Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

I'm waiting on my + OPK. I thought the one from this morning was +, but the more I look at it the more I'm thinking it's an almost +. However, the ones from this afternoon and this evening were definitely -. I don't think I missed my LH surge because 1.) CD14 is early for me to O, and 2.) I did this last cycle. I had an almost + kind of early, followed by several definitely -, then came the definite +. So we'll see that tomorrow holds. No EWCM, but it's watery. And my CP is HS, but not quite open. Ugh...too many factors!!! I'm having little twinges on the left side (it's always the left side, btw) so I will probably be calling tomorrow or Tuesday at the lastest to set up the IUI. I'll keep y'all posted!!!

Just Twidling My Thumbs

There's nothing new to report today other than the typical Clomid headache and fatigue. I'm still in awe (and a little anxious, truth be told) about the fact that we're moving on the IUI. I don't know why I'm in awe. I knew that was the next step, but something inside of me kept saying it wouldn't come to that. I guess I just wanted to believe so badly that us having a baby wouldn't involve a science experiment with centrifuges. It's not a bad thing, don't get me wrong, I had just hoped it could happen naturally, you know? I just keep telling myself that this is all going to be so worth it in the end. This is my ticket to parenthood, and I'm going to do everything humanly possible to see that it happens.

I didn't get much advice about IUI's with my last post. If you've gone through an IUI, PLEASE share your experiences!!!!

Plan for Cycle 15

So the plan for this cycle is to keep the Clomid at 100mg, but this time we're going to try an IUI. I'm very nervous about the IUI, and according to my doctor it only ups my chances of getting pregnant by about 5%, but at this point in the game I'll take any increase in chances that I can get!

I thought J might have some issues with the IUI, but he was on board with it. He's been saying for a few weeks now that he thinks he needs an SA done, but my doctor seems to disagree seeing as how he's gotten me pregnant twice already. He asked if they would keep a sample to test it, and I said, "No babe, they're gonna put 'em all in there. There will be no swimmer left behind." lol (For those of you who are teachers, you'll appreciated that joke.)

I just love Dr. K. He's always so reassuring and supportive. He knows where I am because it took he and his wife a long time to conceive their baby. I asked him today when I needed to quit trying. He patted me on my leg and said, "Not yet." Hearing those words really calmed my spirit. He said, "I know you're tired because it has been over a year since you started trying, and your year has held a lot of drama, but I'm still putting my money on you having a child soon." Those words were music to my ears. I know he wasn't making any promises (and honestly, I'm glad he didn't make any promises), but the fact that he isn't counting me out as a lost cause really did make me feel a whole lot better.

I told Dr. K I had been worried about my temps, and he looked at me with this look, and I knew I was in trouble. He said, "Have you ever told me you were temping?" I said, "No." Then he said, "You'll never hear me say anything about BBT because it's just too unpredictable. Quit temping!" My response to that was, "I can't. I'm obsessive." He said, "Well obsess about quitting!" So I said, "How 'bout if I don't temp after I get a solid thermal shift." He shook his head and said, "Quit temping! It's not doing you any good." I laughed and he said, "See you in a couple weeks."

Wow, I can't believe we're moving on to IUI. Any and all IUI advice is greatly appreciated!!!

That Old Saying...

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me," really applies here. I should know better than to read too much into my symptoms in the 2ww, but once again I was fooled into thinking something good might come from all the nausea I was having. So shame on me!!! I guess it's on to cycle 15. Have I said lately that this sucks?

I'm going in on Thursday to have my monthly "I'm not prengnat, give me my Clomid" appointment, and I'm pulling out all the stops. I'm asking for Metformin, and I'm asking for Progesterone to take if/when I ever get another BFP. I've got to give this my all because it stops with Clomid. We won't be going on to injections, IUI's or IVF. Clomid is my only shot at having a biological child. I kind of hate to put all my eggs (no pun intended) in one basket, but we just can't afford to sink all that money into something that might not work. So we've decided that if Clomid doesn't work we're using our savings for adoption. Wow...I can't believe I may be moving on to adoption in a couple months. This is my 4th round of Clomid since my miscarriage, and my doctor will only allow me to take 6 rounds back-to-back. I can always take a break for a few months and then get back on the Clomid train, but I'm not getting any younger. At some point we have to face reality, and reality (for us)is that Clomid might not work, and we might not ever have a child of our own. That makes me sad.

Nauseated and So Tired...

After 18 months of this I know better than to think about such things, but the nausea has been here for 3 days, and I've been tired for the last 2 days. It's hard not to think about whether this is something good. I broke down and tested last night (I know...shame on me for testing at 10DPO) and like I suspected it was a BFN. (I didn't dare tell J that I tested!) I never got early BFP's with my other pregnancies so I don't know why I thought I would if I'm pregnant this time, but a girl can hope.

We're off to visit my folks this weekend. J will be back Sunday evening, but I won't be back until Monday. Y'all have a great weekend, and I HOPE to be coming back online with some good news soon!!!

Weird Temps

My temps have been really low this cycle. When I look back at all my 9DPO temps, they've only been 98.2 degrees 2 other times. The first time it was this low was my very first cycle taking Clomid. The second time it was this low it was the second cycle of my second round of Clomid. Neither of those cycles ended in a BFP so I'm REALLY bummed right now. I was thinking of calling my doctor and asking for lab orders to get my progesterone checked, but since I'm 9DPO I'm thinking it may be too late to have it checked. *sigh* This ttc is REALLY taking a toll on my emotions. I HATE THIS!!!
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One of the contributers to the "Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory" posted the following questions to the bloggers who have their blogs listed in the directory. I found the questions very intriguing...

1. What do you want people to know about the child (or children) you have lost?
They were wanted more than anything else in this world. And just because time has passed I still want them more than life itself and miss them with every ounce of my being. I loved every minute I carried our precious babies.

2. What names did you give (or plan to give) your children and why?
We didn't name either of our angels as they were lost so early, but we do have names picked out for the children we hope to have. The two girl names we have picked out are: Melody Grace and Olivia Kate. We've only been able to come up with one boy name that we both agree on, and it's Jalen Scott.

3. What rituals or ways of memorializing your children seem to best help you cope with their loss?
I have a charm bracelet, and I bought two charms for it. One is a heart that says, "The Heart Remembers" and the other is a baby angel. I think about our babies all the time, and when I look at the charms it's just a gentle reminder that they are waiting for me in Heaven. I can't wait to hold them.

4. What are the kindest and/or most helpful things people have said to you? What are the worst?
The kindest and probably most helpful thing people have said to me is, "We're praying for you and J. We don't understnad your pain, but God does, and He's able to comfort you like no one here on Earth can." And the other thing that I found most helpful was, "We're here when you need us. Call anytime." They weren't even pretending to understand our pain, but I knew that I could come to them if I needed to talk or I needed a shoulder to cry on.

The worst thing someone has said to me is, "You'll get pregnant again in no time." I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to pregnant again soon, I wanted to be pregnant right then! The fact that they said that meant that they didn't see my loss as important and worthy of grieving. Now, don't get me wrong, I know most people don't mean to say stupid stuff like that, but even if it's not meant that way, it still stings.

5. Who is your hero? Who helps you make it through the dark days better than anyone else on the planet?
I'm really not a person who has heros. I guess I do look up to some people, and the person that I look up to most my husband is J. He was an absolute gem during those dark days when I lost our babies. I saw him cry (which I had seen before, but this time it was different). He held me. He took great care of me after my D&C. He made sure that I didn't do anything I wasn't ready to do whether that was sending an email or calling someone to tell them I wasn't ready to have people over, or taking care of the house and chores and cooking. He was just wonderful. And you know, he did all that while he was grieving, too.

6. Is there anything you need to say or want to say but haven't been able to? Can you say it now?
I think I've been pretty open here on my blog, but there are still things that I haven't said to real life friends and family. I think if there's anything that I have left to say it's, "I am not weird or needy because of all this. I don't want people's pity. I just want their prayers. And I need to be reminded constantly that I am no less of a woman because I can't or haven't had children." That's the part that hurts the most because I do feel like a broken woman because of my infertility. I need that reassurance.

7. How are you doing? How are you really doing?
Most days I'm okay, but when I see a newborn, or I hear of someone who is newly pregnant I wish I had their life. And I have to grieve our losses and my pain all over again. When I see women who drag their children around and yell at them I wish I could walk up and just give their child a hug and tell them that I would want them if they were my child. I want a baby so badly, but more than anything I want J to be a father. It breaks my heart that the one thing I should be able to give him I can't.

On Pins and Needles

I'm 8DPO, and I'm dying to know if I'm pregnant or not. I've done well so far because we've been out of town visiting J's family, but now that I'm home the wait is going to kill me! Will-power...I need will-power!!!

1DPO Today...

Well, I'm officially in the 2ww. Thankfully I'll have lots to keep my mind off everything. We're leaving tomorrow to go visit J's family. Then we'll be back for a week, and then we'll take a weekend trip to see my family. I should know if we're pregnant or not before we go see my family. Don't know if we'll tell them anything if we are. Guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I won't be able to get back on here again until we get back home, so Happy 4th of July a little early!

Today's a Down Day

I don't know why it is, but every now and then I have this day where nothing suits me, and I just can't get out of the funk I'm in. And today is one of those days. Nothing has really set me off, it's just an overall dissatisfaction with my life. There's nothing that I want more in this life than to be a mom, and here I am at 33 with no living children. Sometimes it's just more than I can take emotionally, and I spend the day in a funk. My mom emailed today because she hadn't heard from me in a while, and I had nothing to say but negative stuff. Sad. I hate days like this, but at this point in the journey it's inevitable I guess. My heart aches...and I want chips. Did I tell you I'm an emotional eater? And I'm one of the rare ones that chocolate doesn't help. It's got to be salty and crunchy.

I saw this video on Shellie's blog. Thank you so much for posting this! It's truly how I feel...I Would Die For That!

Retail Therapy

Today after learning that I'm now labeled an "infertile" I decided I needed a little retail therapy to help me cope. This is very abstract to J. He doesn't get how going shopping can bring me out of a funk. In fact, we had this conversation in one of our SS lessons this past Sunday, and all the women agreed that a little retail therapy was good for the spirits while all the men shook their heads in disbelief. But I gotta tell ya...it totally worked today. I found 2 pairs of shoes, 2 pairs of capris, 2 blouses, and a skirt. I was over the moon, and for a moment I forgot about my infertile state. So my retail therapy was a success!!

So what do you think? Does retail therapy help when you're down, even if just for a short time?

Just Got Back From the Doctor

Nothing new to report, although he offered to do an insemination (IUI) this month, but said he would like to put it off a few more cycles since I get pregnant so easily. He said he would do if I was getting antsy. I told him I was way past antsy, but that I could put it off one more cycle. So just 100mg Clomid this month, but he said if I decide at the last minute to do the IUI that I could call him the day I got a + ovulation test and he would do it 24-36 hours afterwards. I want to talk to J about it and see what he says. After all, every time word was brought up about him “making a deposit” either for a semen analysis (SA) or IUI I popped up pregnant so we’ll see if it works this time too.

I was pretty distraught to read the receipt after I checked out…infertility. Yep…I’m considered infertile. What a great way to start the day!! Hi everyone...I'm Janna and I'm infertile!

On to Cycle 16 BAH!!!

Yep...AF showed this afternoon. Can't wait to call Dr. Kleinpeter (AGAIN). This is getting SOOOOOO old!

Holy Temp Dip Batman!!!

So now I'm 11DPO. FF moved my O date from CD14 to CD16. And this morning I woke up to a 98.0 temp. I really don't think it's an implant dip...I had no covers on when I woke up so the dip is pretty deceptive. Wish I had some better news...isn't the roller coaster fun???

7DPO Today...

FF says that I O'd on CD14, but I'm not sure I agree with them. Regardless of the discrepancy I'm 1 week into the 2ww. So far I'm doing pretty good. Normally I'm chomping at the bit to test, but I think I'm pretty calm this month. I'm hoping I can hold out until my FF test date. (Fingers crossed!) J will be out of town all next week with work so when I do test he won't be here. Hopefully I'll have a great homecoming surprise for him when he returns!!!

I'm trying really hard not to read too much into the symptoms I'm having. I do have an occasional cramp, I'm pretty bloated, I'm thirsty all the time, and I'm VERY fatigued. I'm hoping those are all good signs, but I'm not banking on them just yet. The thing that's bothering me is how tired I am. I'm taking a 2 hour nap every day. Normally I would think that it's too early to be this tired, but the fact that I'm so tired really has me wondering if something's going on in there. Hopefully there's a little bean in there finding a nice home...we'll see in a week or so.

It's On...

Today is O day! Woo Hoo!!! *sings...bow-chicka-bow-wow*

Another Cycle...Blah Blah Blah

Well it's no surprise that AF showed today. With everything that happened last month I was actually glad to have that cycle come to an end. J and I decided to give it one more go on the Clomid. I guess we're just going to take it one cycle at a time.

I went in to see my doctor again, and the people at the front desk recognized that I had been there within the last 30 days. That just goes to show that I'm visiting my OB-Gyn WAYYYY too often. But Dr. K was nice as usual. He hugged me when he walked into the exam room. I could tell he truly felt sorry for me having to be there sitting on the table again. I'm so sick of the monthly exams. But what's a girl to do??? I want a kid so badly. I'm trying not to get bitter, but it's a hard struggle.

Crazy Cycle

ARGHHHHH!!! I'm about to pull my hair out!!! I have no idea what's going on with my cycle. I'm so frustrated! Any ideas???

We can't exactly call it quits with a cycle like this ending it all! ARGHHHHH!!!!!

Thinking of Calling it Quits

When we started trying to get pregnant we knew it could possibly be difficult seeing as how I don't have regular cycles and I don't ovulate on my own. But we had hopes that Clomid would work. And here we are 16 months later with no child in our arms. Don't get me wrong. I know there are lots and lots of women out there who have been trying for years with no success, but I'm running out of steam, and we're so tired of chasing a target every month.

I'm praying that there's something out there besides a fertility drug that can help regulate my hormones so that I will ovulate on my own regularly. We just want to be like a regular couple who just has sex and one day falls pregnant because they happened to have sex during the fertile time. This whole scheduling sex and propping my hips up for an hour afterwards is just for the birds! Now I know this is a pretty far-fetched dream since I have PCOS, but it's all I've got the will to do anymore. I want a child more than ANYTHING, but I just can't keep using my husband as a sperm donor. We're got to reconnect somehow, and I honestly think that this is the best thing we can do for our marriage. Am I sad? ABSOLUTELY!!! But what good is it to bring a child into a weakened marriage? I'm just not willing to risk straining my relationship with my husband in order to have a child.

J and I talked about giving up on our dream of being parents for a long time the other night. And the thing that breaks my heart the most is that I won't ever get to see myself in my child's eyes, or know that their music ability or their athletic ability came from me or J, and we'll never hear how much our child looks like us.

J is wonderful with kids, but it will always be someone else's kids that he's wonderful with. I just wanted to be able to give my husband the most amazing gift in the world...his child. And it's looking like that will never happen. I've heard that when you adopt a child you don't ever think of him or her as not being your child. They just become yours. And we've always said that we would adopt one or more children even if we could have our own, so it's not like we're opposed to the process. It's just that we had always hoped that adopting would be a choice that we made and not our only option for having a family.

This is the hardest decision I have ever made. I don't want to give up on my dream of being a mom to a little J or myself, but I know that I can't keep holding on to it either. At some point I have to come to terms with the fact that it's just not God's will for us to have our own children. But I'll always question why it's in God's will for drug addicts, alcoholics, child abusers and irresponsible teens to have them when a financially, emotionally, and spiritually stable couple can't.

Complete 180

Up until last night I was so excited about trying again, but then something happened (private matter that just doesn't need to be blabbed to the world), and now I'm questioning my faith, my God, and what my purpose is in life. I'm just amazed at how one day I could be so hopeful for our future as parents, and the next be completely ready to throw in the towel. All because of one thing that totally turned my world upside down.

We've been trying to have a baby since December 2005. In April 2006 I was diagnosed with PCOS and found out I don't ovulate on my own. But thanks to the miracles of modern medicine we were able to overcome that hurdle, and I ovulated the next month. Then came our first loss. Granted it was early (5w4d), and my doctor says the fertilized egg probably never left my tube and had the chance to implant, but still I believe that once egg and sperm meet life is created. So it was a child in my eyes. We took a month off, and four months after our loss we were pregnant again. And everything was looking great. I had nausea, headaches, my boobs ached something fierce, my bloodwork was perfect, I was bloated...I loved every minute of it! And then at our first ultrasound we saw no fetal pole or heartbeat. We gave it more time, and at our second ultrasound a fetal pole was there, but no heartbeat. By the next ultrasound two and a half weeks after my first one I had lost all my pregnancy symptoms and the ultrasound showed no heartbeat, so I had a D&C to end the pregnancy. I went into a tailspin in every way possible...emotionally, spiritually, physically. But I recovered and once again looked forward to the day when I would hold our newborn baby in my arms. We took 3 months off, and last night was to be the night when we officially started trying. And then BAM! life takes another cruel turn and I'm left to figure out where the hell I am. I'm lost, and every turn seems to lead me to a dead end.

We can't just "relax and let it happen" as so many people have suggested. I just want to scream to them, "Didn't you hear me??? I don't ovulate on my own! Everything has to be perfectly timed and very calculated!" There's no fun in sex like that!

So now I'm beginning to question God and whether He even wants us to be parents at all. My whole life I've dreamed of being a mother, but now I'm questioning why I ever dreamed of that in the first place.

Where do you turn when you feel like you've been abandoned by the only source of direction and comfort that you've ever known in life?

The Clomid Headache...

...is unbearable!!! The things I go through just to keep the family lineage going strong. UGH!