Trying to Stay Busy

Mom has gone back home. J has gone back to work. And I'm here at home alone trying to make sense of everything that has happened. I still can't grasp the fact that I might not become a mother. That's all I've ever wanted in life...to be a wife and mother. Why does it have to be so hard for me when it seems to come so easily to teens caught up in the moment or women too stoned to know what's going on? I just don't get it.

I have 4 more days left to wait and wonder whether my baby's heart has started beating. I thought the last wait was hard, but this one is definitely more excrutiating. On one hand I want to hope for a miracle. But on the other I can't let myself hope because it will make the bad news that much harder to digest. I'm on a teeter totter, and I can't seem to get off.

I just can't seem to find anything that keeps me busy. I've tried surfing the internet, but all I ever do is look for glimpses of hope from other women who have been in my situation. Watching TV doesn't help. I can't bring myself to step out of the house for fear that I'll run into a woman carrying a healthy baby. Nothing takes my mind off my pain, grief, hopelessness, and sense of failure. I feel like I'm drowning.