IUI #2

I got my + OPK this morning (and again this afternoon because I'm anal, obsessed, need more validation, etc...). J's appt with the lab is at noon, and my appt for the IUI is at 1:00. For those that are the praying type...we'd appreciate the prayers!!

Dr. K is off tomorrow so I have to see another doctor in the practice. I've never met Dr. P, but MW says she's nice. I kind of hate that I get to meet her the day of my IUI. I kind of feel like a tramp having her do this procedure the first time we've met! Ha Ha!

Wish us luck!!!!

I'm Humbled

I just wanted to say thank you to all you wonderful ladies who commented on my last entry. I think you all had such insightful things to say on the punishment for sins point I made. All my life I've been told that we are punished for our sins, but I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that infertility was my punishment. Like many of you, I just don't think that's so. I think that God is more gracious than that. But when our SS teacher brought up the punishment for sins I couldn't help but think about it my infertility.

I have so much to learn about God's character. And I've got a lot to learn about how to deal with my infertility and not let it consume my every thought. Right now it's all I think about because so many people around me are pregnant. I wish I could focus on my wonderful life with J and all the blessings that God has given me throughout my life. I want to be happy with my life, but I feel so incomplete without children. And I know that kills J. That's my struggle...I love J with every ounce of my being. He's the most wonderful man I have ever met. And I feel so blessed to be married to him. He loves me for me, and he's loved me whether I weighed 120 pounds or 188 pounds. He's an amazing man. So why isn't that enough? Why is a life with the man I love not enough for me? My heart breaks because I don't feel like I'm giving J all of me, but I feel like he's giving me all of himself. I want to feel complete. I want J to know that if we never have children that I will be content and at peace with our lives. But how can I promise him that if all I want is someone else's fertile life?

J said he watched Kel.lie Coff.ey's video "I Would Die For That". I said, "You cried, didn't you?" He replied, "Yeah, I did." I wanted so much to say, "You know, I feel exactly like she does. I'm struggling with the fact that I'm not happy with my life because I feel incomplete without children. Here I have you as my husband, and it's just not enough for me." But I couldn't tell him. I couldn't do that to him. But in all honesty, I think he knows that's how I feel. He's a very perceptive guy so I think the fact that I put the video on my MySpace page led him to believe I identified with her. And I think that kills him. He's also a guy that wants to fix things that are wrong, and he can't figure out how to fix this for me, and that bothers him so much.

I feel like because of my infertility that J has lost a part of me. And you know, I'm to the point where I want the old me back. I've got to find some way to come to terms with this and be at peace with the life I've been given. I can't keep living like this because it's not truly living. I used to be this vibrant person with a bubbly personality who found the best in everyone. Now I'm bitter and angry, and I don't want to be like this anymore. I used to see things for how they could be, and now I see things for what they're lacking. I want to be happy for people again when they tell me they're pregnant. I used to be the first to offer to give them a baby shower. I used to offer to make their shower invitations, and now I dread getting invitations in the mail and I try to come up with all these excuses not to go. I want to be whole again.

I don't want to blame God for this anymore. It's just not healthy, and I'm just not me anymore. I don't believe infertility is God's making. I believe it's completely Satan's doing, and he's loving how I'm responding to my circumstances. He's loving that I'm blaming God for this instead of him. I've got to stop blaming God, and start asking Him to fill my soul with peace and comfort. I know God has a plan for me, and I need to be seeking His plan and not wallowing in the fact that my plan isn't panning out. I know that once I allow God's peace to flood my soul that I will be free of all this bitterness and anger. I know that joy comes in the morning, and although the times are tough I can still be joyful about the life I DO have rather than focusing on the life I wish I had. This road isn't going to be easy, and I know I'll have moments when I stumble back into this old way of thinking, but I have to keep pressing on! I have to find a way to be content with the life God has given me with J and our furbabies.

Family Woes

J's annoying dad has invited he and his new wife here this weekend. We have issues with this man...he left J's mother after 29 years of marriage because he wasn't getting enough sex. WTH??? For me, that's kind of creepy. He knew this woman before he divorced J's mom, and MIL knew her as well. They all work at the same place, and a few times a week would all eat lunch together. So anyway, after the divorce was final it took my FIL a whole 8 months to marry this woman...but he swears nothing was going on while he was married. Yeah, right. Did I mention that he's a former Baptist pastor??? FIL is delusional. He thinks everyone is okay with what he did. J's siblings don't have anything to do with him, and when BIL got married, he was invited to the ceremony, but he wasn't allowed to bring new wife, and he wasn't allowed to stay for the reception or be in any of the pictures. This was pretty soon after the divorce so BIL didn't want his mom to have to be around his dad. 'Cuz FIL would have tried to talk to MIL as if nothing had happened. That's how delusional he really is. When SIL graduated from college, again he wasn't allowed to bring new wife. He was even invited to come to BIL's house for ice cream afterwards, but he chose to bring new wife and stay in the shadows. He didn't even try and find SIL to tell her congrats. How selfish!!! SIL was understandably upset. Does that sound like everyone is okay with the situation to you? *rolls eyes* FIL even calls J's mom on occasion. WTH??? She doesn't want to hear from you, you moron! *sigh* I digress.

So, FIL has been really pushy about coming to see us since we moved to BR, and we've been rather evasive...we're not unpacked, we're remodeling, I just had a m/c (that's a whole other story in itself*), DH is really busy with work, etc. We've never invited them, and we've put them off about coming to see us, so why can't he get the hint that we don't want them coming here?

Here's what I'm so mad about...so to manipulate us, FIL calls and says, "We're going to be in Baton Rouge this weekend. Can we get together for dinner?"

Ummmm, who comes to BR for a trip??? Wouldn't New Orleans be more of a destination place??? They have no other reason to come to BR other than to see us. That just chaps me that he's backed us into a corner.

Anyway, he's wormed his way into visiting, and as you can probably tell I'm NOT happy about it. I told DH that after dinner he's going to want to come see the house, and the he'll probably say, "You know, it's late. Can we just stay the night with you guys?"

All you-know-what is going to hit the fan if he pulls that stunt!! I'm not washing the sheets in the guest room for that very reason. I want to use that as an excuse for them not staying.

I should have my IUI tomorrow afternoon, possibly Friday morning, and if it's Friday morning, I'm not going to be feeling very well for dinner on Saturday. I cramped and was under the heating pad for 2 days with the IUI last cycle. (Of course that could be b/c Dr. K had a little trouble with my cervix cooperating. But that's neither here nor there. I still cramped for 2 days, and I don't know if it's going to be the same this time or not.) This is really immature, but I told DH that I was planning on making them feel pretty uncomfortable by not talking much. I want them to know that it's not okay to manipulate us to get what you want.
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*If you're interested in knowing about the story about how FIL reacted to my m/c then keep reading. If not, feel free to move on!! *winks*
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So I had a m/c and D&C back in January. We called MIL and told her about the D&C, so to be nice she calls and leaves a message with FIL about it. So here I am, back home and in bed the day of my D&C, and FIL calls and wants to talk to me.

J politely says, "She's on pain meds and she's finally sleeping. It's not a good time."

So then FIL says, "We're coming to see you guys tomorrow."

Ummm, what??

J again politely says, "Dad, it's not a good time. Janna doesn't want anyone here but me and her mom. Plus, we don't have anywhere for y'all to sleep."

To which FIL replies, "That's okay, we'll stay in a hotel."

So J gets a little more forceful, "Dad, we don't want you to come. We need time to grieve, and we need to do this on our own. Janna's mom is leaving in the morning to give us some time to ourselves. Please, don't come."

FIL finally concedes, but says that he's going to call and check on us...needless to say we just let it go to voicemail.

This man is just so pushy. And the fact that he thinks we're okay with him leaving J's mom and marrying so soon after the divorce is just preposterous. I mean, we've just gone through possibly the most horrible event in our lives, and FIL thinks that we want him staying with us??? We weren't in any condition emotionally to entertain guests. My mom was here, but she was cooking and cleaning and doing things that I wasn't capable of handling at the time.

So fast forward to August 20th. The 18th was my edd, and it was a horrible week for us, me mainly, but that's okay.

FIL calls and says, "I just wanted to call and tell you I remembered that your baby would have been due a couple days ago."

I actually thought it was nice of him to remember, but here's what ruined that moment...he says "Do you want to talk about it?"

Ummm, no. I'm not talking about it much with J, so why would I want to talk about it with you? (I didn't say that to him. I just paused in surprise and said, "No, that's okay.")

That's just how he is. He has to put himself in the situation to make himself feel important and to draw attention to himself. He's your typical type A personality.

You would think the conversation would end with me saying no to talking about it, but nooooooo. He kept prying. He wanted to know how we were doing, if we were handling things okay.

I answered with a short, "We're doing okay," and then I shot a look to J that said, "HELP!!"

There was an awkward silence, and before FIL had a chance to ask any other personal questions I said, "Do you want to talk to J?"

FIL said, "No, just wanted to talk to you. I guess I'll go, but if you want to talk about it, I'm here. We're thinking about you both, and we love you."

"Thank you. Bye"

I do love my FIL, but I don't respect him anymore. And if I've lost respect for you, you're going to have to work really hard to earn that respect back. It's not going to come back on it's own over time. But the way FIL believes that we're okay with what he's done is just so strange to me. I just don't get it.

So those are my family woes...care to share your own???

Calgon, Take Me Away

I just can't seem to get away from pregnancy/baby talk. So you know about my friend MW who's pregnant. Well there is a new couple at church that we've started hanging with a little, and she's pregnant.

Last Sunday the SS lesson was on hope during the hard times. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I've lost all hope of ever having a child of our own.

This morning my friend L had her new baby in SS because there wasn't anyone in the nursery. It took all I had in me to keep from staring at little B. He's just so adorable. I kept wishing I had a baby to bring to class.

Today's SS lesson was on suffering, and the teacher gave several reasons for why we suffer. And one of the reasons was that God was allowing us to suffer because of the sin in our lives. I've struggled with this for a long time. Is God allowing me to suffer with infertility because of some sin that I've committed? So of course that's all I thought about during the lesson. I kept racking my brain to come up with the worst sin that I've committed that could have been the cause of my infertility suffering. I came up with a few things that I've done wrong, but I couldn't come up with a reason for the infertility as a punishment. It just doesn't seem fair.

Then today during the sermon the preacher was preaching on reaching out to our neighbors and he played a video of a skit. The jist of it was that a new neighbor moved in (pregnant, of course) who was bed ridden because of preterm labor. The woman talked about how lonely she was because she knew no one, but she couldn't get out to meet anyone because she was on bed rest. The neighbor across the street wanted to go over and meet the new neighbor, but something always came up that prevented her from going over there. And she only saw the man around so she thought it was a bachelor living in the house until one day she saw a blue stork in the yard. So she finally went over and brought the woman a meal. But the kicker was when our pastor at the end of his sermon was talking about giving things to God. And so he started giving examples for people who were in different stages of life. His example for the newly married...those who were contemplating whether or not to have children. (Of course.) He was trying to get across that everyone, no matter what stage of life we're in, has struggles. That's our common thread, and when times are difficult we're supposed to give it to God. As if I hadn't already done that. But he acted like once we give it to God that everything would just be grand because we didn't have to worry anymore. It would be so easy to not worry about my infertility if I wasn't always bombarded with pregnancy/baby talk!! That's my problem. I just want to get away from all this. I don't want to worry about whether or not I'll ever be a mother or J will ever be a father. I've given my hopes and dreams and my hurts over to God so many times, but when it's constantly in my face it's hard to forget. I just want a break!!! What does a girl have to do to get away from this?

Ayayay...

It's CD11, and I stupidly took an OPK yesterday, just one day after finishing this round of Clom.id. It was very dark. Now I'm worried...is it because of the Clom.id that it's dark, or am I O'ing early? My gut tells me I'm not O'ing this early, but when you have a very dark OPK staring you in the face it's rather nerve-wracking. I checked CP (high, medium firmness, medium opening). I check CM (creamy). I'm not having the heavy O pains either, so all of these things give me a little more confidence that I'm not O'ing early, but still...why, oh why did I take the OPK yesterday? I don't normally start them until CD12. I start doing the monitor sticks on CD10, but I don't start the OPK's until CD12. I took another OPK this morning to see if it was lighter than yesterdays because if it was, then it would give me a pretty clear answer if it was the Clom.id. But it was darker. (It figures.) Guess we'll BD tonight to cover our bases. Ay-ay-ay...this is so frustrating!!!!

I found this info, so it gives me hope that I just tested too early...

Q: Does Clomid cause problems with OPKs?

A: Clomid (Serophene/clomiphene citrate) can cause a false positive in OPKs if taken too soon after finishing the prescription. According to most of the manufacturers you should wait at least 3 days before using an OPK. If you take Clomid days 3-7 you can begin testing on day 10. If you take it 5-9, you should wait until day 12.

And I found this on another site...

Q: Can Clomid Interfere with OPK Test Results?

A: Clomiphene Citrate (Clomid/Serophene) can interfere with ovulation test results - generally in the form of a "false positive". However, clomid generally causes a false positive only if you perform an ovulation test too soon after taking the clomid - or too early in your cycle. Most drug manufacturers suggest you should not start testing with the ovulation predictor kit until several days after you finish the last dose of clomid/clomiphene.

So I'm going to take these sites at their word and just believe that I've tested too soon, and I'm getting false positives. Lord, please let them be false positives!!!!

Trying So Hard

This sign is so true, but it's so hard to not become a bitter bi-yach when the journey to have a baby seems to come so easily for everyone I know IRL except me. I try really hard not to be bitter. I really do. I try to think about the good things that have happened as a result of my ttc journey. I try to envision us bring home our little baby. But then I start thinking about the fact that I have PCOS, and how I don't ovulate, and how I'm having to take this evil Clo.mid just to make my body do what it's supposed to do. Then that leads to thoughts about the two babies we've lost. It's just so hard to stay positive and hopeful when everyone around me gets pregnant just by looking at their significant other while I sit here 20 months into our ttc journey with no child in my arms and one not in sight.

How do I keep from becoming a bitter infertile? Is there a way to prevent it? I've prayed that God would use my journey for good, but I just don't see it happening. Maybe it's not meant for me to see. I don't know. But I do know that my heart is heavy, and I can feel myself getting more and more bitter the longer it takes us. I don't want to become "that woman" who couldn't have kids and can't find any good in anything because of all the bitterness in her heart. I want to be happy and hopeful again. I just don't know how! Any suggestions???

UPDATE...please take the time to go congratulate Beth...she got her BFP tonight!! I'm so happy for her!!!

Our Little Angel

We miss you so much Little One. I should be holding you, and snuggling with you, and doing all the things that Mommy's should do for their newborn. But you aren't here. You are safe in the arms of Jesus, and I will see you again some day. We love you so much...

Love, Mommy and Daddy

Thought You'd Be Here

Tomorrow is my EDD for our second little one. I've been very emotional this week though today I'm at peace about it. I know that my little one is in Heaven waiting on me.

I found these lyrics on FF this morning, and I wanted to share them with you. I know that so many of us feel this way. We thought we'd have our little ones here with us by now. I tried to find a video or recording of the song online, but I haven't had any luck. Then I tried to add the song from my computer, but I can't figure out how to do it. Actually I'd love to make a playlist of all the songs I've been listening to this week that have helped calm my restless heart. If anyone knows how, please let me know!!!

Thought You'd Be Here
By Wes King

We thought you'd be here by now your Mother and I
We're praying through our tears that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited too long?
It's getting harder to be strong?
Is there something we've done wrong?

But if you like dancing
I'll make it rain rhythm and rhyme and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your Mother will make your imagination run wild
Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you, upstairs
It's right down the hall
So we'll be close should you ever get scared
We'll come when you call
It's a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold

And if you like laughing
I'll paint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your Mother will fly you to worlds both far and near
Somehow....

I never knew the silence could make me so deaf
I never knew that I could miss someone I never met
Miss someone I haven't met yet

We'll be waiting

My Monthly Appt.

So I had yet another" I'm not pregnant, give me more Clomid" appointment today. The first thing that nurse K said when she saw me was, "Did you get your hair colored since we saw you last? Ha Ha...if she only knew!!! Does the fact that she noticed my hair color change mean that I'm in there too often? Does this mean they need to be added to my Christmas card list?

When Dr. K walked into the room he said, "Man, I want you to be pregnant so badly!" And then he goes over to the counter to look at my chart and he slams his hand on the counter and said, "Shit!" I just laughed and said, "Yeah, that's what I said on Monday when I got a stark white pregnancy test."

So here's the run down of the appointment...

• We talked about my short AF this cycle, and he said that's expected with Clomid. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with my lining, but at the same time he's not increasing my dosage because I'm having such short AF's and he doesn't want it to become a problem. If that makes sense.
• He said he was baffled at the fact that I'm not getting pregnant. He knows I'm ovulating, and frankly so do I because I can feel the darn eggs in there when they're about to hatch. He said J's SA was stellar, so he said there shouldn't be any reason for me to not be getting pg. I could see the frustration on his face. Doesn't make me feel good that I'm frustrating my doctor, and it's not because I'm being a pain in the ass by calling all the time.
• I asked him if he thought I had bad eggs, and he said he didn't think so.
• He said he wanted to do a few more IUI's and then if they didn't work then he would refer me to an RE.
• He said he really wanted me to quit temping, and I told him that I couldn't. With my personality it was much better for me to see the temp drop a few days before AF visits so I can prepare myself. I don't like surprises, and for me to wake up one morning to find AF's very unwanted gift would be 100 times worse for me than temping during the 2ww. He understood, and said, "Well, since you put it that way. Just don't obsess about the temps. Deal?" Deal.
• IUI #2 will be sometime at the end of this month.

J and I need to have a sit-down and talk about how many IUI's we're willing to do, and if we even want to go the RE route. We have always said no injects and no ivf because of the money. We want to put the money that would have been spent on those treatments towards adoption. But now, I don't now how I feel about that. We talked about that early on when we weren't even sure if I could get pregnant. Now that we know I can get pregnant I kind of want to see if something can be done to help one stick.

After my appointment I went to the mall to buy another swimsuit for our trip to Jamaica. I got a call while I was there from MW. She said, "I parked next to you. Where are you? B saw your car, and he wants to come see you." So we met up in the swimsuit section of Dill.ards. We chatted and she helped me pick out a swimsuit, we went to the playground to let B play for a while, and then we went to the food court for lunch. After lunch we shopped a bit, and the she stopped me and said, "You know. I just feel so much better after seeing you. I know that you've been really upset lately because you're not pregnant and I am, and I just wanted to see you to know that you were okay. I really feel bad for you, and if there was something I could do to help you, I would do it in a heartbeat. I just want you to know that it's okay that you're upset. I know you're not upset with me, it's the situation. I'm glad we ran into each other. I was worried about you, and I feel better now that I've seen you." And you know, I kind of feel better about it after seeing her, too. Yes, she's fertile myrtle, and I'm not, but I can't let that come between us. She's my closest friend I have here in BR, and I don't want my infertility to be the elephant in the room everytime we're together. I really don't deserve to have a friend like her, but I sure am thankful that I do!!

So that's the skinny...we'll do another IUI and pray that this one works!!!

Insomnia

I don't know what my problem is tonight, but I can't sleep. Must be all the wine! ;o) I've just got so much running through my head. Maybe if I get it all out then I'll be able to sleep so here goes...

• I have a temp dive this morning which means that AF should have been here at some point today, but all I've gotten a visit from is spot. And even that was only for about an hour, and now it's just brown tinged cm. (sorry TMI) I don't know what to think. I know I'm not pregnant...the FRER doesn't lie. And with the nose dive my temps took this morning there's no way I'm preggers. I'm worried that the lack of AF's visit is a problem. Could this 4th round of Clomid cause my lining to be so thin that there's nothing more to shed than an hour's worth of spotting???
• I just can't believe the IUI didn't work. I had such high hopes to be preggers with MW, and now that I'm not it makes her pregnancy that much harder. She's trying so hard to be helpful and all, but I just can't face her. It's too hard. She's the eternal optimist so she truly believes that I'll be pregnant one day. Me? I'm the eternal pessimist. I don't think I'll ever get pregnant, and even if I do get a BFP I really don't think it's gonna stick. I really need to try and be more like her and have a positive attitude about it, but when both of my pregnancies have ended in m/c my track record isn't exactly one for the books.
• I keep thinking about how it only took MW 1 month to conceive, and then I start crying. I just don't get how it could be so easy for her and why it has to be so hard for me. I just don't get it.
• I colored my hair today, and it looks like shit! J says it's fine. But what is he *really* gonna say when he comes home to me in tears. He's brave, but I don't think he's *that* brave. I have no idea what I'm going to do about it. I just don't look good with black hair. I look like back-woods Louisiana trailer trash. Seriously...it's bad!!!
• I don't know whether to call and talk to my doctor about my AF/spotting issue. I don't know whether to give it more time to see if AF really does show or whether to call and say that yesterday was CD1. I just don't know.
• I want to take time off from ttc, but I'm no spring chicken, and time isn't really on my side. Especially with the whole PCOS issue. I think my lining needs a break from the Clomid so I'm taking a 1 month break for sure, but do I extend the break until after our Jamaica trip?
• And along that line...I've mentioned to my doctor that I want to start taking Metformin. He said he only gives it to his patients when the Clomid doesn't work. Well, the Clomid works in that it makes me O, but I'm not getting pregnant and staying pregnant. So I'm torn about whether to call and tell them I'm CD2, I want to take some time off, but in the meantime I want to start the Met.
• I have 3 bottles of FertilityBlend. Do I take them in the meantime? I know they probably won't work, but I've bought them. They need to be taken, and I can't take them with the Clomid. So if I put myself on a break, should I take them?
• Is it time to give up and move onto adoption? We've been going at this (no pun intended) since December 2005. When do you say enough's enough?
• I researched adoption a lot yesterday. There's a bap.tist chil.dren's ho.me in Mon.roe, LA, and most of their infant adoptions come out of Sel.lers Mat.erni.ty Ho.me here in the BR area. Do I call and ask for a packet?
• I feel like such a loser for not being able to give J a child of his own. J doesn't see me that way, but that's exactly how I see myself. I've told him he could leave me and find someone else while he was still young enough to have children. He says he's never leaving me, but a part of me wants him to. I don't want him to have to go through this anymore. I want him to be a dad, and since I can't make him one I want him to find someone who can. (Hmmm, reminds me of a Bible story. Bet my story won't turn out like Sarah and Abraham's.)
• I took all 3 FertilityBlend pills right before bed. Was that a bad thing to take them all at once? Is that why I can't sleep? I am literally wide awake. This sucks!!!

Well, I think that just about covers everything that's on my mind. I don't know if this is going to help me sleep, but it sure did give me something to do for a while. Oooh, I yawned. Maybe I'll get sleepy soon!! Nighty night!!!

I'm Out!

I had a huge temp dip this morning so AF is on her way. Guess I won't get to be a preggers buddy with MW after all. That would have been too nice of a story. Now I get to throw more money down the drain for another IUI cycle. Bitter??? You betcha!

Update...Just saw my friend MW...burst into tears the minute I saw her. So I went out and bought me a bottle of wine, some chocolate, and a new box of hair color...I'm good...for now.

Update #2...who the hell am I kidding?? I'm not fine. I'm not pregnant, my would-be due date is in 4 days, I have a friend who's pregnant and I have to see every day for the next 8 months, and my hair turned out black despite it saying the color was medium brown. It can't get any worse, can it??? God, please don't let it get any worse!!! I don't know how much more of this I can take!!!!

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

I broke down and tested yesterday because I'm weak...BFN. Not a total shock. But the thing is...I was only 11DPO, but I thought I was 12DPO so now I seem like even more of a dork! WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF EVERY MONTH????? Where's my padded room? *runs away screaming*

Boy, Do I Feel HORRIBLE!!!

More about my friend, MW.

As I said yesterday, MW and I talk about everything ttc. And when I've learned something about blood tests or hormones levels or medications, etc...we've talked about it. And because of that she's been very nervous about something going wrong. So I sent her a message apologizing for making her so "knowledgable". She sends me this email, and what she said had me in tears!!!

And again, don't be sorry about anything!!! As if!!! Yes you have definitely opened my eyes to all kinds of factors I never thought about, but hey that's life!! I wouldn't trade it for anything!! I just really pray that you get good news soon!!! But know in advance that if I am, and God forbid you aren't, there will be no fake showing of excitment when you don't want to be!!! I am a big girl in every sense of the word, and it is more important to me that you be yourself, and show your true emotions, than to be fake! I know that if you aren't happy all the time, that it isn't intended to be personal to me!! I will not have you feeling uncomfortable around me!! And if there are days you just can't be around me, I can take that too!! It won't change a thing!! But in saying all of that, I truly hope that we will be able to celebrate together!! That would be awesome, and such a gift to me!! : )

The last two sentences are the ones that really got to me. I do feel terrible for feeling jealous, but after reading all of your comments I know that it's a normal thing. I am happy for MW and JE. And I hope and pray that her pregnancy is flawless. But to know that I can be totally real with her takes a huge weight off my shoulders. I truly am blessed to have her in my life. Amidst all the stupid, insensitive fertiles that don't think about the fact that there are people out there that struggle with infertility, I just wanted y'all to know about my wonderful friend MW who is definitely NOT your typical fertile.

I'm Mixed

My friend, MW (I've talked about her before) has a little boy, who is the cutest little boy you'll ever meet. Well, today MW told me that she's pregnant again. I had an idea that she might be because she said she'd been nauseated, tired and her boobs had been hurting. We share everything. That's how close we are. We know when the other is ovulating, about the start, cramping, you name it, we've talked about it. MW has been there for me every step of this crappy journey so I owe her a great deal of gratitude. Though she's never experienced a loss she has let me talk about everything and she's offered the best advice that she's known how to give.

Anyway, after she told me she was pregnant she said that she wanted this so much more for me than for herself, and that she wished I could test already because she is anxious for me. That's how great of a friend she is. I'm excited for her, I really am, but deep down I'm jealous. Is that normal? I mean, she's my closest friend (other than my best friend S), but being as how we're 19 months into our journey with no live child, and it took MW and JE one month really stings. Ugh!!! I hate feeling like this. I want to be able to be happy, just happy and nothing else!

10 Things...

Tagged by FertilizeMe I hereby give you 10 things I …

Hate: (in no particular order)
*bugs
*liars
*being left out
*that I'm overweight
*that I have a dead-beat dad and step-monster (er-uh, step-mother)
*that I've gotten pregnant twice and don't have a baby to hold in my arms
*free loaders...get your own!!!
*scammers...especially those that target the elderly
*people who are holier than thou...get over yourselves!!!
*people who have to make you look bad in order to make themselves look good..here's a clue---do something worthy of praise instead of demeaning others!!!

Love: (in no particular order)
*my husband J...he's the greatest person I know.
*shopping...J would love for me to loathe shopping, but unfortunately I got this from my mom
*scrapbooking...great creative outlet for me
*hanging out with friends...I feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends
*church
*kids...it's the reason I became a teacher
*singing...I love to worship through singing
*traveling...I've been to Singapore, Belgium, The Netherlands, France, Malaysia, Mexico, Belize, NYC, Seattle, San Fran, Orlando, Gatlinburg, Colorado, Chicago...I want to go to Hawaii, Jamaica, Australia, Canada, England, Scotland, Ireland, Maine, South Carolina, Hollywood, Grand Canyon, and the list could go on...
*my dog and cat...I wish I could be so loyal
*a clean house...but I hate the work that has to be done to get it that way (it's a double edged sword)

I tag...Beth, Sara, Kelly, and Ultimate Journey (and anyone else who wants to play along)!! Tag! You're It!!!

A Little Bit More About Me...

About the ESFJ

"Guardians of birthdays, holidays and celebrations, ESFJs are entertainers. They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving, especially where custom prescribes."

- ESFJ Profile (TypeLogic)"ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view. The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others."

- Portrait of an ESFJ (The Personality Page)"...values relationships and families over intellectual pursuits, group oriented, follows the rules..."

- Jung Type Descriptions (ESFJ) (similarminds.com)
"...take it upon themselves to arrange for the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the SJs, and thus are the great nurturers of established institutions such as schools, businesses, churches, social clubs, and civic groups."

- The Portrait of the Provider Guardian (Keirsey)"At work, ESFJs contribute their ability to cooperate with others and to complete tasks in a timely and accurate way. They respect rules and authority, and handle daily operations efficiently. They tend to be well informed and up-to-date on organizational actions that matter to people. They do what they can to make sure that personal relationships are running smoothly. Because they pay close attention to people's needs and wants, they are often involved in work activities that meet people's practical, day-to-day desires."

- ESFJ - The Helper (Lifexplore)

Famous ESFJs
Danny Glover - actor
Desi Arnaz - actor, comedian, musician
Dixie Carter - actress
Don Knotts - comedian
Elvis Stojko - Canadian figure skater
Jack Benny - comedian, actor
John Connally - politician
Mary Tyler Moore - actress, comedian
Nancy Kerrigan - Olympic figure skater
Sally Field - actress
Sally Struthers - actress
Steve Spurrier - football player
Terry Bradshaw - football player
William McKinley - American President

Fictional ESFJs (Characters)
Donald Duck - Disney cartoon character
George Babbitt - Babbit (Sinclair Lewis)
Hoss Cartwright - Bonanza
Leonard "Bones" McCoy - Star Trek
Monica Gellar - Friends
Nurse Haleh Adams - ER
Rabbit - Winnie the Pooh

ESFJ Career Matches: ESFJs are often happy with the following jobs which tend to match well with the Supporter/Protector personality.

Accountant; Administrative Assistant; Administrator; Bookkeeper; Child Care; Church Worker; Counselor; Dental Assistant; Family Doctor; Homemaker*; Human Resources; Marketer; Nurse; Office Manager; Organization Leader; Radiological Technologist; Receptionist; Researcher; Social Worker; Speech Pathologist; Teacher*; Trainer

*I'm a homemaker now, but used to be a teacher...apparently I'm well suited for both!!!

Powerful...

There are so many things that I hate about this journey, but the one that I hate the most is the fact that I have PCOS, and that's what's causing all the trouble staying pregnant. I hate my body (for so many reasons). But last night at choir rehearsal (J and I sing in the choir at church) while singing one of the songs I was floored and literally stopped singing. The words that stopped me dead in my tracks were:

You have formed me the way that I am.
I am wonderfully made by your hand.
Oh Lord you know me.

Those words kept resonating through my mind all evening. I know that God made me, and I should accept how He made me. But when all I want is to be able to carry a little human being in my womb and I keep miscarrying, all I can think about is how God must have made a mistake. But the more I reread those words the more I'm reminded that He didn't make a mistake when He created me. He made me just the way He wanted me to be. I don't fully understand why I have PCOS or why I can't hold onto a pregnancy, but I am wonderfully made by God's hand. I have to trust that He knew what He was doing when He created me, and that He'll see me through this time in my life. I'm so glad that I don't have to go through this alone. I can draw on His strength and comfort. What a blessing!!!