. And you know, that really sucks (for a couple of reasons)...
1. I'll have to workout alone-if I go in the mornings I can work out with MW.
2. It will make my evenings more hectic-leave work, head to the gym, run home and get dinner started, etc...

Now, I know I really do sound like a spoiled brat, and let's face it...I am a spoiled brat! Let's just kick that elephant right out of the room. I know that PLENTY of you work full time, manage to get to the gym, and still have time in the evenings with the family. But I know me quite well, and the first thing that's going to be tossed out of the schedule is the gym time. Case in point...My first year of teaching I was single, still living at home with Mom, so I joined Ball.ly's with a friend. It was on my way home from work, but I NEVER went. I made time to get to the tanning salon, but not the gym so that was a HUGE waste of money. Then, after J and I married I joined Cur.ves because there was one on my way home from school...again, a BIG waste of money because I went *MAYBE* once a week (and quite honestly, I don't even think I averaged once a week.) I went faithfully during the summer, but missed quite frequently during the school year.

I know, I know...suck it up, put my big girl panties on and deal with it! This job really is a HUGE blessing. I'll only be working Monday-Wednesday. On Thursdays I'll still have the other volunteer job to do, and Fridays I'll have all day to run errands, do the laundry, get the house cleaned, and catch up on blogs, etc... It's not as bad as working 8-5 five days a week, but I've gotten quite used to my free time, so this is really going to be an adjustment for me. But, it will definitely help us financially, and that's the whole point.

Factoids

I was tagged by R&R to tell 8 interesting facts about myself...this might be hard, but I'll try to come up with things that most of you don't know about me.

1. I played softball for 9 years as a kid and was picked up to play on 2 tournament teams after the regular season ended. The first one as a first grader for the "Ladybugs", and the second as an 8th grader for the "Tex-Ans". When I was on the Tex-Ans we won the Metro Tournament and went to the National Tournament in Richland, Washington. And it was there that I broke my left ankle sliding into second base. Three days later we returned to Houston where I had surgery to try and fix my growth plate. Fun times!!!

2. I am the product of a music teacher so I have been singing since I was pretty much able to talk. In high school I tried out for the Texas All-State choir my Soph, Jr, and Sr years, and I made it my Jr and Sr years. The try-outs for the region, area and all-state choirs are actually my fondest memories of high school.

3. I am scared to death of heights. I will ride roller coasters and ride to the top of a needle, but I HATE looking over the side to see how high up I am. I've never gotten sick, but my stomach feels like it's turning flips if I have to look down. Ugh! I just hate heights!!

4. I have a horrible fear that J and I are going to be killed in a car accident. I don't know why I have this fear or where it came from, but every time we get into the car for a long trip I say tons of prayers for protection.

5. I am an organ donor because my dad died while waiting for a heart transplant when I was a sophomore in college. Because of that, when it was time for me to do the persuasive speech in speech class I talked about organ donation. I was so excited that several people in the class filled out organ donation cards after my speech.

6. Growing up I was always overweight. In college I lost 53 pounds and got down to a size 8. I didn't stay in a size 8 for long because I LOVE food. In 2001 I decided that I just couldn't stand to be fat anymore so I worked my butt off and lost 68 pounds. On the day that J and I married I weighed 119 pounds. Unfortunately I've gained it all back because I got lazy and quit working out. Once again I'm to the point where I just can't stand to be the way that I am anymore so I joined the Y last year. I've been working out faithfully for a year and a half, but I have yet to lose much weight. I'm beginning to think that I'm supposed to be overweight. I hate battling my weight...it SUCKS!!! I really wish I could be happy with who I am no matter what I weigh.

7. I hate to drink water. It's like pulling teeth to get me to drink it. I think the only times I've ever craved water was when I was pregnant and when I'm working out. Other than that, it's D.iet Co.ke and Caffeine Free D.iet Co.ke.

8. I'm a girly girl who likes to shop, scrapbook, wear jewelry and buy designer bags. BUT I also LOVE football, volleyball and softball, and sports tend to bring out the tom-boy in me. So sometimes I feel like I don't fit in with the girly girls or the tom-boys. That was always hard for me as a kid.

So now it's your turn Betsy, Chris, and Kim.

In cycle news...just chuggin' along in the 2ww. No thoughts either way...

I'm Ba-ack!!!

Hey girls...I'm finally back home! The trip was awesome!!!! I miss the weather...cool, no humidity, absolutely beautiful. It was hard to step off the plane here and feel the humidity slap you in the face.

I think I o'd, but I don't think it was a strong one. Our timing was GREAT...just a "wait and see" game now. I realized when I got to the hotel in Canada that I had forgotten to pack my FertilityBlend. Guess it's a good thing...that stuff makes me nauseated. While I was gone my doctor (not his nurse) called and told me to call him so we could discuss my HSG results and figure out what to do next. That kind of makes me nervous...he and the radiologist both said everything looked good the day of my HSG. He's since gotten the radiologist's report so I'm wondering if he found something later or if this is just a formality. We decided the day of the HSG that we would see what happened with this cycle, and if it didn't work then we would go back to the old routine until Jan. Now, I'm not sure if that's the plan or not. When I get to talk to my doctor I'll let y'all know!

I really missed you guys!!! I have a lot of catching up to do!!!!

Quick Update From Canada

This is going to have to be quick because they charge an arm and a leg for computer time here at the hotel. So please excuse the typos. No time to edit. Anyway...O confirmed this morning with huge temp jump.

We went to dinner with a few of his co-workers last night. There was one other woman there, and when she ordered a non-alcoholic drink I knew something was up. Later in the conversation she works in that "she's expecting". Geez, I can't even leave the country and get away from the pregnancy announcements. But seeing as how this was my first time to meet this woman I kindly congratulated her. But inside I was reeling!

Funny story about our trip over here. (I know, I'm going out of order, but I'm having to type as fast as I can, and well...things are popping up everywhere about what I need to talk about. I know it's hard, but try to stay with me!) Back to the story...when we got to Houston we got to the terminal that our flight to Toronto was leaving from, and J ran into a guy who works at the Beaumont plant. He was on his way to Toronto as well. In the course of the conversation he starts talking about his family, and then surprised the heck out of me when he openly said, "We have 3 kids, and 2 of them are here thanks to fertility treatments." Nothing had been said about us going through IF at that point, but when he brought it up J started talking about our journey. He gave me the name of a book that their doctor in Houston had written. Sorry don't have the name right now, but J has it. I'll have to post it when we get back in the states.

Okay, well I guess I should go. J is going to freak when he sees how long I've been on the computer. But I just couldn't stay away. I haven't been able to read everyone's blogs, so I'll have a lot of catching up to do when we get home!!

Miss y'all!!!