I'm Backsliding

On a normal day I think about my miscarriages several times, but thankfully I'm now to the point where I don't burst into tears anymore. But every Sunday there's something that comes over me, and I just can't stand to go to church. I used to love going to church, but now it's a burden. I have no idea where these feelings came from. To everyone around me I tell them I understand that it's not God's fault because that's what all good Christians should say, but am I lying to them? Is that really how I feel? God created me, and when He did, he gave me PCOS. And the PCOS is the root of my infertility. So didn't God cause this?

J and I got into an argument today, a knock-down drag-out actually. He's tired of me not wanting to go to church. See, he's clinging to his faith to get him through this, and he needs to go to church to help him feel like things are getting back to normal. When all this first happened I told him I wanted to stop going for a while, but that was unfathomable to him. I told him I was angry with God and that I just needed to sort through all my feelings. He understood my anger, but insisted that I still go to church. And being forced to go to church when I don't want to has really made me bitter and resent him for that. I know he's doing the right thing by trying to point me in the right direction for peace and comfort. But that's not what I want right now. I don't want peace and comfort. I want a child! God could easily allow me to have a child. And He could easily keep a crack-head or child abuser from having one. So why doesn't He? Why does He allow people who don't want children to have them, and keep people who want one more than anything from having them? If He would allow only the people who want children to have them then there would be no need for CPS, foster care, and adoption agencies. I just don't get it.