http://www.wsoctv.com/seenon9/19407480/detail.html
We are friends with the donor couple, and I just wanted to share their incredible story! What an incredible gift, and I'm sure the adoptive mother had the most wonderful Mother's Day ever!
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Friday, May 9, 2008
Sunday Solution
I saw this on Kristi's blog, and it compelled me to write a letter to my pastor.
Now I know that it won't change anything for this year since I'm so late in finding Kristi's blog and her link, but I'm hoping that in the future Mother's Day will be more of a day to celebrate not only mom's, but women who have been nurturers and mother figures as well.
Dr. Page,
As a woman who has struggled for over 2 years to become a mother, I have to be honest and tell you that I am dreading Sunday with every ounce of my being. If you would, please read this article and know that I'm not sending this to you to complain. I'm sending this because I know I'm not the only woman in our congregation who is currently struggling or has struggled with infertility or pregnancy loss.
http://www.pastors.com/RWMT/article.asp?ArtID=9387
While I'm very happy for all the new mommies we have in our congregation, I
am also heartbroken because I've lost our two babies, and I will never know what it's like to have a child of my own. Please understand this doesn't come from a bitter heart. We're adopting, and I'm very grateful for the opportunity to do so, but it still breaks my heart to know that I will never have a child that looks like Jon or sings like me.
I realize the flowers have probably already been ordered, but I wanted to shed some light on a way that maybe this day could be made a little easier for those of us who are not mothers. Often times if people haven't experienced the hurt of infertility
or pregnancy loss then they don't think about those that have. I was one of
those people before we started on our journey. I wish that I had seen the
article before today, but unfortunately it didn't happen that way.
I found it too hard last year to sing in the choir, so I sat in the congregation, and as
the flowers were being handed out I had a deacon come up and ask me if I had gotten my rose yet. My heart sank because it had only been 4 months since our second loss. So to keep that from happening again I'm choosing to leave after Sunday School and not attend the service.
I believe that all women nurture children in some way or another. It just so happens that we all can't be their mommies. Which is why I'm sending you this article. Thank you for your time!! And again, I hope you know that I am in no way criticizing how the Mother's Day services are done at FBC. I just want to bring to light the fact that there are so many women out there who suffer in silence on that day. And when these strong women are in a place that should be a sanctuary from the hurts of their
daily lives, it cuts even deeper to be skipped over on a day when they long to be celebrated.Many blessing to you,
Janna
Now I know that it won't change anything for this year since I'm so late in finding Kristi's blog and her link, but I'm hoping that in the future Mother's Day will be more of a day to celebrate not only mom's, but women who have been nurturers and mother figures as well.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
I'm planning ahead
I'm still trying to figure out how to get out of going to church on Mother's Day. They hand out roses to all the mothers, and to make matters worse...they have the kids do it if they are in the service. The deacons hand them out to the mothers whose children aren't there. Last year a man came up and asked me if I'd gotten my rose. I burst into tears. I will not go through that again this year!! I miss my babies!!!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Where Has the Time Gone?
Many apologies for neglecting my blog. There hasn't been much going on in life until two days ago when our computer at home crashed. But I wasn't worried when that happened...I had everything backed up! SO I THOUGHT!!!
Two weeks ago before I left on my scrapbooking trip I backed up the computer. I dragged the "My Documents" folder onto our external hard drive, and it spent almost an hour copying files. When it was done I looked on the F drive and there were all of our pictures, documents, music files, etc....
Our computer has been running really slowly lately so we started poking around on it and noticed that several things were appearing on our computer several times. So we started deleting some of the copies. That's when the computer went haywire. J tended to the computer for hours and got it all up and running and I transferred the files from the external to the computer. That's when we noticed all of our adoption stuff, our financial files, and many other important files that were in our "My Doctuments" folder were missing from the external. I panicked!!! All those files were in the folder on the external when I left town. J thinks that our computer just didn't accept them when I loaded them back on and wiped them off the F drive somehow. He ran some recovery software, and some of the files were found, but of course not the adoption files or the financial records.
The computer had been acting up lately (not keeping our internet history even though we have it set to hold it for 5 days...the fan starts running really loudly if we're watching videos or listening to music, and it sounds like an airplane taking off...taking forever to boot up and shut down, etc...). But even with those things happening we figured we had a few more months to save up more money for a new one. Boy were we wrong!!!
J thinks that our computer reverted back to a date in October during the recovery process for some reason because he found last year's financial records up to October, but nothing from 2008 (which is when all the adoption stuff was added to the computer.) This has been a nightmare!!!!!
We're buying a new computer tomorrow, but we're lost without our financial stuff, and I'm just sick about our adoption stuff. We had already started writing our Dear BM letter, and I had some information that people had sent me about agencies and books and info about adoption. Our autobiographies that we spent HOURS writing for our HS are lost, but the agency is faxing me a copy so I can retype them on the new computer.
Now for the good news...
Our photo books that our potential BM's will look through came in, and they look AWESOME!!!!
Adoption News...
We're almost done filling out our applications for both agencies. We just have to get our family history, and that means that I have to call my dad (YUCK) to ask about my grandparents. I've tried asking my mom, but she doesn't remember. (Damn!) We're almost to the waiting point!!!! YEA!!!!!
Funny News...
I had to go see Dr. K so he could fill out a form for St. Eliz.abeth's stating that he deemed me infertile. (To remind you...St. E's give priority to infertiles...the one time being infertile has it's perks!) He came in his office and walked over like he always does to shake my hand, but this time he said, "I know you well enough to get a hug, right?" Then we talked a bit about why I was there. He said this was the first time he had ever had to fill out something this detailed. (Normally it's just a form that states that you're physically, mentally and emotionally stable enough to adopt.) He had to fill out my whole history...all procedures, all treatments, miscarriages, etc...He started laughing when it asked about my teeth. He told me to smile, and then he wrote that my teeth were healthy. He had to write my pulse rate and blood pressure, which were both elevated (130/90 and 90 bpm) b/c I had talked to J about the computer right before they took me back. He said, "That's not gonna look good." and then winked*. Then he had to write about whether I was emotionally stable enough to be a parent, and he looked up at me and said, "Well, we've never hung out socially, but you never had an emotional meltdown in my office, so I'm gonna have to say that I find you emotionally stable enough. If only I had to answer that question about all my patients."
It took him about 10-15 minutes to fill everything out. He handed it to me to read over, and I noticed everything showed that I was healthy (*wink, wink) and completely infertile. As I was leaving he said, "Please keep us posted on what happens especially since I've had to fill all this out." I laughed and said, "Yeah, now you're vested in this, huh?" And he said the sweetest thing..."I've been vested in this for you, girl." Awww, I love my doc.
He walked out after me and said, "You know what's gonna happen don't you?" And I said, "It better not now that I'm back on the Meth.otre.xate. But wouldn't that be ironic?" He winked and said, "That's why you're on the folic acid, but I'd be much more comfortable if it didn't happen. I'll see ya soon, and you better have a baby in tow."
Arthritis News...
I went to see Dr. C a couple weeks ago and she upped my Metho.trex.ate to 20mg/week and my Remi.cade to 600mg every 8 weeks, and I FEEL AMAZING!!!! I am FINALLY back to my old self. I haven't hit the gym just yet. I want to wait until after my next Remi.cade infusion, but I am PRAISING GOD that I am feeling better. My endless flare that began in October is FINALLY OVER!!!!! I can walk without limping, I can open jars without J's help, I can do laundry without my hands hurting, and I can do housework without feeling it for days afterwards (though I think I'll keep the housekeeper once a month b/c I've gotten spoiled!). I have waited for this day for months, and it's finally here!!!! A day without pain is just amazing!!!!
So that's what life in the Haik household has been like lately.
Happy Wednesday y'all!!!
Two weeks ago before I left on my scrapbooking trip I backed up the computer. I dragged the "My Documents" folder onto our external hard drive, and it spent almost an hour copying files. When it was done I looked on the F drive and there were all of our pictures, documents, music files, etc....
Our computer has been running really slowly lately so we started poking around on it and noticed that several things were appearing on our computer several times. So we started deleting some of the copies. That's when the computer went haywire. J tended to the computer for hours and got it all up and running and I transferred the files from the external to the computer. That's when we noticed all of our adoption stuff, our financial files, and many other important files that were in our "My Doctuments" folder were missing from the external. I panicked!!! All those files were in the folder on the external when I left town. J thinks that our computer just didn't accept them when I loaded them back on and wiped them off the F drive somehow. He ran some recovery software, and some of the files were found, but of course not the adoption files or the financial records.
The computer had been acting up lately (not keeping our internet history even though we have it set to hold it for 5 days...the fan starts running really loudly if we're watching videos or listening to music, and it sounds like an airplane taking off...taking forever to boot up and shut down, etc...). But even with those things happening we figured we had a few more months to save up more money for a new one. Boy were we wrong!!!
J thinks that our computer reverted back to a date in October during the recovery process for some reason because he found last year's financial records up to October, but nothing from 2008 (which is when all the adoption stuff was added to the computer.) This has been a nightmare!!!!!
We're buying a new computer tomorrow, but we're lost without our financial stuff, and I'm just sick about our adoption stuff. We had already started writing our Dear BM letter, and I had some information that people had sent me about agencies and books and info about adoption. Our autobiographies that we spent HOURS writing for our HS are lost, but the agency is faxing me a copy so I can retype them on the new computer.
Now for the good news...
Our photo books that our potential BM's will look through came in, and they look AWESOME!!!!
Adoption News...
We're almost done filling out our applications for both agencies. We just have to get our family history, and that means that I have to call my dad (YUCK) to ask about my grandparents. I've tried asking my mom, but she doesn't remember. (Damn!) We're almost to the waiting point!!!! YEA!!!!!
Funny News...
I had to go see Dr. K so he could fill out a form for St. Eliz.abeth's stating that he deemed me infertile. (To remind you...St. E's give priority to infertiles...the one time being infertile has it's perks!) He came in his office and walked over like he always does to shake my hand, but this time he said, "I know you well enough to get a hug, right?" Then we talked a bit about why I was there. He said this was the first time he had ever had to fill out something this detailed. (Normally it's just a form that states that you're physically, mentally and emotionally stable enough to adopt.) He had to fill out my whole history...all procedures, all treatments, miscarriages, etc...He started laughing when it asked about my teeth. He told me to smile, and then he wrote that my teeth were healthy. He had to write my pulse rate and blood pressure, which were both elevated (130/90 and 90 bpm) b/c I had talked to J about the computer right before they took me back. He said, "That's not gonna look good." and then winked*. Then he had to write about whether I was emotionally stable enough to be a parent, and he looked up at me and said, "Well, we've never hung out socially, but you never had an emotional meltdown in my office, so I'm gonna have to say that I find you emotionally stable enough. If only I had to answer that question about all my patients."
It took him about 10-15 minutes to fill everything out. He handed it to me to read over, and I noticed everything showed that I was healthy (*wink, wink) and completely infertile. As I was leaving he said, "Please keep us posted on what happens especially since I've had to fill all this out." I laughed and said, "Yeah, now you're vested in this, huh?" And he said the sweetest thing..."I've been vested in this for you, girl." Awww, I love my doc.
He walked out after me and said, "You know what's gonna happen don't you?" And I said, "It better not now that I'm back on the Meth.otre.xate. But wouldn't that be ironic?" He winked and said, "That's why you're on the folic acid, but I'd be much more comfortable if it didn't happen. I'll see ya soon, and you better have a baby in tow."
Arthritis News...
I went to see Dr. C a couple weeks ago and she upped my Metho.trex.ate to 20mg/week and my Remi.cade to 600mg every 8 weeks, and I FEEL AMAZING!!!! I am FINALLY back to my old self. I haven't hit the gym just yet. I want to wait until after my next Remi.cade infusion, but I am PRAISING GOD that I am feeling better. My endless flare that began in October is FINALLY OVER!!!!! I can walk without limping, I can open jars without J's help, I can do laundry without my hands hurting, and I can do housework without feeling it for days afterwards (though I think I'll keep the housekeeper once a month b/c I've gotten spoiled!). I have waited for this day for months, and it's finally here!!!! A day without pain is just amazing!!!!
So that's what life in the Haik household has been like lately.
Happy Wednesday y'all!!!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Mixed Emotions
My friend MW had her baby this morning at 6:45...Rachel Leigh. She pushed ONCE!!! They started her pitoc.in drip, laid her on the bed, and her water broke immediately. The nurse told her she was at a 5, she turned around to do whatever L&D nurses do, and 5 minutes later MW was at a 10 and the baby was crowning. They laid her on her side and told her not to push, sneeze, laugh, etc... Dr. K barely got there in time!!! He told her to give a small push, and the baby was out!
Anyway, I'm having a pretty emotional day...I've always wanted a girl (not that we would turn a boy down, but I'm just a froo froo girlie girl, so I've always wanted a girl.) I did fine at the hospital this morning, but it hit me on the way home that she now has what I've always wanted. So I'm a mess right now. To top it all off my due date for my first one is two days away (actually MW's due date is also 4/12 so I'm REALLY glad she was induced today and not Saturday). Our baby should be turning 1 in a couple days. So this really sucks! I'm putting on a happy face because I really am excited for them, but inside I'm crushed.
ETA...I went back up to the hospital this afternoon so I could spend some time with just Michelle while the family went out for lunch, and on my way I stopped by a maternity/baby store that was going out of business and had everything 50% off. I had promised MW's little boy that I would bring him something special when I came back, so I found him a cute "I'm the big brother" cloth photo album so he could show off his sister at church. And while I was there I found the softest pink blanket that I have ever felt, and on it it read "God Bless This Child". I thought it was perfect for MW. When I gave it to her she went on and on about how she didn't have a pink blanket to take Rachel home in (they didn't find out the baby's sex until today) and how appreciative she was for it. While I was there we would talk about Rachel some and then she would start talking about how excited she was about our adoption meetings and how she couldn't wait for me to bring home a baby. She told me I needed to start collecting baby things and putting them in a hope chest, but I told her I wasn't buying anything baby until after the baby was born and we knew it was ours. I mean, I *want* to buy things, but I just can't bring myself to actually *do* it. I guess it's a self-preservation thing.
I stayed for an hour or so after her family came back and more visitors started coming in, so I decided it was time to leave. I went over to MW and told her I would be back tomorrow with lunch (since she had GD she hasn't had french fries or a regular Dr. Pepp.er in a while so I promised I would bring that for her) and she grabbed my arm and told me again how beautiful the blanket was and that she loved it and couldn't wait to bring Rachel home all wrapped up in it. Then she gave my arm a squeeze as if to tell me she knew how hard it was for me to go into a store with baby things and buy it. Then she told me that she expected a full report about our meeting tonight. She said she just had a feeling that St. Eliz.abeth's was going to be the agency for us. That made me feel so good...someone, even though she's a fertile, "gets" it.
Anyway, I'm having a pretty emotional day...I've always wanted a girl (not that we would turn a boy down, but I'm just a froo froo girlie girl, so I've always wanted a girl.) I did fine at the hospital this morning, but it hit me on the way home that she now has what I've always wanted. So I'm a mess right now. To top it all off my due date for my first one is two days away (actually MW's due date is also 4/12 so I'm REALLY glad she was induced today and not Saturday). Our baby should be turning 1 in a couple days. So this really sucks! I'm putting on a happy face because I really am excited for them, but inside I'm crushed.
ETA...I went back up to the hospital this afternoon so I could spend some time with just Michelle while the family went out for lunch, and on my way I stopped by a maternity/baby store that was going out of business and had everything 50% off. I had promised MW's little boy that I would bring him something special when I came back, so I found him a cute "I'm the big brother" cloth photo album so he could show off his sister at church. And while I was there I found the softest pink blanket that I have ever felt, and on it it read "God Bless This Child". I thought it was perfect for MW. When I gave it to her she went on and on about how she didn't have a pink blanket to take Rachel home in (they didn't find out the baby's sex until today) and how appreciative she was for it. While I was there we would talk about Rachel some and then she would start talking about how excited she was about our adoption meetings and how she couldn't wait for me to bring home a baby. She told me I needed to start collecting baby things and putting them in a hope chest, but I told her I wasn't buying anything baby until after the baby was born and we knew it was ours. I mean, I *want* to buy things, but I just can't bring myself to actually *do* it. I guess it's a self-preservation thing.
I stayed for an hour or so after her family came back and more visitors started coming in, so I decided it was time to leave. I went over to MW and told her I would be back tomorrow with lunch (since she had GD she hasn't had french fries or a regular Dr. Pepp.er in a while so I promised I would bring that for her) and she grabbed my arm and told me again how beautiful the blanket was and that she loved it and couldn't wait to bring Rachel home all wrapped up in it. Then she gave my arm a squeeze as if to tell me she knew how hard it was for me to go into a store with baby things and buy it. Then she told me that she expected a full report about our meeting tonight. She said she just had a feeling that St. Eliz.abeth's was going to be the agency for us. That made me feel so good...someone, even though she's a fertile, "gets" it.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Praise You in the Wait
I saw this poem here ,and thought you all might like to read it. We're not ttc anymore so we're not waiting for our biological baby, but we're still waiting...waiting for someone to choose us to adopt their precious child.
Praise You in the Wait
by Darlene Suter
I didn’t want to get out of bed- didn’t want to face the day.
This pain of infertility- it takes my breath away.
It seems everyone around me is sharing their good news,
But every month the disappointment reminds me what I lose.
I’m not complaining, God, for I know You hear my plea.
I know You have my best in mind, even when I fail to see.
I’m just being honest with you, God, and I know that You don’t mind.
I want You to search my heart, even when I’m afraid of what You’ll find.
I want my motives to be pure when asking You for such a treasure.
I don’t want a baby for selfish reasons so I can receive the pleasure.
So I’ll wait on You with faith and when my fear persists,
I’ll ask You for the strength to stand no matter what Your answer is.
I’ll praise you because of who You are and my heart will rest assured,
Because of the depth of Your perfect love I know I can endure.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Handling My Emotions
I was told today that I seem to be handling the fact that I'm not able to give J a child of our own very well. And the girl who said that asked me how I've been able to get to this point. So this was my response...
I guess I'm writing a post about this because the more I wrote to her the more I saw myself healing from the wounds of infertility. And that REALLY excited me. I'm HEALING!!!! Praise God!!! I never thought I would ever get to this point, but I AM!!!! And I can't tell you how good that makes me feel!!!!
Honestly, I have my good days and bad days. Most days are good, but when I'm around pregnant people I withdraw quite a bit. I was telling our SW (when she asked about how I'm handling our infertility) that I'm fine with babies and children, but it's the pregnant women and baby showers that I'm having the hardest time with. I told her I thought it was because that was what I wanted so badly for us that it just strikes a huge chord in me and brings out the jealousy. But when I'm around babies and kids I don't mind it because I love kids so much.
I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter how we become parents. It's that we become parents that matters the most. It's in those jealous times when I have to repeat that over and over again. I guess after a while I just started believing it. God has a better plan for us, and He is going to take care of us. I know that we will be parents someday and that we'll make very loving parents. I think, if nothing else, that this journey will make us even better parents because of the hurdles we've had to cross and the despair we've had to muddle through. I've spent many a night crying because I can't give J a baby of our own, but then I started realizing that by adopting I am giving him a child...the perfect child for us. S/he may not have his eyes or his smile, but they will have his heart and his love for others because those things are learned. And the more I think about it the more I truly believe that the character we help our child build for him or herself is much more important than having their daddy's physical features.
I think that once we finally decided to stop fertility treatments and head full steam into adoption I came to believe my motto (that it's more important that we become parents than how we become parents) more and more.
Yes, it will be always hurt a little to see our family members and friends having their own children, but I think in the end, all that matters is that you love and care for
the child that you're given, however they may come to you. I think J said it best in his autobiography for our HS..."Blood may be thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood."
I guess I'm writing a post about this because the more I wrote to her the more I saw myself healing from the wounds of infertility. And that REALLY excited me. I'm HEALING!!!! Praise God!!! I never thought I would ever get to this point, but I AM!!!! And I can't tell you how good that makes me feel!!!!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Stupid Fertiles
Sunday I was invited to a baby shower for a friend. We're not close at all, but Elizabeth and J went to college together (though they didn't know each other personally, just knew of one another), and so occasionally we get invited to their house to watch MS State games. Elizabeth and her hubby had a couple of m/c so I was genuinely happy for them. I sucked it up, went to Tar.get got a present and a cute little gift bag, and went to the shower. I did fine. UNTIL...(You knew that was coming didn't you???)
A not-so-nice girl named Ashley walked in.
(Background: Ashley also had a couple of m/c and is 6 months pregnant, but I'm not really all that excited for her because she's a MAJOR complainer. I've seen her 4 times in the last 4 months, and every time I have seen her she has been complaining about something...morning sickness, bloating, getting kicked, back ache, peeing a lot, how tired she is, blah, blah, blah.)
Back to the story: Another friend, Sherrie, asked Ashley what was wrong because she came in with this horrible look on her face. Ashley pointed at her protruding belly and said, "This" and rolled her eyes.
I wanted to jump out of my skin!!! I think my jaw dropped to the floor. How could someone who had 2 m/c feel so horrible about being pregnant? I mean, did she not know that there would be times when she might be uncomfortable or tired? Don't get me wrong, I know that morning sickness and peeing all the time is difficult, but come on...must you complain about EVERYTHING about your prengnacy. Couldn't she be happy for the fact that she's getting kicked all the time because it means that her baby is thriving in there??? Or couldn't she be happy that the baby is sitting on her bladder because it means that the baby is growing???
It took everything in me not to walk over to her and whisper in her ear, "You know you really need to be more thankful for what you've got because you could be in my infertile shoes trying to come up $30,000 to fund an adoption. Just suck it up and put on a happy face because I would kill to be in your shoes."
But, I didn't. I was nice and just walked away when she started complaining (AGAIN).
The thing that makes me so frustrated about this is that she KNOWS about our struggles. MW asked me once if she could tell Ashley about our m/c's because Ashley was feeling alone in her grief after her second loss. *ROLLING EYES* Now I regret letting MW tell her.
MW emailed to tell me how proud of me she was that I went to the shower. She asked how I was and if I needed to talk, so I let my frustrations out even though she and Ashley are friends. I apologized for talking about her friend, but I just couldn't help it because she made that situation unbearable for me. I really was fine amidst all the baby oohs and ahhs until she walked in. Of course MW understood and told me that Ashley's parents have actually told her to quit complaining. So I feel a little bit better knowing that even her parents can't stand all the whining, but still...I was having a very rare strong moment and she ruined it.
A not-so-nice girl named Ashley walked in.
(Background: Ashley also had a couple of m/c and is 6 months pregnant, but I'm not really all that excited for her because she's a MAJOR complainer. I've seen her 4 times in the last 4 months, and every time I have seen her she has been complaining about something...morning sickness, bloating, getting kicked, back ache, peeing a lot, how tired she is, blah, blah, blah.)
Back to the story: Another friend, Sherrie, asked Ashley what was wrong because she came in with this horrible look on her face. Ashley pointed at her protruding belly and said, "This" and rolled her eyes.
I wanted to jump out of my skin!!! I think my jaw dropped to the floor. How could someone who had 2 m/c feel so horrible about being pregnant? I mean, did she not know that there would be times when she might be uncomfortable or tired? Don't get me wrong, I know that morning sickness and peeing all the time is difficult, but come on...must you complain about EVERYTHING about your prengnacy. Couldn't she be happy for the fact that she's getting kicked all the time because it means that her baby is thriving in there??? Or couldn't she be happy that the baby is sitting on her bladder because it means that the baby is growing???
It took everything in me not to walk over to her and whisper in her ear, "You know you really need to be more thankful for what you've got because you could be in my infertile shoes trying to come up $30,000 to fund an adoption. Just suck it up and put on a happy face because I would kill to be in your shoes."
But, I didn't. I was nice and just walked away when she started complaining (AGAIN).
The thing that makes me so frustrated about this is that she KNOWS about our struggles. MW asked me once if she could tell Ashley about our m/c's because Ashley was feeling alone in her grief after her second loss. *ROLLING EYES* Now I regret letting MW tell her.
MW emailed to tell me how proud of me she was that I went to the shower. She asked how I was and if I needed to talk, so I let my frustrations out even though she and Ashley are friends. I apologized for talking about her friend, but I just couldn't help it because she made that situation unbearable for me. I really was fine amidst all the baby oohs and ahhs until she walked in. Of course MW understood and told me that Ashley's parents have actually told her to quit complaining. So I feel a little bit better knowing that even her parents can't stand all the whining, but still...I was having a very rare strong moment and she ruined it.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Feeling left out
I'm feeling left out for a number of reasons.
1. Our church is having an expectant mother's luncheon this month. At this point if our baby hadn't died I wouldn't even be eligible to go because I'd already be a mom, but it still grates on my nerves that they're having this.
2. Our pastor (whom I really don't like, but just tolerate with the hopes that he'll retire soon) announces the expectant mother luncheon from the pulpit this morning and explains that our church (between the 2 campuses) has 20 expectant mothers. Then he says, "Good things are happening here at FBC." That just crawled all over me for some reason. As if nothing else good is happening at our church other than the 20+ new members that will be coming soon.
3. My dearest and closest friends here in BR are L, who just had a precious baby boy in April; MW who has a little boy and is pregnant with her second; and K who has 2 little girls. We have no close friends (here in BR) that don't have kids. And that sucks. So we're just the couple that's great with kids, but doesn't have any of their own. Not to brag, but we *are* great with kids. L's little boy just loves me. He just laughs and grins when I'm around. He looks for me to see where I am in the room. He cocks his head to his shoulder to "flirt" with me. It's adorable. And K's girls just LOVE J. He's wonderful with all of our friend's kids. We've been asked on numerous occasions to keep our friend's kids so apparently they think we're responsible enough to handle the task. I just get so angry when I think about how good we are with kids, yet we can't have any of our own. (Again, not trying to brag...just stating what we've heard over and over from our friends.)
4. I've joined my.space and face.book to connect with old classmates from high school, and inevitably when I've found an old classmate I get the question, "Do you have any kids?" and then they go on to talk about their brood. SLAP!! They don't do it on purpose, and they haven't seen me in almost 15 years so it's just a natural question to ask, but it still makes me feel even more left out and even more barren.
5. I was looking through my 2007 scrapbook (which I'm not quite finished with yet), and over half of the pages are of my niece. SAD!!! I guess the only good thing about that is at least the other half of the pages aren't about our pets. That would truly be a sad, sad album.
Lastly, this doesn't necessarily tie into the title of this post, but I have to confess something...MW found out last week that she has gestational diabetes. And you know, I can't even find anything supportive to say to her. The only thing I've said is, "I'd give anything to be in your shoes right now." I'm such a BI-YACH!! It's not even like she's complaining about it. Of course she's made it known that she's disappointed and feels like a failure, but get this...when she talked about her disappointment and feeling like a failure my reply was, "Failure...something I know all too well." Double BI-YACH!!! OMG what have I turned into that I can't even offer my friend (who, btw, has been my greatest support system through the last 2 years of IF crap) a sympathetic ear and words of encouragement??? I HATE WHAT 'IF' HAS DONE TO ME!! Or rather I hate what I've ALLOWED 'IF' to do to me!!! I'm just disgusted with myself!!!
I sent MW an email apologizing for my behavior (couldn't do it in person because I was just too embarrassed even though I was with she and L last night.) And true to form she was very gracious, understanding, and even said she didn't think anything about my comments because she knew where my heart was. Thank the Lord for such a wonderful, understanding friend, but that really doesn't excuse my harshness towards her. I'm embarrassed. This just isn't me. I've ALWAYS been a sensitive person that people come to when they're hurting. I have so much work to do to get myself back to that person.
1. Our church is having an expectant mother's luncheon this month. At this point if our baby hadn't died I wouldn't even be eligible to go because I'd already be a mom, but it still grates on my nerves that they're having this.
2. Our pastor (whom I really don't like, but just tolerate with the hopes that he'll retire soon) announces the expectant mother luncheon from the pulpit this morning and explains that our church (between the 2 campuses) has 20 expectant mothers. Then he says, "Good things are happening here at FBC." That just crawled all over me for some reason. As if nothing else good is happening at our church other than the 20+ new members that will be coming soon.
3. My dearest and closest friends here in BR are L, who just had a precious baby boy in April; MW who has a little boy and is pregnant with her second; and K who has 2 little girls. We have no close friends (here in BR) that don't have kids. And that sucks. So we're just the couple that's great with kids, but doesn't have any of their own. Not to brag, but we *are* great with kids. L's little boy just loves me. He just laughs and grins when I'm around. He looks for me to see where I am in the room. He cocks his head to his shoulder to "flirt" with me. It's adorable. And K's girls just LOVE J. He's wonderful with all of our friend's kids. We've been asked on numerous occasions to keep our friend's kids so apparently they think we're responsible enough to handle the task. I just get so angry when I think about how good we are with kids, yet we can't have any of our own. (Again, not trying to brag...just stating what we've heard over and over from our friends.)
4. I've joined my.space and face.book to connect with old classmates from high school, and inevitably when I've found an old classmate I get the question, "Do you have any kids?" and then they go on to talk about their brood. SLAP!! They don't do it on purpose, and they haven't seen me in almost 15 years so it's just a natural question to ask, but it still makes me feel even more left out and even more barren.
5. I was looking through my 2007 scrapbook (which I'm not quite finished with yet), and over half of the pages are of my niece. SAD!!! I guess the only good thing about that is at least the other half of the pages aren't about our pets. That would truly be a sad, sad album.
Lastly, this doesn't necessarily tie into the title of this post, but I have to confess something...MW found out last week that she has gestational diabetes. And you know, I can't even find anything supportive to say to her. The only thing I've said is, "I'd give anything to be in your shoes right now." I'm such a BI-YACH!! It's not even like she's complaining about it. Of course she's made it known that she's disappointed and feels like a failure, but get this...when she talked about her disappointment and feeling like a failure my reply was, "Failure...something I know all too well." Double BI-YACH!!! OMG what have I turned into that I can't even offer my friend (who, btw, has been my greatest support system through the last 2 years of IF crap) a sympathetic ear and words of encouragement??? I HATE WHAT 'IF' HAS DONE TO ME!! Or rather I hate what I've ALLOWED 'IF' to do to me!!! I'm just disgusted with myself!!!
I sent MW an email apologizing for my behavior (couldn't do it in person because I was just too embarrassed even though I was with she and L last night.) And true to form she was very gracious, understanding, and even said she didn't think anything about my comments because she knew where my heart was. Thank the Lord for such a wonderful, understanding friend, but that really doesn't excuse my harshness towards her. I'm embarrassed. This just isn't me. I've ALWAYS been a sensitive person that people come to when they're hurting. I have so much work to do to get myself back to that person.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Tyra Show
Here's one of her latest show topics...
So of course I had to go and put in my two cents...
I am 33, have PCOS, and I'm infertile. And the last thing I would want is someone calling me "obsessed" about having a biological child, something our bodies are naturally built to do. Instead of being chastized by my friends who are fertile, I would hope that they would be supportive and empathetic about my struggles.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a biological child, but telling them to "just adopt" or "relax" isn't helpful to someone who is infertile. Rather, it alienates them from the people that they should be able to go to for comfort. We already feel like we're less of a woman because we can't have children, all the while watching other women (or teens) pop them out left and right.
I hope that you will change the subject of this show to "How to Help Your Friend Who is Dealing With Inferitlity" because there are women suffering in silence for fear that their friends and family will react just as you are asking them to.
Please do your research on infertility. Go to the Resolve website, talk to fertility specialists (known as reproductive endocrinologists) about procedures that women facing infertility have to put themselves through, read books and visit message boards designed for infertile women, etc...
Please do not air the show as the description reads! You are all about helping women find their true self and encouraging them to not be ashamed of who they are. But by calling infertiles "obsessed" you are doing the exact opposite, and it isn't going to raise an infertile's self esteem one bit.
If you'd like to let your voice be heard click here.
DO YOU KNOW A WOMAN OBSESSED WITH BECOMING PREGNANT?
Do you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom? Have you seen and heard her struggle for years, felt her unvoiced jealously and seen her desperation first hand? Have you watched silently for too long as she gets her hopes up only to be disappointed and heartbroken when she can’t conceive? Has she tried extreme methods and spent a lot of money to get pregnant with no luck? Do you want to finally tell her she needs to stop the emotional and physical stress on her body and seriously consider adoption or a surrogate alternative? If you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom and getting pregnant, then SUBMIT BELOW.
Please do not submit unless you are willing to appear on “The Tyra Banks Show".
So of course I had to go and put in my two cents...
I am 33, have PCOS, and I'm infertile. And the last thing I would want is someone calling me "obsessed" about having a biological child, something our bodies are naturally built to do. Instead of being chastized by my friends who are fertile, I would hope that they would be supportive and empathetic about my struggles.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a biological child, but telling them to "just adopt" or "relax" isn't helpful to someone who is infertile. Rather, it alienates them from the people that they should be able to go to for comfort. We already feel like we're less of a woman because we can't have children, all the while watching other women (or teens) pop them out left and right.
I hope that you will change the subject of this show to "How to Help Your Friend Who is Dealing With Inferitlity" because there are women suffering in silence for fear that their friends and family will react just as you are asking them to.
Please do your research on infertility. Go to the Resolve website, talk to fertility specialists (known as reproductive endocrinologists) about procedures that women facing infertility have to put themselves through, read books and visit message boards designed for infertile women, etc...
Please do not air the show as the description reads! You are all about helping women find their true self and encouraging them to not be ashamed of who they are. But by calling infertiles "obsessed" you are doing the exact opposite, and it isn't going to raise an infertile's self esteem one bit.
If you'd like to let your voice be heard click here.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Soul Searching
I've done a ton of soul searching lately to really get down to the center of my feelings. Most days I come up with nothing, but yesterday I had an epiphany (FINALLY). I think the thing that I'm most angry about is not the m/c's or the two years that we tried and failed to have a baby, but it's the fact that with the end of this cycle comes the end of my fertility. I will never be able to ttc again because Dr. C said that I cannot get off the Meth.otre.xate again, which means I will be on bcp until I hit menopause. That has been the hardest thing for me to stomach. Yes, there is still some anger about the m/c's, but most of my anger now is pointed at the fact that I will never be a mother to my own biological children. But the thing is, I'm not angry with God about losing my fertility at such a young age. I'm angry with myself, my body, the fact that I have arthritis, etc... I feel like a huge failure. But more than anything I feel like I let J down, and knowing that I've let him down really makes me even more angry at myself. I know there are many women out there that haven't been able to have their own children and have gone on to live perfectly happy lives, but for me to never have my own child really crushes the inner core of my being. Should it? Probably not, but it does.
Again, I can't thank you ladies enough for praying for me and offering words of comfort. You truly have been HUGE blessings in my life!!!! I just hope I can return the favor one day!!
Again, I can't thank you ladies enough for praying for me and offering words of comfort. You truly have been HUGE blessings in my life!!!! I just hope I can return the favor one day!!
Friday, January 4, 2008
Tough Day
A year ago today I got the news that something wasn't right with my second pregnancy. After my u/s and appt with Dr. K I went home on strict bedrest for 5 days. I knew then that everything was not going to end in my favor, but J had all kinds of hope. I frantically called my mom and gave her the news, and within the hour she was on the road from Houston to be at my side. It was a scary day, and the beginning to a very emotional week and a half that ultimately ended in me having a D&C.
But to this day I still hold some anger about the loss. And to be honest, most of that anger is directed at God. Why didn't He let my little one live? Why did I have to endure another loss? While I still have no answers to those questions, time has healed my heart a little, but deep down I know that I'm still angry at Him for not stepping in and saving our baby. How do I let that anger go? Will I always feel this way? For instance, I still have a hard time praying every day. I've gotten out of the habit, and I just can't seem to remember what it was like to have prayer be a part of my daily routine. I don't read my Bible every day like I did before the loss. And I find myself sitting in silence just listening to other people pray in church rather than having my own prayer time. How do I get back to the deeply religious, very faithful person that I once was?
It's been a year...and my life still isn't back to normal. I think about my losses every day. Will it always be like this? Will I ever be able to let go and release the anger that I'm feeling? I want to. I really do. I'm sure a psychologist would say that I really don't want to let the anger go because that would somehow mean that I'm willing to forget what happened. So that's why I'm holding on. And maybe that's true to an extent. But I can't keep living like this anymore. I can't still be angry about this a whole year later. I've prayed to God to help me let this go, but then I think about it and it all comes flooding back. How do I truly release it so that when I think about it I'm no longer filled with such anger and resentment? Anyone have any experiences they'd like to share?
But to this day I still hold some anger about the loss. And to be honest, most of that anger is directed at God. Why didn't He let my little one live? Why did I have to endure another loss? While I still have no answers to those questions, time has healed my heart a little, but deep down I know that I'm still angry at Him for not stepping in and saving our baby. How do I let that anger go? Will I always feel this way? For instance, I still have a hard time praying every day. I've gotten out of the habit, and I just can't seem to remember what it was like to have prayer be a part of my daily routine. I don't read my Bible every day like I did before the loss. And I find myself sitting in silence just listening to other people pray in church rather than having my own prayer time. How do I get back to the deeply religious, very faithful person that I once was?
It's been a year...and my life still isn't back to normal. I think about my losses every day. Will it always be like this? Will I ever be able to let go and release the anger that I'm feeling? I want to. I really do. I'm sure a psychologist would say that I really don't want to let the anger go because that would somehow mean that I'm willing to forget what happened. So that's why I'm holding on. And maybe that's true to an extent. But I can't keep living like this anymore. I can't still be angry about this a whole year later. I've prayed to God to help me let this go, but then I think about it and it all comes flooding back. How do I truly release it so that when I think about it I'm no longer filled with such anger and resentment? Anyone have any experiences they'd like to share?
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Happy New Year!!
I know I've been away from my little blog lately. I'm sorry!!! But I just had to get away from the IF for a while. I know I'm technically not accomplishing anything by running away, but it felt good not to think about it for a while.
So I think my last cycle is a bust. I don't know if I o'd or not. It's rediculous!! Ever since I started taking the Met my cycles have been so unpredictable even with taking Clom.id or Fem.ara. FRUSTRATING!!!! So...I GIVE UP!!! It's CD21 and I'm more confused than I've ever been!!! So, I've decided that we've had our last round of ttc sex. If I haven't o'd yet then too bad. I just can't keep waiting on my body to function properly. I have done lots of research on adoption agencies over the holdidays so I'm officially beginning our adoption process today by requesting information from the ones that I think we fit with.
Hoping and praying 2008 brings you love, happiness, answered prayers and fulfilled dreams!!!
So I think my last cycle is a bust. I don't know if I o'd or not. It's rediculous!! Ever since I started taking the Met my cycles have been so unpredictable even with taking Clom.id or Fem.ara. FRUSTRATING!!!! So...I GIVE UP!!! It's CD21 and I'm more confused than I've ever been!!! So, I've decided that we've had our last round of ttc sex. If I haven't o'd yet then too bad. I just can't keep waiting on my body to function properly. I have done lots of research on adoption agencies over the holdidays so I'm officially beginning our adoption process today by requesting information from the ones that I think we fit with.
Hoping and praying 2008 brings you love, happiness, answered prayers and fulfilled dreams!!!
Friday, December 14, 2007
CD1
Enough said about that.
Exactly 2 years ago today I was CD 1, but so excited because we were starting our journey to have a baby. Ironic? I think not. I think it's God's way of saying, "You're not gonna have a child of your own! Stop trying to force it to happen!" So I guess it's a good thing we're stopping. It couldn't be a more perfect time, huh?
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I called this morning to let Dr. K's nurse know I was CD1, and Dr. K called back while I was at J's Christmas party at work. I didn't have my phone on me (STUPID), so he left a message. He was so sweet, very apologetic...it made me cry. I decided to go in for the "I'm not pregnant" appt to talk about options. I don't think I have many, but I want to hear that from him. Plus, I need a pap. I haven't had one in over 2 years. (Shame on me!)
Another ironic happening...I have to sing "The Prayer" tonight for our Christmas performance at church. (It's not really a Christmas song, but that's what our director wanted me to sing with him.) If you haven't ever heard it, you'll cry. It talks about God being our guide, taking care of us when things go wrong, watching over us, etc...I started bawling when I was practing earlier. I've NEVER cried before, but now that our future is so up in the air, and my heart is broken about not having a baby of our own, I know I'm going to cry tonight.
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Dr. K just called back. He asked me how I was doing, and my reply was, "Shitty." (Sorry for the language, but in all honesty that's how I'm feeling right now.)
He told me he was so hoping we wouldn't have to have this conversation, and that he really was sorry. I believe him. I think he's pretty darn invested in this thing. He asked me what we wanted to do, and I told him we had talked in great length about it, and we were ready to quit. I told him that this has really changed mine and J's relationship, and it just wasn't worth the stress, heartache, etc... I told him that our insurance only paid for diagnostics, and we just weren't going to depleat our savings on injectables or IVF. If we're going to depeat our savings it was going to be on an adoption. He said he understood, but that he hated to see me quit because I had had success. I told him the only concern I had with quitting was that I would regret a couple years down the road. So he said, "There's nothing wrong with going back to just clomid with no iui's, no opk's. You know your body, and you have this down." He told me I could take the clomid as long as I wanted to. He suggested that J and I talk about it, and possibly give it more time with clomid, no opk's, no iui's, just going into this with the mindset of "if it works...wonderful, if it doesn't...that's okay." But I don't know that I can do that after being so invested emotionally. He told me not to make any decisions today, for us to talk about it over the holidays and when I come in for my annual in January we could discuss it further with him.
A part of me wants to keep trying, like he said, with just the clomid and none of the other crap. I DO know my body, and I DO have this down. I don't think I need all the charting and opk's. I just don't know that I can truly let go, and to go about it that way I'm going to have to let go. I want this too bad. We're still moving forward with adoption plans. In January I'm going to start requesting packets from adoption agencies, and in the spring I'm making my appt for lasik (to spend all the medical pre-tax money we set aside for fertility treatments). And hopefully once we get all wrapped up in the adoption stuff I can let go a little bit and we can go the clomid-only route.
Dr. Phil had a show about women desperate to be a mother, and there was a woman with PCOS who had tried to get pregnant, but had no other option than to move on to injectables. Her husband was dead set in not going into debt over something that wasn't guaranteed. He wanted to invest in a house for the two of them. And Dr. Phil told him, "You don't want to do this because it's an investment without a guarantee, and I understand that. But you have to invest in your relationship, and if this is what your wife wants to do, and nothing else will make her happy, then isn't that an investment?"
I agree with that statement, but in talking with J about that show I came to the realization that I wanted to invest in our relationship by NOT going to an RE. Our relationship is too important to keep putting the stress and strain of ttc on it. I have to find a way to be happy some other way. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, but this is what's right for us. J is the most important person in my life, and if I keep going the way that I am, there won't be much left of our relationship. If we were to keep going and something were to happen and I were lose him over this, I would never be able to forgive myself. Infertility tears families apart all the time, and that's something I'm not willing to chance. If I can go back to that "if it happens...great, if not...that's okay" mentality like I had in the beginning then maybe we can do this again. But for now I have to follow my gut and hang this up.
Exactly 2 years ago today I was CD 1, but so excited because we were starting our journey to have a baby. Ironic? I think not. I think it's God's way of saying, "You're not gonna have a child of your own! Stop trying to force it to happen!" So I guess it's a good thing we're stopping. It couldn't be a more perfect time, huh?
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I called this morning to let Dr. K's nurse know I was CD1, and Dr. K called back while I was at J's Christmas party at work. I didn't have my phone on me (STUPID), so he left a message. He was so sweet, very apologetic...it made me cry. I decided to go in for the "I'm not pregnant" appt to talk about options. I don't think I have many, but I want to hear that from him. Plus, I need a pap. I haven't had one in over 2 years. (Shame on me!)
Another ironic happening...I have to sing "The Prayer" tonight for our Christmas performance at church. (It's not really a Christmas song, but that's what our director wanted me to sing with him.) If you haven't ever heard it, you'll cry. It talks about God being our guide, taking care of us when things go wrong, watching over us, etc...I started bawling when I was practing earlier. I've NEVER cried before, but now that our future is so up in the air, and my heart is broken about not having a baby of our own, I know I'm going to cry tonight.
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Dr. K just called back. He asked me how I was doing, and my reply was, "Shitty." (Sorry for the language, but in all honesty that's how I'm feeling right now.)
He told me he was so hoping we wouldn't have to have this conversation, and that he really was sorry. I believe him. I think he's pretty darn invested in this thing. He asked me what we wanted to do, and I told him we had talked in great length about it, and we were ready to quit. I told him that this has really changed mine and J's relationship, and it just wasn't worth the stress, heartache, etc... I told him that our insurance only paid for diagnostics, and we just weren't going to depleat our savings on injectables or IVF. If we're going to depeat our savings it was going to be on an adoption. He said he understood, but that he hated to see me quit because I had had success. I told him the only concern I had with quitting was that I would regret a couple years down the road. So he said, "There's nothing wrong with going back to just clomid with no iui's, no opk's. You know your body, and you have this down." He told me I could take the clomid as long as I wanted to. He suggested that J and I talk about it, and possibly give it more time with clomid, no opk's, no iui's, just going into this with the mindset of "if it works...wonderful, if it doesn't...that's okay." But I don't know that I can do that after being so invested emotionally. He told me not to make any decisions today, for us to talk about it over the holidays and when I come in for my annual in January we could discuss it further with him.
A part of me wants to keep trying, like he said, with just the clomid and none of the other crap. I DO know my body, and I DO have this down. I don't think I need all the charting and opk's. I just don't know that I can truly let go, and to go about it that way I'm going to have to let go. I want this too bad. We're still moving forward with adoption plans. In January I'm going to start requesting packets from adoption agencies, and in the spring I'm making my appt for lasik (to spend all the medical pre-tax money we set aside for fertility treatments). And hopefully once we get all wrapped up in the adoption stuff I can let go a little bit and we can go the clomid-only route.
Dr. Phil had a show about women desperate to be a mother, and there was a woman with PCOS who had tried to get pregnant, but had no other option than to move on to injectables. Her husband was dead set in not going into debt over something that wasn't guaranteed. He wanted to invest in a house for the two of them. And Dr. Phil told him, "You don't want to do this because it's an investment without a guarantee, and I understand that. But you have to invest in your relationship, and if this is what your wife wants to do, and nothing else will make her happy, then isn't that an investment?"
I agree with that statement, but in talking with J about that show I came to the realization that I wanted to invest in our relationship by NOT going to an RE. Our relationship is too important to keep putting the stress and strain of ttc on it. I have to find a way to be happy some other way. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, but this is what's right for us. J is the most important person in my life, and if I keep going the way that I am, there won't be much left of our relationship. If we were to keep going and something were to happen and I were lose him over this, I would never be able to forgive myself. Infertility tears families apart all the time, and that's something I'm not willing to chance. If I can go back to that "if it happens...great, if not...that's okay" mentality like I had in the beginning then maybe we can do this again. But for now I have to follow my gut and hang this up.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
"I Will Be a Wonderful Mother"
I saw this on FF, and wanted to post it. It speaks volumes about how I feel, and I'm sure how many of you feel as well.
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
~ Author Unknown ~
Monday, December 3, 2007
More Than I Can Handle
In the last 3 days I've heard about 3 different people who have gotten pregnant. While I'm happy for them I'm really sad for myself. Two of the girls are just aquaintances, but they've both had more than one miscarriage, so for them I'm really excited. But the third already has 2 kids. I'm happy for her, too, because she's a very dear friend. But WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN??????? I'm so tired of being lapped!! I would never wish this IF crap on ANYONE. I just want my turn too!!!!!!
Gosh, I sound so bitter, but how can I not be when I'm coming up on 2 years of ttc???
Gosh, I sound so bitter, but how can I not be when I'm coming up on 2 years of ttc???
Saturday, December 1, 2007
WTHeck?
No temp rise this morning!!! OMG!!! We just wasted $400 on an ill timed IUI. I'm so freakin' frustrated, confused, etc... Guess we'll keep on BD'ing until my temp decides to do something. This cycle has been so weird. I've never O'd this late, but I did start Met this cycle so I guess anything new can throw off a cycle. I never felt sharp O pains, but last night I felt a few little somethings, so I was so sure I was O'ing last night. I never got a true + opk. But then again, I was using some pretty cheap tests so I just went with the one that corresponded with my CP and CM. Now I'm just pissed!!! Help!!! For you charting experts...click on the my charting ticker and tell me what you think!!!!
UGH I HATE THIS!!!!!!
UGH I HATE THIS!!!!!!
Monday, November 5, 2007
In Honor of National Infertility Awareness Week...
Nothing too original here. I'm of the midset that sometimes it's just easier to be quick and to the point.
November 4-10 is NIAW...I've copied the week's events from the Resolve website.
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Sunday, November 4: Attend a Local Event/Find a Support Group
Monday, November 5: Shop 'till you drop with RESOLVE’s shopping partners
Tuesday, November 6: Virtual Advocacy Day
Wednesday, November 7: Give to RESOLVE
Thursday, November 8: Sign our Pledge of Resolution
Friday, November 9: Ask your employer for coverage—new section possibly
Saturday, November 10: Spread the Word—tell a friend
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And for those of you who have a friend or loved one who suffers with infertility, I highly recommend reading the following blog entries.
How to Be Friends with an Infertile by Tertia Nee
Being a Good Friend to Someone Struggling with Infertility by Jen Jobart
November 4-10 is NIAW...I've copied the week's events from the Resolve website.
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Sunday, November 4: Attend a Local Event/Find a Support Group
Monday, November 5: Shop 'till you drop with RESOLVE’s shopping partners
Tuesday, November 6: Virtual Advocacy Day
Wednesday, November 7: Give to RESOLVE
Thursday, November 8: Sign our Pledge of Resolution
Friday, November 9: Ask your employer for coverage—new section possibly
Saturday, November 10: Spread the Word—tell a friend
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
And for those of you who have a friend or loved one who suffers with infertility, I highly recommend reading the following blog entries.
How to Be Friends with an Infertile by Tertia Nee
Being a Good Friend to Someone Struggling with Infertility by Jen Jobart
Monday, October 29, 2007
Infertility Charm
A few weekend's ago my mom came to visit, and she bought me this charm...
It's called "Infertility, The Unopened Gift". And it came with a card that read,
Lord God, What will you give me, seeing I go childless?
Genesis 15:2God gives to each many gifts. Some have been opened, while others remain unopened. Either way, God will provide the gift or gifts He has designed and created for you. He will give you the desire of your heart or remove the desire. Waiting is hard, but remember, God's timing is perfect.
Hear my prayer, O Lord God almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Look upon our shield O God; look with favor on your annoited one.
Psalm 84: 8-9This tiny little gift box is a symbol that God has a special gift for you. You may not know what it is yet, but one day you will praise the Lord for the 'gift' from above.
When I read the card that came with the charm I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. I want to open this gift, but for some reason God's timing hasn't allowed me to do so. I feel like a child before Christmas staring longingly at all the gifts under the tree. I have this desire to grab the gift and open it, but I know that I can't because it's not time. It's so hard to be patient, and I don't like it at all, but in the end I know this isn't my journey to write. I just have to patiently wait for God to hand me the gift on the perfect day that He has planned and give me permission to open it. Much like we all do on Christmas morning.
I do believe that God will give me the desire of my heart to become a mom. I just don't know how. Will he remove the desire to become a mother to J's child if it's not His will for that to happen? I certainly hope so because this longing that fills my soul is so strong. I hope that at that perfect time God will hand me the gift and have me open it, but if not, I know that God will take care of me and see me through the process of mourning my infertility before we move on to adoption. But in the meantime I pray every day that I can open this precious gift. And friends, I pray that for you as well!!! And for those of you who have already been given this precious gift to open, I celebrate with you!!
If you'd like to order this charm click here. They also have an adoption charm called "The Chosen Hand".
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Thinking of Changing the Name of My Blog...
...to "Reproductively Challenged"!! What do you think??? (Can you tell I'm hyped up on pain killers???)
Thanks for being so sweet to J for standing in for me. Funny thing was, he was hollering at me from the office to ask me if what he said was okay. Of course I was still half asleep, but found what he said to be perfect.
He's been such a great nurse. I'm so blessed!!!
Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes! They mean the world to me!!!
I'm headed back to the couch. I just know J has set up a camera somewhere to watch my every move and make sure I don't do too much today. HA HA!!
TTYS!!
Thanks for being so sweet to J for standing in for me. Funny thing was, he was hollering at me from the office to ask me if what he said was okay. Of course I was still half asleep, but found what he said to be perfect.
He's been such a great nurse. I'm so blessed!!!
Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes! They mean the world to me!!!
I'm headed back to the couch. I just know J has set up a camera somewhere to watch my every move and make sure I don't do too much today. HA HA!!
TTYS!!
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