In a Quandary

You'll need a little background to understand my quandary.

When I was in 2nd grade I was sexually abused by a family member (who shall remained nameless). It went on for about 3 years, and in 5th grade I finally got up the nerve to tell my mom. This news of these horrible events was kept secret and never spoken about again. My mom never took me to counseling because she was ashamed, and at the time I don't know that it would have been the right thing for me because I was so embarrassed. I didn't want to talk to my mom about getting a bra, when I started my period, or boys, muchless the fact that I was sexually abused. I was that private of a person so part of me is glad that she didn't force me to go into counseling. (I don't fault her for the decision she made, so please don't bash her for it either!) It wasn't until I graduated from college and was out on my own that I finally decided to see a professional. But even then, I didn't tell mom I was going to counseling. I went through intense post traumatic stress counseling. I wrote about it, I talked about it, and I confronted my abuser. He didn't apologize when I confronted him, but I was okay with that because of where I was in my therapy. I know he went through some counseling, but I don't know to what extent he was counseled.

So flash forward 10 years...now we're on the road to adoption, and I don't know whether to say something to our SW about the abuse. Not because I'm not able to talk about it. In fact, I've done a complete 180 in that I can talk to anyone about it. There's no shame anymore, and I decided a long time ago that I was going to talk about it because I just never knew when I might meet someone who has been there. I want to be able to help. (Much like my reasoning for being so open about my infertility.) My issue about not telling the SW is, there is no record with the police of this abuse. I just don't want to dredge up the past with this person. I confronted him and I've moved on and have become able to be around him without thinking about it all the time. What I don't know is if our SW will want to speak with him because he is still a part of our family, and our child will have contact with him at all family functions. He and I have a good (not great) relationship now. I was able to forgive him and move past it. But the thing I can't promise our SW is that he'll never do it again. I can do my best to never let my child be alone with him, but I can't control him, and if it's something that he is determined to do I don't know that I can stop it. There will come a time when our child will want to sleep over at his house with their child, and I don't know how I'll respond when that comes up. That's what I hate about the adoption process...we have to know what we're going to do in every circumstance, whereas if it were our biological child we would get to figure this out as we go along. But because we're essentially trying to "sell" ourselves as the "perfect parents" we have to know how to handle specific situations now rather than later.

So in case you are lost because I started rambling...I don't know what to do! Do I tell our SW straight up what happened, or do I not mention it in the hopes she doesn't ask if either of us have ever been abused? And if it does come up, do I lie about it or do I tell the truth? I leaning towards just putting it all out there, but I'm scared to death that it will affect our chances. Should it? Heck no, but I know there's a possibility that it could. I know SW have heard it all, but the fact that I still have contact with this person plays a BIG role in what the outcome is. What would you do???

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In response to a couple comments...
The responses about understanding why they would be hesitant is why I'm so afraid to say anything. I wish it were so easy to say that I wouldn't ever see this person again. That would have made my therapy so much easier, believe me. But he's in my immediate family. And I can't expect my mom to tell him that he can't come to our family events. That is what's so sticky about this situation. I would so love to be able to tell our SW that our child won't ever be around this guy, but the truth is, that's not possible. I sure hope that they won't hold that against me and J, and quite honestly I can't understand why they would. To me that's like saying that I wouldn't make a good mother because I was abused and won't let my family be torn apart by it. If nothing else I think it would make me look like a better mother because I confronted the issue, dealt with it and moved on rather than sitting in a corner, curled up in a ball, and rocking back and forth. That's why I'm so glad I said something because it gives me insight about how our SW might feel about how the problem has been dealt with. I feel like it's been dealt with in a healthy way, but to an outsider the fact that I can be around my abuser may seem wreckless and irresponsible. I just hope our SW and our agency don't feel that way.