Thinking of Calling it Quits

When we started trying to get pregnant we knew it could possibly be difficult seeing as how I don't have regular cycles and I don't ovulate on my own. But we had hopes that Clomid would work. And here we are 16 months later with no child in our arms. Don't get me wrong. I know there are lots and lots of women out there who have been trying for years with no success, but I'm running out of steam, and we're so tired of chasing a target every month.

I'm praying that there's something out there besides a fertility drug that can help regulate my hormones so that I will ovulate on my own regularly. We just want to be like a regular couple who just has sex and one day falls pregnant because they happened to have sex during the fertile time. This whole scheduling sex and propping my hips up for an hour afterwards is just for the birds! Now I know this is a pretty far-fetched dream since I have PCOS, but it's all I've got the will to do anymore. I want a child more than ANYTHING, but I just can't keep using my husband as a sperm donor. We're got to reconnect somehow, and I honestly think that this is the best thing we can do for our marriage. Am I sad? ABSOLUTELY!!! But what good is it to bring a child into a weakened marriage? I'm just not willing to risk straining my relationship with my husband in order to have a child.

J and I talked about giving up on our dream of being parents for a long time the other night. And the thing that breaks my heart the most is that I won't ever get to see myself in my child's eyes, or know that their music ability or their athletic ability came from me or J, and we'll never hear how much our child looks like us.

J is wonderful with kids, but it will always be someone else's kids that he's wonderful with. I just wanted to be able to give my husband the most amazing gift in the world...his child. And it's looking like that will never happen. I've heard that when you adopt a child you don't ever think of him or her as not being your child. They just become yours. And we've always said that we would adopt one or more children even if we could have our own, so it's not like we're opposed to the process. It's just that we had always hoped that adopting would be a choice that we made and not our only option for having a family.

This is the hardest decision I have ever made. I don't want to give up on my dream of being a mom to a little J or myself, but I know that I can't keep holding on to it either. At some point I have to come to terms with the fact that it's just not God's will for us to have our own children. But I'll always question why it's in God's will for drug addicts, alcoholics, child abusers and irresponsible teens to have them when a financially, emotionally, and spiritually stable couple can't.