Tough Day

A year ago today I got the news that something wasn't right with my second pregnancy. After my u/s and appt with Dr. K I went home on strict bedrest for 5 days. I knew then that everything was not going to end in my favor, but J had all kinds of hope. I frantically called my mom and gave her the news, and within the hour she was on the road from Houston to be at my side. It was a scary day, and the beginning to a very emotional week and a half that ultimately ended in me having a D&C.

But to this day I still hold some anger about the loss. And to be honest, most of that anger is directed at God. Why didn't He let my little one live? Why did I have to endure another loss? While I still have no answers to those questions, time has healed my heart a little, but deep down I know that I'm still angry at Him for not stepping in and saving our baby. How do I let that anger go? Will I always feel this way? For instance, I still have a hard time praying every day. I've gotten out of the habit, and I just can't seem to remember what it was like to have prayer be a part of my daily routine. I don't read my Bible every day like I did before the loss. And I find myself sitting in silence just listening to other people pray in church rather than having my own prayer time. How do I get back to the deeply religious, very faithful person that I once was?

It's been a year...and my life still isn't back to normal. I think about my losses every day. Will it always be like this? Will I ever be able to let go and release the anger that I'm feeling? I want to. I really do. I'm sure a psychologist would say that I really don't want to let the anger go because that would somehow mean that I'm willing to forget what happened. So that's why I'm holding on. And maybe that's true to an extent. But I can't keep living like this anymore. I can't still be angry about this a whole year later. I've prayed to God to help me let this go, but then I think about it and it all comes flooding back. How do I truly release it so that when I think about it I'm no longer filled with such anger and resentment? Anyone have any experiences they'd like to share?