It's Done!!!

I just got back from my IUI...it went well although it took a little longer than Dr. K thought. He said my uterus was a little tilted, and it was a hard. Makes me wonder if we were too late in doing the IUI, but at this point only time will tell. It wasn't too painful. I'm a little crampy right now, but nothing major.

The lab tech said J's SA was great. She said they normally like to see a post-wash of 10 mil, but J's was 55 mil! Woo Hoo!!! Go J!!!

Thought y'all might want to hear the conversation in the room before the IUI. It was really funny.

_______________________________________________________

Dr. K: Ready to make a baby?

Me: Yep, I've been ready.

Dr. K: This won't take long, and it's a fairly easy process. Now watch...I'll jinx myself and it'll be difficult. *Looks at SA from this morning* Tell J everything looks great! Concentration is great. Grade is excellent.

Nurse C: Are your toes wet or are they just cold?

Me: They're cold. J always complains about my cold feet.

Dr. K: So there's no snuggling going on, huh?

Me: No. We bought a king sized bed because J is always saying "Get your cold feet off me woman."

Everyone laughs

Dr K: Okay, relax. He inserts speculum and then laughs and says, "Get your cold feet off me woman." and then he laughs again.

*He starts the process but struggles a little.*

Dr. K: See, I jinxed myself. Normally I would have been done by now.

*He gets a different tool.*

Me: Momma always said I was hard headed.

Dr. K: Well I don't know about hard headed, but your cervix is definitely hard, and your cervix is a little tilted.

*He rearranges the speculum and inserts sperm.*

Dr. K: Now that's more like it. All done. Say a prayer, and tonight, get busy. Only God will know whether it was the IUI or the natural way that got you pregnant, but get busy as much as possible tonight. I better be getting good news in a couple weeks. *winks and shakes my hand*
______________________________________________________

Well, now I guess I'm in the 2ww...hoping to bring y'all some good news in a couple weeks!!!

IUI Scheduled for Tomorrow!!

I got my definite + OPK this morning so I called my OB to schedule my IUI. I'll go pick up the cup this afternoon, and our appt is at 8:30 in the morning. It'll take the lab about an hour to get everything ready for the IUI, and then I'll walk over to my OB for the actual procedure. I'm so nervous!! Wish us luck!!!

Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

I'm waiting on my + OPK. I thought the one from this morning was +, but the more I look at it the more I'm thinking it's an almost +. However, the ones from this afternoon and this evening were definitely -. I don't think I missed my LH surge because 1.) CD14 is early for me to O, and 2.) I did this last cycle. I had an almost + kind of early, followed by several definitely -, then came the definite +. So we'll see that tomorrow holds. No EWCM, but it's watery. And my CP is HS, but not quite open. Ugh...too many factors!!! I'm having little twinges on the left side (it's always the left side, btw) so I will probably be calling tomorrow or Tuesday at the lastest to set up the IUI. I'll keep y'all posted!!!

Just Twidling My Thumbs

There's nothing new to report today other than the typical Clomid headache and fatigue. I'm still in awe (and a little anxious, truth be told) about the fact that we're moving on the IUI. I don't know why I'm in awe. I knew that was the next step, but something inside of me kept saying it wouldn't come to that. I guess I just wanted to believe so badly that us having a baby wouldn't involve a science experiment with centrifuges. It's not a bad thing, don't get me wrong, I had just hoped it could happen naturally, you know? I just keep telling myself that this is all going to be so worth it in the end. This is my ticket to parenthood, and I'm going to do everything humanly possible to see that it happens.

I didn't get much advice about IUI's with my last post. If you've gone through an IUI, PLEASE share your experiences!!!!

Sisterhood of Sadness

I saw this on FF, and wanted to post it here. Get your hankies!!!

Sisterhood of Sadness
Author Unknown

"I was once a member of the Pregnancy Club, my membership card consisting of two pink lines on a stick. I was eager to pay my dues, just like all the other members. Morning sickness, stretch marks, cravings -- I welcomed them all.

But they never came. And before I knew it, my membership was revoked. No real reason -- at least none I could discern -- other than bad timing, perhaps. Or, at least, that's what everyone's been telling me. That and "God's plan."

Miscarriage is a terrible word. As if one has dropped something, or carried something incorrectly. Similar to "mistake" or "misunderstanding." How I longed for it to be either of those things when I learned my baby was gone. Surely, it was a mistake, I prayed. If they would just look again, they would learn it was all a simple misunderstanding.

But the ultrasound screen showed otherwise.

1 out of every 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, say the books. That statistic terrified me when I was pregnant. So many lost babies, I thought. How can I keep mine from being one of them? But now that mine is one of them, that 1 out of 5 seems awfully small.

Or, at least, it did. Until soft-speaking female voices started whispering to me in my grief, "It happened to me, too." Their eyes told me the stories of the pain that we shared, the pain that only a woman who has carried a child - and lost it - could know. For some, it was fresh pain. For others, it was dulled by healthy babies since born.

A sisterhood of sadness.

It's a silent group, this new club of which I have recently become a reluctant member. Our membership cards are the scars we will always carry on our hearts. Our dues are paid in blood and tears. It is a painful initiation, and one never ceases membership. Because one never forgets.

I am joining, not because I want to, but because I wasn't given the choice. But at least I know I'm not alone. At least I know there are hundreds of thousands of women with me, however silent and invisible, quietly holding my hand."

Plan for Cycle 15

So the plan for this cycle is to keep the Clomid at 100mg, but this time we're going to try an IUI. I'm very nervous about the IUI, and according to my doctor it only ups my chances of getting pregnant by about 5%, but at this point in the game I'll take any increase in chances that I can get!

I thought J might have some issues with the IUI, but he was on board with it. He's been saying for a few weeks now that he thinks he needs an SA done, but my doctor seems to disagree seeing as how he's gotten me pregnant twice already. He asked if they would keep a sample to test it, and I said, "No babe, they're gonna put 'em all in there. There will be no swimmer left behind." lol (For those of you who are teachers, you'll appreciated that joke.)

I just love Dr. K. He's always so reassuring and supportive. He knows where I am because it took he and his wife a long time to conceive their baby. I asked him today when I needed to quit trying. He patted me on my leg and said, "Not yet." Hearing those words really calmed my spirit. He said, "I know you're tired because it has been over a year since you started trying, and your year has held a lot of drama, but I'm still putting my money on you having a child soon." Those words were music to my ears. I know he wasn't making any promises (and honestly, I'm glad he didn't make any promises), but the fact that he isn't counting me out as a lost cause really did make me feel a whole lot better.

I told Dr. K I had been worried about my temps, and he looked at me with this look, and I knew I was in trouble. He said, "Have you ever told me you were temping?" I said, "No." Then he said, "You'll never hear me say anything about BBT because it's just too unpredictable. Quit temping!" My response to that was, "I can't. I'm obsessive." He said, "Well obsess about quitting!" So I said, "How 'bout if I don't temp after I get a solid thermal shift." He shook his head and said, "Quit temping! It's not doing you any good." I laughed and he said, "See you in a couple weeks."

Wow, I can't believe we're moving on to IUI. Any and all IUI advice is greatly appreciated!!!

That Old Saying...

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me," really applies here. I should know better than to read too much into my symptoms in the 2ww, but once again I was fooled into thinking something good might come from all the nausea I was having. So shame on me!!! I guess it's on to cycle 15. Have I said lately that this sucks?

I'm going in on Thursday to have my monthly "I'm not prengnat, give me my Clomid" appointment, and I'm pulling out all the stops. I'm asking for Metformin, and I'm asking for Progesterone to take if/when I ever get another BFP. I've got to give this my all because it stops with Clomid. We won't be going on to injections, IUI's or IVF. Clomid is my only shot at having a biological child. I kind of hate to put all my eggs (no pun intended) in one basket, but we just can't afford to sink all that money into something that might not work. So we've decided that if Clomid doesn't work we're using our savings for adoption. Wow...I can't believe I may be moving on to adoption in a couple months. This is my 4th round of Clomid since my miscarriage, and my doctor will only allow me to take 6 rounds back-to-back. I can always take a break for a few months and then get back on the Clomid train, but I'm not getting any younger. At some point we have to face reality, and reality (for us)is that Clomid might not work, and we might not ever have a child of our own. That makes me sad.

Nauseated and So Tired...

After 18 months of this I know better than to think about such things, but the nausea has been here for 3 days, and I've been tired for the last 2 days. It's hard not to think about whether this is something good. I broke down and tested last night (I know...shame on me for testing at 10DPO) and like I suspected it was a BFN. (I didn't dare tell J that I tested!) I never got early BFP's with my other pregnancies so I don't know why I thought I would if I'm pregnant this time, but a girl can hope.

We're off to visit my folks this weekend. J will be back Sunday evening, but I won't be back until Monday. Y'all have a great weekend, and I HOPE to be coming back online with some good news soon!!!

How Many "Aunt Jane's" Do You Have?

Weird Temps

My temps have been really low this cycle. When I look back at all my 9DPO temps, they've only been 98.2 degrees 2 other times. The first time it was this low was my very first cycle taking Clomid. The second time it was this low it was the second cycle of my second round of Clomid. Neither of those cycles ended in a BFP so I'm REALLY bummed right now. I was thinking of calling my doctor and asking for lab orders to get my progesterone checked, but since I'm 9DPO I'm thinking it may be too late to have it checked. *sigh* This ttc is REALLY taking a toll on my emotions. I HATE THIS!!!
___________________________________________________________
One of the contributers to the "Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory" posted the following questions to the bloggers who have their blogs listed in the directory. I found the questions very intriguing...

1. What do you want people to know about the child (or children) you have lost?
They were wanted more than anything else in this world. And just because time has passed I still want them more than life itself and miss them with every ounce of my being. I loved every minute I carried our precious babies.

2. What names did you give (or plan to give) your children and why?
We didn't name either of our angels as they were lost so early, but we do have names picked out for the children we hope to have. The two girl names we have picked out are: Melody Grace and Olivia Kate. We've only been able to come up with one boy name that we both agree on, and it's Jalen Scott.

3. What rituals or ways of memorializing your children seem to best help you cope with their loss?
I have a charm bracelet, and I bought two charms for it. One is a heart that says, "The Heart Remembers" and the other is a baby angel. I think about our babies all the time, and when I look at the charms it's just a gentle reminder that they are waiting for me in Heaven. I can't wait to hold them.

4. What are the kindest and/or most helpful things people have said to you? What are the worst?
The kindest and probably most helpful thing people have said to me is, "We're praying for you and J. We don't understnad your pain, but God does, and He's able to comfort you like no one here on Earth can." And the other thing that I found most helpful was, "We're here when you need us. Call anytime." They weren't even pretending to understand our pain, but I knew that I could come to them if I needed to talk or I needed a shoulder to cry on.

The worst thing someone has said to me is, "You'll get pregnant again in no time." I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to pregnant again soon, I wanted to be pregnant right then! The fact that they said that meant that they didn't see my loss as important and worthy of grieving. Now, don't get me wrong, I know most people don't mean to say stupid stuff like that, but even if it's not meant that way, it still stings.

5. Who is your hero? Who helps you make it through the dark days better than anyone else on the planet?
I'm really not a person who has heros. I guess I do look up to some people, and the person that I look up to most my husband is J. He was an absolute gem during those dark days when I lost our babies. I saw him cry (which I had seen before, but this time it was different). He held me. He took great care of me after my D&C. He made sure that I didn't do anything I wasn't ready to do whether that was sending an email or calling someone to tell them I wasn't ready to have people over, or taking care of the house and chores and cooking. He was just wonderful. And you know, he did all that while he was grieving, too.

6. Is there anything you need to say or want to say but haven't been able to? Can you say it now?
I think I've been pretty open here on my blog, but there are still things that I haven't said to real life friends and family. I think if there's anything that I have left to say it's, "I am not weird or needy because of all this. I don't want people's pity. I just want their prayers. And I need to be reminded constantly that I am no less of a woman because I can't or haven't had children." That's the part that hurts the most because I do feel like a broken woman because of my infertility. I need that reassurance.

7. How are you doing? How are you really doing?
Most days I'm okay, but when I see a newborn, or I hear of someone who is newly pregnant I wish I had their life. And I have to grieve our losses and my pain all over again. When I see women who drag their children around and yell at them I wish I could walk up and just give their child a hug and tell them that I would want them if they were my child. I want a baby so badly, but more than anything I want J to be a father. It breaks my heart that the one thing I should be able to give him I can't.

On Pins and Needles

I'm 8DPO, and I'm dying to know if I'm pregnant or not. I've done well so far because we've been out of town visiting J's family, but now that I'm home the wait is going to kill me! Will-power...I need will-power!!!

Comments Make Me Smile!!!

Okay, so I lied about not being able to get on here until we get back in town...but in my defense I really didn't think I'd have the time with all the last minute errands and packing that had to be done. Guess I'm just efficient 'cuz all I have to do is get the clothes in the suitcase and load the car. Woo Hoo!!

Anyway...back to the part of the blog that actually goes with the title. I just wanted to say to all you wonderful people who take the time to leave comments...You guys really make me smile!! I LOVE to log on and see that someone has not only read what I've written but also taken the time to post a comment. It's the BEST feeling EVER!!! I've tried really hard to visit several blogs a day and leave comments, but I think I'll try a little harder so I can possible put a smile on someone else's face.

(I need an "I Love Comments" blinkie!)

Okay, now I'm logging off and won't be back until Monday. Have a Happy 4th!!! See ya!

1DPO Today...

Well, I'm officially in the 2ww. Thankfully I'll have lots to keep my mind off everything. We're leaving tomorrow to go visit J's family. Then we'll be back for a week, and then we'll take a weekend trip to see my family. I should know if we're pregnant or not before we go see my family. Don't know if we'll tell them anything if we are. Guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I won't be able to get back on here again until we get back home, so Happy 4th of July a little early!