Tough Day

A year ago today I got the news that something wasn't right with my second pregnancy. After my u/s and appt with Dr. K I went home on strict bedrest for 5 days. I knew then that everything was not going to end in my favor, but J had all kinds of hope. I frantically called my mom and gave her the news, and within the hour she was on the road from Houston to be at my side. It was a scary day, and the beginning to a very emotional week and a half that ultimately ended in me having a D&C.

But to this day I still hold some anger about the loss. And to be honest, most of that anger is directed at God. Why didn't He let my little one live? Why did I have to endure another loss? While I still have no answers to those questions, time has healed my heart a little, but deep down I know that I'm still angry at Him for not stepping in and saving our baby. How do I let that anger go? Will I always feel this way? For instance, I still have a hard time praying every day. I've gotten out of the habit, and I just can't seem to remember what it was like to have prayer be a part of my daily routine. I don't read my Bible every day like I did before the loss. And I find myself sitting in silence just listening to other people pray in church rather than having my own prayer time. How do I get back to the deeply religious, very faithful person that I once was?

It's been a year...and my life still isn't back to normal. I think about my losses every day. Will it always be like this? Will I ever be able to let go and release the anger that I'm feeling? I want to. I really do. I'm sure a psychologist would say that I really don't want to let the anger go because that would somehow mean that I'm willing to forget what happened. So that's why I'm holding on. And maybe that's true to an extent. But I can't keep living like this anymore. I can't still be angry about this a whole year later. I've prayed to God to help me let this go, but then I think about it and it all comes flooding back. How do I truly release it so that when I think about it I'm no longer filled with such anger and resentment? Anyone have any experiences they'd like to share?

Just Need to Vent!!

I was at the gym with MW this morning. I do fine when I'm around her, though I'm extremely jealous I can still be around her because she doesn't throw her pregnancy in my face. She knows everything we've been through, and even though she's a fertile myrtle (it took her 1 month to conceive this one, and 2 months to conceive DS) she's still very sensitive to my feelings. But a friend of hers, we'll call her "Me Girl", came in and joined us on the elliptical, and all she could talk about was her pregnancy and how things were going to change and what stroller and car seat to get, BLAH BLAH BLAH. "Me Girl" is due in December so it's not like I needed to hear all these things to know she was pregnant because I could see her freakin' belly. But the things is, she KNOWS what we've gone through because I told her the first day I met her at water aerobics when she asked if we had children. We talked about how she'd had a m/c too in between this one and her DS. So "Me Girl" knows about our issues. Granted I don't see her very often (thank God), and she doesn't know the last 2 IUI's didn't work, but she knows how freakin' long we've been ttc. That just ticks me off when people KNOW your situation but they are so completely self absorbed (hence the "Me Girl" name) that they talk about themselves the whole time. I just had to leave. I didn't want to start crying in public so I left. When I got to the car I lost it. This is just SOOOOO unfair.

Being the GREAT friend that MW is, she immediately went home after her workout to email me to see if I was okay, despite the fact that she needed to go run errands..."Just wanted to check in on ya. I am sorry that she wouldnt stop talking about babies. I tried to change the subject to food, but it didnt work. Call me if you need to chat, I am off to run errands."

I'm so thankful for MW because she truly does understand where I'm at, and I truly am excited for her, but as I said in my reply...

"I just needed to get out. I know y'all are both excited about your pregnancies, and you have every right to talk about them. I am just not at the point where I can be around all that yet. I hope I didn't seem rude. I didn't mean to be, but I was about to start crying and I didn't want to make a scene. I've had my crying session so I'm okay now. It’s just that there are so many pregnant people around, and it's hard. I'm tired of feeling like this, but at this point I don't know what to do to make it stop. I guess it's just going to take time."

Thanks for listening ladies! I just needed to get that out. Anyone have a similar story...misery loves company, right?

No Side Effects This Cycle

I just finished taking my 8th round of Clomid, and I didn't have ANY side effects (s/e). When I picked up the prescription from the pharmacy the paper said they had changed manufacturers, and that bothered me a bit, but I didn't think about too much. Then yesterday I realized I haven't been on the couch as much this cycle. Clomid usually wipes me out so I spend days 3-5 of the pills sleeping off and on throughout the day. Then I realized I didn't have the horrible headache that accomplanies each pill. I found that to be very strange because typically I feel like I've got a heavy metal band playing in my head. Then I started to get worried. What if the pills from this particular manufacturer aren't as good as the ones I'd taken in the past? What if they don't make me ovulate? I'll know in about a week whether my fears are legit, but in the mean time I'm driving myself bonkers. Now don't get me wrong...I didn't miss the extreme fatigue or hellish headaches, but if an absence of s/e means that the pills don't work as well then I'd gladly wish to have the s/e back! I guess only time will tell. This is going to be a long week!

Praise You in This Storm

I LOVE this song...just wanted to post it because it totally speaks about where I am these days. Infertility is definitely a storm in life, but it seems as though I'm stuck under the rain cloud and can't find my way out. I just have to keep praising God because believe it or not God has placed many blessings in my life along the way. I don't know the outcome of all this, but I know that God is with me all along the way. I'm never left to weather this storm alone. I heard this quote in the video of a live performance of this song, and it just blew me away..."Sometimes He calms the storms in our lives, and sometimes He rides them with us." PRAISE GOD FOR THAT!!!!



Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Infertility Etiquette by Vita Alligood

I saw this on another person's blog, and found it worth posting on mine!

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

• IVF is Expensive with Low Odds One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times.
  Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby,
  many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
• IVF is Physically Taxing Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
• IVF Raises Ethical Issues Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.
• Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
  
  If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.
  
  A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

• Blocked fallopian tubes
• Cysts
• Endometriosis
• Low hormone levels
• Low "normal form" sperm count
• Low progesterone level
• Low sperm count
• Low sperm motility
• Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law. Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Not So Happy Day

So like I said in my last post, I was going to focus on the fact that I have an amazing mother in my life who I admire and adore. That was pretty easy to do until it was time for church. I wasn't looking forward to church, but I was excited about getting to skip out on the Mother's Day service today because I was helping with children's worship rather than staying in "big church". I was going to dodge the traditional handing out of the roses to all the mothers that's always done at the end of the service. Big sigh of relief! Except this year they changed the format. This year they had the kids pass out the roses to their mothers. So in order to have them hand out the roses they had to be in the service. Yep, this was done BEFORE we left for children's worship which meant I got to sit and watch all the women around me as their precious child handed them their well deserved rose. I felt as though I had been stuck with one of the thorns from the rose. To my surprise I handled it pretty well, actually. Mostly I stared at the floor, but a couple of times I looked up in the choir only to see my dear husband J staring back at me with the most pitied look I had ever seen. I just couldn't take it, so I immediately stared back down at the floor. But wait...it gets better!

So I was just about to the point where I could say, "Thank God that's over!" when a deacon walks up to my friend and me and asks, "Have you ladies gotten your rose yet?" All I could think was, "Holy crap he did not just ask me that!" Thankfully that's not what came out of my mouth. I politely smiled and choked out, "I'm not a mother." My friend has a precious little boy, and her husband came down from the choir loft and handed her her rose since Blaine was in the nursery. So of course her answer was, "Yes, thank you." Again, I turned my eyes to the floor.

And somehow after that I was supposed to take everyone else's children to children's worship and teach them about serving others. Wow, how ironic. On Mother's Day I got to work with the children of our church. Oddly enough, that's where I felt I belonged.

So to all the mothers of angels who didn't get their rose at church because of miscarriage or infant loss...Happy Mother's Day. We ARE mothers, and we deserve a rose.

Do you have any kids?

Who knew that question could be so hard to answer. The thing is most people don't think twice about asking, and up until a few months ago the question didn't bother me because I was still hopeful that it would happen in due time. But here we are 16 months and 2 miscarriages later still trying, so that question stings.

I was holding little Benjamin Tuesday night when another visitor innocently asked if we had any kids. At first it took me by surprise, but I quickly recovered and timidly replied, "No, not yet." I turned my attention back to little Benjamin, and hoped that the conversation would turn to something else. And sure enough it did, but the sting didn't go away. I didn't get the chance to look at Lauren, but I'm sure she was dying inside. She knows what we've been through, and she knows how difficult it is for me to still be saying no.

I can't keep people from asking me if we have any kids. I just hope that one day my answer will be, "Yes."

Hurdles

Baby showers. While most people look forward to showering a new mom-to-be with everything baby, today quite possibly could have been one of THE hardest days of my life, second only to the day I lost my baby. L is 8 months pregnant and one of my closest friends, so today I put on my happy face to help hostess her baby shower. I had never felt more alone. While everyone ooh-ed and ah-ed over each thing that L opened I sat there with a blank stare on my face wishing that I could just disappear.

I had agreed to be a hostess months ago, before I ever knew I was pregnant actually. Myself and 7 other girls anxiously planned L's baby shower down to the very last detail. I was in charge of the decorations and punch. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, not exactly. To someone who has lost a baby just a mere 2 months ago, to them decorating for a baby shower is like asking a person who's recently lost a spouse when they're going to start dating again. It just seemed unfathomable. I was expected to come up with some cute-sy decorating idea which meant that I was going to have to walk down the baby aisle and pick out baby things. And I did. I came up with the idea to hang a clothes line on the mantle and hang baby clothes on the line. Then came the day that I had to walk down the baby aisle to pick out the items to hang on the line. My feet felt like they were made of lead. Every step I took down that aisle was cumbersome. I tried to get it done as fast as possible, but everything I looked at made me wonder if I would ever need that someday.

While I was doing the decorating today I was fine. Better than I thought I would be. Then everyone started showing up and talking about how big L's belly had gotten since they'd last seen her. And then it hit me. I should be showing right now. I should have a belly, too. I tried to fight off the feelings of disappointment and loss, but the more I fought them the sadder I got. I left the room to try and compose myself, but I just couldn't get it out of my head. The shower went on, and the more I watched the more my heart ached for my baby. Several people there knew that I had lost my baby. Were they wondering if I was okay? No one asked. I guess they were too afraid. I felt alone. One friend walked past me, winked as if to say, "I know this is hard for you," and then went on about her business. That made me feel good, I guess. But then it made me self conscious. Did I have a, "Get me out of here!" look written all over my face? Did I look like I had this horrible inner struggle going on inside of me? Part of me felt alone, empty, dead. But another part of me was so thankful that I wasn't pregnant at the same time as L. She is a cute, little pregnant thing, and I knew that I would just look like a whale compared to her.

Baby showers. I've never thought about it until I had lost my baby, but they aren't happy get-togethers for everyone. Maybe that's what this miscarriage was supposed to teach me. That I need to be empathetic to those around me because I just never know the struggles they've had to face. And that event that we're at together just might be their first hurdle in dealing with their grief.

Wah-Hoo! It's Cycle #2!

Two cycles down and one to go before we can try to conceive again!!!! It's sad that ttc has become a way of life for me, and when I'm away from it I actually miss it!!! It's become an obsession! That's just sad!

Comforting...

I haven't seen my best friend since our 10 year college reunion in November because she lives 7.5 hours away. We talk on the phone at least once a week, but sometimes that's just not enough. When I had my most recent miscarriage I just wanted to have her nearby. She called every day to check on me, but it's just not the same as having her with you to hug the hurt away. She didn't understand my pain because thankfully she's never had to endure the loss of a child, but somehow she knew just what to say. Anyway, she has family that lives about 2 hours away from me so while she, her daughter and her mom were visiting I drove down to see them yesterday. When I pulled up to her aunt's house her little girl came running down the driveway and gave me a huge hug like only a three and a half year old can. Hugs like that do a heart good because it means that she remembers me even after months of not seeing me.

When my best friend and I get together it's as though time has stood still. Guess that's why we're best friends. We're both teachers, we've been told we look alike (although neither of us think so), and we sound a lot alike. So much so that when our mother's would call our apartment in college they couldn't tell us apart. We loved playing tricks on them! (But that's for another time!) We're good for each other. We tell each other just how it is even if it hurts a little, and in doing so we've never had a fight. That's pretty odd for two female friends. I'm not saying we haven't been annoyed with each other from time to time, but in the end we know that the other has our back. What a blessing to have a friend that I can be so open and real with. We have a scrapbook of all of the special times we've shared. So every time we get together we find some time to update our scrapbook. And yesterday was no different. I have to say that it felt good to scrap again. It's good therapy for me. Yesterday's visit was so comforting. It made it seem like life was getting back to normal, a new normal. It gave me hope that with each passing day the hurt would lessen and I would once again see my life as purposeful.

I'm Backsliding

On a normal day I think about my miscarriages several times, but thankfully I'm now to the point where I don't burst into tears anymore. But every Sunday there's something that comes over me, and I just can't stand to go to church. I used to love going to church, but now it's a burden. I have no idea where these feelings came from. To everyone around me I tell them I understand that it's not God's fault because that's what all good Christians should say, but am I lying to them? Is that really how I feel? God created me, and when He did, he gave me PCOS. And the PCOS is the root of my infertility. So didn't God cause this?

J and I got into an argument today, a knock-down drag-out actually. He's tired of me not wanting to go to church. See, he's clinging to his faith to get him through this, and he needs to go to church to help him feel like things are getting back to normal. When all this first happened I told him I wanted to stop going for a while, but that was unfathomable to him. I told him I was angry with God and that I just needed to sort through all my feelings. He understood my anger, but insisted that I still go to church. And being forced to go to church when I don't want to has really made me bitter and resent him for that. I know he's doing the right thing by trying to point me in the right direction for peace and comfort. But that's not what I want right now. I don't want peace and comfort. I want a child! God could easily allow me to have a child. And He could easily keep a crack-head or child abuser from having one. So why doesn't He? Why does He allow people who don't want children to have them, and keep people who want one more than anything from having them? If He would allow only the people who want children to have them then there would be no need for CPS, foster care, and adoption agencies. I just don't get it.

One Down...Two to Go!!!

I got it!!! I finally got it!!!! I almost feel like Margaret Simon in Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. "She" finally got here 5 weeks to the day after my D&C. The "she" I'm talking about is "Aunt Flo", "Red Tide", "The Curse".

A sense of uncertainty came over me as I've wondered for weeks whether I would have a spontaneous period after my D&C since I have PCOS and irregular cycles. And tonight my uncertainty was replaced with excitement when I found AF did in fact pay me a visit this month. I have to admit that it is weird to want AF to come when for over a year I've hoped and prayed that she would stay away and be replaced with a BFP. This is the first cycle of three that I have to wait for before we can start trying to expand our family again. I'm just so excited!!!!!

This is Harder Than I Thought

I'm at the three week mark since my D&C, and the wait is killing me. But it's not just the wait to try again. I mean, it is that, but I'm also waiting to ovulate for the first time, I'm waiting for AF to show for the first time, I'm waiting for the day when I can go get all the blood work done to hopefully give us some answers, and I'm waiting to go back on the pill so I can have the magical number of AF's before we can try again. It seems like all I'm doing is waiting! And I'm tired!!!

I've tried to keep myself busy so I'm not always thinking about everything I'm waiting for. I don't have a "real" job. I'm a housewife. All I do is cook, clean, do the laundry, and run errands that we need done. For eight years I taught elementary school back in Texas. My life had purpose and meaning back then. But then J got transferred to Baton Rouge. We naively thought we would become parents pretty quickly after moving, so I never found a job because I was going to be a stay-at-home mom. Boy were we wrong! Thirteen cycles, two miscarriages, a buttload of tests, and a year and a half later, we have no children, and I have no job and no purpose in life. So to help the day go by just a little but faster I've taken on the task of repainting our guest bathroom. Actually I'm correcting a bunch of HUGE mistakes that the professional painters made before we moved in, but that's a whole other story!

Painting...not one of my favorite things to do in life, but it can definitely make you feel good once you're finished and can look at your masterpiece with pride and excitement for a job well done. I sanded down the errors made by the incompetent "professionals". I primed the walls and even the baseboards. I took all the cabinet doors off. I removed the knobs and hinges from the doors. Much to J's surprise I took the toilet tank off (something the pros didn't do) so I could reach an area that isn't seen much, but if I was going to do this I was going to do it right! I taped the baseboards, and then it was time for the color. I chose a beautiful moss color. I was so proud of myself, and I had really done anything yet!

So the painting began, and all seemed to be going just fine until I got to the point where I couldn't reach some crevices because I was too short, even on a ladder. J came home and saved the day! He got into those tight places, and the room was beginning to take shape. I removed the tape while the green was still wet even though J thought I should wait a little while longer. The next day I went in to look at our beautiful green room, and I was so pleased!

Next it was time for the baseboards. I taped up the walls and off I went. It took me nearly a whole day just to get two coats on the cabinets and baseboards, but I finally finished right before J came home from work. I jumped in the shower to rid myself of all the day's paint, got in the kitchen and started making dinner, and after a pretty simple meal, I sat down for the evening to watch a little television.

The following day I went in the bathroom to look for any spots that needed a little touch up only to find that I had forgotten to take the tape off the walls. No biggie, right? WRONG! When I started taking the tape off I started removing the paint from the baseboards along with it. I was petrified! The paint that had gotten on the tape had dried along with the paint on the basbords and now it was stuck!

Two hours and several "not nice" words later I had finally managed to get the tape off, but not without messing up my paint job. I was not about to retape everything and start over so decided to use a tiny water color brush to fix the wounds on the baseboards. It didn't look great, but it was good enough for an ameteur. It still looked better than the professional's job.

I took a few days off after that because my arthritis was flaring up from all the painting, but yesterday I got back to work. I took the cabinet doors outside to paint them. (We have a cat, and it doesn't matter where you put something, if it's got wet paint on it, she's going to find it!) It was a beautiful day so I was glad to be out in it. I left them out to dry, and right before bed we brought them inside and placed them on the floor of our spare bedroom so we could shut the door and keep our curious cat from stomping all over my hard work.

I took them back out today for one final coat, and then it will be time to hang those puppies up! I bought new hinges and knobs to replace the old ones covered in lilac paint. I'm not quite ready to put the bathroom back together just yet. I still have the doors and one door frame to paint, but this painting thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be! I can't wait for the day when I can walk in that bathroom and look at it with a smile instead of frowning about the fact that we paid professionals way too much for the crappy job they did. (Yet another thing I'm waiting on! *sigh*)

Looking Forward

J and I went in for my 2 week post-op appointment today. I was hoping to hear that we would only have to wait 2 cycles before we could try again, but Dr. Kleinpeter wants us to wait 3. Ugh! His explanation was that my HcG levels were in the 100,000's the day of my D&C, and because the pregnancy progressed as far as it did, my body would need the three cycles to recoup. As much as I didn't like it, I understood. He's being conservative, and I appreciate that, but I've also heard that in the 3 months following a D&C that you're more fertile. I wanted to capitalize on my increased fertility while I could. The other piece of news that really struck a nerve with me was the part about having to go back on "the pill". Because I have PCOS and I don't have regular cycles on my own I would need the pill to bring on the 3 cycles necessary in order to get back in the ttc game. Again, I understand, but I don't have to like it, do I?

Dr. Kleinpeter really is a wonderful, caring doctor with impeccable bedside manner. (And he's not bad looking either!) He spent about 30 minutes talking to us about where we'll go from here. He wants to run a few blood tests to check my antibody levels and my clotting ability. Aside from genetic abnormalities in the baby, clotting issues are a common cause of miscarriage. If just a few of the vessels responsible for the transport of oxygen and nutrients were to become clogged then the baby won't receive what it needs from the mother in order to survive. People with arthritis like I have will have antibodies in their blood that are fighting against their bodies. That's what is attacking my joint tissue, and very often these antibodies can interfere with a woman's fertility. Fortunately there are easy solutions to both of these issues, and if it turns out that these were possible causes of my miscarriage, then they can easily be solved should I become pregnant again. I'll have both of these tests done in about 4 weeks once my HcG levels have had time to return to a pre-pregnancy state. I can't be on the pill when I take these tests because the hormones in the pill might skew the results. So in the meantime I'm going to hope and pray that I have a cycle on my own between now and when I have my blood tests done. Then that will be one cycle down, and only 2 months of pills ahead.

We also talked about my frustration with not being able to lost weight despite cutting back on my food intake and working out 45 minutes to an hour 4-5 days a week. My PCOS is the culprit! Most PCOS patients have some sort of insulin resistence (IR). Some more than others. The problem with weight loss comes because the PCOS body doesn't process insulin (glucose) the way it should. I can have a normal blood sugar of 80, but an IR of 32, and it will be much harder for me to lose weight as opposed to a person with a blood sugar of 80 and an IR of 16. So with that said, I can count calories and fat grams all day long, but if my body won't break down the insulin like it should I'm not going to lose any weight. Therefore, Dr. K suggested that I start on a low-carb diet. (Yet another thing I hated about our appointment! I LOVE CARBS!!!!)

I am antsy to try again. I guess because I'm looking for something to fill this huge void I have in my heart. I know that's not the proper way to go about filling that void, but at this point it's the only way I know how. TTC has been a huge part of my life for the past year, and because of that, it brings a sense of normalcy to my life that I haven't felt in over a month. I guess if I can't try to conceive then I'm going to work on my weight. It will give me something to do to pass the time while I wait for the day when we can get back to trying to conceive!!

I'll Meet You Someday

When a child is taken from a mother-to-be before she gets to meet them many questions come to mind concerning their child's spiritual being. Questions like, "Did my child go to Heaven? Will I ever get to meet my baby again?" And even, "Will I recognize them in Heaven when I see them?"

In the days following my second miscarriage I spent a lot of time trying to find answers to those questions so I could deal with the intense grief that I was experiencing. In reading books on infant death and grief, and in searching passages in the Bible I found the answer to all of those questions to be, yes!

Did my child go to Heaven and will I ever meet them again? I believe with great certainty that my child did go to be with the Lord. In 2 Samuel 12, David was grieving for his dead son, and said, "I shall go to him." I think that has two meaning. First, we will all die, joining our child in the grave. Second, as Christians we are guaranteed a life in Heaven with Christ. But my unborn child wasn't a Christian so how can he or she go to be with the Lord? Unborn children cannot make moral choices and therefore remain innocent. God's perfect justice receives them into His presence. So not only will I join my child in the grave, but when I get to Heaven I will once again be reunited with them! How exciting!!!

Will I recognize my child when I get to Heaven? In Psalm 139 David states, "For you created my inmost being, you knitted me together in my mother's womb. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place." While a child is being formed in the womb God already has a record of what the child will become physically. The smallest cells that make up an unborn child's physical appearance are known to our Father from the very moment of conception! Isn't that amazing?!? We would not recognize them now because we do not see things as our Creator does, but once we join them in Heaven we will see God face-to-face and we will then know Him as we were known. And I believe that we will "know" who our child is immediately upon seeing them because of that newfound knowledge that we'll receive when we go to be with the Lord. Praise God!

What I've wanted most from God during my time of grief was to be comforted like only He can comfort me. And in searching for answers to my questions I have found an immeasurable amount of comfort and peace from my Heavenly Father. There will always be a place in my heart full of love for our unborn children, and I'm looking forward to the day when I will meet them in Heaven!

Now What?

I miss being pregnant. I miss the nausea, constipation, fatigue, everything. But most of all I miss the hope that being pregnant brought to my life. I miss the joy I felt every time I thought about our baby. I miss seeing the look on J's face when he would talk about our baby.

We're now in the grieving process, and I find myself asking, "Now what?" I've tried to figure out why this had to happen, and the only thing I can come up with is this: We live in a broken, imperfect world. And we will feel the effects of the imperfection and brokenness in the form of sickness, natural disaster, tragedy and death. So I have two choices in how I deal with the bumps in the road. I can make God the focus of my frustration and anger and allow myself to become a lost, bitter soul. Or, I can accept the comfort and peace that only God can give to help me make it through the stormy times of life.

"God, please comfort our broken hearts. Grant us your peace that passes all understanding, and help us seek you for the answer to, 'Now what?'."