Complete 180

Up until last night I was so excited about trying again, but then something happened (private matter that just doesn't need to be blabbed to the world), and now I'm questioning my faith, my God, and what my purpose is in life. I'm just amazed at how one day I could be so hopeful for our future as parents, and the next be completely ready to throw in the towel. All because of one thing that totally turned my world upside down.

We've been trying to have a baby since December 2005. In April 2006 I was diagnosed with PCOS and found out I don't ovulate on my own. But thanks to the miracles of modern medicine we were able to overcome that hurdle, and I ovulated the next month. Then came our first loss. Granted it was early (5w4d), and my doctor says the fertilized egg probably never left my tube and had the chance to implant, but still I believe that once egg and sperm meet life is created. So it was a child in my eyes. We took a month off, and four months after our loss we were pregnant again. And everything was looking great. I had nausea, headaches, my boobs ached something fierce, my bloodwork was perfect, I was bloated...I loved every minute of it! And then at our first ultrasound we saw no fetal pole or heartbeat. We gave it more time, and at our second ultrasound a fetal pole was there, but no heartbeat. By the next ultrasound two and a half weeks after my first one I had lost all my pregnancy symptoms and the ultrasound showed no heartbeat, so I had a D&C to end the pregnancy. I went into a tailspin in every way possible...emotionally, spiritually, physically. But I recovered and once again looked forward to the day when I would hold our newborn baby in my arms. We took 3 months off, and last night was to be the night when we officially started trying. And then BAM! life takes another cruel turn and I'm left to figure out where the hell I am. I'm lost, and every turn seems to lead me to a dead end.

We can't just "relax and let it happen" as so many people have suggested. I just want to scream to them, "Didn't you hear me??? I don't ovulate on my own! Everything has to be perfectly timed and very calculated!" There's no fun in sex like that!

So now I'm beginning to question God and whether He even wants us to be parents at all. My whole life I've dreamed of being a mother, but now I'm questioning why I ever dreamed of that in the first place.

Where do you turn when you feel like you've been abandoned by the only source of direction and comfort that you've ever known in life?