Feeling left out

I'm feeling left out for a number of reasons.

1. Our church is having an expectant mother's luncheon this month. At this point if our baby hadn't died I wouldn't even be eligible to go because I'd already be a mom, but it still grates on my nerves that they're having this.

2. Our pastor (whom I really don't like, but just tolerate with the hopes that he'll retire soon) announces the expectant mother luncheon from the pulpit this morning and explains that our church (between the 2 campuses) has 20 expectant mothers. Then he says, "Good things are happening here at FBC." That just crawled all over me for some reason. As if nothing else good is happening at our church other than the 20+ new members that will be coming soon.

3. My dearest and closest friends here in BR are L, who just had a precious baby boy in April; MW who has a little boy and is pregnant with her second; and K who has 2 little girls. We have no close friends (here in BR) that don't have kids. And that sucks. So we're just the couple that's great with kids, but doesn't have any of their own. Not to brag, but we *are* great with kids. L's little boy just loves me. He just laughs and grins when I'm around. He looks for me to see where I am in the room. He cocks his head to his shoulder to "flirt" with me. It's adorable. And K's girls just LOVE J. He's wonderful with all of our friend's kids. We've been asked on numerous occasions to keep our friend's kids so apparently they think we're responsible enough to handle the task. I just get so angry when I think about how good we are with kids, yet we can't have any of our own. (Again, not trying to brag...just stating what we've heard over and over from our friends.)

4. I've joined my.space and face.book to connect with old classmates from high school, and inevitably when I've found an old classmate I get the question, "Do you have any kids?" and then they go on to talk about their brood. SLAP!! They don't do it on purpose, and they haven't seen me in almost 15 years so it's just a natural question to ask, but it still makes me feel even more left out and even more barren.

5. I was looking through my 2007 scrapbook (which I'm not quite finished with yet), and over half of the pages are of my niece. SAD!!! I guess the only good thing about that is at least the other half of the pages aren't about our pets. That would truly be a sad, sad album.

Lastly, this doesn't necessarily tie into the title of this post, but I have to confess something...MW found out last week that she has gestational diabetes. And you know, I can't even find anything supportive to say to her. The only thing I've said is, "I'd give anything to be in your shoes right now." I'm such a BI-YACH!! It's not even like she's complaining about it. Of course she's made it known that she's disappointed and feels like a failure, but get this...when she talked about her disappointment and feeling like a failure my reply was, "Failure...something I know all too well." Double BI-YACH!!! OMG what have I turned into that I can't even offer my friend (who, btw, has been my greatest support system through the last 2 years of IF crap) a sympathetic ear and words of encouragement??? I HATE WHAT 'IF' HAS DONE TO ME!! Or rather I hate what I've ALLOWED 'IF' to do to me!!! I'm just disgusted with myself!!!

I sent MW an email apologizing for my behavior (couldn't do it in person because I was just too embarrassed even though I was with she and L last night.) And true to form she was very gracious, understanding, and even said she didn't think anything about my comments because she knew where my heart was. Thank the Lord for such a wonderful, understanding friend, but that really doesn't excuse my harshness towards her. I'm embarrassed. This just isn't me. I've ALWAYS been a sensitive person that people come to when they're hurting. I have so much work to do to get myself back to that person.