Do you have any kids?

Who knew that question could be so hard to answer. The thing is most people don't think twice about asking, and up until a few months ago the question didn't bother me because I was still hopeful that it would happen in due time. But here we are 16 months and 2 miscarriages later still trying, so that question stings.

I was holding little Benjamin Tuesday night when another visitor innocently asked if we had any kids. At first it took me by surprise, but I quickly recovered and timidly replied, "No, not yet." I turned my attention back to little Benjamin, and hoped that the conversation would turn to something else. And sure enough it did, but the sting didn't go away. I didn't get the chance to look at Lauren, but I'm sure she was dying inside. She knows what we've been through, and she knows how difficult it is for me to still be saying no.

I can't keep people from asking me if we have any kids. I just hope that one day my answer will be, "Yes."

Infertility is great because...

I saw a post on FF yesterday with this title, and at first I couldn't believe someone was posting this. But the more I thought about it and the more I read other's responses I became sucked in. These are my favorite answers...

• "...I'm no longer afraid of how we'll pay for diapers/child care/toys/college funds etc. since I know once we DO get pg, the money I've been spending for things to pee on will surely cover those expenses with vacation money to spare!"
• "...I now know (in great detail) what the inside of my uterus looks like!"
• "...We'll never need birth control again. And none of our kids can ever claim to be an 'accident'."
• "...after all the testing and exams, I've overcome 'stirrup anxiety'."
• "...people think DH and I don't, or don't know how to, have sex. Silly people...if they only knew I know more about the male and female reproductive system than most AND not only do we have sex we schedule it!!"
• "...Each month I am NOT pregnant I can get drunk!"
• "...I ran across the syllabus for a med school course on infertility, and I was familiar with every single topic...I felt soooo smart!!!"
• "...my RE told me I know more about the reproductive process than most OBs!"
• "...my insurance is finally paying out more than my wallet is handing them."
• "...I have to use my toes and DH's hands to count the number of people who have seen my Hoo Ha!"
• "...I am the one that is taking the longest to get pregnant out of all my RL friends and family. I'm so proud!!"
• "...I get asked to watch everyone's kids because I don't have any and I 'must' have the time."
• "...when someone needs help with something I'm the first one they call because..again.. I have no kids! I 'am' so special!!!"
• "...I realized all that worrying I did when I was a teenager, having sex, and getting pregnant was for nothing."
• "...all of my friends with newborns complain about how tired they are because they never sleep. While every night I sleep soundly with my DH by my side."

Sometimes it helps to take a little time to laugh to give you a new perspective on a situation. Care to add any? Feel free to comment.

The Clomid Headache...

...is unbearable!!! The things I go through just to keep the family lineage going strong. UGH!

Welcome to Our World, Benjamin!

Benjamin came into this world on April 23rd at 8:00 PM weighing in at 8 lbs 8 oz and was 22" long. Congratulations L and C!!! He's beautiful!!!

Taking Clomid Again!

I can't believe I'm finally taking Clomid again. Gotta love the Clomid headache! I'm a little nervous about taking it. The whole time we were on our ttc break I was antsy to get back to ttc, but now that it's time I'm nervous. I'm worried about losing another baby. While it's completely out of my hands it's hard to not think about it since I've had two losses already. I'm worried that it won't work this time and I'll never give J the children he wants.

God, please calm my heart and help me to place my worries at your feet. I trust in you. I trust in your plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
--Jer 29:11

Prayer for Our Friends

I am in shock over some news that we received last night from one of J's high school friends. D had a little baby boy, C, last week, and this weekend she went in to check on him and found him in his crib not breathing. They called 911, and baby C was rushed to the hospital and put on a respirator until they could determine if there was any brain activity. D and her husband JR had to do the unthinkable and turn off the respirator because there was no brain activity. Apparently C died of SIDS just days after being brought home from the hospital.

My heart aches for JR and D. Please keep them in your prayers as they work through their grief over the loss of their precious little boy, C.

YIPPEE IT'S CYCLE NUMBER THREE!!!!!

This last cycle has been the cycle from hell! I was put on a different BCP this month because the one I was on before we started TTC is no longer made. I was hesitant seeing as how the only other time my BCP was changed I started having migraines. It started out okay, but as the cycle went on I started getting horrible headaches. No migraines, thank God, but they were worse than the Clomid headaches, and I thought those were just a step below migraines. It seems that I was wrong because these headaches were so much worse, and nothing took the edge off.

I finished my last pill in the package last Thursday, so I expected to be starting cycle 3 post D&C on Monday because I always start my cycle 4 days after I take the last pill. Monday came and went with no AF, and Tuesday came and went with no AF. The only thing I had was a huge, gigantic headache! So today I wasn't cramping, nauseated, or bloated so I figured AF was not on her way. I couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. Based on my temps I know I didn't O so there was NO WAY I could be pregnant. (But boy wouldn't that have been a kicker! After all the Clomid I get pregnant on a BCP cycle!! Ha Ha!!) I was giving it until Thursday, and then I was calling my doctor to see if he had any insights.

I had gone to the mall this afternoon to try and find a couple birthday presents for my best friend and her daughter, and along the way I started trying on dresses. All of the sudden I got this urge to go to the bathroom to check because something just didn't feel right. Low and behold I had started! I almost screamed out, "Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus!" right there in the bathroom stall! Good thing I didn't because there was a lady in the stall next to me. But it gets better...we both came out of the stall at the same time..."Well, hello, Ms. Brown!!!"...she goes to my church!!!

So I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 7:45 to get my Clomid Rx, and I'll start taking it Sunday evening. I am just elated that the wait is finally over! We can FINALLY start TTC again! It's been a long 3 cycles, but I made it through...God, please let me get pregnant with a healthy sticky bean!!!!!

Memaw

My grandmother has been sick for quite some time with conjestive heart failure. And every few months fluid builds up in her lungs and around her heart and she has to be put in the hospital to have it all drained off. For the last year she's been living in an assisted living center because it got too hard for my aunt, who has lived with Memaw for the last 10 years or so, to take care of her and still work full time. Memaw really loved her little room at Parson's House. She had it decorated with pictures of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

Last Monday Mom called and said that Memaw was getting worse, and they decided it was finally time to moved her to Hospice care. As hard as it was for them to come to that decision I know it was the best one. Memaw had a pace maker put in when she was 84 years old, and for the last couple years the pace maker has been doing 100% of the work for her heart, and she's been on oxygen for a good portion of each day because she just doesn't have the energy to breathe well on her own. Her quality of life just wasn't what it used to be, and that frustrated her. So Monday they moved her to the Hospice Hospital in Houston. The nurses told Mom that Memaw didn't have much longer. Each breath she took was very labored, and at one point she was only taking 6 breaths a minute.

My last visit with Memaw was just a few weeks ago. We had gone to Houston for the weekend, and Sunday after church we went out to Parson's House to visit. We took Maddie, our miniature Dachshund out there. Memaw loved dogs. They always put a smile on her face so we thought seeing Maddie would give her a little joy. We only stayed about 30 minutes. We could tell she wasn't feeling well and that she was very weak. But the visit was good. When we left we gave Memaw a hug and a kiss and told her we would see her again soon. I was shocked to see a tear rolling down her face.

Tuesday morning Mom called and said that Memaw wasn't waking up at all, not even to eat or drink. So she felt sure it was just a matter of time. Several of my family members went to see her and tell her how much they loved her. We couldn't get back into town, but I had Mom tell her we loved her. Mom said everyone finally left the hospital around 10:30 Tuesday night. At one point she said it got kind of loud as they were remembering things from their childhood. She said they laughed some, cried some, and remembered lots. Memaw slept through the whole thing, at least they thought she was asleep, but at one point my aunt looked at her and saw a tear rolling down her face. That's when it got quiet, and they each stood with her and told her it was okay for her to go. That they would see her again some day.

At 12:08AM Wednesday morning Memaw went to be with Jesus. It's a bittersweet thing. She's no longer in pain, and she's no longer suffering, but not having her here anymore makes life seem empty. The fact that she cried when J and I left a few weeks ago makes me wonder if she knew that would be the last time she would see us here on earth.

Memaw was the youngest of 4 children. She married Granddaddy, a Southern Baptist Pastor, at the age of 18, and in her early 40's lost him to a heart attack. She had 6 children with him, 4 of which are still living. She married my Pepaw in 1971, and was married to him for 11 years until he died of cancer. She has 13 grandchildren and 13 great-grandchildren. What a legacy!!!

I miss my Memaw, but I know that I will see her again one day. Say hello to my babies, Memaw!!!

Guardians

A few months ago my brother, B, calls and asks us to be my niece's legal guardian should anything happen to he and my SIL. Of course we are happy to do it because I absolutely adore my niece. We have this incredible bond! J teases me about the fact that we have so many pictures of her up in our house. He says it looks like she's our child. And our scrapbooks...she's all over them. But I just love her so much. She's the bright spot in all the darkness that we've been through lately.

Today my cousin, E, called to tell me she's pregnant again. I'm really excited for her. She called not just to share her good news, but to also ask if we would be the guardians for their two kids. E has a step-brother, but he's in his late thirties and still lives at home with his mom. And my E's husband has a sister, but he doesn't approve of how she raises her children so he doesn't want his children to be raised by her should anything happen to he and my cousin. E is my closest cousin, and actually she has offered to be our surrogate, but dispite her offering, we were honored that they would want us to care for their children.

It's odd...my brother and my cousin both would trust J and I with their most "prized possessions". I wonder why God doesn't trust us to raise our own. Is this really our lot in life...to be everyone's legal guardians? Lord knows I don't want anything to happen to my family members, but I can't help but wonder if this is how we're going to have a family. God, please don't let it be...