We Booked Our 5th Anniversary Vacation!!

I'm so excited! J and I have been tossing around ideas of where to go for our 5th anniversary for several weeks now. We knew we didn't want a "touristy" vacation where we'd be going from place to place non-stop. We wanted to go somewhere and relax, enjoy each other's company, and then come home refreshed and rejuvinated. We thought about a trip to the New England states to see the fall foliage. We thought maybe a cabin on a lake or in a mountainous region would be nice and relaxing. And then we talked about an all inclusive spa and resort. J liked that idea because it would keep our spending at a minimum once we were there. So after talking to a couple of travel agents we settled on an all inclusive vacation to Jamaica. We'll be staying at the Sandals Grande Ocho Rios Resort for 7 glorious days and 6 wonderful nights! I'm so excited!!!! I can't wait to lay on the beach with my fruity drink and my iPod just resting and relaxing. Ahhhhh...sounds so nice!!!

Today's a Down Day

I don't know why it is, but every now and then I have this day where nothing suits me, and I just can't get out of the funk I'm in. And today is one of those days. Nothing has really set me off, it's just an overall dissatisfaction with my life. There's nothing that I want more in this life than to be a mom, and here I am at 33 with no living children. Sometimes it's just more than I can take emotionally, and I spend the day in a funk. My mom emailed today because she hadn't heard from me in a while, and I had nothing to say but negative stuff. Sad. I hate days like this, but at this point in the journey it's inevitable I guess. My heart aches...and I want chips. Did I tell you I'm an emotional eater? And I'm one of the rare ones that chocolate doesn't help. It's got to be salty and crunchy.

I saw this video on Shellie's blog. Thank you so much for posting this! It's truly how I feel...I Would Die For That!

Blog Rating

Got the idea from several blogs that I've visited lately so I decided to try it for myself.

And my blog rating is...*drum roll please*



Who knew that 2 references to semen, and one reference to "stab" could get a PG rating?? Guess now that I've used each word again my rating will change to PG-13.

Fun times!

No Side Effects This Cycle

I just finished taking my 8th round of Clomid, and I didn't have ANY side effects (s/e). When I picked up the prescription from the pharmacy the paper said they had changed manufacturers, and that bothered me a bit, but I didn't think about too much. Then yesterday I realized I haven't been on the couch as much this cycle. Clomid usually wipes me out so I spend days 3-5 of the pills sleeping off and on throughout the day. Then I realized I didn't have the horrible headache that accomplanies each pill. I found that to be very strange because typically I feel like I've got a heavy metal band playing in my head. Then I started to get worried. What if the pills from this particular manufacturer aren't as good as the ones I'd taken in the past? What if they don't make me ovulate? I'll know in about a week whether my fears are legit, but in the mean time I'm driving myself bonkers. Now don't get me wrong...I didn't miss the extreme fatigue or hellish headaches, but if an absence of s/e means that the pills don't work as well then I'd gladly wish to have the s/e back! I guess only time will tell. This is going to be a long week!

Stab in the Heart

Today I kept my friend K's little girls because their grandparents weren't able to keep them. This is the second time that I've kept them. The first time I kept them we went to the mall to ride the carousel and play on the playround. Today we went swimming at their neighborhood pool. When we went to the mall last week I had a lady come up to me and ask me how I got my girls to have such good posture. I had to admit that they were my friend's girls, and I wasn't sure how they learned such good posture, but I'm sure the fact that they took dance played a role in it. It made me sad to have to admit that they weren't my girls, but I hid it well. Well today at the pool I had a lady come up to me and ask me where I got my girl's swimsuits. Once again I had to tell her that they weren't mine.**scream** God I wish I had kids of my own! I want to be able to answer everyone's questions about my kids! I don't want to have to keep telling people I'm just their babysitter. I'm happy to keep other people's kids, but geez, is that really as close to having children as I'm gonna get???

Retail Therapy

Today after learning that I'm now labeled an "infertile" I decided I needed a little retail therapy to help me cope. This is very abstract to J. He doesn't get how going shopping can bring me out of a funk. In fact, we had this conversation in one of our SS lessons this past Sunday, and all the women agreed that a little retail therapy was good for the spirits while all the men shook their heads in disbelief. But I gotta tell ya...it totally worked today. I found 2 pairs of shoes, 2 pairs of capris, 2 blouses, and a skirt. I was over the moon, and for a moment I forgot about my infertile state. So my retail therapy was a success!!

So what do you think? Does retail therapy help when you're down, even if just for a short time?

Just Got Back From the Doctor

Nothing new to report, although he offered to do an insemination (IUI) this month, but said he would like to put it off a few more cycles since I get pregnant so easily. He said he would do if I was getting antsy. I told him I was way past antsy, but that I could put it off one more cycle. So just 100mg Clomid this month, but he said if I decide at the last minute to do the IUI that I could call him the day I got a + ovulation test and he would do it 24-36 hours afterwards. I want to talk to J about it and see what he says. After all, every time word was brought up about him “making a deposit” either for a semen analysis (SA) or IUI I popped up pregnant so we’ll see if it works this time too.

I was pretty distraught to read the receipt after I checked out…infertility. Yep…I’m considered infertile. What a great way to start the day!! Hi everyone...I'm Janna and I'm infertile!

Praise You in This Storm

I LOVE this song...just wanted to post it because it totally speaks about where I am these days. Infertility is definitely a storm in life, but it seems as though I'm stuck under the rain cloud and can't find my way out. I just have to keep praising God because believe it or not God has placed many blessings in my life along the way. I don't know the outcome of all this, but I know that God is with me all along the way. I'm never left to weather this storm alone. I heard this quote in the video of a live performance of this song, and it just blew me away..."Sometimes He calms the storms in our lives, and sometimes He rides them with us." PRAISE GOD FOR THAT!!!!



Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

On to Cycle 16 BAH!!!

Yep...AF showed this afternoon. Can't wait to call Dr. Kleinpeter (AGAIN). This is getting SOOOOOO old!

Changin' It Up!

I got tired of the green background so I thought I'd change up the look of my blog. I'm diggin' the marroon and gray. (J will love it too...Go State!!!) What do you think?

Update on J

Today he's feeling a little better, though he has a killer headache (probably because he's dehydrated) and he said his stomach feels like it's still there. (We often use the phrase "I know my stomach's there" when our stomach doesn't feel right. Like when it's not really upset or hurting, but it just doesn't feel right.) Anyway, he was able to make it through the day with the help of some Advil that he bought from the hotel's front desk. He's going to attempt to go out to dinner with his coworkers tonight so I made sure to remind him to eat soup or a baked potato. Tonight it got a laugh so I think he's on the mend. Still wish I was there to take care of him, but I think he'll survive without me. Thank you to those of you who prayed for him!

Holy Temp Dip Batman!!!

So now I'm 11DPO. FF moved my O date from CD14 to CD16. And this morning I woke up to a 98.0 temp. I really don't think it's an implant dip...I had no covers on when I woke up so the dip is pretty deceptive. Wish I had some better news...isn't the roller coaster fun???

Sick While Traveling

J left for Virginia Sunday morning for a week long business trip. I hadn't heard from him today, and that's odd seeing as how we talk everyday when he's gone on business trips. So I gave him a call at 9:00pm (10:00pm his time). It took him awhile to get to the phone so I thought he might still be out on the basketball court with some of his coworkers. But to my surprise he sounded very groggy when he answered. I asked him if I woke him up, and he replied, "Yes." (Oops!) Then he went on to tell me that he had been sick...upset stomach, chills, sweats, headache. Poor guy...and he is set to teach part of a training course Wednesday so there's no skipping. I told him to go back to bed, and I hoped he started feeling better. Before we hung up I was able to squeeze in, "Eat bland foods like crackers, toast, or baked potatoes." He always laughs at me when I tell him that (though he didn't tonight). But to me it just seems logical. If your stomach is upset don't eat spicy or greasy things.

I feel sorry for him. Sure wish I was there to take care of him. Not that he can't take care of himself, but I could at least go to the store to get him some medicine or crackers and Sprite. Hopefully his fever will break and he'll start feeling better during night. Please pray for him...it's never fun to be sick, but when you're away from home and away from your own bed it's even harder.

7DPO Today...

FF says that I O'd on CD14, but I'm not sure I agree with them. Regardless of the discrepancy I'm 1 week into the 2ww. So far I'm doing pretty good. Normally I'm chomping at the bit to test, but I think I'm pretty calm this month. I'm hoping I can hold out until my FF test date. (Fingers crossed!) J will be out of town all next week with work so when I do test he won't be here. Hopefully I'll have a great homecoming surprise for him when he returns!!!

I'm trying really hard not to read too much into the symptoms I'm having. I do have an occasional cramp, I'm pretty bloated, I'm thirsty all the time, and I'm VERY fatigued. I'm hoping those are all good signs, but I'm not banking on them just yet. The thing that's bothering me is how tired I am. I'm taking a 2 hour nap every day. Normally I would think that it's too early to be this tired, but the fact that I'm so tired really has me wondering if something's going on in there. Hopefully there's a little bean in there finding a nice home...we'll see in a week or so.

The Fern and the Bamboo

I saw this on the ttc 12 months+ board today, and it spoke wonders to me!!! Couldn't resist sharing!

One day I decided to quit. I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality. I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.

"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"

His answer surprised me..."Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"

"Yes", I replied.

"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. "In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo". He said. "In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. but I would not quit. In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit." He said. "Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant. But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."

He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots? I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you. Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern, yet, they both make the forest beautiful." "Your time will come, "God said to me." You will rise high!"

"How high should I rise?" I asked.

"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.

"As high as it can?" I questioned.

"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can." Never regret a day in your life. good days give you Happiness. Bad days give you Experiences. Both are essential to life. Keep going... Happiness keeps you sweet, trials keep you strong, sorrows keep you human, failures keep you humble, success keeps You glowing, But Only God keeps You GOING!

God is too wise to be mistaken... God is too good to be unkind...so when you don't understand. when you don't a plan...when you can't trace the hand of God... HAVE FAITH and TRUST the heart of God.

As much as I want to throw my hands up in the air and say "I quit!", after reading this I just can't. Trying to have a baby is very important to me right now, and I just can't give up yet. So, although I'm tired of temping, and I'm tired of charting, and I'm tired of all the hormonal moments...I just can't quit. It might not be meant to be right now, but I'm holding on to hope that God's not giving up on me and there will be a time when it IS meant to be.