Book Review...Part 2: Other Options for Growing a Family

Surrogacy, Gestational Surrogacy, Third-Party Donors, and Adoption

I have to admit that I had a hard time identifying with Cindy throughout this section. Mainly because J and I are far enough in our journey to know that surrogacy and donor eggs/sperm isn't for us.

Cindy and Guy used surrogacy as a means to grow their family a few years after their son was born. So the majority of this section was about their journey through surrogacy as a means to bring their two twins girls into their family. She does bring up lots of very useful questions to ask yourself if you're considering surrogacy, and points people who are interested to several websites. To me, if this was our journey, I would have soaked all that I could have in as far as what to look for in an agency, a surrogate, or whether to go with an agency at all or handle it on your own. She had lots of great information in the book including the letter she wrote to her possible surrogate, and her prospective on the process as well as the prostective of her surrogate. Cindy gives couples who are considering surrogacy a lot to think about, even giving them resources to better educate themselves on the subject.

Cindy briefly discussed donor eggs and donor sperm as well. Again, since this wasn't really an option for J and I because 1.) J didn't have issues, and 2.) the cost to help me with my issues was just too great because egg donation involves IVF. And IVF wasn't an option for us because there was no guarantee of us bringing home a baby. But I do like that Cindy does talk about egg and sperm donation including offering resources for those who are contemplating this route because if nothing else, it gives them a place to start.

The adoption section was what I was most interesting in, and I was greatly disappointed in how little was included. Now in her defense, they have no personal experience in the adoption area, but she didn't have any experience in the donor area either, and it was more extensive than the adoption section. She does admit that she knows nothing about adoption so to help those who are headed down that path she includes two stories of couples who did go that route. She also includes a listing of resources to help potential adoptive parents know more about domestic, international and foster adoption. One quote in the adoption portion that literally jumped off the page at me was, "Whether or not they are linked to us biologically, children remind us that there are no boundaries around our ability to love and that life is full of unexpected opportunities." As a potential adoptive parent I worry about the fact that my child will not be biologically related to J and me. But I do know one thing...J and I will love that child unconditionally no matter whose blood runs through their veins because our love knows no boundaries. Cindy's words erased the fear that I have about connecting and bonding with our adopted child. I know there will be hurdles to cross in our journey to adoption, but one thing I can quit worrying about is our inability to love someone else's precious child. We love our niece, and we love all of our friend's little ones, so I know that we're capable of loving a child that isn't biologically ours.

Overall I was a little disappointed in this section of the book, but only because I couldn't relate to the mojority of it. I think someone who is seriously considering surrogacy or egg/sperm donation will find it very helpful. I do love that she included personal stories of individuals and couples who have experienced each of these methods to grow their families. That helps make the methods more real while it also gives the readers someone to learn from. The thing that Cindy most advocates is research no matter which method you choose. And one of the ways that she says is most effective is to talk to someone who has walked that road. Many people are walking into uncharted waters and know of no one who has been there before, so the personal stories can really help them learn more about the processes. And I think it helps them feel less alone in it all.

Book Review...Part 1: Get Thee to a Specialist

Please bear with me. This is my first book review. Go easy on me!!!

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Having a Baby...When the Old Fashioned Way Isn't Working: Hope and Help for Everyone Facing Infertility was written by Cindy Margolis, a popular model and online personality, when after years of trying to start her family she still had no child to tuck in at night. Surprised by the lack of useful information available to she and her husband, Guy, as they traveled the lonesome road of infertiliy, she decided to change that by writing this book. She wanted to get the issue of infertility out in the open in order to give women a tool to use as they navigate through the barrage of tests, pokes, prods, and treatments. Cindy didn't want women to suffer alone in silence any longer.

Now, Cindy's journey did have a happy ending, but not until she had gone through 2 years of "let's have unprotected sex and see what happens", 3 failed IUIs, 3 failed IVFs, and finally one successful GIFT with IVF procedure. And that was just for the first pregnancy which resulted in a beautiful baby boy.

What I love about Cindy is that she's so candid. I felt like I truly did have an ally in this crap-shoot. I could hear the desperation in her words throughout this whole first section, but the part that had me almost in tears because I knew exactly what she was feeling was this:

"Falling in love, having a baby, and starting a family are the dreams most of us take for granted. We just figure that when the time is right, these things will happen for us, exactly when we want them to, and we will go on to live happily ever after. Finding out that our baby dreams are not so easily fullfilled is first devastating, then almost crippling--to the point that many of us want to give up completely. I know that's what happened to me. I thought I had been so wronged. Why couldn't I have a child? I thought that I was being punished--by whom and for what I did not know. I thought I was not a whole woman and a host of other unhealthy thoughts that would send me to my bed for days on end. Of course, I know now that none of this was my fault."

Cindy talks very openly about the strain that infertility put on her marriage, the weight gain and the bloating that resulted from the shots of hormones, and how none of her real life friends understood what she was going through. All of which are probably the reasons I finished the first section in one evening. I just couldn't put it down because I felt like she was telling my story. (Well, without the shots and IVF, anyway.) And I think most of you would completely identify with how she felt because, let's face it, if you've gone through fertility treatments, and you are a living, breathing human being, then you have felt exactly the way Cindy felt.

Throughout the first section Cindy throws in bullet lists of what a basic infertility workup should entail, places to go to find a fertility specialist in your area, things to look for in a good fertility specialist, and websites that offer more information about male infertility and infertility in general. While these things were pretty much known to me because I consider myself somewhat of an infertility novice, someone who is just beginning down the road of infertility would find it very useful and comforting to have in hand when trying to figure out the next step.

There were times in the book when I almost laughed out loud. Like when she talked one of the time she and Guy had "on-demand" sex in the backseat of Guy's car a few feet off the exit ramp because they were nowhere near the clinic for an insemination, only to be questioned by a policeman 20 minutes afterward as her legs were up in the air. Or when Guy gave her her first shot in their second cycle of IVF.

"The stress on both of us was horrendous. I was resentful. I was angry. I wanted to hurt someone, and when Guy gave me the first shot in our second cycle of IVF, I wanted to pull the syringe out of his hand and stab him with it. How could he continue to inflict this pain and not give me a baby for my trouble? I wanted him to actually feel what it was like for me to be constantly poked and prodded. So the next time we went to the clinic, I actually asked for a set of practice shots not for me--but for him! Then every time I felt the least but moody and sick of being stuck by this man who was supposed to love me, I would stick him right back. In hindsight, I think it was amazing that he even let me do this. But that's Guy for you."

Come on...you all know you wish you would have thought of that!!!

I love how Cindy opens up and shares her deepest hurts to a world where most don't even understand what she's going through. But all the while speaking to a world where one in six adults of child bearing age DO understand. She stepped out to tell her story when everyone around her was telling her keep it to herself because it was going to hurt her image. And because of her bravery she is now the celebrity spokesperson for RESOLVE. I commend Cindy for being so open about her struggles, and I hope that in doing so more celebrities in the limelight will come forward. There's nothing to be ashamed of because like Cindy says, "It's not your fault!"
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Part two to come...Other Options for Growing a Family: Surrogacy, Gestational Surrogacy, Third-Party Donors, and Adoption.

Book Review

A few months ago I was emailed by a publishing company and asked to review a book about a woman's struggles with infertility. I'm certianly no pro at reviewing books, in fact, I have no clue what I'm doing, but I accepted the offer for several reasons even though we aren't ttc anymore. First, the author has bravely stepped out to talk about her struggles with infertility in a world that is more often than not struggling in silence. And second, because I've never done this kind of thing so I thought it would really press me to complete a book. (I'm notoriously known for starting them but not finishing them.) And third, the author is a celebrity spokesperson for RESOLVE.

So, I hope you'll stick around for my very first review of Having a Baby...When the Old Fashioned Way Isn't Working: Hope and Help for Everyone Facing Infertility by Cindy Margolis. I just got it in the mail today so stay tuned...reviews to come!!! Oh Good Lord, Help Me!! Or maybe I should pray for y'all!!! lol