Handling My Emotions

I was told today that I seem to be handling the fact that I'm not able to give J a child of our own very well. And the girl who said that asked me how I've been able to get to this point. So this was my response...

Honestly, I have my good days and bad days. Most days are good, but when I'm around pregnant people I withdraw quite a bit. I was telling our SW (when she asked about how I'm handling our infertility) that I'm fine with babies and children, but it's the pregnant women and baby showers that I'm having the hardest time with. I told her I thought it was because that was what I wanted so badly for us that it just strikes a huge chord in me and brings out the jealousy. But when I'm around babies and kids I don't mind it because I love kids so much.

I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter how we become parents. It's that we become parents that matters the most. It's in those jealous times when I have to repeat that over and over again. I guess after a while I just started believing it. God has a better plan for us, and He is going to take care of us. I know that we will be parents someday and that we'll make very loving parents. I think, if nothing else, that this journey will make us even better parents because of the hurdles we've had to cross and the despair we've had to muddle through. I've spent many a night crying because I can't give J a baby of our own, but then I started realizing that by adopting I am giving him a child...the perfect child for us. S/he may not have his eyes or his smile, but they will have his heart and his love for others because those things are learned. And the more I think about it the more I truly believe that the character we help our child build for him or herself is much more important than having their daddy's physical features.

I think that once we finally decided to stop fertility treatments and head full steam into adoption I came to believe my motto (that it's more important that we become parents than how we become parents) more and more.

Yes, it will be always hurt a little to see our family members and friends having their own children, but I think in the end, all that matters is that you love and care for
the child that you're given, however they may come to you. I think J said it best in his autobiography for our HS..."Blood may be thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood."

I guess I'm writing a post about this because the more I wrote to her the more I saw myself healing from the wounds of infertility. And that REALLY excited me. I'm HEALING!!!! Praise God!!! I never thought I would ever get to this point, but I AM!!!! And I can't tell you how good that makes me feel!!!!